cheating bf and the $$ I owe him

[Mariposa]

yeah... people who are honest, and people who are full of shit :D

i don't believe for a second that most of you would pay $2000 back to a cheating partner. that's just the proper objective and moral response for a bunch of people behind computer screens with no emotional attachment to the situation.

if i were in a traditional relationship (read: one where cheating is among the ultimate dealbreakers) and i was unfaithful, i certainly wouldn't have the arrogance to expect my partner to pay back any debts they owed me.

the bonds of trust have been broken, and as such, all bets are off.

paying him back is unquestionably the "right" thing to do, but in situations like these a different sense of personal justice tends to prevail. welcome to the real world.

Excellent response and probably true much of the time. That said, if I were the guy in this situation, I'd expect my money back, but I would probably give a concession like allowing her to pay it back in installments or settle for a reduced amount in consideration of me acting like a shithead.

If I were the OP, I'd say "I recognize that I owe you this money, but due to our personal circumstances, I think it's appropriate that you agree to accept a reduced amount or a payment plan."

Chaos23: I've had to become very strict as to my own personal ethics because I am plagued with jealousy and the desire that justice be served by whatever means necessary. I've done my best to step outside of that, because I think better and make better choices when I make my choices without those factors involved. I simply do not believe it is fair to not pay a valid debt even if the person to whom the debt is owed is a shithead. My landlady is a meddlesome bitch and I pay the highest rent in my building. Does it exempt me from paying rent? I wish! I made an agreement and even though I don't personally care for her, I still owe her money to keep a roof over my head.

I abstained from taking the poll, FWIW, but will be reading the votes without casting mine. I'm not above breaking those rules, but my life is better when I follow them. I become more focused, disciplined, and able to see the truth.

I'd offer to settle it privately for a lesser amount, and if my offer was not accepted, I'd either pay it or dispute it. Negotiation is fairer and more equitable than strong arm "fuck you cheating bastard, you're not getting a dime outta me".

 

[glitterbizkit]

I think the right thing to do is to pay him back. As someone already said in this thread, two wrongs don't make a right. Then again, I don't know what I'd do personally if it were me. I really hope I'd pay him back, but I know I'd be tempted not to.

 

[bromance]

I would pay the person back, because I know to me what missing $2000 could mean. That money is not necessarily tied to the cheating that took place, unless the $2k was because he spent it on hookers, then I wouldn't pay it back.

I feel like the two circumstances are different, and although I would certainly have difficultly separating my emotions from the money, I would have to pay them back the $2000 I owed them. I would also be able to sleep much better at night knowing that I paid my debt back, and didn't try to "teach an ex a lesson" by shafting them out of money that they had the goodwill to loan me. Money and relationships suck, especially when it's tight, and I feel like if I didn't pay this person back, no matter what they did to our relationship, I'd be left with a horrid taste in my mouth and a really guilty conscience. I know karma would come around to kick my ass.

 

[MynameisnotDeja]

Id never borrow money in the first place!
And I wouldn't lend money either, because situations like this.

I voted pay him back. I don't really believe in revenge.

 

[wizekrak]

He could always sue you, then you'll owe the $2000 plus associated court costs and time off of work. It's $2000, he's going to come after it one way or another. You aren't just making it easy for him, your making it easy for yourself as well considering what measures he may go through to collect given his dire need for the cash.

Just something to think about.

I also make it a point of never mixing money and friends.

The relationship agreement and the dating agreement are two seperate things in principle), just because one has dissolved it doesn't absolve you from respecting the other. he agreed to lend you $2000 not knowing what the future holds, and you agreed to pay back the money uncertain of what the future holds. Is he a dick for cheating on you? For sure. But a loan is a loan.

 

[Fadednjaded]

as sweet as it would be karma is a bitch :-(

 

[L O V E L I F E]

I lent my girlfriend $ 2,000 even though I'm not particularly well off myself.

She still hasn't paid me back yet.

Should I cheat on her with one of our mutual acquaintances?

 

[wizekrak]

I lent my girlfriend $ 2,000 even though I'm not particularly well off myself.

She still hasn't paid me back yet.

Should I cheat on her with one of our mutual acquaintances?

It might be cheaper to solicit Emperor's Club VIP.

 

[drugfukkdrockstar]

^ Yeah, welcome to the real world where you can be taken to court for your unpaid debt. Tell that to the judge and he/she will laugh in your face

You need legal documentation for a judge to laugh in your face. Without it written down in some sort of agreement, you have no case.

I don't know what the law is wherever you're from, but here in Australia if there are no legal documents and agreements relating to a loan like this then the borrower won't be legally forced to pay it back.

That's why it's important if you ever lend a large sum of money like that to a loved one or a friend, it's ideal to take them down to the taxation office (i think it is) and get them to sign the required documents which will bind them to it legally.

 

[Doppelganger]

i'm actually surprised, and saddened, to see that there are so many people who wouldn't pay it back. i'm not saying that cheating's justifiable - far from it. nor am i saying that i'm infallible. i've often considered the hypothetical situation wherein a close friend or relative has been raped or killed by some maniac fuck. morality (mine, at least) dictates that i let the law take its course. but i doubt i could prevent myself from taking revenge of some form - though i realise it would be wrong.

but all else being equal, in this instance i'd pay the money back in a second, i don't give a fuck what the status quo apparently says. shit, this ain't murder or rape. it's small fry in comparison. (people fuck people over every day. deal with it.) what disappoints me is that, apparently, the status quo thinks that two wrongs make a right in even minor examples such as this. i learnt that shit wasn't the case when i was a little kid; it took me till about sixteen or seventeen to put it into practice. i assume most people here are, legally at least, adults. so grow the fuck up.

Great post Brad!!

 

[double ewe]

You need legal documentation for a judge to laugh in your face. Without it written down in some sort of agreement, you have no case.

I don't know what the law is wherever you're from, but here in Australia if there are no legal documents and agreements relating to a loan like this then the borrower won't be legally forced to pay it back.

I'm not a lawyer, but there are a lot of laws that do uphold the legality/legitimacy of oral contracts.

Depending on the state she's in (if in the U.S.), she could be taken to Small Claims Court for the 2000 and possibly interest. Oral contracts can and do very often hold up in court, so she certainly shouldn't think of herself as free from legal ramifications.

 

[GoddessLSD-XTC]

Think of it as a fine or settlement, karma. He hurt U, U hurt him where it counts.

Jesus-Christ doesn't believe in an "eye 4 an eye" (he says "turn the other cheek").

Someone else said, "morality is, whatever makes U feel good," and, "Money is shit" (but "does it smell"?). It's not really an "eye 4 an eye." He ripped your heart out. He made 2 mistakes: lending U the $$$ and cheating, lieing, right? I.e., he isn't the one who told U about it is he? If he confessed 2 U that might mitigate the circumstances, especially if he sought foregiveness.

It's like, if U had 2 pay him back, U would have to confront him again and again (assuming U won't pay him back all at once), each time will remind U of his violations!

I also believe in forgiving & forgetting (Jews believe in never forgetting & an "eye 4 an eye.")

Also, did U do all the housework?

However, I've been in situations like U (and so have my friends), where they're living together and one moves out. I always tell my friends they have an obligation to help pay at least one month's rent 4 them so they can find another situation.

As 4 the "contract." In Arizona, state law says an oral agreement is as good as written.

EDIT: Please do not provide legal advice, especially incomplete and factually inaccurate advice on common-law marriage when that is not at all at issue here. -Mariposa

Compromise. . . I'd help with 2 month's rent if I was U.

Wanna bet U'll go back 2 him? Interesting thread, wonder what Ann Landers would say?

 

[Ripley]

A lot less than two-hundred thousand pennies I'd imagine.

God yes. I was just thinking of my miscalculation of 2000 pennies which should've been 200000 pennies, I think—I've never been much for money and math. Anyways, that's a lot of coins jingling around! But then I thought, wouldn't that be sort of vindictive? and like revenge? A bit nasty of course, but all in good spirit. However, yeah, I'd pay it back.

 

[serotonin-system]

I'd probly give it back. That'll make him feel worse. If you keep it, he'll probly feel like 'you're even' or something. Which you're not. So dont give him that privilage. He needs to feel like a f*ck.

 

[64tf]

You should pay him back. You should always pay your debts.

That said, if he really expects that money he's an idiot. I never loaned money to girlfriends I expected to get back, and for the most part I never got it back.

This comment completly ignores the cheating factor. I never had that problem. I doubly wouldn't expect money back if I had cheated.

 

[GoddessLSD-XTC]

. . .If he really expects that money he's an idiot. I never loaned money to girlfriends I expected to get back, and for the most part I never got it back.

QFT!

 

[zigzag| dta]

ok more or less heres how i look at this situation


the money you owe him is quantitative, while the relationship you had was qualitative

you cant bring the two into the same playing field. its stil your responsibility morally and legally to pay him back

 

[The Monkey Mantra]

I'm gonna go in on this one and repeat:

First off, don't be lame. Yeah, he cheated, but don't be a petty bitch about it. It's 2000 bucks.

Second, what everyone else has said, AN ORAL CONTRACT IS AS GOOD AS A WRITTEN ONE.

I asked my dad, an attorney, about this. His words? Pay the man back or your ass is grassed. Come up with a payment plan and take your time, but you need to let him know you're gonna pay this. Sorry!

 

[Mariposa]

Goddess, please don't spread misinformation. I'm snipping the parts of your post that pertain to common-law marriage. Living with someone for a fixed period of time in the absence of living in an implied marital relationship does not itself determine a common-law marriage. You have to live together as husband and wife which, as far as I am aware, is explicitly stated in common-law marriage statutes or codes. But I am not a lawyer and neither are you, so we need to watch what we say. Thanks.

What I will say without reservation is that an oral contract can be and often is enforced in many US courts (if not most) and that word can be relied on as much as a piece of paper. The courts know that both are potentially subject to falsehood and forgery. All this guy, IMO, needs is a cancelled check from his bank made to the OP, marked "LOAN" - enough to establish that this was not a gift.

 

[Kul69]

First off, I can't believe you would end a 5 year long relationship because he cheated on you. That's a long fucking time to be committed to someone just to end it over him being unfaithful once.

I've been with my girlfriend for about 7 years and I would never break up with her if she cheated on me. I mean, holy fucking shit.. that is SO MUCH TIME invested in a relationship and SO MANY SHARED EXPERIENCES that can make you closer to him than anyone else will be able to get for a long time.

Seriously, think again about breaking up over this. It's just sex. You're giving up a huge investment. Culturally speaking if someone cheats on you then you're supposed to break up with them but you don't have to.

If you actually care you could try asking him why he cheated on you and try to work it out. I've wanted to be with other girls but when I do I just do it openly and it has never actually happened. If I'm talking to other girls about sex I admit it to my girlfriend and I tell her I'm thinking about fucking someone else. Every time this has happened me admitting it to her and leaving it in the open has allowed us to talk about it and work through what the real issue is.

Usually for me it's just a lack of attention from her over a long period of time because she's busy with work/school so I start looking for attention elsewhere. It doesn't mean I don't want to be with her or whatever. Just that I'm unhappy with how things have been lately.

Oh and my girlfriend cheated on me a few years ago and it wasn't just like I caught her having sex or something. She invited a guy over to her dorm and gave him a blowjob and I found out. Then she left and stopped talking to me for about a week and was sleeping over at his dorm.

Seriously, imagine if your boyfriend just left one day and was sleeping at another woman's house having sex with her all day while ignoring your calls. I was able to see it for what it was (her being lonely cause we had a long distance relationship and thinking of ending it) and wait for her to get over the guy and then I came and visited her and we worked through it and now we've been living together for about 3/4 years.

So, if you actually valued the relationship I would strongly suggest asking him why he did it, working through the issue and finding a solution, and giving him another chance. That is if he wants to anyway.



As far as the debt, you need to pay it. Seriously. You not repaying a loan is different from him cheating on you. It might not seem like it but it is. Especially when you say he's strapped for cash or whatever. He hurt you emotionally but you're talking about hurting him emotionally and monetarily. You breaking up with him is as much "revenge" as you need. Not repaying the debt would just be you being greedy and hoping you can get some free money out of it by hoping you'll never see him again and he won't press the issue because he'll feel guilty.

Basically if you didn't pay him back I'd expect him to want to get you back and I wouldn't blame him. If you want it to be "an eye for an eye" then not paying him back means he needs to do something to you. Don't be surprised if you wake up one morning and your car is trashed or something.



This reminds me a lot of when my girlfriend had agreed to rent a room in her friend's house when she came back to school after the summer. During the summer my girlfriend felt like she might not go back to school. So, she called her friend and told her that she might not be coming back next year so she should be looking for someone else to rent to. Her friend told her that was fine but that she just knew my girlfriend would change her mind and come back and blah blah. So, near the end of summer my girlfriend calls her and tells her that she isn't coming back.

Then her friend explodes and says that she wouldn't have bought this house if she knew that my girlfriend wasn't coming back and now there isn't enough time to find a new room mate and blah blah blah. She says that she expects a semester of rent from my girlfriend to cover the "loss" she had to take from her not coming back. My girlfriend agrees to pay her some money (even though I keep telling her NO NO NO NO).

So, she flies across the country back to her school to pickup her stuff that was in storage at her friends house. When she meets her friend she gives her a check for 2 months rent or something (I wanted to beat her for this) and gets some of her stuff. Then she goes back to get the rest of her stuff and now her friend is telling her that she has to leave and won't let my girlfriend into her house to get her stuff. So, my girlfriend gives up and leaves and calls me crying about how her friend won't let her in now and she just gave her $2,000 and blah blah.

I had to tell her to call the cops which took me about 30 minutes to convince her to do. They came and gave her a ride to the girl's house and told her that she has to let her in or she will be charged with a crime so the girl let her in.

Anyway, the point of this story is that you sound like you're being that stupid bitch girl. She just felt like my girlfriend wasn't coming back so she would never see her again and might as well get as much money out of her guilt as she could and my girlfriend fell for it. I'm sure in her mind she even justified it because she had to find a new renter even though there was no lease signed and my girlfriend even warned her months in advance but she just ignored it.

You're just justifying your greed to yourself. If you don't pay this money back then YOU did something equally or even more fucked up to him than he did to you except you already got your revenge by breaking up with him so in the end you're just a greedy bitch who is relying on his guilt to keep him from really "getting even" by taking you to court to get his money back or doing something else.

You don't want to just get even, you want to make him suffer as much as you possibly can while pocketing some cash at the same time.