Chapter II: The Abyss is Eternal !

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I don't want to get help I have another urging me to get help

:(

life=over just want to die but can't be encyclopedia depressica right now

so i'm going to keep reminding myself I HAVE SEVERAL PILLS LEFT and help is close by

cannot stand this body anymore, i want a new one

don't know why people care about my shell of an existence
 
ADAM uses drugs, an emotional concealer like mascara but for the soul, in order to suppress the suicidal thoughts, terrible body sensations and existential dread. ADAM touches the record one last time - before gently setting it in a wooden box that smelled harshly of lacquer and coagulated blood, wrote a note, and buried it four feet into the earth, a foot for each year he wasted HERE without HER, a construct and a reality; rings of the tree before he was finally fallen. ADAM felt this austere moment where he felt destined to take his own life and yet he didn't. His incoherent feelings translated to a passenger far away from home who missed the perfect way out - the last boarding call. The very last one. ADAM knows as he stares at the dirt below him that this is where he must belong... the forest called.

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ADAM picked up the call.
 
I'm quite devastated by all my regrettable actions that I don't so much regret but I do regret the current state of affairs...


I would try to write out what I'm going through but it would be ... ego blow...... I'm quite unhappy with my failing health, am afraid of what will happen....

I think I will try to eat ice cream and feel good about that...
 
Fuck you, I spit like I had kids with Erykah Badu
I fucked her on the day of that naked video shoot
I was sucking that pussy like it was wonton soup
Then I hit Lebron's mom in bron-bron's coupe
With Delonte West taping, we had bon-bons too
And Cleveland cheerleaders, they had pom-poms too
So I smacked them bitches wearing Bishop Don Juan's suit
 
ghostandthedarknes said:
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this is the only thing to make me not want to cry this morning after the realization of fucked reality sets in

i need help and have to ask for it and i do not like being humbled in this way

and i will likely resent whomever has to help me [ am mentally sick and need help ]

unlikely to get any... am likely going to waste a large portion of my time today and then hold resentment toward someone else because i cannot emotionally deal with any of this

i just want out of my body forever and it's never enough the more i'm stuck in this hell, it just keeps living on

more hot girls to distract me from the existential pain please <3

no mens at this point BROKEN - MY - HEART
 
I am sure I'm going to be ok and will not end up in limbo.... I am just not well and my mind cannot fathom doing this and it being ok...

My plan is to go in half an hour because i just need this to be over... i am seriously not doing well and I can do this, it would just help to have support

ghost& is the best for posting pix, anything to distract me A+ imo

i am being such a vagina and i know it and i will grow man balls soon i am very close to hearing them drop any minute now......................................
 
w01fg4ng said:
Just picture everyone in their underwear
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You got this, @Captain.Heroin
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no i don't i keep trying to get ready and i keep having panic and shit (am going to try to address this issue and it is not making me feel good it is making me feel bad)

and as i know i need to do this fear is immobilizing me and i have to drag through it, and i keep thinking I can't handle this, I can't do this, I'm not self-confident right now even though I have it in spades normally... I have a nice 3.5+ grams of 80% thc, and beers... and it's not enough to calm me to get through this

thank you for thinking of me everyone

i am giving myself 28 minutes to grow man balls and try doing this and i'm still paralyzed with fear and panic... this would be bad enough for my fragile inner SNOWFLAKE self to face before covid and this is just worse and it only gets worse

and if i get sick, again, i am just going to want to kill myself and won't have a way out, I can't take more illnesses I would rather just rot and die here and i don't get that luxury the stupid human race pushes me forth and i can't stand it and it's all a relation, relations to others, relations to the self and extant reality and they are fraying my will to live. i think i care too much. probably about everything that isn't me.

it's the caring about me stuff that is hard and painful and do not want...

i won't have the luxury of music to calm nerves or... whatever plebian thing i could think of like a pacifier for my ear buds would even work, i'm just a melting SNOWFLAKE and I want to melt but people keep shoving me higher and higher into colder altitudes, pushing me away from the sunlight... i need to melt
 
am ready to go and am still frozen by immobility... don't know why just utter fear and i can't stop it. i'm going to do it and i will care later. i'll think about it later. my mind isn't numb to anything right now and everything sucks.

i would dare perhaps? to try touching base with you guys in the middle AM VERY FRIGHTENED and I cannot deal with any of this and am having mood swings as a result, do not want - any of this

i need to go so bad and it hurts
 
I was right to panic

My instinct to have fear is the right thing to do

Please pray 4 mojo
I am shaking

I can do this because ghost and wolf posted

Thx team ABYSS

ADAM shakes without HER, unable to put up with this fucked world, I want out

No, woe is me fuck me
 
I am already cringing I cant stand this it is a living nightmare i am trapped in my shell, in my living death I HAVE COME TO THIS

Preparing for an exodus from the tedium

Better living through chemistry
Better alive in the grave than dead from the second wave
I see the horror in others because I am the horror
The drive to kill, kill to satisfy an obsession
 
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