RobotRipping
Bluelighter
I would just give up on her if it's been a week. If she really cared then she would have tried to explain herself. If she says nothing then it's probably because it's easier than telling you the truth.
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Caught girlfriend lying about whereabouts red handed..... thoughts?
- Thread starter josh.9
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Foreigner
Bluelighter
Maybe I just do things differently, but I would never grill my partner about where they've been. Just because we're together doesn't mean we have to share everything. We're still separate people too. If you're suspicious of her whereabouts then that signifies issues around trust in your relationship. If you had trust then she could go out anywhere and it wouldn't concern you.
I agree that you two need to talk. You should talk about what it is that each of you want/need from this relationship (if anything), and if I were you I'd reflect on any attachments/expectations you're having that are making you so paranoid.
And if it so happens that your worst case scenario happens and she's been with another guy, then you need to make it clear that you're monogamous and don't want to do the open relationship thing. If she's not into that then that could be a dealbreaker.
By the way... I've lied to past partners about my whereabouts specifically because they were interrogating me. I wasn't disloyal, but if you confront me in that way then I'll rebel and not tell you anything.
I agree that you two need to talk. You should talk about what it is that each of you want/need from this relationship (if anything), and if I were you I'd reflect on any attachments/expectations you're having that are making you so paranoid.
And if it so happens that your worst case scenario happens and she's been with another guy, then you need to make it clear that you're monogamous and don't want to do the open relationship thing. If she's not into that then that could be a dealbreaker.
By the way... I've lied to past partners about my whereabouts specifically because they were interrogating me. I wasn't disloyal, but if you confront me in that way then I'll rebel and not tell you anything.
Salvinorin_A
Bluelighter
Had the same thing happen to me with my now ex gf. She was a little more blatant and posted photos on Facebook- dropped her then and there. Was definitely the right decision.
rangrz
Bluelighter
Speaking as a physical scientist, gut feelings are utterly devoid of meaning when it comes to inferring anything about objective reality, which the whereabouts of her and what she was doing are part of.
And stalking someone ain't cool. Grow the fuck up bro.
And stalking someone ain't cool. Grow the fuck up bro.
T. Calderone
Bluelight Crew
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I hope you don't take her back- I'm a female and it's this is a clear sign she's messing around. Some people won't fess up to what they're up to and after three years I think you deserve better.
rangrz
Bluelighter
If someone stalked me and then interrogatedme as to my whereabouts,I would refuse to answer no matter what I was doing, just on principle.
Your advice, T.Calderone, is RETARDED.
Your advice, T.Calderone, is RETARDED.
T. Calderone
Bluelight Crew
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Yeah but Ranger man, the impression was it was a commited relationship. When you have this feeling something is wrong, sometimes you're right. He may have had stalkerish behavior, I agree with your point. Then found her lying. I mean why lie about falling asleep at a friend's home when clearly that was not the truth? Ignored phone calls or texts happen. But I cannot tolerate a man who's a fucking liar. I'll never trust you again, you're done.
rangrz
Bluelighter
Lie about it on the principle that I (an abstract I that can be anyone) don't like being stalked and not to reward being stalked by giving the stalker the results they are seeking by answering them.
LilbabiC
Bluelighter
I'm sorry that you are hurt. To me a great foundation for a relationship it Trust, Honesty and Respect. Obviously this relationship didn't truly have those three elements. Better luck next time, but please don't allow this failed relationship to stop you from completly giving your heart to another woman who will deserve your love.
8L4YN3
Bluelighter
This situation is very simple.
You are clearly a bit too intense for this girl, to the point she would rather just lie to you than have to deal with your insecure, obsessive, borderline controlling behavior. Which isn't exactly the right thing to do, but i can understand why someone would do that. Think about it dude, you seriously staked out the friends place for 4 fucking hours? That is just weird. Sorry but it is, a secure, stable minded person doesn't do that. And just because YOU seem to think you're not a bit intense, doesn't mean you're not.
Why don't you try looking at things from her perspective, drop your ego, stop with the anger, and try to understand, ring her up and get to the bottom of it. She is probably thinking omg what the hell is wrong with this dude jeeze, probably is mad at you for being so intense and insecure, and that's why she hasn't called you. Anyways three years is a long time so ring her.
You are clearly a bit too intense for this girl, to the point she would rather just lie to you than have to deal with your insecure, obsessive, borderline controlling behavior. Which isn't exactly the right thing to do, but i can understand why someone would do that. Think about it dude, you seriously staked out the friends place for 4 fucking hours? That is just weird. Sorry but it is, a secure, stable minded person doesn't do that. And just because YOU seem to think you're not a bit intense, doesn't mean you're not.
Why don't you try looking at things from her perspective, drop your ego, stop with the anger, and try to understand, ring her up and get to the bottom of it. She is probably thinking omg what the hell is wrong with this dude jeeze, probably is mad at you for being so intense and insecure, and that's why she hasn't called you. Anyways three years is a long time so ring her.
ChickenScratch
Bluelighter
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i absolutely agree with this. but, i don't necessarily think OP was wrong for what he did. it's pretty simple....he doesn't trust her, and should dump her. this has nothing to do with gut feelings, this has to do with him not trusting his girlfriend. time to move on.
The proof was in the pudding.
Also, I would say "stalking" is not following your SO on one occasion because you suspect lying or cheating. It's following someone who doesn't want your attention, repeatedly.
rangrz
Bluelighter
demonstrate this sound, rigorous proof you feel would stand up to the scrutiny of say, a Court of Law in a criminal matter or the inquiry of a scientist in the hard sciences (i.e. a 5 sigma confidence interval)
Keeping in mind that a Court of Law presumes you to be not guilty until proven so, with no penalty for refusing to speak or provide information. The hard sciences consider all other possible explanations for an observed phenomena as well as not assuming something to happen without it having been concretely observed in some manner. (OP observed nothing that rigorously demonstrates that she was having sex with someone with no other possible explanation)
Both of these fields have evolved their methods over many years by very smart people in order to arrive at the truth in the best manner. I suggest you follow their model.
Calling 7 times, sending multiple texts, staking out a house, and then confronting someone as they park their car seems, well, if not stalking, then obsessive, controlling and rather aggressive.
BTW: So what if she was coming from the opposite direction? I do this thing, and so do a lot of people, called driving around, and like sometimes, I just sorta drive with my music going and end up going in kind of weird direction and end up coming from an odd direction if one assumed I was taking the most direct route.
I'm not sure how being well dressed implies "I was seeing someone for a sexual encounter" I'm at university right now, geeking out in a lab. I'm dressed up! I put on nice clothes to go out all the time. Imagine that eh, taking pride in how one presents one self to the larger world.
P A
Bluelighter
That's not how trust works. What you've described is unconditional gullibility and/or wish-thinking. He caught his partner betraying his trust - how he arrived at that knowledge (viz., the betrayal of his trust, discovered, yes, by deceptive means) is basically irrelevant, provided the two were on the same page wrt to monogamy, boundaries, etc. to begin with. This isn't Law & Order: 'Cases' like these don't have to be built on by-the-book, due process-style evidence that was marshaled in a fair-minded way. He caught her in a blatant lie - end of story. She has yet to respond or explain herself in any way, which makes it all the more clear that she's bad news for the OP. Unless Josh hasn't been perfectly honest with us re. his relative level of possessiveness and whatnot, there's not much left to be said (except by the erstwhile girlfriend, of course).
As the OP already mentioned, the stalking and powerful gut feelings were quite out of the ordinary. Based solely on the content and tone of his posts, he doesn't seem overly possessive to me.
Do you believe that this fact says more about your level of maturity, decency, and respect for others, or your various partners'?
Well, going by your own criteria, I think that a mental health professional (a soft scientist), at the behest of a court of law, would probably hesitate before writing this guy up as a stalker, since said court and said psychologist have no evidence of a pathological/victimizing pattern of such behavior, nor any indication that it has ever happened in the past, even once. So, yes, really, as a 'defense attorney' in your kangaroo court (as it were), I think I could make a pretty fucking solid case for this guy, given that his own testimony is accepted as true.
But you must concede that this is somewhat out of the ordinary, at least for most people. I feel safe in presuming that the OP is more knowledgeable about his SO's habits of dress than are we. If he says she looked "dressed up, like it took effort to look the way she looked - full makeup, heels, nice tight jeans, etc." and that he interpreted such as evidence that she was doing something completely unrelated to what she claimed she was doing (hanging at her friend's house, as I recall), then I accept that judgment at face value, since I have no additional data with which to work, nor any other metric by which to assess the situation; and unless you have powers of perception that I do not, I suspect that you don't either.
And either way, if you read the OP, the girlfriend's being 'dressed up' wasn't interpreted explicitly as "Oh, Christ, she's cheating on me." It was more along the lines of, "Oh, Christ, she fucking lied to me about something that would otherwise be trivial (i.e., going somewhere, hanging out with someone, whatever)." That's the point. That you're focusing near-exclusively on sexuality and stalking behavior tells me that the OP's expectations of a partner with whom he is/was in a pretty serious, long-term relationship are (I'll venture) quite different from your own.
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Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Female perspective: don't jump to conclusions. She isn't necessarily cheating on you. As was mentioned, she might have just gone out clubbing or something and maybe knew you wouldn't like that idea? Just as she may have been out flirting with guys (but not going anywhere with that), which granted wouldn't be fantastic but sometimes we do that if we feel like we're not getting enough attention from the boyfriend. Not implying anything about you of course, I'm just saying whatever I can think of. In any case you should definitely talk about her although not sure you should be entirely honest about the whole stalking the house for 4 horus thing, might freak her out a bit. Keep us posted, I hope it's not as bad as you think!
Joeof1
Bluelighter
$18K will buy a decent amount of gold:
https://store.nwtmint.com/product_details/1359/Gold_Bar_Credit_Suisse_1_Ounce/
Better to invest in your future, and learn to take care of yourself before taking on the sort of commitment it requires to be married. My saying is if your under 25, you shouldn't be getting married. If your are over 25 and under 30, you should think a few years about it before you marry.
To note, I'm 32, and I got married when I was 31. I was with her for over 7 years before we decided to get married. My situation was a little different due to the occupation I had when I met her, I was never in a single place for very long and would be outside of technology's reach for communicate for months at a time, but the point still stands.
As for the rest of that, if she doesn't feel comfortable being honest with you, then it's obvious that she as well as yourself are not ready for marriage. It's not possible to over-state how difficult marriage can be. If she can't tell you where she is going, or tell you anything without acting defensive, then she is not ready. If you are so brash as to have to make cute quip's to her in the fashion that you did through the window, you are not ready.
https://store.nwtmint.com/product_details/1359/Gold_Bar_Credit_Suisse_1_Ounce/
Better to invest in your future, and learn to take care of yourself before taking on the sort of commitment it requires to be married. My saying is if your under 25, you shouldn't be getting married. If your are over 25 and under 30, you should think a few years about it before you marry.
To note, I'm 32, and I got married when I was 31. I was with her for over 7 years before we decided to get married. My situation was a little different due to the occupation I had when I met her, I was never in a single place for very long and would be outside of technology's reach for communicate for months at a time, but the point still stands.
As for the rest of that, if she doesn't feel comfortable being honest with you, then it's obvious that she as well as yourself are not ready for marriage. It's not possible to over-state how difficult marriage can be. If she can't tell you where she is going, or tell you anything without acting defensive, then she is not ready. If you are so brash as to have to make cute quip's to her in the fashion that you did through the window, you are not ready.
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Foreigner
Bluelighter
I'm sorry but that's not how my relationships work. I don't own anyone. I love with detachment. If my partner wants to go out and fuck someone else, then they're a free agent in a free world to do so. But that's because my partner and I have established that this is acceptable behaviour.
You seem to gloss over the fact that the OP is exhibiting stalking behaviour. I would lie to a stalker regardless if he has the arbitrary title of "my boyfriend". You don't fucking follow me while I'm at a friend's place for 4 hours and wait to catch me doing something wrong so you can jump out from behind a bush and shout "aha!"
Also, your attempt to belittle what I'm saying by comparing it to legalities is laughable. OBVIOUSLY this isn't a court of law, which means she has no obligation to tell him ANYTHING especially if he is acting borderline. You get what you give out. If what you give out is constant interrogations and needing the 411 on everything your partner is doing, then it's only human behaviour to react in self-protection and increase one's privacy regardless if something wrong is happening.
Lying does not prove guilt, it just means there is not full disclosure happening. I think the reason for THAT is far more important than the lie itself.
I wouldn't take his word for it. Paranoid, borderline, stalker behaviour is pathological. Possessiveness by definition is claiming ownership over someone's existence by demanding full disclosure of their activities at all times. Relationships based on unconditional love don't exhibit such behaviours.
It says that I don't respect aggressive, demanding communication, and if my partner wants to know more about my life they can sit down and have a civilized conversation about it instead of confronting me like a sociopath right when I walk in the front door.
The fact that you can't even appreciate the other side of this argument shows your ignorance in full. You've obviously never dealt with an overly possessive partner before.
Mel22
Bluelight Crew
Wow, people are really going off on tangents in this thread.
The way I see things OP: you have two options. First, you break up with her and move on due to the lie and lack of trust - no chit chat required. Second, you have a conversation with her and take things from there.
Either way, you definitely have a big problem in your relationship and you either need to confront it, or end it.
Good luck.
The way I see things OP: you have two options. First, you break up with her and move on due to the lie and lack of trust - no chit chat required. Second, you have a conversation with her and take things from there.
Either way, you definitely have a big problem in your relationship and you either need to confront it, or end it.
Good luck.
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