Caught girlfriend lying about whereabouts red handed..... thoughts?

[josh.9]

last week (on a Sunday) my gf told me she was going to her friend's place after work. that's cool, I don't mind as I saw her the night before and I was working on my car in the garage anyway - so meh. We don't live together (but we have been dating for ~3 years) so I told her to give me a call or text when she got home just so I knew she was safe and alright.

so 11PM rolls by and all of a sudden I get this really shitty feeling in my stomach..... that same feeling like..... just before you are about to get into a fight - that kinda sick / nervous stomach feeling. I just got this gut feeling to go and check her friend's house to see if she was really there (her friend's house was about 20 mins away so not too far). I couldn't shake the feeling, in fact it got worse..... so around 11:30 I got in the car and decided to just pull a quick drive by, call myself an idiot, and go home.

I pulled up to her friend's house, and my gf's car is nowhere to be seen. The friend's car and her husband's truck were both in the driveway, and all the lights were off. Keep in mind this is a Sunday evening, with Monday being a work day. I've met the husband / friend and their circle of friends multiple times before..... they were all cool people and honestly I wasn't worried with my gf chilling around them if I wasn't there cuz a) they all seemed like good people and b) to be honest all those guys were way out of their league if they wanted my gf. Regardless she told me she was just gonna chill with her friend, alone. The friend's husband was around but whatever, that's cool. So anyway - the sick feeling gets about 10000000x worse after not seeing her car there. From this location my gf's place is about 15 mins down the road.... so I decide to go there and see if her car is in the carpark. Nope. So I go back to her friend's house.....

I pull up to a nearby plaza, where I can see the entrance of my gf's friend's place (it's a court so there's only one way in and out) plus I can see the main road that connects to it. So I figure "let's ask where she is" - obviously without interrogation / anger etc..... just a "hey I'm thinking about you, are you safe / ok". I sent one text. No reply. Sent another 30 mins later. No reply. Called twice after that. Nothing. Sent a couple more texts over 2 more hours, nothing. Called 7 times in a row, again nothing. 2:30AM rolls by. (Yes I'm not proud that I staked out her friend's house for 4 hours..... believe me not one of my best moments, and I've never done something like that before, seriously.)

Now one thing about my gf - her phone is permanently attached to her, she never misses any call / txt / email etc - so her not answering or at least shooting a text reply was very odd. So she finally calls around 2:30ish. She is in a really happy mood, all cheery n shit, and asks me why I called / texted so many times. I told her to call me when she got home, and I told her I was getting worried the later it got since she had to work the next day so staying out late didn't make a lot of sense. So here comes the bombshell - she tells me right there, as I'm staring at her friend's house, that she is just leaving her friend's house - and I know she's in the car cuz I can hear the background noise. She claimed to have fell asleep with her friend on the couch after watching their favourite show for a while. Now keep in mind I'm staring right at the place in question. She wasn't there, ever, throughout the night. I admit, I instantly got super pissed knowing that she lied SO easily and readily that I just hung up on her and turned off my phone. I went from sleepy to wide fucking awake in a nanosecond.

So, still trying to make sense of everything, and trying not to jump to conclusions I come up with a second plan to verify what direction / where she came from. By my gf's house there's another plaza, overlooking the main intersection she MUST go through to get to her house. It's a 4 way light, so I'd be able to see what direction she came from. I drove back from the friend's place to my gf's area again, and park out of the way. It took me 15 minutes to get there, and another 5 or so to find a good parking spot out of sight (cuz my daily driver is "distinctive" shall we say). It took her another 25 minutes to reach the intersection and go through it. She came from the direction of the freeway. This was the last nail in the coffin - because even if I misunderstood my gf, maybe if she even meant her friend's parent's place, instead of her friend's actual house with her husband, the way she came was the complete opposite of where her friend's house was and/ or her friend's parent's house.

At this point I lose it, but I try to stay as calm as I can. I don't pussyfoot around, so I started the car and met my gf at her parking spot as she was getting out of her car. She kinda gave me this puzzled wtf are u doing here look. I also noticed she's dressed up, like it took effort to look the way she looked - full makeup, heels, nice tight jeans, etc. Last time I picked her up from her friend's place she was in comfies...... so that was another red flag for me. I just rolled down my window and said: "Be very careful how you answer my next question. Where were you tonight?" and she immediately got confrontational / angry and said: "I already told you, I was at my friend's house? What the fuck?". At that point I called her out on her lie, then drove away.

She tried to call twice, and then stopped trying.

I don't know how this gut feeling came about and why it was so strong, but I decided to trust it and let it guide me...... and now I'm almost sorry I did. I still don't know how to feel about this. I mean, what other reason would you lie about your whereabouts, at 2/3AM on a fucking Sunday night? Where else could you be? With who? For what reason?

Basically I'm after some outside perspectives, as I was about 3 months away from proposing / grabbing the ring of her fucking dreams ($18k after saving every extra cent I had for nearly 2 years) and I want to really think this through, before I make a huge life mistake. I haven't received another explanation for her whereabouts since then, but to be honest I probably wouldn't even pick up if she called right now. Regardless, she hasn't left any voicemail or text explaining her side, or at least trying to explain.

Thoughts? I'd love a female perspective.

 

[alasdairm]

sounds like you guys need to talk.

alasdair

 

[LuGoJ]

Sounds to me like you just saved yourself from being silly and spending 18k on a ring.

 

[RedLeader]

My guess would be that she did something like going out clubbing/bar-hopping with female friends. Something that isn't exactly cheating or anything, but is something that she knows you probably would be worried about her doing. I'm not trying to call you out, but you do admit that you basically stalked her to catch her in the exact (as opposed to it falling in your lap or something), so the way that you present yourself, perhaps unbeknown to you, gives off a bit of the insecure/controlling vibe. Some guys would be okay with their girlfriends getting dressed up and going out on the town with a group of girls (and taking on the flirtation that will inevitably come with this), and some would not be. She probably wanted to do that kinda thing, even if just to get out and not to meet someone new, but had a suspicion that you'd say that you were uncomfortable with it if she asked you if she could go. Anyway, you're kinda fucked now because as long as you play the "you lied to me" card, she'll trump it with the "you were stalking me" card. In her mind, any of her transgressions should be canceled out by the fact that you stalked her and did sneaky stuff to find this out in the first place.

Or she could be fucking another guy, another girl, two guys at once, etc. Who knows really, but it seems like the heart of this is something lost in your trusting of one another, and this causing her to feel smothered and wanting to rebel.

If you ask me, the 18,000 ring would be more of a red flag for me than the fake story. Don't spend two years pay on a ring for girl. I'd end it, put half of the 18k in the bank and spend the other half on distracting yourself through the pain of the breakup.

 

[OutOnTheVeranda]

1. dump this broad
2. learn to be less needy in future relationships

 

[Johnny1]

Sorry, man. It sucks. But I would break up with her. Maybe one day some years from now when she's matured and found herself, and if you're still single, she might be able to convince you to try again, but for now it seems like it should be over. She's not on the same page as you are.

 

[josh.9]

really? I come across needy / controlling? I don't feel that way..... I just got a gut feeling out of nowhere that I couldn't shake. And it led me down this twisted path...... I mean we fucked the night before, I really wasn't in a mis-trusting state.... I was in a satisfied / relaxed state more than anything. Plus I love working on my work car, so I was in a good mood cuz I was in the middle of something and it was nice to be able to take my time and finish (as my gf was going out). But - the gut feeling hit soooo hard, so quickly. It couldn't be ignored, believe me I tried.

and the crazy ring wasn't her idea, I'm materialistic.... I have nice cars, a nice house..... it's shallow but I'm being honest. I want my wife to have a nice ring, that's my choice, not hers, although she isn't necessarily opposed to the idea either.

I'm seriously not possessive / controlling..... or jealous. It may have come across that way, due to the first time stalker routine (I admit), but it was my first ever time doing something like this. TBH curiosity made me stay and see it through to the end. It probably wasn't a good decision to go and call her out right away.... in retrospect I agree. My mistake.... but I'm not one to sit on these kinds of things, I'm very direct and honest - it's the only way I know how to be.

My gf goes out whenever she wants.... I don't want to be "that guy" that keeps his gf chained to the house like a slave. She still "asks" to go out every time tho, I usually laugh and say "you don't have to ask permission?". Cuz she doesn't, but she still does - everytime. The only rules tho are no sleeping over anywhere (I'll pick her up if need be) and to call me if she ever got into trouble. Other than that she's free to do what she wants (obviously as long as she doesn't cheat etc). The same rules go for me.

As far as the clubs / bars thing she couldn't have gone downtown because it's about 2.5 hours away, and she wouldn't have passed dress code with what she was wearing. She put effort into her appearance, but it wasn't all the way club style. Plus there aren't really any clubs around here..... unless you count the strip clubs. There's a couple bars, but she despises them as they are a bit grungy. She'd never step foot in there - she's a "fashionista" - she has told me on multiple occasions that she wouldn't be caught dead in any of the local bars. And all the cafe's / restaurants around here close around 12 on Sundays. So I doubt it's that, cuz if we put the effort in to go downtown we LEAVE around 3, and get back around 5:30ish. If she went clubbing she would've had to leave her house at 8-ish (and she was still home at that time as I was talking to her on the phone), and if she got back at 3 that means she would have had to leave the club around 12:30 / 1:00, which is when the party starts.

It just stings to think she so easily, without hesitation, straight up lied to me. Why would you lie about whereabouts, if there was nothing to hide? It also makes me think now - all the times I just blindly trusted her when she told me she was going to her friend's house..... was she really there? Now I'm second guessing everything she's said to me. I've never gone through something like this..... so I'm a bit lost. Hence the post. In the end she lied, for what reason.... is unknown.

 

[Lysis]

I don't blame you for what you did. I'm sure you had a gut feeling something was up and you just decided to drive there. I caught someone red-handed this way too. It was the weirdest shit ever...just had a gut feeling, so I drove to the bar where I knew he was and saw him kissing my friend out front. Weirdest shit ever, but at least there were no questioning or second guessing.

I'm really sorry josh. I think you should prepare for the worst and tell her you know she was lying.

 

[1Love4me]

If it was so easy for her to lie to you about this then it's probably not the first time she's lied to you. Probably not what you want to hear but like you said, now you are second guessing everything she's said to you. IME you cannot have a good, solid relationship without trust and honesty.

 

[Lysdexic]

You knew she was lying on some level, that's what gave you the 'feeling'. What trust you had is gone - you are fortunate you found out before you bought the ring. I dropped $16K on one, after I found out what she was I sold it. Got $8K, which I spent on hookers.

Experience - its what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

 

[fakeplastictrees4]

I got a gut feeling one night ( I just KNEW they were sleeping with someone else) with a person who I am in love with but was 12 hours away. 2 days later they came and visited...told me that that's what happened. Sometimes ya just know...

 

[RedLeader]

I'm seriously not possessive / controlling..... or jealous. It may have come across that way, due to the first time stalker routine (I admit), but it was my first ever time doing something like this. TBH curiosity made me stay and see it through to the end. It probably wasn't a good decision to go and call her out right away.... in retrospect I agree. My mistake.... but I'm not one to sit on these kinds of things, I'm very direct and honest - it's the only way I know how to be.

Hmm, then who knows what she was up to. Could she have been shopping for a present for you or something? Planning a surprise for you that would have required some little white lies?

 

[iheartthisthread]

josh, that sucks dude. Gut feelings are often right, but that doesn`t make it any easier. You two need to talk calm and rationally when the dust settles. I am not trying to turn this into a lounge thread, nor be an ass, but- is there a chance she would be dancing at one of the strip clubs you mentioned? She may be feeling the financial pinch the rest of us are feeling these days and trying to keep her head above water with the extra income... She might be too embarassed about it to come clean about doing it. I hope things work out for you.

 

[Effuzion]

Sounds to me like you just saved yourself from being silly and spending 18k on a ring.

Amen.

The fact that you even knew to check out her friends house means you don't trust her. It sucks but the only way this gets better is if you move on, really no better advice we can give.

 

[izzy66]

Listen to gut feelings. There's usually a very good reason why you have them.
Lies, on the level this sounds, are deal breakers.
An easy liar is a scary person to be involved with.
There are good people out there, too many to waste time on a person who so easily lies right to your face.
Invest the $18000.
Best of luck to you.
-izzy

 

[brutus]

I caught my ex doing something similar, so I feel your pain man.

 

[footscrazy]

It's impossible to say what's really happening here.

She might be cheating on you, or she might be lying for another reason. I don't know if you're a controlling, insecure or possessive guy. If you were, I don't think you'd necessarily even know. I was in a relationship once with a jealous fuck, and I can guarantee you that he felt that 'gut feeling' something wasn't right plenty of times, but he was wrong every single time. Instincts aren't always correct. It's possible she feels like you wouldn't be happy if you knew she saw a certain person, or went to a certain place, and hence lied about it. Either way, there's something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.

 

[josh.9]

argghhh can't sleep.

Hmm, then who knows what she was up to. Could she have been shopping for a present for you or something? Planning a surprise for you that would have required some little white lies?

definitely not. she left her house around 9ish, all malls / retail locations on sunday close at the latest @ 8 here. No events (bday / anniversary etc) are even remotely close on the calendar either.

I am not trying to turn this into a lounge thread, nor be an ass, but- is there a chance she would be dancing at one of the strip clubs you mentioned? ... She might be too embarassed about it to come clean about doing it.

at first thought I doubt it, but that's what I thought about these 3 girls when I used to work @ guess in the mall (back like 9 yrs ago). perfectly normal girls (great looking too obviously) that you would never guess were "dancers". some apparently did more than that as well here and there. If this is where she goes when she says "I'm going to my friend's house", then I'd definitely leave her. 3 years or not, I can't marry an undercover ripper. I'm not possessive, but to know countless idiots are touching her in private dances would be enough to end it. Let alone what else might possibly be going on in the back room. I can say this though - I didn't see any monetary gain from it on her part, she was almost always broke. Rippers usually have cash on hand, no? Who knows at this point, but I feel that's doubtful knowing her. then again I thought my gf didn't lie to me, but clearly she does. so wtf do I know.... really?

I don't know if you're a controlling, insecure or possessive guy. If you were, I don't think you'd necessarily even know. I was in a relationship once with a jealous fuck, and I can guarantee you that he felt that 'gut feeling' something wasn't right plenty of times, but he was wrong every single time. Instincts aren't always correct.

obviously everyone has to take my word on it, but I'm seriously not any of those things. As far as the "gut feeling", this is the first time I've felt it with this kind of intensity in a couple years at least, easily. the last time it felt that intense was downtown when I was up against 2 guys who wanted to rip my head off. they were drunk and probably jealous of the girls I was with at the time (my gf and a few of her friends). Who knows - but luckily my friend came just in time and made it a fair 2v2.

the gut feeling like this doesn't happen to me very often. I admit, it's weird that I just felt something was wrong outta nowhere. literally - I was finishing up installing a new fuel rail & regulator when it just hit..... a nauseous / sick / nervous? feeling deep in my stomach - pretty much instantly. I trusted my gf up until a few days ago. Now, I'm not so sure. She lied over the phone, and then she lied right to my face. In one night. And I KNOW she was lying 100%. Who's to say she hasn't done this before then, if it came so easily to her.

this situation, and the now infamous "gut feeling" are first time events for me. I've never gone through something like this, let alone catch someone lying based on intuition. It's kinda freaky.... but I have to tell ya after this experience I will trust my gut more often. I never really have in the past, I always used to shrug the feeling off - but for some reason this time it was SO strong and just wouldn't go away. I couldn't ignore it.

 

[AmorRoark]

I agree with all the sentiments that you guys should probably break up but you should first give her a chance to explain herself (but don't let hr manipulate you). I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm curious, what is your status with her now? Have you spoken to her? Do you plan to? Is she impossible to avoid in your daily life?

 

[josh.9]

well she tried calling twice right after I confronted her at the carpark, other than that I haven't heard anything at all from her in about a week. I honestly don't know if I want to talk with her, I'm still way too angry about this whole situation..... you think you know someone after 3 years but when something like this happens it rocks all your foundations. Hard.

However, she is in the wrong - so I thought she would at least leave a voicemail with her "explanation", or at least some kind of text, or even an email? I mean I thought some kind of effort would be shown..... nothing though. If we break up I probably wouldn't see her again, save chance.