I've been stuck in a room for months, years even.. sleeping for sometimes 18 hours a day, from exhaustion, and trying to avoid reality by being asleep. Pathetic. I've smoked heroin, day in, day out, trying to block being depressed and stop the anxiety. I have been fooling myself by thinking that 'next day' will be better, someday I'll magically change, or, when I'm down, reminding myself that I'll probably die soon from the recurring pneumonia or perhaps, pick up a needle and overdose.
I've been so brain dead inside and numb, trying to block my past and present, grim reality. I've been in denial for so long, as the alternative just seemed to be stuck with obsessive thoughts about suicide. I've built up a barrier in my head to not have to deal with what happened in the past... argh..
I'm struggling to make sense of things. Every time I think about my past, my suicide attempts and what led me to them, I just feel pain in my stomach, my brain goes blank. I then go back to my routine of trying to block it out, by smoking opiates, sleeping all day and getting absorbed into movies and television, getting absorbed into characters lives. I guess I have no fulfilment, excitement or fun, so I momentarily enjoy getting absorbed into the stories that do. Pathetic, I realise.. I am my own protagonist, I don't want this life any more. I am sick of struggling, of being depressed, constantly smoking h.
I have tried getting help, by opening up to numerous drug careworkers, seeking advice and support on how to deal with the problems that are causing the drug use, but they simply tell me to stop using, as if it were simple as that.
However, there is a catch 22. Flashbacks and vivid memories of suicide attempts, rape, domestic violence.. it is even hard to type. I just got stuck in one of those depressing gazes for far too long. I felt as if I were reliving the darkest of times again, and I can't concentrate on anything else..
God damn.. It's as if I've been waiting for some hoping of enlightenment, some kind of alternative, practical coping mechanism, or strategy to deal with these things, and -then-, I thought then I'll be confident in giving up heroin.
I understand now, I was excepting and asking for too much of them, to give advice on ways to live without drugs, how to deal with my problems that are causing the addiction. I need to find my own
I've been so brain dead inside and numb, trying to block my past and present, grim reality. I've been in denial for so long, as the alternative just seemed to be stuck with obsessive thoughts about suicide. I've built up a barrier in my head to not have to deal with what happened in the past... argh..
I'm struggling to make sense of things. Every time I think about my past, my suicide attempts and what led me to them, I just feel pain in my stomach, my brain goes blank. I then go back to my routine of trying to block it out, by smoking opiates, sleeping all day and getting absorbed into movies and television, getting absorbed into characters lives. I guess I have no fulfilment, excitement or fun, so I momentarily enjoy getting absorbed into the stories that do. Pathetic, I realise.. I am my own protagonist, I don't want this life any more. I am sick of struggling, of being depressed, constantly smoking h.
I have tried getting help, by opening up to numerous drug careworkers, seeking advice and support on how to deal with the problems that are causing the drug use, but they simply tell me to stop using, as if it were simple as that.
However, there is a catch 22. Flashbacks and vivid memories of suicide attempts, rape, domestic violence.. it is even hard to type. I just got stuck in one of those depressing gazes for far too long. I felt as if I were reliving the darkest of times again, and I can't concentrate on anything else..
God damn.. It's as if I've been waiting for some hoping of enlightenment, some kind of alternative, practical coping mechanism, or strategy to deal with these things, and -then-, I thought then I'll be confident in giving up heroin.
I understand now, I was excepting and asking for too much of them, to give advice on ways to live without drugs, how to deal with my problems that are causing the addiction. I need to find my own