Nirvana's Heart Shaped Box was playing on the radio a little while ago while I was laying in bed... it got me thinking about how when I was young, in the '90s, the entire meaning of the song went over my head. Not only that, but where the song was coming from was such a foreign place to me. I was such an innocent kid... looking back I was so unaware of so much. I feel like I wasn't even conscious on the same level. I can't remember anything really until I was maybe 4, 5 minimum... and my entire childhood is a bit of a blur (a happy blur).
In contrast, my wife, by all accounts, was born with her personality (a strong one if you hadn't guessed). She has memories that have been verified by her mother from when she was as young as 6 months old... down to things people said, patterns on fabrics, events that no one is sure how she could have comprehended what was going on at such a young age. She is very particular about things... a control freak I guess you could say. She has a tendency toward a very strong ego. She says she's felt like the exact same person her whole life... like she can immediately relate to herself as an infant, today. I feel like I've changed so much that I'm not sure I would recognize the way I perceived as a child. I feel like I developed a personality/ego very gradually and kind of late.
I feel like my role as a being is an observer. I often forget that situations I'm in involve me, even if I'm part of them. Like
I am always one step removed, even from my emotions and physical self. As a result of this, I have a tendency to feel like I float on through life. As I've gotten older I've realized I need to work on this in order to feel like a participant in my own life instead of an observer. I have a tendency to not notice stuff and be lost in my head. I am the polar opposite of a control freak - for the most part, I couldn't give two shits about my surroundings (I prefer for them to be beautiful of course

).
Interesting how I ended up marrying someone who so oppositely compliments me (and vice versa). Knowing her for the last 7 and a half years has really helped me to become more fully aware and present in my daily life. Being an observer is ultimately a useful thing for me because it gives me a lot of time and ability to analyze things impartially. But sometimes it makes me feel a bit detached. Which is why I'm glad I met her.
