caring for your kids when you're mentally ill

[cato9lives]

caring for your child when you're mentally ill

i'm borderline / schizoid. i'm an addict. i'm a single dad of a young child. i'm a world-class actor. (no one knows that last except me)

there are days, too many, when i'm deeply distressed by terrible thoughts. on the surface, everything is fine. i do and say the right things. we read and draw and do homework and go sledding and cook.

but there's another layer that i can't control - a level of my mind that is a fear/hell zone. where horrible things are constantly happening to the child i love.

we can be sitting there reading a book together. in my head a movie is playing with the worst imaginable things happening to my kid. i can't stop it. makes me feel insane. i can't look at her. if i do, all i feel is horror.

i do opiates to enable me to keep appearing normal, to fortify my crumbling mind, but as she gets older, i know she's learning to detect more subtle signs. i know she's starting to see the hellvoid in my eyes, despite my act. i know she's starting to sense the dark, dank emotional undercurrent. i've pushed myself through so much mental horror that i'm becoming a hollow-eyed zombie.

i love my kid. without my child i'd have nothing at all. i've never hurt her. i'd go through hell for her. and do.

but she's sensing this other part of me, her beloved dad, and i'm terrified how this might start to affect her.

the worst thing i could possibly imagine happening to her, is that she turns out like me. i wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone the child i love.

i feel like maybe i should find a way to just get out of her life. but she loves being with me, needs me --- except, there's this dark part of me. i hate it. it's threatening to steal the only good thing in my life.

if anyone else has experienced or is experiencing anything like this, please let me know. i need to know i'm not the only one that's gone through this, and what you've done to help get through.

if you had borderline parents that were anything like me, i would ---LOVE--- to talk to you. no matter how bad it was, i need to know what you think could have helped. and how it impacted you.

borderlines; are there meds that will help without making me stupid ?

 

[cosmicranch]

I feel for you so much! Your message makes me cry. I'm 36 and my dad died 1 years ago from complications from hepC. He was an addict and crazy as hell. At times he made my life hell but he loved me so much and taught me so much. Mainly HOW to love unconditionally. Looking back I wouldn't change a thing except wanting him to be alive today. Please don't doubt that your daughter chose YOU and you were meant to be together. I remember when I was 6 he tried to kill himself and it hurt me so bad. I just always wanted to take away his pain and was so glad he didn't succeed. I feel that my relationship with him has helped me understand so many things in life that I cannot find words for. It has helped me love people and see the good in people that can be so deeply hidden behind layers of pain. If my life would have been like the brady bunch I feel I would be so shallow and maybe not beable to love with such passion. Good luck to you

 

[cato9lives]

cosmicranch thank you for telling me that! i'm so sorry to hear about your dad. i can only hope i can be good enough of a dad that my daughter someday remembers me with this kind of affection.

Please don't doubt that your daughter chose YOU and you were meant to be together.

this means a lot to me. when she's asleep or out and i have time to try and untangle i do think that same thing, but to have someone else say it gives it more power to help !!! thank you !!!

this is the first time i've ever opened up that part of my head to anyone and i thought people might just either ignore me (because i really am the only one) or just say i'm awful and should be killed - that's borderline disorder talking i guess. i know that wouldnt be said but I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE KILLED -

on some weird emotional level i'm always expecting the mob to come for me pitchforks and flaming torches and everything - and i haven't smoked crack for years !

 

[Lolie]

There's not much consensus on the usefulness of meds for borderline personality disorder but dialectical behavioural therapy is showing promising results. The downside of DBT is that it requires enormous commitment as it's extremely taxing emotionally for those with a low distress tolerance (which is a key feature of BPD).

You sound pretty motivated to protect your daughter so I'd encourage you to seek out a DBT practitioner.

 

[UpdownUP]

we can be sitting there reading a book together. in my head a movie is playing with the worst imaginable things happening to my kid. i can't stop it. makes me feel insane.

I know EXACTLY what you are going through, you poor guy!!....
My worst was home invasions, and car crashes...so real that you see the most horrifying vomit inducing things happening to your child...Do you also get the fallout? I have 2 kids, and if what I saw really happened, I know what I'd do...click click, but not if just one did, how would I cope??

It's anxiety, it took me a long time to realise it, and I'll tell you now that it does lessen in intensity over time. As a devoted Father we have a strong sense of protection, and the fear of the things we cannot protect them from creates a feeling that we cannot describe..
Now add to that your mental 'ailment'.. for me it's Bi-Polar, and you have a recipe for the most extreme anxiety attacks ever experianced.

I would just be walking to the shop, or having a ciggarrette and BOOM there it is, like falling asleep and having a nightmare..or a vision of the inevitible, or it was happening right then. It's so real, it's a real headfuck..
I would be nearly convinced sometimes that it had happened, I once locked myself in a public toilet for 6 hours because I thought the policeman was there to tell me that the car crash I had just "witnessed" had happened...Everytime I would call me wife just to make sure they where all ok, if I couldn't get through I would panic even more!

It rarely happened whilst I was with my kids though, (outside in the garden while they were inside perhaps) but usually it was when I couldn't guarantee their safety..


You aint insane, and there is NOTHING to fear! Here's what helped me...

Time..

My kids began showing their independence, they started learning to talk full sentences, and just growing up a little, they are a lot less vunerable the older they get..

Talk to other Dads, it's very common to feel extreme anxiety over your childrens wellbeing, and adding a mental condition on top of it, is literally like pouring petrol on the fire!

Focus not on the experiance you are having, but the mental illness you have. What you are going through in regards to all this is a symptom of your illness, work on getting stable, medications, counselling etc. See a doctor...

This may seem very silly, but the TV show 'The Mentalist' actually really helped me...I know sounds stupid, but I'd found this series 1 dvd and thought I'd watch it....Turns out his wife and child where killed by a serial killer, and it deals with his life afterwards, he gets on with his life and channels the feelings he has into different things, things I never thought I could relate to...but it sort of took the edge off a bit...

Over time it became less and less, and writing this did bring up a little anxiety, but I have a lot of control these days (something which took many years)



You also need to get off the dope, although I'm sure you know that already lol!!


Good luck it will get better, I promise!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Child Protective Services in my area has a voluntary program where someone checks in on you and refers you to resources to help with any problems you have that could be affecting your ability to parent well.

But they could end up insisting you do treatment. If they see really unsafe or unhealthy stuff they could move to temporarily remove a child which would move everything to the courts and make the situation involuntary. If I were parenting and messing up I think I would engage that program to keep myself in check and get an outside perspective on what needed to be done.

 

[GoldWatcher]

Sorry for your troubles. I am a young first-time father, and my old life forces me to play out all-manner of scenarios in my head. I am borderline OCD and schizo, cant help it either. The truth is I think I am a superbly dedicated father and that mixed with my afflictions, creates a love of watchful awareness and planning.

Though the intense scenes that play out are literally gut-wrenching.

Stay strong, you arent crazy and wont be until you let yourself be.

 

[Silenced]

My husband says he has visions sometimes like that about me.... weird.
I never really knew there were more people who experienced things like that.
He says that's why he likes us to do drugs together... because then we're both happy and comfortable together.

 

[Asclepius]

love my kid. without my child i'd have nothing at all. i've never hurt her. i'd go through hell for her. and do.

but she's sensing this other part of me, her beloved dad, and i'm terrified how this might start to affect her.

the worst thing i could possibly imagine happening to her, is that she turns out like me. i wouldn't wish this on anyone, let alone the child i love.

It is so beautiful to read this...I have so much respect for parents like you who are trying to do the right thing by your child.
I dont have kids myself but terribly want them, however, my emotional problems are a large part of this also Im terrified I will not be a good parent.
I have borderline traits, havn't been formally diagnosed but I fit the criteria, however as Ive gotten older symptoms aren't as acute. My Neurotic fear, over thinking, over Analysing, unhealthy coping mechanisms ie Bulemia, Depression,Isoloating, binge drinking, mood swings etc always make me feel like I dont measure up but worst of all is the unstable sense of Self also prevents me from knowing whether Im over or underreacting to situations including my ability to be responsible for a child.
I've often obsessed about how my perceived inability to look after a kid is true or not. Ive been told by several people that I would be a good mother but am terrified of that dark side leaking out and sucking on the little life of something so vulnerable and maleable. Its one area in my life that really hurts me to the core and makes me feel deficient as a woman and an Adult.
I really hope you develop a recognition of a strength in yourself Cat, the Opiate problem will inevitably impact on your bably girl as she gets older but from what I know a childs sense of self looks to a parents for guidance and for you to be fighting for yourself and to believe in yourself, will be a gift that she can carry with her for life.
My own Mother had Mental Emotional problems: Severe Anxiety, Violent Mood Swings and what hurt me the most/impacted on me the most was to see my Mother Suffer out of control of any sense of balance. She did get alot of help and was open to it, she dealt with, became honest about and faced alot of personal problems and this allowed me to eventually build myself up and not blame myself for the demons that she was facing.
Sorry I cant be of more help to you but you seem like you are going in the right direction with facing your own hurdles, best of luck to you, there is help out there and finding the right resources might take the pressure off you and vicariously take it away from your little one also.

 

[cato9lives]

thanks all it feels amazing to put this out in the world like this and get feedback. long live bluelight and tds !

You sound pretty motivated to protect your daughter so I'd encourage you to seek out a DBT practitioner.

i read up on DBT this morn. i'm definitely seeking this out.

It's anxiety, it took me a long time to realise it, and I'll tell you now that it does lessen in intensity over time. As a devoted Father we have a strong sense of protection, and the fear of the things we cannot protect them from creates a feeling that we cannot describe..
Now add to that your mental 'ailment'.. for me it's Bi-Polar, and you have a recipe for the most extreme anxiety attacks ever experianced.

You aint insane, and there is NOTHING to fear! Here's what helped me...

UpdownUp thank you for your words. i'm sorry to hear that you've been through this too, but the selfish part of me feels "thank god i'm not the only one". you're so right about it being the natural and necessary fears that we have built-in to help us protect our kids, but amplified out of control by the other stuff in our heads. a huge part of this is being afraid of the fear itself ! you learned to cope with it. that means it's possible. thank you also for risking your own anxiety to write that up for us. (cause you're not only helping me but my kid too).

If they see really unsafe or unhealthy stuff they could move to temporarily remove a child which would move everything to the courts and make the situation involuntary. If I were parenting and messing up I think I would engage that program to keep myself in check and get an outside perspective on what needed to be done.

good idea to add this for the child's sake. however i do take proper care of her. they actually were here fairly recently because of an issue relating to her mom (who's not here now), and when they were here i asked them to make sure i was doing things ok. they had no concerns. but of course i didn't tell them what goes on in my head.

The truth is I think I am a superbly dedicated father and that mixed with my afflictions, creates a love of watchful awareness and planning.

YES ! that's what i am too. we're over-attuned to potential dangers because we care so much. i guess we shouldn't feel bad about it. i feel like the Terminator sitting there reviewing all possible threats and staying prepared. problem being the probability of most of these things happening is nearly zero.

My husband says he has visions sometimes like that about me.... weird.
I never really knew there were more people who experienced things like that.
He says that's why he likes us to do drugs together... because then we're both happy and comfortable together.

Yup that's why i resort to narcotics too - i actually do it in a twisted attempt to be a better dad - the sad truth being that in my case it really does work, for now. my anxiety goes down, i can relax and have fun, be patient etc. i know i can't keep doing it like this but for now---

I dont have kids myself but terribly want them, however, my emotional problems are a large part of this also Im terrified I will not be a good parent.

Wow there is so much in this !!! i'm tempted to quote the whole thing. we have a lot in common. i'm sure you know this but the fact you worry so much about whether you'd be a good parent probably means you'd be a really good one.

i'm so much like you, and sometimes it's hell on me, but i am a good parent. and there are times that are sooooo good. the best moments of my life have been taking my girl to the zoo, the science centre, the museum--- to vicariously take part in her sense of wonder and thrill in discovering how huge and full of interesting things the world is --- yes i do need help for myself, i worry WAY too much.

but the most important thing is probably to find the right dad. i didn't make a good choice at all for her mom, and that's made things much more difficult. if you choose to have a child, and you can find someone with a lot of empathy and patience, it could be wonderful for you i bet ! really hard moments no doubt, but that just makes the good times all the better. don't give up on that ! you seem like a very caring and thoughtful person.

 

[GoldWatcher]

Its true. Most parents do not want to spend a single minute, or thought on their child after they get off work or have "better" things to do. The fact that a person spends a more than usual amount of time contemplating your child's perspective of you, possible incidents, and future preparedness says so so much.

Stay strong.

 

[Asclepius]

Thanks for your post Cat, and the kind words. I have laid out options for myself and may even foster in the future but you cant really plan these things exactly, so Il keep an open mind for the time being. I also am in no rush(apart from my biological clock etc) but it's great to be able to vent this, as most women that I come across, that have kids, dont seem to talk about their anxiety's/insecurities about childrearing etc
I understand that you have experienced negative outcomes with Psychiatry in the past and that you will be sensibly wary but that may now work as a good thing IMO, now hopefully, you will be more empowered to search, discerningly, for something that will work best in you and your little one's interests.
Have you heard of DBT? - it might be worth checking out someone who uses this approach to therapy etc...I myself, saw a pair of Psychotherapist's, many years ago; that experience was invaluable to me and unknownst to me at the time(until I saw about it on BL), they used this approach.
One happened to tell me that I'd be able to identify with people with schizophrenia, which I found baffling ATT but then I read this:

Borderline personality disorder was once classified as a subset of schizophrenia (describing patients with borderline schizophrenic tendencies). Today BPD is used more generally to describe individuals who display emotional dysregulation and instability, with paranoid schizophrenic ideation or delusions being only one criterion (criterion #9) of a total of 9 criteria, of which 5, or more, must be present for this diagnosis.

There is also a BPD Thread on TDS, dunno if you came across it already?
Anyway, let us know how you get on in your search with finding real help and support for yourself!