Can't Talk to People -- Bad Anxiety

[Specified]

Go to brothels

 

[nuttynutskin]

Join a satanic group. Once you make your first sacrifice your confidence will likely excel.

 

[llama112]

I've had severe social anxiety as long as I can remember. Similar to you, I've used clonazepam for a bit but it's not as effective as it was before. I've been seeing psychiatrists, therapists, etc. for over five years, trying to get help.

I hate to say this but, because I am generally considered an attractive female, I get approached my males who eventually I end up talking to so I have dated before and had relationships. Once I get to know someone, it's not as hard start talking to them and opening up a bit. The guy I'm dating now was saying how it was so hard to get to know me and find out anything about me. It took a while.

The guy I'm dating now, he knows I have social anxiety. He says just listen to what someone is talking about and pick up on certain things and then ask them questions about it. For example: Person is a teacher. What subject do you teach? What grade do you teach? Do you enjoy it? How long have you been teaching? What do you enjoy about teaching? Or maybe someone is into music. What type of music? Who is your favourite band/DJ? What was the best show you've ever been to? Do you play an instrument? I am vegan so many people will ask me why are you vegan? How long have you been vegan? Is it difficult being vegan? When someone expresses interests in something like that, I end up being able to talk about it more and, even if they aren't vegan or even that interested in it, it provides a starting point for conversation.

However. I have dated. Mostly because guys have approached me, being an attractive female (I don't mean to be conceited but that is the case, it is simply about looks). I don't have many friends.

Self esteem is a big thing, you do need to be confident. You may need to get out more and to different places.

The guy I'm seeing, I guess he would be considered more a "funny" guy. He would be (very generalized) considered funny and nice. He doesn't think he's attractive (but I think he is) and English isn't his first language and he has an accent so often I have to ask him to repeat himself or I simply don't get the word he is saying because he isn't pronouncing it correctly (he's been here for 15+ years, I don't think it's going away lol)... so I'm just saying this guy has issues with not being considered attractive as well as issues with speaking/language (although different issues than you). He doesn't have anxiety but he does have those features that could make him have low self esteem but, although I think it may effect him somewhat, it doesn't ruin everything and he is able to move on with it. He's different. Sure, he's weird. I like weird anyway.

What are your interests? Hobbies? Try to figure those out. Make friends based on those. I've been able to make acquaintances at least based on similar interests (music, my career, and being vegan). I do have a couple friends now which I'm kind of impressed by as I've never really had friends (I'm 27 now and definitely never really had friends until I finished college when I was 20). But I've made a couple friends and I've made some acquaintances who could be friends. I've dated (although most of them were the guys approaching me... unfortunately a very sexist thing that just seems to happen) and it's been okay. But anyone I've met (friends, aquaintances, guys I've dated) have all been through some sort of mutual interest/hobby/etc so those are helpful.

 

[swilow]

I wonder if the OP could consider coming off diazepam? Consider that with tolerance to the drug (which you mention experiencing) you actually end up in mild withdrawal- which will usually manifest as exactly what you started taking the shit for anyway. Rather than cure or relieve anxiety, benzo's typically promote anxiety in the long term. I really do not think these drugs are valid tools for anxiety disorders and have been terribly burnt by them.

I get pretty bad social anxiety and have since I was about 12. I'm 35 now, this isn't going away. But, I've learned a few ways to deal with it but they do require practise. Firstly, I would strongly suggest meditation and focused relaxation exercises. This takes a while to 'work', but what it does is give your brain a means of slowing things down so you can think of things to say and also control some of the physical symptoms associated with social anxiety like flushing or trembling voice. It gives you a little buffer to work with. Rather than simply react to what's happening, you give yourself some time to think about HOW to react.

Secondly is just forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations but in a controlled way. I'm not suggesting walking up to a stranger and striking up a conversation; start by doing really mundane things like interacting a bit more with sales-people or any people you can have a quick chat with before moving on. You will get more used to it.

The last thing I suggest is a bit of cognitive re-routing. So your voice is trembling a bit? Think about it- so what? If somebody notices, what will they think? You cannot know anyway, so this is a fruitless line of thought, but how would you react to somebody with a trembling voice? Would you run screaming that there is an alien amongst us, or would you more probably just briefly think 'their voice is trembling' and move on- or would you even notice? For me, I reaslised that I wasn't working around judging peoples weirdness because I was so focused on my own, and most people are like this. Despite how it feels, if you have a conversation with most people, they are thinking more about how they appear to you then they are thinking about you.

Try to notice your safety behaviours. These are usually adaptations we make to try and cope with our anxiety, and they often take the form of avoidance. They may make us feel safer and less anxious in the short term, but because they do not really address the actual problem, you will find yourself creating more and more of these safety behaviours and your anxiety will worsen. If you talk to a person, and your voice trembles, you are not going to die. Nothing truly bad is going to happen; the worst possible outcome would be the person thinking you are a bit weird. On the other hand, when you try and avoid this minor issue you end up having to avoid heaps of your actual life, and this IS a bad outcome.

Trust yourself. Humans are social animals, we evolved to talk and share our lives. Trust in your ability to innately do this. If you spend most of your interactions worried about how you appear to others, of course you won't have time to consider engaging in conversation. Try and redirect your thoughts towards a focus with more utility. And rememember, you don't HAVE to be like other people. Just be yourself and nothing much else matters.

My own social anxiety is still present but it impedes me much less than it used to.

 

[wallywogs]

Yer guy sounds pretty decent, I liked his advice on listening, something I could do more of. I understand those of you with social anxiety to some extent. I spent years in large scale Information Technology and managed some of the smartest men and women you can imagine. Most of them, including me were a bit odd. I think by nature many technical people are introverts.
Don't feel that your anxiety is all on you, sometimes the more extroverted people need to realize they are doing all the talking and engage you.
Once I learned how to stop talking and see if anyone else had something to say my relationships improved.
One last thing, in my experience in a social setting the only people that really know you are uncomfortable are people who are uncomfortable too. The others are to busy yapping LOL.
cheers

I've had severe social anxiety as long as I can remember. Similar to you, I've used clonazepam for a bit but it's not as effective as it was before. I've been seeing psychiatrists, therapists, etc. for over five years, trying to get help.

I hate to say this but, because I am generally considered an attractive female, I get approached my males who eventually I end up talking to so I have dated before and had relationships. Once I get to know someone, it's not as hard start talking to them and opening up a bit. The guy I'm dating now was saying how it was so hard to get to know me and find out anything about me. It took a while.

The guy I'm dating now, he knows I have social anxiety. He says just listen to what someone is talking about and pick up on certain things and then ask them questions about it. For example: Person is a teacher. What subject do you teach? What grade do you teach? Do you enjoy it? How long have you been teaching? What do you enjoy about teaching? Or maybe someone is into music. What type of music? Who is your favourite band/DJ? What was the best show you've ever been to? Do you play an instrument? I am vegan so many people will ask me why are you vegan? How long have you been vegan? Is it difficult being vegan? When someone expresses interests in something like that, I end up being able to talk about it more and, even if they aren't vegan or even that interested in it, it provides a starting point for conversation.

However. I have dated. Mostly because guys have approached me, being an attractive female (I don't mean to be conceited but that is the case, it is simply about looks). I don't have many friends.

Self esteem is a big thing, you do need to be confident. You may need to get out more and to different places.

The guy I'm seeing, I guess he would be considered more a "funny" guy. He would be (very generalized) considered funny and nice. He doesn't think he's attractive (but I think he is) and English isn't his first language and he has an accent so often I have to ask him to repeat himself or I simply don't get the word he is saying because he isn't pronouncing it correctly (he's been here for 15+ years, I don't think it's going away lol)... so I'm just saying this guy has issues with not being considered attractive as well as issues with speaking/language (although different issues than you). He doesn't have anxiety but he does have those features that could make him have low self esteem but, although I think it may effect him somewhat, it doesn't ruin everything and he is able to move on with it. He's different. Sure, he's weird. I like weird anyway.

What are your interests? Hobbies? Try to figure those out. Make friends based on those. I've been able to make acquaintances at least based on similar interests (music, my career, and being vegan). I do have a couple friends now which I'm kind of impressed by as I've never really had friends (I'm 27 now and definitely never really had friends until I finished college when I was 20). But I've made a couple friends and I've made some acquaintances who could be friends. I've dated (although most of them were the guys approaching me... unfortunately a very sexist thing that just seems to happen) and it's been okay. But anyone I've met (friends, aquaintances, guys I've dated) have all been through some sort of mutual interest/hobby/etc so those are helpful.