Can't stop, depressed

[Rhisper]

Hi all, looks like another sleepless night. I've made such a mess of my life and I don't know what to do. I've been doing heroin for about 7 or 8 years now, and I just got into legal trouble last June. I got a DUID (driving under the influence of drugs) and my public defender told me to get into rehab because it will look good for court. The thing is, I wasn't even high. I was coming off methadone and heroin and hadn't really slept in about a month. I crashed into someone's fence and woke up with the cops there. They arrested me because I refused the test. While I was not high, I am a heroin addict and I'm sure it would have shown up from the day before. So I spent about a week in jail then got ROR'd, but when I got out I went back to using. Now I've cut down my use a lot, only doing a bag a day since that happened, and I was able to kick when I went on vacation and it wasn't that bad, but then I started again. I went almost three days clean since Friday night, but then I shot a bag again today. I really want to stop, and the withdrawals aren't that bad, pretty mild considering, mostly no sleep and feeling restless and depressed and anxious, but it seems no matter how many times I stop I keep going back. I also get so depressed, I feel completely trapped, it's like I can't stand doing anything, and I can't stand doing nothing. I have to keep it a secret from everyone, and I have no one to talk to about it. Sometimes I feel like I want to kill myself but I don't think I could do it, I don't really want to die, but I feel so trapped. It's easy to make resolutions to stop but once I'm withdrawing and fiending that all goes out the window. I don't know what to do, even if I get sober I have such an uphill battle ahead of me to even be able to get a job and a huge mountain of debt. It seems so fucking hopeless.

 

[RobotRipping]

i think the depression,hopelessness and anhedonia are part of the withdrawal process, even after the physical withdrawal is over. If you can just tell yourself that what you are experiencing is normal and will go away maybe it will make it easier. It's easier said than done though. Maybe you can stabilize on suboxone or methadone, get your life together and taper off or some other similar plan. It's much easier to get your life in order and go through PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) than to quit while everything is still shitty.