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Can't sleep again...writing about past pains

mdmantpa

mdmantpa

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 18, 2009
Messages
1,205
Location
Florida, USA
I used to always get as high as I could to try and forget how much I hated myself and how worthless I always felt growing up. Sometimes I would OD only to wake up in the ER, pissed off to still be alive. Well I got cleaned up, and don't want my feelings to take me back to being enslaved to drugs. I've tried just writing these little corny poems to get som of this shit off my chest. If anyone can relate let me know. And I know my poetry skills are not the best, but if it helps me stay clean then fuck it.

"You know what hurts me real bad?
It’s these memories of my fucking dad
I remember being forced to smoke crack
After that I wanted to run away and never come back
I remember watchin him send my mom to the ICU
For that I could never forgive you
How could one man be so bad?
The same man I have to call Dad
I remember visiting you in prison
All those years and you never had time to listen
You were never a father to me
But you were always a bother to me
I hate that I grew up just like you too
Selling drugs and smoking rock just like you
It has been nothing but trouble and pain
Waking up shaking until I could hit that vein
Fuck having to always be high
I needed that shit just to get myself by
It was because I hated myself so bad
And it was all because of you dad
I hope your real proud now
I got one thing I want to say real loud now
FUCK YOU!"
 
Well, I want to say that that was really nice, but that sounds wrong...I hope you know what I mean.

Looks like you have been through a lot and I'm glad you have found a way to work through it!
 
Dude, how does that "piece of poetry" classify itself as really nice in your eyes? You got bad taste man.

Yeah we all go to hell and back with drugs, well most of us anyways. Shit, Im 18 and I've been through, ugh, 3 benzo withdrawals :) I manage to smile even though I can't speak to someone in person due to speech-related withdrawal symptoms.
 
How do you feel now?
I like your poem......
Reading it- I thought it must have felt good to get that off of your chest:)
I used to write letters to people I had smilar feelings for....
I think I may try this again now that I have almost gotten past it all....
Have you done this?
Have you ever sent your father any of this?
 
Hey ocean, thanks for the response.
and yes, it felt much better to just get that out
I have Bipolar II Disorder, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder...or so the psychiatrist says lol
the PTSD and dissociation stems a lot from my father
and no I haven't sent him anything, the last time I saw him he kicked me out of his house and told me to never see him again because I ran out of crack for us to smoke. I don't even know how to get in touch with him anymore, half the time he's living on the streets smoking rock...
 
well.....sounds like it is better you don't have contact with him.......
I know it is hard when your parents never step into the role of parent......


Are you sober now?
You said in your first post reading thru this makes it easier to stay clean.....
If that is the case-You should be proud of that......
You can learn from his mistakes.
 
with the permission of the OP im moving this to 'words' but editting out some of the more personal replies

btw, as i said via PM to this talented writer, i can relate in some ways to his work and the anger behind his relationship with his father

gd work mdmantpa - its moving and powerful and gets the msg across
TDS------>Words
 
If you feel that way about your father, there is room for forgiveness. Like yourself, he was not born that way. Also, you can change. If you have children, strive to be a good father so the pattern ends with you.
 
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