Can't hold on much longer.

[tommy34]

So I'm not sure what to write but venting on her usually makes me feel better. Today I went to the doctors to show him some chest ex-rays an whatever. I told him last time I was on Citalopram for a while an he said some come back an he will show me some exercise thing. So today I went back thinking third time lucky, maybe I'll finally get a doc that wants to help. He didn't even remember me an just told me about some thing he made up and shit. I've been to two other docs about depression an anxiety and no one seems to care. They just want to send me off to see a psychologist an I know I should do that but I just can't for some reason. So I left fucking angry, I never get angry, I am usually a very calm person. Lately I've been feeling the anger build. I feel like I'm trapped here in this shitting life an there is nothing I can do about it. I can't end it because my mum and girlfriend would be absolutely devastated and I just couldn't do that to them. I feel like I have no control over my life and I'm stuck with nothing to do but be miserable for the rest of my life. I'm fucking sick of feeling sorry for myself. I don't even hate myself anymore, I just hate life... Its shit. I saw a girl with a tattoo on the back her her leg the other night an it said 'Life' I just thought "what the fuck?" Why would you get such a peace of shit word on your leg an be reminded of it every day?

I used to be inspired by my thoughts. I thought maybe one day I can use these hard times to help others. Now I just think its all bullshit, I can't help myself or anyone else. I am started uni next semester to be a psychologist but I'm not even sure I should. I should just work this shit job for the rest of my life an die a miserable old prick. I used to think it didn't matter that I was weird, that I was different to other people. Now I'm just sick of it, I just want to be normal, want normal things. Instead I want to be alone, in my shit house smoking cigarettes, shooting opiates. The real estate told us today that the owner of our house doesn't know if he wants tenants here anymore. My oldest sister flew to Holland tonight, my mum flew to London last week and my other sister has been in London for 2 years now. I'm stuck here an if I have to leave this house I have no family to fall back on. They are all exploring the world while I'm to miserable to leave this shit town an my shit dead end job.

 

[CoffeeDrinker]

Man don't sweat it. There's a lot of that going round these parts. It's perfectly normal in this day and age. Just pretend you're dead already. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't stop yourself from breathing, mind you. Never do that, unless you really can't help it anymore, that is.
But just keep on, keepin' on, and put faith in no one but yourself. ESPECIALLY not doctors. They can fix an organ or two, or mend a tissue here and there (if the correct test has been struck upon, mind you), but matters of the soul are best left up to yourself and those who love you. Doctor's don't know shit about that, unless they happen to know shit about that, but they don't need to be a doctor.
Most of all: Keep on living!
Try to see things a different way, try to do things you haven't done before, except trying to die. Dying doesn't solve anything, and it just magnifies your pain a hundredfold to everyone who's ever loved you even a little bit.
But living, and experiencing, and showing appreciation for what you do have, instead of what you don't have, is where it's at my man.
Just try to smile for the sake of it. Literally sit there and make yourself smile. Curve your lips upward and sit there for a minute and think about how silly your forced smile looks, then maybe you'll laugh and a real smile'll come out.
Try that every day, if you can remember these words.
But most of all: Keep on Living!

 

[druggyjs]

your normal to us and your already in school so keep it up who cares what other people think you can say hey suck my dick when your a succesfull doctor or whatever you want to be.. i was just like you to same personality i mean like a friend said i can read you like a book it feels awsome when you can tell those people who downed on you that your succefull etc<snip-not relevant in TDS>its an awsome sense of accompishment <snip> ...i know i am going to be i just started school after dropping out and have a car and a job so im on the right path now but i still have those i hate my life days also. <not necessary>,

may not be the best advice but im super f'ed up so its the best i can do atm but if you do need someone to talk to i dont care who you are im a crazy wierd mofo to so i dont judge haha and im not even that good looking but idgaf i keep going on with these days no matter how slow no matter how much i want to hook a hose up to my tail pipe and feed it into my mouth untill blackness reaches me i go on! i look down my pants and see a not so big pair of balls and say im a man! haha maybe not so much just the high none serious me kicking in but on the real just talk to a druggie like me who had/has simialar issues im not going to say i know because i dont but i get the gist of it. and hey i could help when im sober iif i already didnt.

 

[Asclepius]

So I'm not sure what to write but venting on her usually makes me feel better. Today I went to the doctors to show him some chest ex-rays an whatever. I told him last time I was on Citalopram for a while an he said some come back an he will show me some exercise thing. So today I went back thinking third time lucky, maybe I'll finally get a doc that wants to help. He didn't even remember me an just told me about some thing he made up and shit. I've been to two other docs about depression an anxiety and no one seems to care. They just want to send me off to see a psychologist an I know I should do that but I just can't for some reason.

Glad your venting your grievances Tommy.
I agree that some Docters can seem uninterested in out struggles but perhaps this is why they are recommending a Psychologist.
Am guessing they are reluctant to prescribe you anything because there are concerns regarding your past use of meds or something-did he/she give a valid reason?
What do you think is the block that you have with seeing a Psychologist? It is ultimately your choice who you decide to get support from but it helps to know, to be able to explain to yourself, what is preventing you from exploring that option...

I used to be inspired by my thoughts. I thought maybe one day I can use these hard times to help others. Now I just think its all bullshit, I can't help myself or anyone else. I am started uni next semester to be a psychologist but I'm not even sure I should.

It seems like your really unsure of yourself Tommy, maybe you arent aware of whats going on with you and you need to challenge this.
You sound confused about: what you want, what you believe is achievable and who you are. Of course all these things are normal and I can identify alot with your attitude because I get like that too-alot, kinda stuck in not knowing what to do and what decisions to make feeling that either way am going to cock it up etc...
You really want to do the right thing but dont even know if that is what you want because changing things always involves risk and when our sense of self is barely holding together, the reality of moving on with the unknown is just plain frightening.

You can use the hard times to help yourself first, your intention sounds really noble and you seem like a genuinely nice guy who wants to make things right for those close to him but what about what you want/need. When do you start to address that and start to work at trying to trust yourself?

Being interested in Psychology and not wanting to see a psychologist yourself sounds like you are afraid of facing any insecurities you may have, maybe you are afraid of being honest with yourself?
Maybe you'd rather give up now than try and fail/be dissapointed?

I am only speculating but...I hope you dont sabotage chances/oppertunities for yourself just because of uncertainty. Remember frustration and anger pass and sometimes these are the very feeling's that help us see clearer what is going on for us and what our own Achilles' heal is about. Without knowing what our fears are we can never get passed them.
Take care of yourself.

 

[anterrabae]

I often feel like I wasn't meant for living life either, but at other times I truly enjoy it and sometimes in some cases rewarding.

Why do you want to stay at a shitty job and become an addicted hermit? In some cases the best way to get out of funks such as these, as much as you don't want to, is to get out there and DO something. Try volunteering somewhere that may make you feel like you are doing something in this life, whether it's helping people or animals. When you do acts that are selfless and receive rewarding feelings, your outlook on life changes and you don't feel so useless and depressed.

That's great that you want to study psychology. The fact that you have experienced depression gives you greater insight to patients that are trying to cope with their own. It's also okay if you choose not to study this field. You said it would be your first year, that gives you about two years to really discover what it is you want to do with your life.

I think what you need is a new perspective, a new outlook and to get outside of the house and do something new, something you haven't experienced. You might end up discovering something you truly enjoy. Opiates will make you happy in the short term, but you need something for the long term to make you content with your life.

Too miserable to explore the world? MAKE yourself. I went to Ireland a few years ago and it was incredibly refreshing.

 

[bubblefaith]

i cant remember if you said whether these emotional problems you are facing have been effecting you for your whole life or not? if its something more akin to a funk then there are certain things that have already been described as proactive activities that could bring about a sense of contentment, also psychologists are pretty good at solving these sorts of issues . for more of a "as far back as i can remember" type thing, just keep looking for a doctor that will get you on some meds that actually work. good luck getting anxiolytics from a GP if thats your only option for whatever reason.

 

[tommy34]

I think I started feeling like this in my early teens and progressively getting worse. I'm now 21 and I think I'm nearly at my breaking point. No Doctor wants to talk about me an what i think. They just want to tell me to see a shrink an leave. I'm out of options.

 

[bubblefaith]

shit if you haven't already tried it and you can actually remember a time in your life where you felt a sense of "normalcy" maybe a therapist is a good place to start.

 

[suessmayr]

You need to SEE A PSYCHIATRIST!! The doctors are not only doing the right thing by you but also the medically correct thing by referring you to a psychologist/psychiatrist; GP's don't know shit about mental health, it would be highly inappropriate and therapeutically destructive if they were to treat you.

S

 

[suessmayr]

No Doctor wants to talk about me an what i think. They just want to tell me to see a shrink an leave. I'm out of options.

That's a major copout; if you don't want to see a shrink that's your call, nobody elses. Doctors practise general medicine, not psychiatry. That's why every Western country has specifically put in place referral schemes - so that people like you are directed to the appropriate practitioners.

Don't think I'm not sympathetic; I fucken hate my life and I hate everyone in it, but I'm trying to help myself and that involves seeing a shrink. Shit maybe seeing two shrinks. And making better choices. As someone who is your age and opiate addicted and who has tried dozens of meds and seen many many shrinks, I can tell you that getting a good doctor is the first step.

S

 

[Dave]

I agree wholeheartedly with the above, but with one little caveat: see a psychologist before a psychiatrist. The former can do a lot to help without medication, but can also tell if you need medication as well/instead of psychological treatments. Psychiatrists, IME (and many others' as well), are little more than walking DSM-IV manuals and prescription pads. Their main goal is "diagnose, prescribe, next". Not all are like this, but enough are that it's a decent first approximation.

From what you're describing (and I'm by no means a doc-- just going by parallels with my own experience) I'd doubt that you'd benefit from medication in the long term. But first you have to overcome the stigma of 'seeing a shrink'. It's not easy; it took me the better part of a year to get past that hump myself. It is wholly necessary though. There's no reason to waste your life being miserable.

 

[suessmayr]

^ yep. And aside from the medical benefits that will follow for you upon consultation, it feels independently good almost always to be able to just talk to a shrink. I think this accounts for an extremely large part of their importance and efficacy; they facilitate catharsis, so to speak.

I don't think it's right however to conclude that psychologists are somehow less biased in the scope of their treatment than psychiatrists; it is true that most psychiatrists do little else than prescribe, but in like manner, psychologists treat people according to their own paradigms. And the fact that they practise psychology rather than psychiatry indicates their faith in their own methods, and I think it would be rare for a psychologist to say "I can't treat you, you need psychiatry". All practitioners will just treat you according to their discipline.

I see a psychiatrist who specialises in Psychotherapy; so he can do meds, but his 1st line is psychotherapy, CBT, DBT and so on. He's really fantastic. But then I live in Australia and it's free; whereas I understand that America is intensely medieval in its health laws.

S

 

[HeStoops2Conquer]

What I find helpful is reading others comments, and knowing that everyone has 'stuff' tormenting them, and for me, drawing from somewhere inside the ability to walk around the block, shut off the computer, open a window or make a call to a sympathetic ear keeps me here another day. And by no means is it easy.
I only wish I could stress how very much I empathize. I have often been there. My last tandem of psychologist/psychiatrist, I believe, thought prescribing Lexapro/Buspirone and the fact I was going on a 'romantic holiday' (the romance lived in another part of the country) was 'the cure'.
The holiday didn't turn out as I hoped, and it's been a year since I've seen either doctor. They didn't call me either, which is truly sad. I have two other friends, neither in the same situation i am, yet both were prescribed the same above meds. I joke that there must have been an article in 'Shrink Quarterly' touting that drug combo for gay men over 45. I no longer have health insurance, and while that has challenges attached, at the end of the day I have to trust my instinct and believe in myself. Again, this is not easy. Your posts have helped me tonight, and I thank you.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I think it would be rare for a psychologist to say "I can't treat you, you need psychiatry". All practitioners will just treat you according to their discipline.

On the contrary mate, I think it's more common than you might initially presume for any medical professional to know the limits of their expertise and pass a client on to someone else if they feel they're not getting anywhere or the patient's condition is out of their realm. A good doctor/therapist knows when to pass the buck
But I do get what you're saying otherwise.


tommy I'd like to reiterate what others have said in this thread, please don't give up just because your doctor is not interested in discussing your mental health. Please get a referral to a psychologist, and keep trying. Things WILL get better if you try

 

[Charleston_Car]

It sounds like you haven't had a real thrill in a while.

Save up some money, and go water skiing in Mexico.
Or go bungee jumping, go off road in a jeep, shit man, let a big spider crawl around on you, go on a brakeless bike down a steep hill,
<sorry man, I appreciate where you're coming from with your comments but this is kinda inappropriate for TDS - n3o>
Look I don't know I'm not good with this shit but sometimes when life seems bad just do something that seems bat fuck insane and get a big natural adrenaline rush and you might just forget about it for a while, no permanent solution of course but it certainly does help...

 

[Dave]

suessmayr-- IME (which is entirely limited, I know), psychologists will suggest seeing a prescribing practitioner if required, but psychiatrists will not ever admit that one's problem can't be solved by a pill. Obviously, there are going to be exceptions to this, but from what I've heard from people (both IRL and online) is that this observation is generally not untrue.

Psychologists do use their own sets of tools to treat illness, but the tools that they use a) attack the root cause rather than the symptoms (in the case of non-biological mental illness, of course; bipolar and schizophrenia are different) and b) tend to have few, if any, side effects. Psychiatrists do good work, but I don't think that they should be the first line of defence; rather, they should be the last-ditch, all else has failed option. IMO, of course

 

[n3ophy7e]

Psychiatrists do good work, but I don't think that they should be the first line of defence; rather, they should be the last-ditch, all else has failed option. IMO, of course

That is my opinion and experience as well.

 

[suessmayr]

I guess my case is unique in that my current psychiatrist is foremost a psychotherapist, so that his use of drugs is always sparing and usually reluctant.

Also the fact that I saw alot of psychologists when I was very ill who frankly just wasted my time has probably coloured my opinion somewhat. None of them suggested that they would be unable to help me.

S

 

[ColdNorth]

Doctors screw up a lot in that respect, I've walked out feeling angry and desperate as well when all my hopes have been resting on that visit without realizing it. Can't really blame them for not being able to care about everyone but they are ignoring medical facts when they ignore the power of placebo. Believing in the healer and the cure are powerful things. What he is suggesting is usually the opposite experience.

Talking to a psychologist can be liberating and I warmly recommend you give it a try. Not just anyone though, you want someone you can respect and be at ease with. IMO there's a personal element to it unlike with doctors. Experiment a little if you don't like the first one. An incompatible personality will always get in the way no matter how competent they are. Once you find a comfortable setup you will be able to vent your anger with someone to listen to you and no fear of alienating your audience.

I hope you find a prospect that motivates you to get past this. There always seem to be things that only other people can notice, obvious things that somehow get ignored repeatedly in introspection. Experts of the mind can help you stop ignoring them. I know even small steps feel infinitely far away when you're down and feeling powerless. It's hard to draw motivation when literally everything seems pointless but I really hope you try. I see a lot my own thoughts and situation in your post and wish you the best in finding out what lies beyond. I'll race you there when I find the road again. =)

 

[suessmayr]

^ this. It's called 'transferance' when a patient becomes averse to his practitioner, or equally when a practitioner becomes averse to his patient: they're only human after all.

Finding someone you respect personally and intellectually is key.

S