Can't get my Ex out of my head when I hadn't really cared before? Why?!

[KingBlueTwista]

Recently I broke up with my girlfriend of about a year and a half, due to our escalating arguing over trivialities and she says because of my apparent lack of consideration for others. She was brought up to put other people first and be courteous to the highest degree, whereas I wasn't really conditioned to automatically accomodate others and tbh have a pretty self-centric view of the world. Not in a narcissistic sense of 'I'm better than you' but in the nihilistic sense of 'nothing matters' and therefore I am defacto at the centre (as we all are in our own universe's). Initially this discrepancy in our personalities didn't matter to her because we had had mind-blowing connections in the intellectual department, sharing understanding, revelation and passion in every single conversation we ever had. We were mentally and physically entwined, in love and lust, to an intensity that is on reflection nothing short of soul-shattering.

However we grew apart and each time I noticed a distance growing between us, being the insecure fuck that I am I withdrew aswell as a kind of pathetically rudimentary defence mechanism. Sometimes it wasn't even because of anything related to us that she was distant (she was a pretty big stresshead). Over time she understandably grew even colder and we became estranged from one another. We no longer derived pleasure from each other's company and argued at the drop of a hat over the triviality of the day. I no longer appreciated her presence when I was with her, and I didn't really even think about her much anymore either. Yet now we've decided to break-up with each other I can't get her off of my mind. I feel her absence yet before I neglected to feel her presence. Why do our minds do this to us? Why do we get complacent in relationships when they start off so amazingly? Are most relationships contingent on the blindness of the partners to the other's flaws?

I feel like I'm spinning down a black-hole of thoughts about her, they cycle every moment of the day, just thoughts of her, but the craziest thing is I can picture her near me and it doesn't even make me smile?! Like I literally would be as indifferent to her as I was before if she was with me right now. Yet somehow there's this abstract concept of her that I hold on to, some faint amalgamation of fragments of our relationship, a ghostly collage of her that won't leave me alone. I hear myself saying I want her back. Yet I don't think I do. Perhaps I'm just afraid of loneliness. Perhaps time is all I need. But do you have any other suggestions for getting along and keeping up my lifestyle? All my daily structures, my martial arts, meditation, studying etc. have collapsed and my self-control has dissolved - I eat way too much and drink every night (previously being a tee-totaller, booze just blanks me out), along with the return of the constant desire to get high and be 'somewhere else'. Tbh I don't really know what the point of this was. A combination of getting this shit off my chest and a vague call for advice I guess.

 

[Lysis]

Oh KingblueTwista, I've had my moments of thinking about exes and did I make a mistake. BFs I threw away because I didn't trust them or whatnot, I now think of them and wonder if I made an error. I'm so tired and was about to go to bed before I came across this thread. I want to say more, but my head is so sleepy. I've been there before, and it is really hard to get it out of your head. The best stuff that worked for me was exercise and some kind of work whether it was school or work for money. Something that occupied my mind basically or something that was a goal for myself or something that helped me feel better about myself. I actually eat a lot less when I'm in that place, so I'm opposite to you there.

Got any good friends? Friends help so so so so much.

 

[Serotonin101]

Lately my ex has been on my mind as well. The relationship started off PERFECT. We had classes together in college and talked on smoke breaks, then thanksgiving I picked her up to hang out after I got off work and we had a night on the town. That was the first night I held her hand and eventually in my arms that evening. The night came, I snuck her into my house because she lives an hour away from me and she said she didn't mind sharing a bed with me, as we laid down, she put her head on my chest, I glanced down, she looked up with her beautiful smile and that was our first kiss. She was there for me thick and thin with our addictions, then I went off to treatment far from home and we started to grow distant, everynight when I called her she seemed to be less and less talkative, then she stopped saying she loved me, and we broke up. That was almost 4 months ago... I seem to be trying to fill that void by jumping from girl to girl looking for the companionship my ex gave me, nothing no one made me feel whole like she did. It seems she's always on my mind now, we were together for only 4 months but I fell head over heels for her. Recently we started chatting occasionally (on that god awful site failbook) and she's taking summer classes at the college down the road from my house, I'm gonna try to rekindle what we had as I'm clean now and so is she. My father really liked this girl in my life as she is very goal oriented and pursues what she wants. Her mother liked me as I'm well mannered, gentle, and kind, something her daughter never had in a guy. Everyday I wonder why I let us drift apart, but maybe it was for the better, maybe we needed to be apart early on in our recoveries to get our lives back in order (mine's still shit because I caught all the criminal charges). I actually just sent her a message five minutes ago and was thinking "why can't I seem to get her off my mind!?" and here I find your thread. It can be frustrating sometimes. I wish you the best my friend and know you're not the only one.

 

[Tude]

You got used to having her, and now that she's gone, you're at a loss. It's like the two kids that fight over a toy only after one of them took it first. Before that, the toy sat there ignored for weeks.

 

[rakeone]

when you feel like that, the best remedy is a brand new girl

 

[purplefirefly]

Is there a chance of reconciling the relationship? The breakup doesn't have to be permanent, especially if you recognize your part that caused the distance between the two of you. Can you talk about the issues and work together to resolve them? Maybe even just talking to her will help to bring you some closure if you're still having residual feelings.