Can't get high enough anymore!! Ruined!

[Come real or not a]

I am feeling so consumed by "the dark side" of addiction that I doubt if there is any hope. Drugs have been my life, my purpose, and my best friend since I was 15 years old. Drug have been there to turn too in good times and bad. Because of drugs I have totally destroyed my life. I've hurt everyone who loves me, and managed to loose myself too. Literally drugs are my identity. That's really the only thing I know is truly me, a drug addict. I have become so miserable inside that now drugs won't even bring me the satisfaction and comfort I desire. I feel like no matter what drug, even in large amounts can get me high enough. Yesterday I was so determined to get the high like I did the first time I used that I slammed way too much meth and over amplified my central nervous system (pretty much over dosed, just didn't die) and when I came too I felt even worse. I have sook help many many times but nothing seems to remove this obsession to use. When I was 18 I went to rehab for crack cocaine, then I went to rehab 5 more times for heroin and other opiates, tried methadone for a few years, and I just got out of rehab in September 2010 for crystal meth. Since then I graduated from smoking it to slamming it. I Have done the aa and na scene and tried my best to follow their suggestions but still I wind up loaded. I pray to God to lift this desires but still it's here. I first got high because it sounded fun, then I got high to chase that first feeling, now I'm just killing myself. Several months back I managed to put together 28 days clean. This was not Only the most clean time vie ever had it was the most uncomfortable scary time I think I've ever had. I swear EVERTHING was different to me. I felt so overwhelmed by this foreign feeling I relapsed. Does any one ever wonder how "normal/non addicts" actually get up early, go to work, and be productive with out putting some kind of drug in their system first. How the hell do the have the motivation or desire to get out of bed with out a morning fix of some sort? I've even sat in a NA meeting and pondered the idea that these people saying they have multiple years clean must be lying. It's that hard for me! I want freedom from this pain I just don't know how to get it. I don't want to continue to dig deeper searching for my bottom. I don't have it in me. I fear I will die. Why isn't the reality that I'm going to die soon if I don't stop enough? I'm disgusted with myself. Does anyone relate or am I just uniquely disturbed. Please help.

 

[megawoof]

i can totally relate to you my drug usage in last few months has been totally out of control and felt my options were dieing or getting sectioned but its a gd start that you can admit and understand you are in a hole dont just think all is lost .
strike now and get as much support and medical help you can and find options to release yourself of this cycle your in. its not worth giving up on yourself

 

[blahman8000]

I hear ya. It's difficult to imagine a life without some kind of crutch. Alcohol is my drug of choice, and the first couple of years were a blast. Now, even when I'm drunk, I hardly feel it at all. It's hard to even notice when I'm drunk. I just apparently behave differently and eventually black out. I don't get that euphoria at all anymore. So often times when I'm drunk, I sit there wondering why I consider this worthwhile anymore. It's not enjoyable, I still can't stand myself and I'm still plagued with depression, anxiety and obsessive thoughts.

We all know that it's not worth it. The longer we do it, the more problems build up because we avoid dealing with them. As the problems build up and return when we're sober, they because too much to handle, and we just resort to that drugs/booze. It's a vicious cycle.

I think it's just a matter of sobering up, toughing it out through the withdrawals and then finding some professional help to solve the issues that you're running from. That's the only way. Because the drugs aren't working anymore.

 

[Sweet P]

Yep, I totally relate. I'm a crystal meth addict of about 5 years and I've totally lost control. The drug has become my identity and the centre of my whole life. Because of meth I dropped out of university, got into big trouble with the law, stole from friends and family, and can't get a job or fit into society. I'm in drug counselling (which was court-ordered) but it hasn't been very helpful, and I've considered rehab but I'm not into the twelve step thing so I doubt it would work for me. Hang in there, stay strong, and keep trying... you're not alone.

 

[caltrain208]

I've been there. First one drug stopped doing the job, no matter how much I had, then no amount of any combination of drugs got me to the level of high I wanted. No matter what I tried, I just couldn't seem to recreate the original relief I got from drugs. I was finally able to get clean and learn how to be happy without drugs once I found myself in enough pain I would try anything to end the pain. I started going to AA and asked for help. In my experience, once I completed a fifth step with a sponsor, the obsession to use had been removed. I no longer lived with guilt and shame and I knew what I had to do to learn to enjoy life as others do. I can even be around drugs without even thinking of using! By being desperate enough to follow direction, I became able to stop fighting my addiction and follow direction. I have learned to live and enjoy life without drugs.

Many addicts are unable to stop using until they have completed a fifth step. I was absolutely miserable during the 15 days I was clean prior do doing a fifth step, constantly thinking of my next use, yet somehow I was able to stay clean. If you can't stop using, go to a meeting, find a sponsor, and explain your situation. They will understand. Staying clean is very difficult without a solution. I would recommend AA, because many AA sponsors will get you started on your forth step within a day, whether or not you're clean. The 12 steps can and will work so long as you are willing to believe the program works (other people are staying clean, that's evidence right there!), and are desperate enough to do the work necessary to stay clean. Hang in there, it has to get worse before it gets better.

Edit: I see you are in norcal, I would love to help you out however I can and will travel. I can't send PMs on BL yet, so shoot me a PM on reddit.com, my username is caltrain208 and I moderate the r/alcoholism subreddit.

 

[Sweet P]

^ Nice to hear a success story! Yeah, I definitely know how it feels to be constantly chasing the high... nothing can ever seem to match the very first hit. When I think rationally, I know methamphetamine is a waste of my time, money, and life. But I struggle to ignore the "addict" part of my brain. I've tried going to NA, but the twelve step system doesn't really fit with me, cos I don't (and can't) believe in a higher power. I've considered rehab as well, but all the rehab centres I've seen also use the same twelve step system.

 

[IntoxicatedDMMKM]

I am feeling so consumed by "the dark side" of addiction that I doubt if there is any hope. Drugs have been my life, my purpose, and my best friend since I was 15 years old. Drug have been there to turn too in good times and bad. Because of drugs I have totally destroyed my life. I've hurt everyone who loves me, and managed to loose myself too. Literally drugs are my identity. That's really the only thing I know is truly me, a drug addict. I have become so miserable inside that now drugs won't even bring me the satisfaction and comfort I desire. I feel like no matter what drug, even in large amounts can get me high enough. Yesterday I was so determined to get the high like I did the first time I used that I slammed way too much meth and over amplified my central nervous system (pretty much over dosed, just didn't die) and when I came too I felt even worse. I have sook help many many times but nothing seems to remove this obsession to use. When I was 18 I went to rehab for crack cocaine, then I went to rehab 5 more times for heroin and other opiates, tried methadone for a few years, and I just got out of rehab in September 2010 for crystal meth. Since then I graduated from smoking it to slamming it. I Have done the aa and na scene and tried my best to follow their suggestions but still I wind up loaded. I pray to God to lift this desires but still it's here. I first got high because it sounded fun, then I got high to chase that first feeling, now I'm just killing myself. Several months back I managed to put together 28 days clean. This was not Only the most clean time vie ever had it was the most uncomfortable scary time I think I've ever had. I swear EVERTHING was different to me. I felt so overwhelmed by this foreign feeling I relapsed. Does any one ever wonder how "normal/non addicts" actually get up early, go to work, and be productive with out putting some kind of drug in their system first. How the hell do the have the motivation or desire to get out of bed with out a morning fix of some sort? I've even sat in a NA meeting and pondered the idea that these people saying they have multiple years clean must be lying. It's that hard for me! I want freedom from this pain I just don't know how to get it. I don't want to continue to dig deeper searching for my bottom. I don't have it in me. I fear I will die. Why isn't the reality that I'm going to die soon if I don't stop enough? I'm disgusted with myself. Does anyone relate or am I just uniquely disturbed. Please help.

Well, there is a reason they say the live we lead is only for the young. It really doesn't last for long, but you can always switch your fix, reduce the amount of damage, addiction, and it would be more pleasurable, of course what I'm supposed to tell you on this section of the forum is too simply try to get sober right away. Find something besides drugs, which I mean the Health and Fitness is very closely related, you still must consume things in order to feel good, it just requires much more work.

 

[Bojangles69]

Well I can't speak on the behalf of success but I can definitely speak for faith.

To keep it short. When I was 17 I was a bright, fresh, ambitious teen with nothing but conquering the world on my mind. By the time I was 21 I was in prison with a crippling meth psychosis, getting fucked with by bloods everyday, suicide on my mind every waking minute, and then the actual attempt to kill myself both inside and once I got released from prison.

Thoughts of "I can never be like them", "I am damaged and will never be able to live life as evolution intended it to be". All those thoughts you are right now experiencing about work life, "the simple life", ambition and what not.

But guess what? If there is one thing that is constant in life, it is the fact that NOTHING is constant. Although your life feels on freeze now you are still adapting, changing, and learning things about yourself and what has meaning to you in life.

And ALL that it takes is one change of behavoir, stopping drugs, whether its force or voluntary, and some day that day will come for even the most stubborn of addicts.

I was sober I think for 2-3 years untill I realized normal life in itself, does eventually become reason enough to motivate you. I did convert from needing drugs to wake up, to needing life to wake up at one point.
The decision becomes something like "hmm, should I take all my hard earned money and spend it on a fix that is never permanent, ruin relationships, hurt people, becoming emotional and depressed, ruing my fucking life in general.."

OR

"Wake up, smile, go to work, shake a friends hand, tell a joke, sport another smile, ask someone how their day was, care how their day was, not be so wrapped in my own selfish problems, feel accomplished and grounded, tell my mom I love her, not live in regret, gain respect for myself, etc etc".

At a certain point with the power of your own mind, and a working of what a lot of addicts call faith, you become able to clearly see why the majority of people do not use drugs.

Simple. THEY RUIN YOUR FUCKING LIFE. Not to sound aggressive but clear.
No matter how many ways we twist it, explain to me how exactly you plan on selling your life to another person? How would you package it so they don't see the glaring reality of savage devastation? I know it looks a certain way to you right now, but the drug lifestyle isn't better, isn't more fun, its torture for a lot of people every waking day.

Humans evolutionary prefer pleasure to pain. My point being, its not always as hard as you think right now to choose a good clean healthy life in the future. Things do change, and as much as you can't imagine not waking up to get high, you are already choosing the more difficult life. Therefore, you already have the power to live an easier, clean life. The hard part is staying clean long enough to reach your own personal revelations.

 

[Come real or not a]

Thank you all. I am on my way to the airport leaving for rehab. I'm leaving northern Cali to go all the way to Minnesota to a in patient treatment center for at least 30 days. Bluelight walked me through so much pain this past 2 weeks so thank you! I wont have access to a computer after this evening so I'll update my progress when I can. I'm beyond scared, have anxiety through the roof. I haven't slammed in over 2days. I've been using in safer methods because I got cellulitis on my arm and enough is enough. I will be havin a couple drinks on the plane obviously. It's a given that you tie one on good before you go to treatment right? Lol. Anyways good luck to everyone and be safe. Drugs are no joke, I have mad respect for the disease of addiction!!!

 

[idonteven]

you know that funny feeling you first got when you first got high, i try to think of being sober as that funny feeling and try and embrace it.

and of course I think about slamming some H every couple days and smoking meth, but I know I want to have a super bitchy hot girlfriend, and I got to be buff and clear headed and H and meth do allow the body to get buff.