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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Cant decide whehter i want to take drugs again or not and its really pissing me off

H

Harambulus

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
624
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In the flow state
This constant question in my mind is really pissing me off.

last time i had a bad comedown i was like never ever ever again and shitscared off them- this had happeend a few times now but still after a few months the weight of the world becomes such a burden on my sobriety- when being sober every day becomes a total misery as well i start wondering what the point of being sober is after all. havent taken any for six months but every single fucking day im thinking about taking them. its annoying.

i want to try another experiment with a lower dose this time.

its not that i was an out of control addict before, quite the opposite. i would take drugs (just the odd stim and only on one evening) a cpl times a year and not want to take them for a long time after that. this is the main reason why ive questioened whehter to knock them on the head compeltely. well that and the bad comedowns and thinking of my long term health. thing with the comedowns tho is i was deliberately making them bad for myself by not taking vitamins and supplement to 'punish' myself at the time hoping it would make me repent and not want to take them agian but that didnt work as i still have the itch.

without those little vacations of the mind as an escape from the constant toil of the rat-race i find life soooo fucking boring with nothing to look forward to. wake work, eat, sleep. tbh eating food is the only thing i marginally enjoy which is really sad. ive considered antidepresants but then i think thats even worse because you take some drug indefinitely and have lots of sdie effects to lookthe odd now and then rather than anti-ds cos recreational drugs you just take them of a night and they are out the system and your soul is cleansed for a good while after that.

im not saying life will always be like this but i dont see any break in the clouds in the meantime and the burden seems to get more and more close to unbearable.

last time i swore off drugs i said 'i dont need that stuff only real life for me im gonna be a good citizen' but it has never worked out like that. all my goals keep getting thwarted time and time again such that i seem to never get rewarded fro my efforts. im not whining aobut that, i know thats just how life is, thats fine and all if there were some break from this cruel torment but now without drugs life feels soo fuckign shit. im not really into anything else except for working, and well work is work unless im doing well at it, which i havent been.

every single day probably several hours are spend playing stupid mindgames with myself 'should i take drugs after i said i wouldnt agian, or should i remain in indefinite misery at this boring existence' and on and on day after day.

seems dead 50/50 down the middle. dunno how to resolve it but its pissing me off cos it wastes so much time every day agonising over it.

In one sense i wonder if i would feel like i 'failed' and i would have 'relapsed' since i read all that addiction jargon after my last bout. still tho the thought of having to be sober for the rest of my life is a chilling thought experiment indeed.
 
I'm no doctor.

But i think I'm gonna go ahead and diagnose you with depression.

Stim comedowns are hard when you already feel like shit.

Find a different DOC or better your life more constructively.
 
i would certainly diagnose myself with it too. :P but its what to do to get out of the funk.

i passed all the criteria pretty much with flying colours of the whatever they call it psychological dsm diagnosis.

its irrelevant in terms of getting treatment tho cos i dont wanna take antidepressansts and be some 1 flew over the cookoos nest zombie and the waiting list for therapy is 6 months so pointless thinking about those options really.

the question for me is still to drug or not to drug ie self medicate.
 
I went through the same thing, and let me tell you from experience, that self-medicating might be one of the worst things you can do. First off, it gets you hooked onto whatever drug you are looking to self medicate with, and you do not have a prescription for more. So your basically guaranteed to withdraw and feel like shit. I started taking benzos to self medicate. Plus, you are just covering up your issue, but no offense, just making a thread like this I can bet that your already made your decision in your mind to self-medicate, and just want a couple of people to "OK" it
 
what else would you suggest?

i too have considered what you said that self medicating with some rare rc is a bad idea due to its scarcity which is why id been considering anti depressants would be better idea maybe since you have doc's support and a steady supply. but sitll the drawbacks of a taking a drug indefinately, so each has its drawbacks.

the supply issue isnt so much a prob cos like i said i never take drugs regularly anyhow, just a cpl times a year. just something to give me the odd breath of fresh air.
 
Don't attempt to self-diagnose, that type of speculation often causes more problems than it solves.

I'm going to move this over to TDS, and wish you the best of luck in making the right decision.


OD ---> TDS
 
i dont see how using a stim a few times a year is a cure for depression. I don't even really know what the issue is, you're sober for 12 months of the year but use stims 3 times a year? I'm pretty sure many people get shitfaced drunk every weekend and no one considers them to be addicts or have any problem at all. Either way, stims aren't going to be your thing if you're depressed, you'll feel worse afterwards. Why do you feel depressed? what comes to mind when you ask yourself that question?

self-medication is an all or nothing thing, it will be an every day thing in no time then you'll have to deal with all the issues surrounding that. Using a stim 3 times a year isn't self medication, i use stims far more than that and don't have issues with them, i don't understand how that would help anything. The fact that you are thinking this hard about using a stimulant infrequently shows that there are far deeper issues than drug use here.
 
well having fun a couple if times a year reminds me that life can be fun thats why it would help in my mind, but as youve mentioned in the past it just made my depression worse which is why i said to myself i have to deal with my depression before taking drugs again yet here i am again still depressed and wanting drugs.

antidepressants only do the same thing after all. recreational drugs just do it in a more acute sense.

the question is whether i could minimize the comedown to manageable levels with the correct stack on the descent. at the moment the thought of taking drugs only boosts my stress levels worrying about what could go wrong but i do that about nearly everything. i just pine for a nice flood of dopamine as it gives me some beautiful clarity and calmness and unfortunately life doesnt wanna put out.
 
If according to you antidepressants do the same thing for you, why are you so opposed to taking them?

Because you'll be "some 1 flew over the cookoos nest zombie" (pretty silly statement) or because you have to wait 6 months (which I dont even get why anyway)?

I promise only benzos make you a zombie.
 
If your going to medicate non-stop Cannabis is the only wise option IMO if that even helps you idk.
 
I'd say the fact that you spend so much time thinking about drugs indicates a deeper issue. True casual users don't do that. Most casual users I know are pretty happy with their lives and enjoy getting high occasionally in and of itself (in the same way you might enjoy adrenaline rush activities every now and then but wouldn't want to do them every day). I think that if you compare basic contentment with the intensity of a drug-induced high you're setting an unsustainable standard for happiness.

Antidepressants shouldn't "do the same thing" as recreational drugs. They should make you more able to cope while you address the underlying issues which are causing your unhappiness. In and of themselves they are not going to make you happy - they're just a tool. You're still the one who has to put the work into changing your life so that it brings you more of the things you want and enjoy and less of the things you don't.

I'd recommend seeing a mental health professional. Maybe depression is your problem and maybe it isn't. If it is, you may or may not need medication but you'll certainly need some kind of guidance about how you can change your life. It's the job of a psychologist to help you identify why you're not enjoying life and to teach you strategies for making your life more enjoyable - but you're the one who has to put those strategies into action.
 
its not so much i agonise over only drugs i do this with everything in my life, sort of like a compulsive thinker- i took philosophy for my degree so i spose that has only exasperated it but i was bent on that kind of thinking before- always analysing things to their logical conclusions.

As I said there is a 6 month waiting list for seeing a counsellor where i live so as good as pointless.

I like the way you mention antidepressants lolle, paints them in a better light. its just i was afraid of adopting this unending crutch and the long wait period also seems stupid in that when in the vice of depression one requires instant relief strategies.

Anyhow im finding small doses of 5-htp to be very good for me. Alot more 'natural feeling' than anti depressants and it only takes tiny amounts for me to see benefits.

I agree using drugs to aid depression is a bad idea i am going to focus on anto depressant strategies of my own then once i find some to be working i might feel more prepared to give drugs another try.
 
I also like the analogy of how taking drugs could be likened to how other ppl might do adrenaline sports. Id actually had similar thoughts myself how it might be like going on a 'real life' trip. in that in both cases you wouldnt want to do them all the time.

Likewise even with hiking if you didnt prepare for your trip you could end up in trouble. Also if you decided to go hiking all the time and neglect your day to day life then that would also fuck you up. So drugs could be seen as the same.

Now this doesnt mean they are exactly equal because you have the health factor to take into account with drugs whereas hiking or somehting could be seen as more healthy but that is for another line of reasoning.
 
'i dont need that stuff only real life for me im gonna be a good citizen'
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I think you have issues with the way you view drug use. You have been brainwashed by government and society into thinking drug use is 'bad' and makes you a bad person. Well if that's the case then Barack Obama should be known as Barry the drug criminal because he was one bust away from this life. Drug use in edemic in wall street, in congress and pretty much any other area of life. In fact, rich people probably use more drugs than people lower down the socioeconomic ladder so don't tell yourself you're a 'bad citizen' just because you choose to chemically alter your consciousness occasionally.

Use drugs that are safer and you'll probably be fine.
 
lol i was being facetious when i said that. the main reasons are fear of it corroding my other important aspects of life like making money and getting pussy. (neither of which i have in good supply /forever alone) and my health.
 
Harambulus said:
I like the way you mention antidepressants lolle, paints them in a better light. its just i was afraid of adopting this unending crutch and the long wait period also seems stupid in that when in the vice of depression one requires instant relief strategies.
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Most people don't need to take anti-depressants for life. It's the hallmark of a bad doctor if the need to continue them is not reviewed periodically but many people only need to take them for between 6 months and two years - during that time the depression will either lift by itself or the patient will learn coping strategies which diminish depression.

Yeah, it's a pain if you have to wait for psychological intervention. Even though many people benefit most from therapy once they're stabilised with medication, because antidepressants take a while to become effective it's often beneficial to have frequent sessions with a psychologist while you're waiting for the full effect of antidepressants to kick in. CBT is a good means of providing some quick relief and helps keep people engaged with psychological help one the meds do kick in.

It's probably worth seeing if there are any group sessions available in your area while you're waiting for an individual appointment with a psychologist (forget seeing a counsellor at this point - you need a proper assessment done of you mental health issues first and then it can be decided what type of mental health professional is appropriate on an ongoing basis).
 
Harambulus said:
lol i was being facetious when i said that. the main reasons are fear of it corroding my other important aspects of life like making money and getting pussy. (neither of which i have in good supply /forever alone) and my health.
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shit with the right drugs you could make lots of money and in turn get lots of pussy. It's good to maintain some sort of balance though, you don't want to get stimmed every day but fuck once every 3 months, why not? If that's what makes you happy then what's the harm unless you go on a 6 month binge or something. You could also try taking a vacation/experience other culture or something like that.
 
When it comes to drugs, not being sure = no. If you don't feel 100% positive about doing it then some part of you doesn't really want it.

It sounds like you're turning to drugs to medicate a pre-existing problem. That kind of approach is only going to have short-term gains and long-term consequences, especially when it comes to stimulants.

If I were you, I would consider real therapy and some soul searching into the root of your boredom/depression before turning to drugs. They are not the answer and will just temporarily mask a problem until the problem itself gets bigger and bigger and causes you to spiral. At that point you would be dealing with comedowns from drugs on top of the original problem. You can't run forever.

On the other hand, some people find that low level doses of certain drugs can ease the tension while they are doing the real therapeutic work, but honestly it doesn't sound like you have that much self-control so I would just try to stay clean.
 
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