Panic Attack from Hell
Although this is more of a report from the side-effect of a drug, i was mildly under the influence of marijuana at the time and believe it fits in with the guidelines. If not, as long as I have written this down I feel better for it
In 3 years of drug-taking, this is by far the most intense and fucked-up experience - true fear. Some of it will sound exaggerated or bullshit, but everything i write here is exactly what happened.
It was last summer - the end of august. My friend had bought some mitsubishi pills which he claimed were "pretty srong". I only intended to take one to keep me awake, but when that beast kicked in so strongly it ended up as 4. The most craziest night of my life, I do not believe it is possible to enjoy ecstasy anymore than i did then.
After the night had ended, i said to a friend "that can't be good for your head". When i fell asleep at about 11am the next day, I had a disturbing dream. In that dream, I was sitting behind my computer in my bedroom messing around, then suddenly i was feeling odd... i tried to ignore this feeling and carry on what i was doing, but then everything started going wrong... i tried to get up, and stumble towards help... but i couldn't make it, and collapsed...and as i was about to die in the dream, i woke up immediately very freaked out. I wondered if this was some sort of preminition, it all felt dangerously real.
For the next week i had an
agonizing come-down, and didn't feel quite right... but sure enough i got over it
1 after that night, i did eat marijauna in the afternoon - whether this re-occuring high hours later sparked off the panic attack, or made it more surreal i am not sure of. About 3/4 hours after consumption, i was behind the computer and my dream started happening for real... scared as shit i RAN to the bathroom - rather than trying to ignore the feeling like i did in my dream. My heart was pounding extremely hard and i was short of breath.. but the effects subsided shortly.
it's worth noting that at this point in time i had never before had a panic attack before - i didn't even know what one was! As far as i was aware i could have been near death.
5 minutes later and this confused, dizzy feeling returned so i went outside to "sit it out", however it got more and more intense and i began to get so scared - not only because i didn't know what was happening to me, but my brain was chemically forcing me to panic due to the obvious serotonin restoration.
As more time passed, the panic attack just grew stronger and i became more desperate. I am not a religious person, but i said a small prayer to whatever may exist as i was truely scared. It didn't work; the panic attack just got twice as bad. (stupid God
)I couldn't feel my hands or feet, my stomach was hurting and my mouth was extremely dry - but i was too scared to drink water incase it reacted badly in some way i was ignorant too. I couldn't breathe properly, i had a sharp pain in my chest, my pulse was stupidly fast. My eyes were rolling in fast circles, and sometimes i couldn't break these circles... the sensation made me feel sleepy (possibly the weed tiredness?) and this scared me - i felt that if i fell asleep or switched off for a moment i would fall unconscious and then die - I truely felt at this point i was fighting for my life.
30/40 minutes later and i was seriously tempted to call an ambulance...but i decided as i had withstood it for 40 minutes, had it have been fatal i would have been dead earlier.
My mind was working so fast, i was constantly thinking what could have been wrong and what to do... but i really had no idea, it just felt like my whole body was fucking up.
One hour later an i felt dangerously feint, as well as extremely tired from all the panicking... but i was way to scared to sit down and risk falling out of consciousness, i started to walk in circles chanting some stupid words like "i will not resent"...it sounds daft now, and doesn't make much sense... but at the time i truely was desperate, and just chanting anything seemed to keep me more alert. I would like to have called a friend for help, but i didn't feel capable of operating a phone and was scared in the process i would feint and die.
Nearly 2 hours later, and i was still just as bad and began to get extremely frustrated and wondered if whatever was happening, would ever actually pass. I started kicking the wall in frustration, and cursing God for not helping me at all in my one moment of desperation. Tried sitting down, but that didn't work.. my head just kept spinning and made me feel totally nausous. I just didn't know what to do and was nearly in tears.. calling an ambulance seemed more and more tempting.
Another hour later and the effects slowly started to subside... I just sat down on the stairs, and gradually started feel calm. Now, it was at this point when the most fucked up thing happened... as i sat there, feeling quite calm yet surreal (again, this could have been the weed i ate earlier) a voice said to me "Now that you are dead, what have you learnt from life?". I was confused... the voice proceeded to say "What are your golden memories?"... it was then i realized that at some point i must have died. "Shiiiiiiiiiiit" i said to myself", "how could this happen" "im too young to die" etc... as the voice continued to talk, i realized that in my existance in life i haven't really done much, not left any lasting impressions... it was only in this perspective i could see my life for what it was.
Moments later, this voice had turned into a Television theme... and it was then i realized that it was infact the TELEVISION. The voice was some advert for a program... i changed the channel, and on the next program they were talking about death. I was so confused, i couldn't figure out if i was dead or alive... and what relevence the television had to it.......i switched the TV off.
As i went to bed, i pretty much concluded that i was proabbly alive.. but urgh! what are the chances of a TV advert saying all that stuff while i was in that state??? crazy..
After the panic attack i was fine, but really stupidly i took another pill 2 weeks later... the next panic attacked transcended into horrible anxiety that lasted for weeks... i am fine now however.
So thats my story, sorry it's long...but i just had to write it down.
Although this is more of a report from the side-effect of a drug, i was mildly under the influence of marijuana at the time and believe it fits in with the guidelines. If not, as long as I have written this down I feel better for it
In 3 years of drug-taking, this is by far the most intense and fucked-up experience - true fear. Some of it will sound exaggerated or bullshit, but everything i write here is exactly what happened.
It was last summer - the end of august. My friend had bought some mitsubishi pills which he claimed were "pretty srong". I only intended to take one to keep me awake, but when that beast kicked in so strongly it ended up as 4. The most craziest night of my life, I do not believe it is possible to enjoy ecstasy anymore than i did then.
After the night had ended, i said to a friend "that can't be good for your head". When i fell asleep at about 11am the next day, I had a disturbing dream. In that dream, I was sitting behind my computer in my bedroom messing around, then suddenly i was feeling odd... i tried to ignore this feeling and carry on what i was doing, but then everything started going wrong... i tried to get up, and stumble towards help... but i couldn't make it, and collapsed...and as i was about to die in the dream, i woke up immediately very freaked out. I wondered if this was some sort of preminition, it all felt dangerously real.
For the next week i had an
agonizing come-down, and didn't feel quite right... but sure enough i got over it
1 after that night, i did eat marijauna in the afternoon - whether this re-occuring high hours later sparked off the panic attack, or made it more surreal i am not sure of. About 3/4 hours after consumption, i was behind the computer and my dream started happening for real... scared as shit i RAN to the bathroom - rather than trying to ignore the feeling like i did in my dream. My heart was pounding extremely hard and i was short of breath.. but the effects subsided shortly.
it's worth noting that at this point in time i had never before had a panic attack before - i didn't even know what one was! As far as i was aware i could have been near death.
5 minutes later and this confused, dizzy feeling returned so i went outside to "sit it out", however it got more and more intense and i began to get so scared - not only because i didn't know what was happening to me, but my brain was chemically forcing me to panic due to the obvious serotonin restoration.
As more time passed, the panic attack just grew stronger and i became more desperate. I am not a religious person, but i said a small prayer to whatever may exist as i was truely scared. It didn't work; the panic attack just got twice as bad. (stupid God
)I couldn't feel my hands or feet, my stomach was hurting and my mouth was extremely dry - but i was too scared to drink water incase it reacted badly in some way i was ignorant too. I couldn't breathe properly, i had a sharp pain in my chest, my pulse was stupidly fast. My eyes were rolling in fast circles, and sometimes i couldn't break these circles... the sensation made me feel sleepy (possibly the weed tiredness?) and this scared me - i felt that if i fell asleep or switched off for a moment i would fall unconscious and then die - I truely felt at this point i was fighting for my life.30/40 minutes later and i was seriously tempted to call an ambulance...but i decided as i had withstood it for 40 minutes, had it have been fatal i would have been dead earlier.
My mind was working so fast, i was constantly thinking what could have been wrong and what to do... but i really had no idea, it just felt like my whole body was fucking up.
One hour later an i felt dangerously feint, as well as extremely tired from all the panicking... but i was way to scared to sit down and risk falling out of consciousness, i started to walk in circles chanting some stupid words like "i will not resent"...it sounds daft now, and doesn't make much sense... but at the time i truely was desperate, and just chanting anything seemed to keep me more alert. I would like to have called a friend for help, but i didn't feel capable of operating a phone and was scared in the process i would feint and die.
Nearly 2 hours later, and i was still just as bad and began to get extremely frustrated and wondered if whatever was happening, would ever actually pass. I started kicking the wall in frustration, and cursing God for not helping me at all in my one moment of desperation. Tried sitting down, but that didn't work.. my head just kept spinning and made me feel totally nausous. I just didn't know what to do and was nearly in tears.. calling an ambulance seemed more and more tempting.
Another hour later and the effects slowly started to subside... I just sat down on the stairs, and gradually started feel calm. Now, it was at this point when the most fucked up thing happened... as i sat there, feeling quite calm yet surreal (again, this could have been the weed i ate earlier) a voice said to me "Now that you are dead, what have you learnt from life?". I was confused... the voice proceeded to say "What are your golden memories?"... it was then i realized that at some point i must have died. "Shiiiiiiiiiiit" i said to myself", "how could this happen" "im too young to die" etc... as the voice continued to talk, i realized that in my existance in life i haven't really done much, not left any lasting impressions... it was only in this perspective i could see my life for what it was.
Moments later, this voice had turned into a Television theme... and it was then i realized that it was infact the TELEVISION. The voice was some advert for a program... i changed the channel, and on the next program they were talking about death. I was so confused, i couldn't figure out if i was dead or alive... and what relevence the television had to it.......i switched the TV off.
As i went to bed, i pretty much concluded that i was proabbly alive.. but urgh! what are the chances of a TV advert saying all that stuff while i was in that state??? crazy..
After the panic attack i was fine, but really stupidly i took another pill 2 weeks later... the next panic attacked transcended into horrible anxiety that lasted for weeks... i am fine now however.
So thats my story, sorry it's long...but i just had to write it down.
Get better, and don't do any more Ectasy.
