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Can someone help me understand my mothers depression ?
- Thread starter jake99
- Start date
kytnism
Bluelight Crew
jake, it is absolutely heart breaking to see someone you love, especially a parent suffer from mental illness/depression.
believe it or not, the description you gave of your mothers behaviour is very textbook and normal for someone in her position. it sounds to me as though she is grieving and mourning great loss. loss of her former lifestyle, her husband, her identity and everything she ever worked hard for.
sadly there is no time frame that anyone can offer, or fast track a solution to her overcoming the grief/depression; once she is sick and tired of the sadness and has played the situation over and over in her mind until the negative feelings are replaced by desensitisation; only then (without therapy or medical intervention) can she truly assess her situation and want to make changes for herself and those she loves.
also jake, you cannot feel responsible nor guilty for your mothers situation. mental illness is just that, an illness (like any other); and im positive that she wouldnt be in her situation if she had control over her mental state.
punishing yourself is not going to make it go away. you are doing a fantastic thing by visiting and supporting her; and if you want to discuss how it is affecting you, and makes you feel; as much as it would pain her to know; it can be effective in bringing your relationship back to a parent/”child” status; where you deserve it to be.
best wishes
...kytnism...
believe it or not, the description you gave of your mothers behaviour is very textbook and normal for someone in her position. it sounds to me as though she is grieving and mourning great loss. loss of her former lifestyle, her husband, her identity and everything she ever worked hard for.
sadly there is no time frame that anyone can offer, or fast track a solution to her overcoming the grief/depression; once she is sick and tired of the sadness and has played the situation over and over in her mind until the negative feelings are replaced by desensitisation; only then (without therapy or medical intervention) can she truly assess her situation and want to make changes for herself and those she loves.
also jake, you cannot feel responsible nor guilty for your mothers situation. mental illness is just that, an illness (like any other); and im positive that she wouldnt be in her situation if she had control over her mental state.
punishing yourself is not going to make it go away. you are doing a fantastic thing by visiting and supporting her; and if you want to discuss how it is affecting you, and makes you feel; as much as it would pain her to know; it can be effective in bringing your relationship back to a parent/”child” status; where you deserve it to be.
best wishes
...kytnism...
kytnism
Bluelight Crew
what part of your families breakdown was YOUR doing?
jake, its extremely hard to accept; and shake the binds that make up our foundations; but at some point we all as adults have to accept what happened in the past, and acknowledge that yes it laid a foundation for our future; but didn’t pave it.
you as a 29 year old man need to determine what is best for YOU and what you want out of life, and take the necessary steps to accomplish this. you cannot heal the parts or people involved in your family situation; all you can do is focus on yourself and heal that.
its not selfish to do so. if your mother or father could heal themselves and move forward with happiness, they would; and im sure are trying to accomplish that each and every day. noone wants to be in a situation of despair, and while its perfectly permissible to damn the past for how you feel; how are you going to let that affect you TODAY, TOMORROW and in the future?
...kytnism...
jake, its extremely hard to accept; and shake the binds that make up our foundations; but at some point we all as adults have to accept what happened in the past, and acknowledge that yes it laid a foundation for our future; but didn’t pave it.
you as a 29 year old man need to determine what is best for YOU and what you want out of life, and take the necessary steps to accomplish this. you cannot heal the parts or people involved in your family situation; all you can do is focus on yourself and heal that.
its not selfish to do so. if your mother or father could heal themselves and move forward with happiness, they would; and im sure are trying to accomplish that each and every day. noone wants to be in a situation of despair, and while its perfectly permissible to damn the past for how you feel; how are you going to let that affect you TODAY, TOMORROW and in the future?
...kytnism...
I would be as compassionate as possible and supportive. How does she feel talking about her depression? Is she open about it?
I suffer from pretty bad manic bouts ... my mom will bring me food over... fresh clothes... fresh tooth brushes etc. etc. (also she brings me SAM-e and 5htp; but i don't think that's the issue here)
It sounds like very classic depression and your mom needs to respond to your support before you risk getting unsuccesfully over-involved ...
Sounds likie she just needs someone to listen to her tell her stories.. and gain some self esteem.... maybe anti-depressants wouldn't be a bad idea... support groups?
just be supportive and compassionate.
I suffer from pretty bad manic bouts ... my mom will bring me food over... fresh clothes... fresh tooth brushes etc. etc. (also she brings me SAM-e and 5htp; but i don't think that's the issue here)
It sounds like very classic depression and your mom needs to respond to your support before you risk getting unsuccesfully over-involved ...
Sounds likie she just needs someone to listen to her tell her stories.. and gain some self esteem.... maybe anti-depressants wouldn't be a bad idea... support groups?
just be supportive and compassionate.
Bojangles69
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 20, 2009
- Messages
- 1,758
Lets not forget that in a way everyone is responsbile. That whole "feedback" loop and what not.
I notice that during every one of my drug addictions, the longer I stayed addicted, the worst my mothers anxiety and depression would get. My moms depression actually lifted when I caught my 7 year sentence. This is because that first year I was more stable, grounded, and ambitious to get clean than I had ever been in my whole life. She picked up on the energy and rather than my bid bring her down, it actually made her a much stronger and happier person.
When I got released and was clean for 5 years her mental health was great, she was loving life. She's very emotionally attached to her children and its crazy how my actions effect her so profoundly.
Well this current time I've been addicted for 2-3 years now, this is the only time I haven't told her whats going on... but its STILL affecting her. Its like her mind doesn't know it consciously, but she can still sense it, and now once again my addiction is bringing her down. She's pesimistic all the time, negative, angry, bitter, I really believe she blames herself for me being the way I am. We fight more than ever now, and its stranger how I know if I told her I was using and wanted to go to rehab, that she'd likely get happy again. Its the not knowing and worrying that gets to her. Sometimes I think she's crazy, but the reality is shes "too good" of a mother. When her children are sick and doing bad, shes sick and doing bad.
The only reason I right this is because imagine if you weren't a drug addict. Imagine if you had your own family, house, wife, and had a successful career. Something tells me that would rub off on your mom in a good way and at least give her a little boost in life to be proud of what she brought into this world.
People say "you are your own person", but people also forget that we are ALL connected. Our energies spin off into other peoples lives, get fed back to us, sent out to other people we interact with. Life is really nothing but a cycle of good and bad energies going back and forth imo. What we do DOES effect other people. And what other people do CAN and DOES effect us. It takes a very very strong person to not let family issues like that effect them. All I can say though is look out for yourself, try to get clean, and let that positive energy rub off on your mother.
I notice that during every one of my drug addictions, the longer I stayed addicted, the worst my mothers anxiety and depression would get. My moms depression actually lifted when I caught my 7 year sentence. This is because that first year I was more stable, grounded, and ambitious to get clean than I had ever been in my whole life. She picked up on the energy and rather than my bid bring her down, it actually made her a much stronger and happier person.
When I got released and was clean for 5 years her mental health was great, she was loving life. She's very emotionally attached to her children and its crazy how my actions effect her so profoundly.
Well this current time I've been addicted for 2-3 years now, this is the only time I haven't told her whats going on... but its STILL affecting her. Its like her mind doesn't know it consciously, but she can still sense it, and now once again my addiction is bringing her down. She's pesimistic all the time, negative, angry, bitter, I really believe she blames herself for me being the way I am. We fight more than ever now, and its stranger how I know if I told her I was using and wanted to go to rehab, that she'd likely get happy again. Its the not knowing and worrying that gets to her. Sometimes I think she's crazy, but the reality is shes "too good" of a mother. When her children are sick and doing bad, shes sick and doing bad.
The only reason I right this is because imagine if you weren't a drug addict. Imagine if you had your own family, house, wife, and had a successful career. Something tells me that would rub off on your mom in a good way and at least give her a little boost in life to be proud of what she brought into this world.
People say "you are your own person", but people also forget that we are ALL connected. Our energies spin off into other peoples lives, get fed back to us, sent out to other people we interact with. Life is really nothing but a cycle of good and bad energies going back and forth imo. What we do DOES effect other people. And what other people do CAN and DOES effect us. It takes a very very strong person to not let family issues like that effect them. All I can say though is look out for yourself, try to get clean, and let that positive energy rub off on your mother.
thanks bo , you know you really should be a therapist. you know some deep sh*T
i dont know if this means anything but my sister is very successful and although she doesnt see my mom much she still calls and tells her whats up .............but it doesnt seem that it doesnt seem to motivate my mom because my sister is doing well ,and as far as me i know my mom feels better when im aruond visiting , and she wants me to get a job and be happy but as far as addiction i think if i told her abuot the using it would really worry and put her in an even worse mental state.......i dont know
i dont know if this means anything but my sister is very successful and although she doesnt see my mom much she still calls and tells her whats up .............but it doesnt seem that it doesnt seem to motivate my mom because my sister is doing well ,and as far as me i know my mom feels better when im aruond visiting , and she wants me to get a job and be happy but as far as addiction i think if i told her abuot the using it would really worry and put her in an even worse mental state.......i dont know