CarolinaStrong
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2022
- Messages
- 12
Hi all,
I’m new here I’ve been using Bluelight for the past few years though. I’m 23. So without getting too much into my history, but I will divulge some key facts. I was put in foster care at 8 years old. My single mother was a heroin addict who died of an overdose and none of my other “family” was willing to take me in. I spent 3 years in foster care before being adopted. It was a miracle I got adopted when I did because I was starting to fall in with quite the wrong crowd after some terrible things happened to me. But my adopted family saved me, they were the nicest, kindest people I’ve ever met.
They got me into therapy right away, and my life got better. I got better. The psychiatrist had me on a low dose of xanax, which seemed to be helping, and my life was good. Years past and my childhood traumas seemed to have been left in the past.. life was finally treating me right. Until it didn’t.
When I was 18, it was my senior year of high school with about a month left before I graduated. I was so thankful for my adoptive parents and they were so proud of me. I remember it like yesterday I had just gotten my graduation gown and I showed it to my parents, they were thrilled. They told me they were leaving for dinner and they would be back later, it was a normal thing. Well they never came back. They died a drunk driver hit them head on and if they didn’t die instantly on impact there car burst into flames. It was the worst day of my life. My entire world crumbled just like it did when I was 8 years old.
Sorry I’m trying to not write a book I just have a lot to talk about. I went back to my therapist I had seen years before, I was a mess I was crying 20-30 times a day, randomly I would just burst into tears and fall to my knees and I really felt I didn’t want to be here anymore
He instantly put me back on Xanax, but this time instead of .5 mg twice a day, he put me on 2 mg twice a day. It helped but it didn’t help enough. I was on a path destined for destruction. I cancelled the college I had accepted to go to, I sat at home in the house that was now apparently mine they had left me just about everything and I hated it I felt like I didn’t deserve any of it I didn’t want to live anymore.
I started abusing my Xanax, hanging out with sketchy people, drinking, having parties at my house. I was eating 3 Xanax bars a day and my script was running out so I buying now what I know to be pressed bars off the street. I was basically in a perpetual blackout all the time. One day one of my aunts tried to come and see me. I told her to get out of my house and I never wanted to see her again.
So fast forward, I got off Xanax, it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. The detox and withdrawals were ungodly for me. I was in detox for 14 days in the monitored room, they didn’t believe a little 19 year old blonde girl could possibly have such a habit. Until I had a grand mal seizure and nearly died from hitting my head. It took me weeks to even be able to sleep right and months to not feel like my world was collapsing on my chest the anxiety and PAWS almost lead me to relapse.
But I got through it. And I promised myself I would never touch another benzodiazepine as long as I lived. Well I needed something else. I felt I couldn’t live sober anymore, fresh out of rehab. I found in the cabinet of my deceased mothers belongings a prescription of Oxy, and I liked it, but then I found Lyrica, and I fell in love. I took a few and just felt drunk and giggly and all the anxiety was gone for me and I could breathe.
I got in contact with an old friend / drug dealer (I had told everyone I went to rehab) who told me he could get me anything I needed. So I called him and asked, and he said literally anything. So I said how about Lyrica? And he said I have the real thing, pregabalin already at my house. And you can see where this is going, it went south fast.
I started by getting 10 grams a week and that was enough he made them into capsules for me at that point. Long story short it’s been nearly 2 years that I’ve been taking 10 grams of Lyrica a day. The pandemic hit and I just caved and my tolerance just climbed and… my world collapsed on my head again.
So for my question, am I at higher risk if I cold turkey off of lyrica of seizures? Can I use alcohol to get through this? I will never touch another benzo I promised myself that much. I’m terrified of withdrawals I can’t go through what I did last time and I need to get off of this crap I’m a shell of my former self. I can’t help but think my parents are looking at me from up above just distraught at what I have become. I’m a failure.
I’m new here I’ve been using Bluelight for the past few years though. I’m 23. So without getting too much into my history, but I will divulge some key facts. I was put in foster care at 8 years old. My single mother was a heroin addict who died of an overdose and none of my other “family” was willing to take me in. I spent 3 years in foster care before being adopted. It was a miracle I got adopted when I did because I was starting to fall in with quite the wrong crowd after some terrible things happened to me. But my adopted family saved me, they were the nicest, kindest people I’ve ever met.
They got me into therapy right away, and my life got better. I got better. The psychiatrist had me on a low dose of xanax, which seemed to be helping, and my life was good. Years past and my childhood traumas seemed to have been left in the past.. life was finally treating me right. Until it didn’t.
When I was 18, it was my senior year of high school with about a month left before I graduated. I was so thankful for my adoptive parents and they were so proud of me. I remember it like yesterday I had just gotten my graduation gown and I showed it to my parents, they were thrilled. They told me they were leaving for dinner and they would be back later, it was a normal thing. Well they never came back. They died a drunk driver hit them head on and if they didn’t die instantly on impact there car burst into flames. It was the worst day of my life. My entire world crumbled just like it did when I was 8 years old.
Sorry I’m trying to not write a book I just have a lot to talk about. I went back to my therapist I had seen years before, I was a mess I was crying 20-30 times a day, randomly I would just burst into tears and fall to my knees and I really felt I didn’t want to be here anymore
He instantly put me back on Xanax, but this time instead of .5 mg twice a day, he put me on 2 mg twice a day. It helped but it didn’t help enough. I was on a path destined for destruction. I cancelled the college I had accepted to go to, I sat at home in the house that was now apparently mine they had left me just about everything and I hated it I felt like I didn’t deserve any of it I didn’t want to live anymore.
I started abusing my Xanax, hanging out with sketchy people, drinking, having parties at my house. I was eating 3 Xanax bars a day and my script was running out so I buying now what I know to be pressed bars off the street. I was basically in a perpetual blackout all the time. One day one of my aunts tried to come and see me. I told her to get out of my house and I never wanted to see her again.
So fast forward, I got off Xanax, it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. The detox and withdrawals were ungodly for me. I was in detox for 14 days in the monitored room, they didn’t believe a little 19 year old blonde girl could possibly have such a habit. Until I had a grand mal seizure and nearly died from hitting my head. It took me weeks to even be able to sleep right and months to not feel like my world was collapsing on my chest the anxiety and PAWS almost lead me to relapse.
But I got through it. And I promised myself I would never touch another benzodiazepine as long as I lived. Well I needed something else. I felt I couldn’t live sober anymore, fresh out of rehab. I found in the cabinet of my deceased mothers belongings a prescription of Oxy, and I liked it, but then I found Lyrica, and I fell in love. I took a few and just felt drunk and giggly and all the anxiety was gone for me and I could breathe.
I got in contact with an old friend / drug dealer (I had told everyone I went to rehab) who told me he could get me anything I needed. So I called him and asked, and he said literally anything. So I said how about Lyrica? And he said I have the real thing, pregabalin already at my house. And you can see where this is going, it went south fast.
I started by getting 10 grams a week and that was enough he made them into capsules for me at that point. Long story short it’s been nearly 2 years that I’ve been taking 10 grams of Lyrica a day. The pandemic hit and I just caved and my tolerance just climbed and… my world collapsed on my head again.
So for my question, am I at higher risk if I cold turkey off of lyrica of seizures? Can I use alcohol to get through this? I will never touch another benzo I promised myself that much. I’m terrified of withdrawals I can’t go through what I did last time and I need to get off of this crap I’m a shell of my former self. I can’t help but think my parents are looking at me from up above just distraught at what I have become. I’m a failure.
I would DEFINITELY recommend some kind of inpatient medically-supervised detox for this. Is that going to be feasible at all?? 
