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Can anyone hear me? Fighting depression.

T

Tii

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 11, 2013
Messages
54
I'm a 20 year old male, and am currently living at home with my parents. I am a student, and am in a relationship with a pretty cool girl. I am an ex-heroin addict/poly-drug abuser and am on ORT(Opiate Replacement Therapy). I have been clean for over a year and my life is well almost back to "normal". However I, I don't feel like my cheerful old-self; i'm in-fact rather numb.

It has recently come to my attention that I am indeed depressed and was in denial. Majority of the time I want to isolate and either sleep/binge watch netflix or play cs:go all day. I however am no longer enjoying these things. I no longer seem to enjoy anything, I have lost almost all of my positivty and life seems like some dull repetitive pointless "game" (note: I don't think life is a game) where it's just a bunch of boring tasks. The color and joy seems to be gone; the world around me a dull dark place. Sure I can see all the good, but I can see all the bad. And I see it all for what it is, I see the nature of the cage I and everyone else was born into.

I feel like everyone around me is an idiot when I socialize and they only talk about meaningless bullshit. I still force myself to go out but everyone seems to asks if I'm okay. I am not happy nor sad, I just feel nothing more or less. I feel like nothing brings me pleasure, I feel so a lone in this fight.

I constantly jump to conclusions, am thinking into everythkng like a puzzle; sorting and putting together every piece of information aroud me like a puzzle. I am constantly searching for the answer(s) to anything that can be asked. I am always all in or all out. Either going hard or going home; as if everything is black and white. I'm either in or out.

People more or less fascinate me to such a wild degree; and well I view a lot of them more or less as my subjects. I love to play pyschological games on almost anyone wothout doing them harm nor gaining anything monetary or material. It's like everyone can be decieved by me so easily.

I am very tired of feeling content with not feeling. I need some help and advice... I want to know I am indeed not a lone. I want to get out of here.. Please, help?
 
What actually is your Opiate Replacement Therapy? Subutex/Suboxone? Do you see a psychiatrist? If not, I would advise you to do so.
 
OP it sounds like you are hungry for a challenge. It's time to turn it up a notch and focus on a project perhaps. Make something from nothing.

I'm a keen vegetable gardener, hobbyist mycophile & collector of plants with ethnobotanical significance often reared from seed or cutting. I need my music, I'm a rocker full stop and it's my music that keeps me alive, otherwise the human world is much like you describe. However try and remember that the only meaning anything has is the meaning you attach to it, nothing matters unless you think it does. Take care.
 
I can relate to your situation. I am a shell of my former self, yet have been clean from opiates/benzos for a year now. I screwed my life up so many times that I often feel like I've hit some sort of purgatory. I can't relate to most ppl, hate most ppl places and things and am just basically miserable. I feel like Ive done everything in life (even though I have not) but nothing satisfies me. I think that this has to do with some minor detachment from reality, due to trauma. The only thing that keeps me going is music and hope for a better tomorrow. It's funny you mention "playing games" I see life as one big game to an extent. At the moment I'm seeing how much shit I can eat from my boss, she really hates me and does her best to get me to quit, but I don't because I know that's what she wants. I in turn do my best to drive her crazy. I can get another job, yet I don't want her to win even though it's better for me to leave. The one thing that has changed my life for the better is exercising/working out. I was super frail when I was using and on suboxone, after getting off subs I started working out and eating proper and I am now addicted to cooking and lifting weights. so long as you stay in the game things can change man, sorry this post is one long block but BL has not been working properly for me in a while now. Take it EZ OP!
 
Thanks for the responses guys, my heart goes out to those of you that are suffering as well.

I do go to a shrink and am on 8mg of alprazolam a day and 60mg of adderall a day. I have been taking these at these dosages for a good chunk of time now so I'm not really thinking those meds are causing it; but it is a possibility. I just never had those side effects in the past.

I am thinking about swtiching to MMT maybe, idk I am struggling here but am holding on. I'll keep updating this from this point forward. Hopefully some good will corn from this thread.
 
I have never experienced this feeling or had the issues I have now for the first 18 years of my life.

Now after being clean from heroin I find that I still think about it all the time. It makes me feel normal again.

I never feel like anything is enough, could this be from heavy opiate abuse and poly-substance addiction? That is what I am guessing. Maybe methadone would be strong enough to "hold me" properly. Would it be worth it to go up to ~32mg a day bupe?

Maube I'm just trying to find the easy way out... Well yeah I am. But idk where to start here. I would like to get off benzos and bupe but my name isn't harold ;3
 
Yes I can hear you. You say you're either all in or all out and I can see you're all in with your drug intake. It's not normal for someone your age to be on all that dope and you say you still want more. I see you're a young man with above average intelligence, use it and free yourself. When the money and drugs are gone you are going to hit bottom hard. I'm willing to bet you have little to no sex drive. You have a girlfriend and that is good you should be having sex like crazy. You got too much time on your hands don't waste it. It truly pains me to see a person your age in over your head.
 
What I am about to post is a final effort to be heard and taken seriously; as my age is a big "turn off" for some people.

I am a 20 year old man who experiences chronic undiagnoised pain and fatigue a long with another array of symptoms. They all manifested physical over the process of transitiong to an adult from a pre-pubescent boy. I have been to 14 doctors this year and have been going to doctors for years. The outright treatment I have recieved disgusts me; and I am constantly treated like a second class citizen. A lot of anxiety and depression comes about from the physical pain I have developed. In-fact the limitations placed on me by my physical pain and the general unsupport and lack of people on my life does not help at all and causes symptoms I'd other not have.

I know there is no sure fire way that any of you will be right but I'm tired of doctors, Iv'e tried so hard. So today, I ask my fellow brothers and sisters for their honest view on this, and any response would be appreciated. I need help with a starting point as I am lost.

-Symptomology-
-Chronic wide-spread pain mostly nerve and muscle
-very odd marks on face, strange acne that is flakey and has a "tobacco-ish" resemblence of sorts I cannot explain any better
-extreme chronic fatigue, both mentally and physically
-inability to perform simple physical acts required in daily life despite how much effort I put into it. Physically it's gruelling
-extreme hand and eye coord-ination, joints are not "calm" and can be moved in manners cannot even come close to moving
-Extreme GI issues resulting in severe problems in using the rest room.
-shocks,burns,stabs,zaps,"fire"
-spine is starting to curve tor no apperant reason
-extreme pain in the face and extremeities and spine that cannot be hidden from others
-accused of being a hypocondriac often but that is not the case
-large history of muscle-skeletal pain and nerve pain in the family.
-my mother has oddly similar symptoms but dismisses it as just a coincidence. The weird pimple things I have see has as well.

-Prior History.. Important Info!-
-14 total car accidents(never behind the wheel)
-4 major car accidents that caused severe physical injury but I had not seeked treatment for because that's not normally me
- opiate addiction
-no sti's, no known diseases, organ issues, vitamin/mineral levels are good. I have under-gone exstensive blood work recently.

I know there is no way to get a definetively correct answer however I have run out of ideas and typing this grueling thing was so pain I had to take breaks. Anything, I beg of you BL!?
 
I and my mother get such odd marks on our face that are flakey that iv'e never seen anyone else have. And we both have oddly similar symptoms. She says I am just being a pain in the ass and am a pussy but I cannot bare this pain much longer. A good pain day is a 3-4 and a bad is a 5-6 at it's worst walking can be next to impossible. I can stay up crying in pain untill I pass out from exhaustion. Always have abnormally have BP and heart rate and reynauds phenomenom.
 
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I looked through some of the threads you previously started and a few items stand out as to why you feel they way you do now. You have an extensive drug history, and I think that has made your mental illness/depression worse. I also think you need a very good psychiatrist, as depression can cause very real physical symptoms. You need a shrink that is going to evaluate your current symptoms along with your drug use history, because I think you drug history is a large part of why you feel the way you do now. You need a doctor that is not just going to hand out adderral and Xanax, and btw - those are not helping your current mental state. You are young and have been self medicating pretty hard for a few years, and I think you need to give substances a break. You also need a good counselor that communicates with your psychiatrist.

You seem to take pride in the fact that you can easily manipulate people, which is a red flag in an of itself. The statement you made about manipulating people coupled with how bored you are, and still living at your parents house makes me think one of two things is going on. Either you're a deeply disturbed individual who could benefit from a good psychiatric team, or you're really immature and lazy and enjoy the lifestyle of a parasite where everyone takes care of you because of can convince them to do so, which is also not sustainable - hope you have a plan b for when that no longer works. Neither situation is conducive to happiness. Drug use is only going to make you feel worse, particularly when you find yourself isolated because people stop associating with you because they don't enjoy being played.

If I were you I would soberly consider a long term residential treatment facility as they can address your mental health, substance abuse, and physical ailments. You're 20 years old, you should be working on the foundation of your adult life, not living at your parents house playing video games.
 
Why I do agree with you and the many points you made are indeed true; However I am not just being handed a load of potentially harmful medication for no reason. I have a long medical history and have tried just about any pharm used for anxiety and or insomnia you can list.

However I do not think this is depression mannifesting itself in a physical form. I never experienced depression untill I started experiencing this wide spread chronic pain. I have been evaluted by very competent physicians and I do want help so I tell them the truth.

I only experience depression when I am in physical pain. And as chronic pain gets worse it becomes harder to maintain a positive and productive life.

I live with my parents as they don't mind it; and like the company as they are a bit older. I am a student and am not just sitting on my ass leaching off my parents. However I can no longer make it to class on time. So I am currently pursuing my eduction still, just online.

As my pain fluctuates; so does my mood and my cognitive ability. As you can see from earlier posts on this thread. I have a been formally diagnoised with fibromyalgia... But I have fully explored that avenue and do not believe it to be correct.

I am recieving the best mental health treatment I have recieved ever. And am grateful for that, but I would like to get my pain under control.
 
Tii - you mention chronic anxiety and insomnia - which many of us on this site can relate to, myself included. Adderral and benzos are notorious for increasing both. Imo - the combination of the two is not a sustainable solution, as you build tolerance to both over time and have to keep increasing dosage which will will cause more harm than benefit in the long run. I've never taken adderral, but had a ten year run with Xanax which I will address shortly. My husband's ex wife was taking both, and the combination reduced her to a non-functioning shell of a human. She eventually just existed in a state of psychosis, and refused to stop either medication because they "helped her", when in reality they made her mental illness exponentially worse. I can say from personal experience that overtime, benzos will make the anxiety worse, and for me, reduced my ability to get a sound sleep. It was a vicious cycle of me being exhausted, riddled with anxiety, and self medicating with other substances to alleviate the pain and feeling terrible all the time. It was not sustainable, and long term benzo use damages the brain. If I was ever going to be a functional person again and be able to live on my own I had to stop. Once I quit it got worse before it got better, but now I feel so much better than I ever did while taking Xanax. I have mild anxiety and insomnia, but I've learned coping mechanisms to deal with them and it's a lot more effective than pills.

Regarding your physical symptoms, have you seen specialist? If not, see an internal medicine doctor as they specialize in autoimmune disorders and can order more extensive testing. Many doctors are dismissive of people's pain as they feel people just want to get painkillers, especially if they know you have had addiction issues in the past.

At any rate, I still think a long term treatment facility is a good idea for you as they can address a lot of your issues, and connect you with specialists who may be able to help. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You don't want to wake up one day and realize you pissed away your youth and opportunities because you wanted to do things your way and they didn't work.
 
^^^^
Vouch.

First and foremost, the amount of benzo and Adderall you are taking would mask any number of symptoms if they were physically based. Both meds are linked with sleep disturbances and anxiety. I truly believe you need to find mental health providers that will get you off the meds in a safe manner and therapy to determine why a person of your age would self-medicate to such a degree.

I am in no way dissing you based on your age but it is evidence and science based medicine that has demonstrated that your brain is not done maturing and your have spent years altering your brain chemistry. A neurologist in addition to an internist and a rheumatologist who specializes in auto-immune diseases might be a good idea.

Finally, get out of the house. Volunteer. Walk. Does your community offer any opportunities? Stimulate your brain with new input. You shouln't stall your life at this point. You will also find that mild activity decreases chronic pain.
 
Tinker55 said:
Finally, get out of the house. Volunteer. Walk. Does your community offer any opportunities? Stimulate your brain with new input. You shouln't stall your life at this point. You will also find that mild activity decreases chronic pain.
Click to expand...

^These are good ideas! Getting out of the house and volunteering at a homeless shelter or something will make YOU legit feel better for being able to help other people! I swear!!! Even an animal shelter! (which I personally prefer as, well.. I have social anxiety disorder, so helping animals works better for me.)

Walking is better and easier (IMO) with a someone else, do you have any sober friends?

also: thc oil/weed.. is it legal where you are? or would you have to get a doctor to rx it to you? It might be worth cheeking out, if you're into weed as I hear it works wonders for a lot of people with pain.
 
hello Tii ,

im a former xanax user and heavy drinker. i quit both of those over a year ago i used alcohol to eeze depression i had. I seem to dwell on the past too much thinking of things i cant change . im feelin better now from doing this , i try to keep very occupied when im occupied and my mind is busy i dont think of depressing thoughts i like to draw sometimes this helps keep my mind distracted from getting any depresisng thoughts . it helps me too when i watch funny movies or funny stuff on youtube a good laff always seems to help me . what really helped me the most was exercise . you dont have to do no army boot camp exercises everyday or anything , try starting by walking 15 minutes . when you exercise by just walking your brain makes and releases chemicals that eeze depression and other psychiatric problems ( it really works , google depression & exercise both to read that exercise is great for good mental health)
Have you gotton any blood work done latley ? your body might be lacking a vitamin or mineral , lack of some vitamins or minerals in your body can cause depression

I hope this helps you as much as it helped me ,
god bless you
Katie (babyangel)
 
So I read through all your posts which are much appreciated by the way. And Yes this combo sucks.. Iv'e had these problems before-hand and I can see it could exerceberate my insomnia, etc.

I am not forced to take these meds; and could get off them properly at any given time. Will I ever willingly get off of them? Probably not... That is the benzos and adderall. I love the combo but as some one posted above
 
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