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Mental Health Can anyone explain borderline personality disorder for me?

I love you! No! I hate you! Give me attention! No- go away! Intense feelings and mood swings. You play push-pull with people and have destructive relationships where it's always the other person's fault and never your own. You want attention and affirmation from people and when you don't get it, or it's not the right kind you're after, you act out. Self harm, drug use, gambling, promiscuous sex and other risky behavior are also signs of BPP.

Meh- that's my layman's way of putting it. It's a bitch to be on the other end of, that's for sure. People with BPP can make you feel like you're going insane. But of course, it sucks for the person afflicted with it as well.
 
My ex, the one that has my son was diagnose BPP. Yes the relationship was extremely terrible. I understand the clinical definition, but your post actually summed it up better. Thank you so much.

Is there anyone out there that has BPP, or has experience with people with BPP.

I want to try to understand her feelings better so as to deal with the issues between her and I so I can be a better father to my son.
 
bdomihizayka said:
I love you! No! I hate you! Give me attention! No- go away! Intense feelings and mood swings. You play push-pull with people and have destructive relationships where it's always the other person's fault and never your own. You want attention and affirmation from people and when you don't get it, or it's not the right kind you're after, you act out. Self harm, drug use, gambling, promiscuous sex and other risky behavior are also signs of BPP.

Meh- that's my layman's way of putting it. It's a bitch to be on the other end of, that's for sure. People with BPP can make you feel like you're going insane. But of course, it sucks for the person afflicted with it as well.
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Ummmmm. Interesting :)

Evey
 
Most people, estimated somewhere between 70-95%, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder are victims of childhood abuse, many times sexual abuse, along with physical and emotional abuse. Their actions are fear-based... a deep seated fear of abandonment/rejection. Their behaviors begin to make sense when you see that they are desperately wanting love and acceptance, and yet, when their partner begins to get close, the fear of being abandoned or rejected is so overwhelming, they push the partner away, so as to reject them first, so that they don't have to feel abandoned. The only way I am able to develop any type of professional relationship with a borderline is to be kind and patient, and to be mindful of triggering any fears, as they then will go into that downward spiral.

I can't even imagine how much fear you trigger in her as the father of her child. She very well may be terrified of losing custody (i.e., being abandoned) by her son, no matter what the custody agreement says. Some borderlines are only triggered by their intimate partner, and actually can do ok as a parent, especially when the child is younger and dependent, letting the Borderline feel needed and wanted.

Oh, and the destructive behaviors, like cutting(self-harming), eating disorders, addictions etc. are all very maladaptive responses in an attempt to dull the pain of real or imagined as well as anticipated abandonment.
A book that was highly recommended several years ago, is one that you may find helpful: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS (Author), Randi Kreger .
 
P0kemama said:
Most people, estimated somewhere between 70-95%, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder are victims of childhood abuse, many times sexual abuse, along with physical and emotional abuse. Their actions are fear-based... a deep seated fear of abandonment/rejection. Their behaviors begin to make sense when you see that they are desperately wanting love and acceptance, and yet, when their partner begins to get close, the fear of being abandoned or rejected is so overwhelming, they push the partner away, so as to reject them first, so that they don't have to feel abandoned. The only way I am able to develop any type of professional relationship with a borderline is to be kind and patient, and to be mindful of triggering any fears, as they then will go into that downward spiral.

I can't even imagine how much fear you trigger in her as the father of her child. She very well may be terrified of losing custody (i.e., being abandoned) by her son, no matter what the custody agreement says. Some borderlines are only triggered by their intimate partner, and actually can do ok as a parent, especially when the child is younger and dependent, letting the Borderline feel needed and wanted.

Oh, and the destructive behaviors, like cutting(self-harming), eating disorders, addictions etc. are all very maladaptive responses in an attempt to dull the pain of real or imagined as well as anticipated abandonment.
A book that was highly recommended several years ago, is one that you may find helpful: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS (Author), Randi Kreger .
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That makes a lot of sense. Yea they just want to be accepted n fear the loss. I may get that book myself as I had a friend once who was borderline.
Wow do people really feel they're walking on eggshells around them?

Evey
 
I've unfortunately been in two relationships with borderline people (clinically diagnosed after the fact). I know the pattern now so I know what to avoid, thank god. Anyway...

Relationships with borderline people are typically marked with great ambiguity. You never know 100% if they truly love you and want to be with you. They might promise you the world one minute and the next you feel like you're from different planets. They can go from cold to hot or vice versa in a really short time. You'll look for evidence of true love and sometimes see it in certain moments when they become functionally closer to you, and more intimate, but the next moment they may become disconnected.

I've read that borderline people often have perfectionist parents. That certainly matches with my former partners. The last one, when we visited his family for Thanksgiving, he reverted to some childhood version of himself -- totally afraid of showing any weakness in front of his family, and a lot more concerned about appearances. It was eerie. These parents give them the world if they meet expectations, but they get the complete opposite in the harshest way possible if they don't. So their first relationships - with mother and father - are in complete schism. They come to view their parents as dualistic, and this creates the "splitting" tendencies that borderline people have when one moment they want you and the next they don't. They're not viewing you as a complete person, but as a dual character that they can't reconcile.

Both partners I had who were borderline had major abuse as children or adults, or both. Normally I can spot borderline people a mile away but these two sneaked past my defenses because they were incredibly charming and charismatic at first, which in hindsight was a warning sign that they were unfortunately narcissistic on top of it. Both people had hidden addictions and they used drugs to enhance intimacy because they were so fucked up about how they really felt that they used the high to reinforce false feelings of love. Things like MDMA artificially enhance empathy and feelings of closeness which they themselves are struggling to experience in a functional way but once the high wears off it's back to square one, or worse considering the come down.

I feel sorry for these people because they know they're fucked up but they don't know how to reconcile their fragmented reality. They have the urge to take on partnerships just like anyone else but they just can't keep it together no matter how good things are at the outset. Once infatuation wears off, or sooner, they don't know how to carry the interaction forward in a healthy way and the relationship structure rapidly breaks down. It was really, really heartbreaking.
 
That explains a lot why my ex keeps me at a distance from my son. It also explains the reason why she called the cops, lied about me being abusive, and took my son in the middle of the night when I broke up with her. She also had addiction problems...I had to send her to rehab when she was pregnant. She cheated on me all the time...that hurt. She really screwed the way I view relationships up. I don't date anymore because the life I had with her was so horrible and the consequences of having that relationship are ongoing and cause such misery in my life that I don't feel that I can trust another woman. I actually went from dating quite a bit, and womanizing a bit to being turned off from relationships.

Anyone else ever experience that after being in a relationship for multiple years with someone with BPP?

This thread is extremely helpful because I literally thought I was being a horrible dad, and that I wasn't worth anything as a partner because of her. Just knowing a little bit more about it is giving me hope that I might actually be able to reach her and come to an understanding so that I can be a part of my sons life. This really explains why my relationship with my son is the way it is. She never read him any of the scores of letters I wrote him..(if I call and don't get to talk to him, I write him a letter) and why sometimes when I call I can hear him romping around in the background but she says he is not there. FML...I will get through this. Any advice foreigner since you have been in my shoes as well?

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/200...ly-abused-man/


Check out this blog. This has many stories and experiences of men trying to live and cope and have better lives for their kids when they are at the mercy of the courts and BPP wives. Scroll through it and take a look. Infinitely valuable resources and testimony and suggestions throughout the site.
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This was pretty helpful. I had all those traits when I was with her. The one that stuck out the most was "staying at work so you don't have to go home."
 
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I'm starting to think I may have this. A lot of stuff sounds similar n I'm currently reading 'Stop Walking Eggshells.' Most bar the self harm seems to apply to me. I could be totally imagining this but it does sound very like me. I cling to people; have driven friends away, am petried of loss n when frirnds with people I need to be in touch with them most of the time as when I'm truly on my own i feel this anxiety n dread that I really cannot explain.

In this book it says they judge people on their last actions n I know I do this but I thought everyone did this. I also find it difficult to focus my attention n efforts on more than one thing eg when i was in uni i was so focused on how to pay my tuition feesi didn't focus on the course n when I'm going through my exercising phase all I think is of exercise, fitness at the expense of other stuff.

I remember in secondary school obsessing over my friends wanting to befriend an other instead of me n I'd get really fixated over this. At 16, One friend told me she could no longer be my friend n I literally fely like my world was crashing down around me n like I was grieving. I kept thinking of her n life seemed really sad. Same with other friends / online relationships.

I've had friends I've text compulsively, afraid I'd lose them n not understanding when they'd say something like "I couldn't text you I was busy" i'd analyse this n think 'it doesn't take long to txt me so why don't they want to. I've pushed so many fridnds away because I'd see them all happy with others n feeling rejected that they no longer wanted me.

My first relationship I was very controlling n needs things a certain way. I'd check his bank account, try be annoyed when his family phoned or tried buying him stuff n got him to use all his savings. Would shout at him. I remember once he went to an agency to find work n I was so hurt that he never let me in with him that I phoned him screaming at him n nagged him until he quit it. I'd tell him not to wear certain stuff as he wore them when with an ex n got angry at him once I tore his certicates.

This was in 2003 before I met ex number 2 who I let control me n had a volutle relationship because i felt extremely guilty about ex 1. My family don't believe mr when i try tell ing them how i treated him because he committed a crime that made them hate him.

I'm also petrified of getting close to anyone n will reject anyone I think will reject me. A lad danced with me in a club once who showed interest the next week I blanked him completely n started obsessing over some bloke in Australia who I text a lot. Whenever I feel rejected I lash out, get angry n feel depressed. I push people that matter away n it's like a vicious cycle as all I've ever wanted is to be included, feel wanted n accepted.

I feel trapped n wish to be set free of this burden n this is the only that sounds similar to me.

Sorry for the long winded post i may be over reacting n there's nothing wrong with me but a part of me feels tgere is n I need to address it n stop it :(

Evey
 
bump

I would like to hear more about peoples experiences and how they dealt with them. I think it would be helpful to my recovery mentally.
 
I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and Zayka's description of it was accurate. I mean obviously, if you've been in a relationship with someone with BPD, you know. But the assumption that it's a nightmare for BPD patients is accurate, too. I wrote out a SUPER long post describing how every symptom feels, but it was so long I wouldn't even proof-read it. So. I'm just gonna explain a key thing here.


The push-pull cycle is something I'm notorious for. My mother also has BPD and pulled this on me growing up, so it makes sense that it's my biggest issue. Anywhore. We all know how that goes, so I'm not gonna explain it in detail. During the 'pull', which is my default once I get comfortable with people, I feel happy. I want to be near them, I want to talk to them, I want to make them smile/laugh. If they're a romantic interest it's constant clinging and touching and all I want is to hold them and everything's perfect for me. But then there's a point where my brain decides to sabotage me (usually when I'm overreacting to something that meant nothing [like someone asking me to repeat myself]), and I start to get extremely depressed/paranoid/anxious, I believe they don't want me, that I'm annoying, that I'm not good enough. I delude myself into thinking they've abandoned me or are cheating me, and I feel alone. I act out by yelling at them or calling them names, or snubbing them and doing things to hurt them. I just can't control it sometimes. A main symptom of BPD is extreme/intense emotional reactions. Like, neurotypical-ish people experience emotions on a scale of 1-10; 1 being very mild anger/happiness/sadness/whatever, 10 being 'If I try to contain this anymore I'm gonna scream'. I experience emotions ONLY on the levels of 1 or 10. No in between. Usually I am numb or lower than a 1, but once I switch to 10 I'm unpredictable and it's difficult to manage myself.
What I want people to understand the most is that everything I do when I'm pushing people away, or anything I say when I'm at 10, I feel extremely guilty over. I get angry at myself and question why it's so hard to not feel the way I do. And the way I feel about myself is so indescribably awful, 'heartbroken', 'disappointed', and 'devastated' are all understatements. The way I feel is part of why I push people away; I know that I hurt people and I don't want to do it. It hurts ME. But the only way I've found to be around people while not hurting them, is bottling everything in, and that just makes it worse when I finally allow myself to be 'crazy' and act out. And I have times where I allow myself to act out because it's the only relief. It's hell when I have these episodes. It is pure. Hell. I've almost jumped in front of a train because of it.


This may not be true for all people with BPD. People deal with and cope with their mental illnesses in different ways. Unfortunately, a lot of those who don't seek treatment for it earlier on (maybe between the ages of 15 and 25) go into their 30s and end up becoming more abusive or become alcoholics. The older people with BPD are usually the ones you hear the most shit about, though I am younger and have had my fair share of violent outbursts. But I have learned how to manage it for the most part (I haven't had an extreme episode in almost a year), and have returned to therapy. A good way that I manage it in my current relationship is by being honest and communicating my feelings when I have an episode. I am very fortunate to have found an understanding, supportive person who's willing to sit me down and say, "Hey, something's wrong and you don't need to lie to me about it" before yelling at me and accusing me of being a psychopath.


Idk if this helps at all. For me, this description doesn't do the feeling justice, but it's the best I can do right now.
 
If you're scared of losing someone do you cling on for all its worth? Like if I think I'm going to lose someone I care for I will compulsively text n contact them. Even though I know it's wrong to do so I will keep doing it n even more so when I'm anxious. I had a friend n I did not understand why she did not want to talk to me every day I was scared of losing her if I didn't keep contacting her. People would say they're too busy n I'm analyse how they could be too busy to send a text.

My emotions fluctuate so much throughout the day it's unreal. One minute I could love a particular friend n think they're the most amazing person ever, the next they could say something n it's like I hate them I'm so angry at them n then when it's sorted I love them again. If they ignore me I feel rejected n hurt n completely hate them for talking to others yet ignoring me. I have a major issue with feeling rejected / exclided n get scared of it that I cling on for everything even though that pushes people away I cannot stop because my mind won't let me.
It's like I've all these personalities rapped into one n they're all intermingled. There's the rational me who's caring n wants to help people n this child me who wants protection, comfort n fears rejection / loss. And there's the stubborn me who wont let it go even though the rational me knows its best to. Arrrrggggg.

I don't have no real friends anymore because I felt they were rejecting me or were being mean so I argued with them n drove them all away. Even the recovery groups i went to for opiate addiction i felt they were excluding me so just stopped going n made it clear on social media why. When i was in high school it didn't matter how close I sat by my frienfs I never felt close to them n felt they were closer with others.
If I feel I'm not good enough for people I reject them n distance myself from them completely.

As i said I think i may have this. I've always though there's something wrong with me as I do not act NT. I know it's not Asperger's because my two exes had that n although I have some traits (think most of us do to a point) like taking stuff litterally, when I read about BPD I have most bar a few. I've only ever self-harmed once, but always wondered what's up because the way I get attached to stuff / people to the point of life or death, fear of loss / rejection / exclusion is not normal n I don't want this no more. But really don't know how I go about finding out if I have this. I can't really go to my GP n say "hiya I've read stuff on the Internet n in a book, I think I have a lot of these symptoms for Zbpd" i think they will either call me an attention seeker or laugh at me. Any

Advice pls would be appreciated but please pm as I don't want to de-rail thread.

Thanks <3

Evey
 
This is totally not derailing the thread in any aspect. I get help for myself by reading your posts...please keep them coming. I am finally starting to understand why the one woman I have ever loved acted how she did in our relationship. I can actual go back through my journals and draw pieces of what you both are saying from it...it is actually extremely enlightening.

It also makes me feel less and less that I was some maniac or going crazy.

Your best bet is to take a personality test. IIRC BPD falls into the histrionic category. Once you take that personality test, you should ask your doctor to refer you to a psychiatrist to help treat it. I don't know if this helps but it took a psychiatrist to diagnose me with OCD, Panic disorder, and major depression. After I was diagnosed I was able to seek treatment, however it has taken me an incredible amount of time to find a medicine and therapy combo that works for me, as well as the fact that it has taken quite a bit of hard work to get to the point that I can be somewhat functional.....I still have episodes. Today coming back from another blood test I started having a panic attack and when I snapped out of it I was driving on the wrong side of the road and there was a median there....so I ended up pulling over to the shoulder. Scared the hell out of me.
 
@manboychef- I am so glad that you're able to look back and see why certain things happened! It does amazing things for awareness and acceptance when people are able to do that. I've heard so many people (specifically, men) talk about their exes with BPD and act like THEY were the victim and their ex is a heartless, manipulative predator. I mean, I get that having a relationship with someone with BPD isn't easy and that it can hurt, but people act like we intend to do these things when we really don't. It's kinda like saying someone with food poisoning intends to throw up; it doesn't make any fucking sense and it's obviously not the case.




@Evey- Yes, yes, yes. Everything you've described, I experience. Especially when afraid of losing someone. It usually happens when I'm coming out of a 'push' cycle and I feel guilty. Though I don't really panic and cling to friends, I panic and cling to people I'm sleeping with. I even had one casual FWB that I was ONLY attached to because of my disorder. It's the idea of losing anyone, specifically people I've let seen me vulnerable (i.e, sex partners), that makes me freak out and try to be in constant contact with them. I end up texting them pretty much every three minutes, I'll call if they don't respond to those texts, and then I'll send them more texts if they don't answer. God help me if they don't call or text back. I end up feeling alone and abandoned and I'll just lay in bed an cry and think of all the reasons why I should hate them. I've figured out that when I get that way, I try to make myself hate people so it'll hurt less when they disappear.
I also experience the fluctuation of emotions, and my opinions of people change rapidly based on stupid shit. I can't think of a good example right, but it's like...well. If you let me borrow your coat when it's cold, I'll be very grateful and try to be your friend. As soon as you ask for it back, I start to freak out a little and I get mad at you for ever daring to ask such a question. Stuff like that. I end up punishing/rewarding people based off this, which is really unfair I guess. Like when I'm grateful and want to be your friend, I'll do you favors and buy you food and invite you to hang out. But as soon as you make me angry or make me freak out, I give you the cold shoulder/cut you out or speak to you in a very dry, bitter manner and try to hurt your feelings.
And I constantly feel left out from everything. Like it wouldn't make even the tiniest difference if I wasn't there. That feeling made me quit my job, made me abandon most of my friends, and sometimes it makes me mad at my boyfriend and his friends. It's also part of why I just don't really talk to people. I always feel ignored or talked over or boring, and I end up hurting myself with those thoughts so I just leave.



Y'know, as a side note, a very common but not-well-known symptom of BPD is being EXTREMELY open about yourself. Idk if that helps you at all Evey, but it could be something to look at. I and a friend I have who also has BPD, experience a thing where when we first meet people, we skip the small talk. We start talking about our past traumas, deaths in the family, abortion, drugs, sex, extreme things like that that are a boundary for most people. It scares a lot of strangers away, and I've accidentally hurt friends by bringing up triggering things.
 
yeah she did hurt me....pretty badly, but part of being a good human being is to recognize your role in things as well. I definitely reacted poorly to a lot of things. I don't necessarily think anyone should be absolved of guilt or culpability because they have a disorder. For instance, I had a panic attack which led to me coming back to focus driving on the wrong side of the road this morning. If I had gotten into an accident and hurt someone I would still be guilty of driving recklessly. I know I have this disorder and I decided to stop taking my prescribed xanax which helps control my panic episodes. I do however think that help and understanding should be offered before anger and resentment. If a person wants to be helped and is willing to do what it takes to make it work, that will shine through regardless of what is going on.
 
Oh no, I don't think using any disorder as an excuse to be abusive is acceptable. Often times, if I mention that I think my disorder is why I do a certain thing, people automatically assume I'm using as a crutch, and it pisses me off. But if you know what is going on, it is your responsibility to own up to it and figure out how to manage it in a healthy way. And it is much easier to do that when the people around you are also willing to help support and figure out how to manage it. If that makes sense. I haven't slept in a minute, I may just be babbling.
 
you make perfect sense. I understand completely.

Any mental diagnosis is going to come with lots of peripheral problems. From my panic disorder, I am incredibly jumpy. I work with a woman that is very quiet and she will walk up right behind me and talk which makes me jump every time. If the phone rings I jump every time....it is quite problematic.
 
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