vortex30
Bluelighter
I skipped the last page or so as things were getting redundant and boring. I just want to say to mami that just because your child isn't displaying side effects, or 'withdrawal' symptoms, doesn't mean you aren't causing PERMANENT damage to it's GABAnergic system, thus leading to a very good likely hood that when your child tries alcohol it will feel like the missing part of it's life has finally been re-introduced, and if it moves on to follow it's mother's footsteps with benzos it will become addicted much faster than you, and that little voice that tells you on benzos, "This is how life OUGHT to feel!" will be a thundering scream that will probably be more like, "Life WILL feel this good from now on!" I would be interested to find out how you KNOW it isn't experiencing at least some withdrawal in the form of rebound anxiety. Do you have complex conversations with it about how it is feeling, nervous? Anxious around people? Etc. I don't think a toddler has the mental capacity to experience, or at the very least communicate the fact that they are feeling rebound anxiety due to mum coming off her medication.
Just because your child ain't seizing or (on the flip side) over sedated from your Xanax use DOESN'T mean you aren't setting it up for a life of addiction hell. A love affair with GABAnergics, an anxiety problem through the roof and affinity to benzos much worse than yours, ultimately a good chance of really bad addiction problems. That's the REAL risk you're running; the risk of ruining your child's life. None of us think your child is going to seize and die, or become too sedated and die, no, that won't happen. It is the long-term brain damage you are causing to such a young mind, without it's consent or knowledge, that is not right. A doctor isn't exactly going to warn you of these possibilities, the doctor is concerned with short term risks (is this infant gonna die and me lose my license), it really couldn't care less if your child is now further pre-disposed to problems with GABAnergics. Hell, there's a new patient with anxiety to treat!
Though I'm glad you're getting off now (or questioning your use more, at least). Either stay off, or stop breast feeding. Hope this helps. You don't want your child to resent you in the same way Eminem speaks of his mother who (supposedly) used to dose him up on Valiums and Xanax.
As for tapering and quitting, you haven't received much help. All I can say is get off Xanax, get on Valium and do a real taper, not one with like 4mg Xanax, that is just going to cause MORE damage to your child and your self. A couple more weeks of exposure is better for each of you than a cold-turkey withdrawal. But again you talk about what YOU want, and that YOU want to just get it over and done with and 'seizures' don't concern you. I don't see why you don't/can't simply stop breastfeeding, but it seems to be one of those silly motherly choices that women grow an affinity to and "don't believe in" the other side's method. Do as you please, just get off the drugs if you're gonna do it.
Freud will also tell you that if you're a male you will fantasize about fucking your mum and if you're a female you will fantasize about fucking your dad. It's actually not far from the truth regarding who we have affinities for (people similar to our parent of the opposite sex), but that's Freud for you...Anyways your logic is certainly flawed there as children not subjected to this stage develop fine, addiction IS genetic (Mariposa actually gives a better explanation below, it's enforced by parents/family at the very least), so not only has your child already inherited addictive traits but you're giving it a nice unnatural affinity to GABAnergics by exposing it's young brain to benzos, and I'm sure Freud would prescribe formula/alternatives to breastfeeding FROM BIRTH if a mother is using substances. You obviously need to choose between the meds or breast feeding. I think the meds should go, as it will benefit you too, and you seem committed to this oral stage development thing. Though I doubt it will make much difference one way or the other if you continue to breastfeed or not. Just make sure you ain't breastfeeding a damned 4 or 5 year old. That's just fucked...
On the subject of Freud, his theories were adopted by advertisers in the early 20th century and to this day are the cornerstone of most marketing theory. I ain't discrediting Freud with the fucking your mother statements, just that his theories have far and wide reaches and some are highly successful, others are quite questionable (or at least we'd like to think so!).
Just because your child ain't seizing or (on the flip side) over sedated from your Xanax use DOESN'T mean you aren't setting it up for a life of addiction hell. A love affair with GABAnergics, an anxiety problem through the roof and affinity to benzos much worse than yours, ultimately a good chance of really bad addiction problems. That's the REAL risk you're running; the risk of ruining your child's life. None of us think your child is going to seize and die, or become too sedated and die, no, that won't happen. It is the long-term brain damage you are causing to such a young mind, without it's consent or knowledge, that is not right. A doctor isn't exactly going to warn you of these possibilities, the doctor is concerned with short term risks (is this infant gonna die and me lose my license), it really couldn't care less if your child is now further pre-disposed to problems with GABAnergics. Hell, there's a new patient with anxiety to treat!
Though I'm glad you're getting off now (or questioning your use more, at least). Either stay off, or stop breast feeding. Hope this helps. You don't want your child to resent you in the same way Eminem speaks of his mother who (supposedly) used to dose him up on Valiums and Xanax.
As for tapering and quitting, you haven't received much help. All I can say is get off Xanax, get on Valium and do a real taper, not one with like 4mg Xanax, that is just going to cause MORE damage to your child and your self. A couple more weeks of exposure is better for each of you than a cold-turkey withdrawal. But again you talk about what YOU want, and that YOU want to just get it over and done with and 'seizures' don't concern you. I don't see why you don't/can't simply stop breastfeeding, but it seems to be one of those silly motherly choices that women grow an affinity to and "don't believe in" the other side's method. Do as you please, just get off the drugs if you're gonna do it.
Freud will also tell you that if you're a male you will fantasize about fucking your mum and if you're a female you will fantasize about fucking your dad. It's actually not far from the truth regarding who we have affinities for (people similar to our parent of the opposite sex), but that's Freud for you...Anyways your logic is certainly flawed there as children not subjected to this stage develop fine, addiction IS genetic (Mariposa actually gives a better explanation below, it's enforced by parents/family at the very least), so not only has your child already inherited addictive traits but you're giving it a nice unnatural affinity to GABAnergics by exposing it's young brain to benzos, and I'm sure Freud would prescribe formula/alternatives to breastfeeding FROM BIRTH if a mother is using substances. You obviously need to choose between the meds or breast feeding. I think the meds should go, as it will benefit you too, and you seem committed to this oral stage development thing. Though I doubt it will make much difference one way or the other if you continue to breastfeed or not. Just make sure you ain't breastfeeding a damned 4 or 5 year old. That's just fucked...
On the subject of Freud, his theories were adopted by advertisers in the early 20th century and to this day are the cornerstone of most marketing theory. I ain't discrediting Freud with the fucking your mother statements, just that his theories have far and wide reaches and some are highly successful, others are quite questionable (or at least we'd like to think so!).
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So life is happening for me and I really need to make some wise life choices.
Yes, yes, yes, yes to all of those. Sometimes I'm better & sometimes I'm worse at doing those things. She & I have been to 4 or 5 yoga & meditation retreats since she arrived. So there is a spiritual community there. One thing I have recently gotten a TON of is IRL support. A friend is coming for 2 weeks to help me move. I'm also back in therapy concerning my relationship. I am about to embark on a new journey as a single parent. 
I'm banking on leaving it all behind (street pills + pot) with him. Then I will be left only w/ legal ways to get medication. And I need to leave w a clear medical plan, too. I will probably decide through extensive conversations w Abby when she arrives what is my plan for med management.
Just a few more weeks!
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
It is not going to be as glamorous as you think (if you even care!)
