i recently learned from an ADHD/ASD expert, some people on the spectrum self harm in very odd ways they themselves are not even aware of, and one high on the list is drinking coffee knowing full well you have anxiety and its extremely unlikely that it will give mental clarity and stimulation, as opposed to what really happens, which is high heart rate, high blood pressure, brain fog and worsened anxiety, overall decrease in quality of mental state.
Not to say people with ADHD or ASD dont get addicted to coffee, but the addiction mechanism isnt quite the same, but also, its important to recognize exactly what is going on, because if you just decide "ok, caffeine is probably causing some harm at this point, this probably means im getting addicted or using it too much, so ill stop" then you stop and dont notice how you switch to an entirely different mechanism of indirect self-harm.
Maybe next you set impossible timeframes for your daily plans, just thinking, ok, all i have to do is try hard and it will be fine, instead you dont and you dwell on it and your day is disrupted or you just spent 40 minutes standing in the living room because you couldnt decide if the texture of dirt under your feet would bother you enough to justify searching for your flipflops because you dont want to look for socks to instead wear shoes, all in the name of saving 2-3 minutes or precious effort.
Some people, like myself, have always determined when an addiction starts is when you begin to feel bad from some sort of over-indulgeance, not, are you dependent now, is there withdrawals or can you stop, but rather, does this make you feel unwell.
Its very likely ive never actually been addicted to anything before, but i have been unconsciously engaging in self sabotage using the things i enjoy, like drugs of all sorts, as an instrument. I dont hate myself, or feel like i should suffer, i dont identify with any of the usual self harm mentalities, actually im quite averse to that, i make a point to take care of myself, i want to live as long as possible, so it never even occured to me im abusing things to sabotage myself, against all logic and reason, for some totally incomprehensible irrational objective.
What finally got me to notice the pattern was, why have i been drinking energy drinks for my caffeine when they make me feel so bad, consecutively. I know its really unhealthy, and unless its once in a blue moon only really the first can ever nets effects better than just a plain cup of coffee or green tea. So why would i keep drinking it. i specifically also cant handle my meds amplified side effects on monster energy either for the entire day, but coffee, is safe after an hour or 2.
Then i decided there was a problem, so i stopped, and immediately began binging on a particular kind of chocolate that i like a lot, which ALSO happens to cross react with my ADHD meds, in very much the same way, theanine or whatever the stimulant is, combined with dexamphetamine, makes my heart rate skyrocket, plus i often feel unwell if i have even just more than 1 bar. im over 30, candy days are over, but i still went and did it over and over and over despite it barely being enjoyable.
The main problem then, before i spoke to council about this, was i tried moderation, still thinking this was addiction drawing me to whatever it was at the time i was doing. the frequency isnt really significant for self harm in this context, it was every single day i made choices that reduced my quality of life and ability to make decisions or think clearly.
Ill also note that even if i stopped taking my meds, i was still suffering from anxiety and depression so the caffeine still rarely helped me get through the day calmer or happier.
As for what is now being done, theres nothing helpful in there to share so i wont, sufficed to say, im currently still just sitting and waiting for results.
Anyway it was a crazy realization and just goes to show the value of seeing someone.
I may try the Lady Grey that Hippy suggested as the particular spice that gives it its unique flavor might be in lesser quantities in that variety. Maybe black licorice is the spice that comes to mind. Damn, Xorky.....now I have to google the mane of the spice.
