smackatackpunpunpun
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2024
- Messages
- 18
I don’t know if this is appropriate to post here. So my apologies if it’s not.
So I took cactus intending to quit opioids. The trip itself was underwhelming overall, but I had this thought and I just ran with it. That my purpose on earth is to experience loneliness, that thought by itself was upsetting and with all of the evidence it made it more upsetting, but during the trip I made my peace with it and told myself I’m going to run towards anxiety in the future.
So I did, here’s where it gets crazy as in it’s effective as a tool and it will bring up what’s bothering you. I’ve struggled with opioids for 16 years and once while talking to someone online who also struggled I said “I have no sense of self”, they told me it sounded like BPD, at the time I didn’t think it fit at all due to the volatile moods described (I get angry, who doesn’t? But I don’t mess with people)and threatening suicide (which I’ve never done), but I also have issues sleeping, dissociating(naturally not drug induced), I also have been complaining everytime I see a doctor about “tiredness”, which in retrospect was emptiness that is described with BPD. Opioids helped with my top 4 symptoms: sleep, social anxiety, they were an anchor to my sense of self or rather a replacement self that was more secure, and they took away the tiredness/emptiness. I thought about the suicide thing more and I guess it’s not normal when you watch media that depicts it to feel jealous. Which I do and I’m not glamorizing it, but I had separated my feelings so much thru dissociation I didn’t have a “depressed” thought around suicide, just jealousy.
So it feels like what I wanted a path forward, a reason to stop opiates, but I still have a lot of work to do and I’m barely functioning without them so meds and therapy will be needed and trust issues abound. But cactus will show you what you need if you set intentions. Be careful.
So I took cactus intending to quit opioids. The trip itself was underwhelming overall, but I had this thought and I just ran with it. That my purpose on earth is to experience loneliness, that thought by itself was upsetting and with all of the evidence it made it more upsetting, but during the trip I made my peace with it and told myself I’m going to run towards anxiety in the future.
So I did, here’s where it gets crazy as in it’s effective as a tool and it will bring up what’s bothering you. I’ve struggled with opioids for 16 years and once while talking to someone online who also struggled I said “I have no sense of self”, they told me it sounded like BPD, at the time I didn’t think it fit at all due to the volatile moods described (I get angry, who doesn’t? But I don’t mess with people)and threatening suicide (which I’ve never done), but I also have issues sleeping, dissociating(naturally not drug induced), I also have been complaining everytime I see a doctor about “tiredness”, which in retrospect was emptiness that is described with BPD. Opioids helped with my top 4 symptoms: sleep, social anxiety, they were an anchor to my sense of self or rather a replacement self that was more secure, and they took away the tiredness/emptiness. I thought about the suicide thing more and I guess it’s not normal when you watch media that depicts it to feel jealous. Which I do and I’m not glamorizing it, but I had separated my feelings so much thru dissociation I didn’t have a “depressed” thought around suicide, just jealousy.
So it feels like what I wanted a path forward, a reason to stop opiates, but I still have a lot of work to do and I’m barely functioning without them so meds and therapy will be needed and trust issues abound. But cactus will show you what you need if you set intentions. Be careful.
