• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

bye

I'm not really in TDS all that much, but I've seen you in the Lounge Pagey and I was sad to read this. It sucks that you're having a hard time.

You're so young! I know it sounds cliche, but just hang in there - you haven't even given yourself an opportunity to find out who you really are yet. You've gotta give growing into an adult and maturing a good go - it's too soon to be thinking about checking out!! Even if you don't have much to keep you going at the moment, there are so many things left to live for that can come in the future (your wedding day, becoming a parent...blah blah). These things may not even appeal to you right now, but as long as you're breathing, you have the opportunity to have a fantastic life in the future. It's not over till it's over. You just gotta be tough somehow and find the strength to make it happen.

You're getting caught up with guys and dating right now, and it seems like you're over-thinking things and it is probably causing you stress. I'd consider taking some time to focus solely on yourself, and put everything you've got into improving how you're feeling, and confronting and working through any issues you've got. The problem with dating is that your feelings are heavily influenced by the actions of another. This is a normal and unavoidable part of a relationship, but sometimes we can just be a bit too fragile for all the ups and downs and what ifs. Are you seeing a therapist at the moment?

Anwyay, good luck Pagey - chin up buddy ;)
 
Thanks Mel, I do hope you're right. As far as relationships go, the thing is it's been a while and I've had that time alone and to be honest it was enough to realize I don't like being alone. It would just do me well to have someone right now, you know?
I am seeing a therapist, I just switched to a new one since I moved countries but globally I've been seeing one for 3-4 years. I'm also seeing a psychiatrist. The therapist seems quite nice, I like her, but I can only see her once a week and to be honest that's really not enough at the moment even though it seems like a lot :(

I'm feeling horrible right now. A couple nights ago I had a call from my brother telling me my mother's in the hospital after trying to kill herself. I don't know what to do, I feel so powerless here, I can't even go home to see her.
I feel like this was the last thing I needed to prove to me once and for all that I'd be better off just gone. I'm trying to hang in here but it's so difficult.
 
^i agree completely with mel. Relationships themselves can be an addiction. That rush you get when kiss someone for the first time. The butterflies you get, the feeling of belonging, that sense of security of being in their arms. For me (after i got clean) i used relationships like a drug and i became MISERABLE. Instead of waiting on the dopeman i was waiting on what girl i was seeing. Obessing over them, wondering if im good enough, why they arent texting/calling me. Theyre mad at me, i just know it! But why are they mad at me? Whats wrong with me? They say theyre busy but they must be lying, probably seeing someone else. They dont really care about me, they just want sex or money or drugs... My mind would race with these thoughts on inadequacy. I was a wreck. Not to seem harsh but you seem to deny the "reality" of the problem, much like a using addict denies they have a problem. If you keep doing the same things dear, youre gonna keeo getting the same results. I got plenty of time to find a lady. Im only 21 (i know youre around my age) so i got DECADES to find a good girl. What helped me is hanging around other single friends of the same sex and just have fun. I hope you dont feel as if i was taking a shot at you because that was not my aim. I got a lot of love for you. You know im always here for you.
~B
 
^yeah I don't really get where that's coming from. I'm in no way obsessed with relationships and I think I might know that considering I haven't really had one since my only long term boyfriend broke up with me because I knew I needed to give myself time to heal. It's not because I now want one that I'm addicted to them or whatever.
Sorry for the pissed off answer Serotonin but I don't get why you're saying that. Especially considering that my main problems and what I've been trying to talk about in this thread have nothing to do with relationships.
 
Im going off of past conversations with you and reading between the lines of some of your posts. You come off as being codependant, not being comfortable with yourself and neeing someone to "complete" you and give your life meaning. Thats what i got out of it so im sorry if i didnt understand where youre coming from.
 
^^Having had the honour of getting to know Pagey, believe me her difficulties aren't as mundane as simply needing a boyfriend. The poor girl is having a horrific time at the moment and holding up remarkably well. Keep going Pagey, you're doing great :)
 
give up on fake/capitalistic dreams you cant achieve as its just fraudulent carrot hung in front of you by the 1 percent. give up on building a fake persona to impress people because it does not work. give up on shame....sure what does the feeling of shame do for you.....nothing!!!! just live your life meet people <snip> On social sites alot of people are in your position and could do with your shoulder.....lastly <snip> just live you will be grand,hope you pick yourself up pagey.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Don't do it pagey, I saw your photo on the photo thread, you are too beautiful to go, it would be a waste
 
may sound crazy but don't kill your self unless your sober. Don't make up your mind while in WD or while high because your not your self. You must be sober to make a educated choice about offing your self IMO
 
xxsicknessxx said:
may sound crazy but don't kill your self unless your sober. Don't make up your mind while in WD or while high because your not your self. You must be sober to make a educated choice about offing your self IMO
Click to expand...
We have ourselves a winner! This should be the first thing people read when contemplating suicide. After i got clean i have yet to have any suicidal thoughts as opposed to daily thoughts at my worst of my using. As the saying goes "what goes up must come down" and usually the higher the highs, the lower the lows. When youre clean the highs are less impulsive and intense and the lows are less depressing and more manageable.
 
Serotonin101 said:
Im going off of past conversations with you and reading between the lines of some of your posts. You come off as being codependant, not being comfortable with yourself and neeing someone to "complete" you and give your life meaning. Thats what i got out of it so im sorry if i didnt understand where youre coming from.
Click to expand...

This seriously feels like a cheap shot at me because of how our conversations ended. If what you got from my problems is that I need someone else to feel complete and not maybe that, hmm, in the space of six months I was raped, cheated on with a close friend, told by my father I was worthless and should die and beaten repeatedly, my mother just tried to kill herself and meanwhile I'm in another fucking country, the one person who was ever proud of me DID die, oh and all this after years of repressing my best friend's death, years of being beaten by my father for that matter, and years of body-image issues and eating disorders, then clearly you weren't paying very close attention. I appreciated when you were trying to help me but this? Great of you to try and make me feel bad on my fucking suicide thread.

captaincaveman said:
^^Having had the honour of getting to know Pagey, believe me her difficulties aren't as mundane as simply needing a boyfriend. The poor girl is having a horrific time at the moment and holding up remarkably well. Keep going Pagey, you're doing great :)
Click to expand...

Thank you <3

eireann said:
give up on fake/capitalistic dreams you cant achieve as its just fraudulent carrot hung in front of you by the 1 percent. give up on building a fake persona to impress people because it does not work. give up on shame....sure what does the feeling of shame do for you.....nothing!!!! just live your life meet people <snip> On social sites alot of people are in your position and could do with your shoulder.....lastly <snip> just live you will be grand,hope you pick yourself up pagey.
Click to expand...

I do hope I'll be able to regain a bit more optimism than that but I get what you mean, thank you.

Chazattack said:
Don't do it pagey, I saw your photo on the photo thread, you are too beautiful to go, it would be a waste
Click to expand...

Aw, that's sweet of you.

xxsicknessxx said:
may sound crazy but don't kill your self unless your sober. Don't make up your mind while in WD or while high because your not your self. You must be sober to make a educated choice about offing your self IMO
Click to expand...

I know what you mean. The thing is all these suicidal thoughts I've had these past few weeks have been entirely when I'm sober (since when I'm high I just feel happy, or at the very least content). I even had about a month of literally no drug use whatsoever and it didn't help at all, I'm actually happier when I know I can use drugs once in a while to get me out of the dark moments - at least I know I have something to help, you know? It's true when I tried to kill myself a few months ago I was completely out of my mind on xanax so I won't do that again. thanks.
 
i have been kinda of watching this thread, and i dont know you but i felt concerned... i hope that you do have people in which you can talk to face to face also, not that this doesn't help it does, at least for me. but i just wanted to say i agree with sickness, i dunno exactly how many opiate WD i have had, but everyone i can remember, i had suicidal ideations and got close allot to, im not saying thats whats happening to you. but yea im glad i never followed through it, also at the risk of sounding very cliché, suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem.


i
 
That was not my aim at all to "take a cheap shot" at you. As i said i didnt know the entire story and only various aspects so i appologize for my misunderstanding. I realize what i said comes off as being callous and inconsiderate and im sorry for my choice of words and my tone and i should have reread it as i understand youre in a fragile state and in all honesty i dont want to make matters worse. I honestly care for you and your wellbeing and do wish you the best. I love ya and find you to be an incredible person and very beautiful and warm. Please stay strong and keep pushing forward, these obstacles will make you even stronger than you are now and personally i think you could make an incredible resource to others in similar situations. Remember you have a lot of offer to this world as you are still very young and full of potential. Dont give up no matter what because im not gonna give up on you. Once again i am sorry for my previous posts. I could come up with excuses but i wont as i was still unthoughtful. Ill continue to pray for you to my higher power.
P.S. - my higher powers "voice" is like samuel L jackson in "snakes on a plane". :) thought including that lighthearted tidbit might at least crack a smile across your beautiful face
 
After having all that has happened to you i don't think anyone could blame you for feeling miserable. Really that is so much shit to happen within such a short amount of time and some of it is to fucking horrible for me to even think of. As Ive told you i can understand the whole suicidal mom thing abit though mine seems more the type to drive everyone else to commit suicide due to her raging on and on about death most days. Seriously i have straight up told her well which way do you wanna go the gun or lethal injection style? In a joking manner of course but having 20 years behind it i guess i was not completely joking :| . I try and not be to resentful towards her though as she basically raised 2 kids by herself with noone at all to help her so yeah she has had a rough go of it to. I never had anyone beat on me growing up and anyone that tried would have only gotten away with it once but i saw enough of that growing up to last me a fucking lifetime. Seriously what kind of cunt beats on anyone for no reason much less their own fucking daughter? I can't even count how many women i know that are still depressed and have countless issues over what some bastard did to them when they where younger. Fucking neanderthals!

But that's so much awful shit to have happen in the run of 6 fucking months! Really you don't give yourself nearly as much credit as you deserve for even being able to function ffs never mind carry on with life. Many people would be in a institution somewhere or just completely unable to get on with their day at all. But you are by all means doing pretty fucking good considering. I mean your going to school and carrying on with your life which is awesome so your not letting it hold you back. So you really should give yourself more credit as you certainly deserve it.

Anyway all i can say is look out for yourself ok? You know where to find me so anything else I'll say privately.

Keep your head up Pagey :)

<3
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top