But not today.

[jeebus13]

Sometimes I think that I never had anything worth saying in the first place. I wonder if I'm just running on and on with pretty words I learned in quaint bars and thoughtless parties. I used to feel like I had something to say... and then I gave up. I exchanged my search for words for a quarter of shitty weed and a girl I can never have.

I remember what I wanted to say, but saying it now seems redundant
redundant redundant redundant... ad infinitum, or until sleep comes to rattle my cage from wherever it hides. Coffee, cigarettes, whiskey, a heartrending sigh: these are my companions and they all think I'm a dick.
Maybe they're right, but at least I'm a BIG dick. Whoever said life was about making friends obviously had some and never dreamed of being alone and not wanting to kill yourself.

Just because I isolate myself doesn't mean that I'm in a hole, although at present that may be the case.



I think I just miss the laughter. That sound of harmony that springs out of mingling laughter splitting silence. I don't want a helping hand, and I don't think there's one here for me anyway. I just want to hear the laughter of a night without pacing and ranting into a mirror.

Today is another day. Just like yesterday. Just like tomorrow. Just like me. Just another... a happy song that makes me want to puke coming from the idiot teenager sitting next to me who could probably use a good savage beating.

I think that's why I gave up. It all starts to look and feel the same and then you wake up one day and see that it all really IS the same. Just one big empty run-on sentence with no subject and no verb- no action or structure or proper punctuation. Just another day.

And I don't want to repeat myself anymore.
And I don't want to repeat myself anymore.
And I don't want to... fuck it. Irony is a wasted endeavor and so, it seems, am I. Wasted, that is. I guess they really don't hide that smile at the bottom of the bottle. Maybe they hid a bottle at the bottom of a smile, though.

Whimpering idiot. Jabbering at himself in the candlelight. Dreaming that if you say something in dim light and no one's around to hear it, that it somehow matters more. Sometimes, you just need anything to matter just a little bit more. I think that I need to go for a walk, but that would mean that I would have to put on some clothes. Not because someone might see me, everyone's asleep... this whole fucking town is asleep. But because it's like twenty degrees outside and my dick would freeze and fall off... and what's the point of living if you don't have a dick?

Shadows of myself and my ethical dilemmas are creeping in and it all makes me want to blow out the lights. Maybe sitting in the dark will make things matter more.

Nope.

Just makes it hard to see.

Just reminds me that I might, one day, be forced to give up my self-pity and casual regret and genuinely care about someone besides melodramatic little me... but not today.

 

[smileyfish]

Nice peice - having conversations with yourself in mandatory on bad days. Well articulated complex emotions.

 

[E-girl]

I think that's why I gave up. It all starts to look and feel the same and then you wake up one day and see that it all really IS the same. Just one big empty run-on sentence with no subject and no verb- no action or structure or proper punctuation. Just another day.

I think that's the key. Once our life falls into a routine, it starts to suck. Well, at least we perceive it to suck. Espeically when the routine involves stress, frustration, and headaches.

Sometimes breaking out of it is the key to living a more fulfilling life. I look at my own life, and my relationship. I do the same damn thing every damn day, and every sunday me and danny go to the movies and every friday and saturday i work insane hours and every blah blah blah.

but the moments that have more significance to me are the spontaneous ones that i didnt plan for. the "hey, fuck work, lets go to new york tonight"'s and the skip class and go shopping.

i dont really know what i'm rambling about. but i think my point is that you have to make today unique, if its going to give you any kind of pleasure.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

Routine, what a subject.......

I've thought about this for a little while.

Everyday, if you were in the routine where you got a punch in the face every hour, on the hour. That would suck.

If you were handed 1000 dollars on the hour, every hour, that wouldn't be so bad.

Sometimes, it's what we make of it. And really, it isn't that bad. E-girl said that every Sunday she goes to the movies with her boy. If I was in that situation and one Sunday I skipped out, I think the rest of the week would start out differently.

Sometimes, it's the littest things, the things that we are SO sure about is going to take place, as monotinous as they may get and as sick as we get doing them, that we NEED to remind us why we are here and doing what we are doing. Sometimes, maybe, we need little things like going to the movies in routine, because it's the only thing in our lives that we are sure about, and are sure it is going to take place. Routine, is the only thing we know. And once in a while, it isn't so bad not being in the dark.

It's is all a major significant role in the end... you just need to find the significance in all of it.