burnt

[mashead testing]

Its something ive never been able to do
no touch, no closeness
although you give
I cant except nothing from you
Where does all this trust lie
where does all the meaning come from
I long for a smile to keep me going on
or a notion of destiny
Something thats deep inside of me
burnt into my heart and soul
telling me, keeping me, saving me
but killing me, I cant let go
What it is though, I dont know
if I dont know how to change it
then does it exist
why do these thoughts in my head persist
Im not sad far from it
but im disjointed and easily thrown
all the times I couldve known
but still so far
Keeps coming, not moving, slow
so very slow, it stops
and I get off and wait
still waiting, still slow
No faking, nowhere to go
no movement in my heart
head stops, words stop
im falling off
Drifting,
pretending im not listening
but absorbing,
fear of trust and love, not giving up
Relentless,
I discover so much often more than I need
or am I just fooling myself
just what can you see
Was meant to be positive
but never appears that way
everyone questions my soul
and my heart drifts slowly away

 

[E-girl]

if I dont know how to change it
then does it exist
the first thing that came to my mind when i read those lines was "pro-centre", lol.
but anyway, getting back to your poem. i've read a lot of your stuff lately, and it seems you write a lot about searching for answers... i think that when we are lonely, we tend to do this a lot; at least, i do. you suddenly want answers to everything... to why your life is how it is, to why things didnt go right, to why you're alone, to why you are meant to feel this way... there is a song that says everything has its place in time, and i believe that. i know what it feels to get more than your share of sorrow, but i also know that when bliss comes, its more beautiful than ever.
i was just watching "Vanilla Sky" last night.. have you seen it? There's this one part where Tom Cruise's best friend in the movie is talking about love, and he says something to the effect of, "If you havent tasted the bitter, baby... the sweet ain't as sweet."
very true.

 

[Era]

I think we need to alter the masheadatronic centre.

 

[mashead testing]

I havent seen the film but I will look out for it, I couldnt agree more with the whole bitter - sweet thing.
Ive been through a lot in the past year (although compared to some people I guess what ive been through is nothing). I keep putting my head out of the other side of the tunnel although sometimes its just for a breath of air and I end up going back under.
Ive got much more direction and ambition then I did have and ive answered a lot of my questions although I guess I realise there are some that will never be answered as frustrating as it may be.
Ive been having problems with my family and I now dont ignore things like I used to and my parents cant really cope with me as im very independant and open minded and theres a lot of things from the past which I will bring up at random moments to haunt them with, I guess thats not good but theres still stuff im not satisfied with although I doubt I ever will be.
Ive also got my final exams starting tomorrow and ive missed all of school this year through depression so im finding it hard to cope as I dont feel like doing any work and although im generally happy, I can get knocked down very easily.
But a lot of my problems stem from being lonely and ive lost a lot of friends in the last year as I stayed at school while they went out to get jobs and we grew apart so at the minute I dont have (m)any people I can talk to or do stuff with which gets to me
Once again thanks for reading it and understanding
[ 11 June 2002: Message edited by: masheadatronic ]