Tryptamine*Dreamer
Ex-Bluelighter
This is pretty long.
My brother is home with my mother and I on parole. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but all it is bringing is trouble.(Still glad he is out).
He blames me for things I have nothing to do with. He was asking questions about what my mom might have said to me about or asked about him. I told him the truth (left out the parts that I thought he'd take the wrong way - nothing bad meant by what was said, but I knew how he'd take those parts). The main thing with this was drugs.
I let him know that my mom did not want him using drugs and that she asked me not to give him anything if he asked because she did not want him failing a drug test and going back to prison. I should have left this part out - he had asked if I still smoked "synthetic weed" and I said I told my mom that was the only thing he asked about as far as that was concerned - it really isn't something that would bother her for him to do (except for possible fear he'd fail a drug test - something I had not thought of but my mom probably thinks most things would show up).
Apparently, that means it is going to be my fault if he goes back to prison because I am going to cause her to drive him away.
He blames her because he was paroled to this location, saying she talked them into doing so. He wanted to go to a halfway house in a big city. The truth of the matter is that there were no openings that he'd qualify for and there is a waiting list. It is also policy from what I have heard to place them with family whenever possible. I told him about that. That means to him that I am taking her side and that she is lying.
He said he couldn't trust anyone but thought he could trust me, but he saw I was just the same. I did not tell anything I promised to keep secret - I do not see how that was being untrustworthy.
He was earlier wanting to get me to get things for him to make meth with. I wanted no part of that, but he was pressuring me and just freaking me out. I am sure he'll try to work on me some more when he gets over that argument/his blaming me and others because he did not get things he wanted such as paroled where he wanted. I don't want to get involved in that but I am afraid he may just keep pushing me until I give in. He'd get caught and I'll end up locked away. I'd kill myself before I did that. He wants me to use some if he makes it and I don't know if I even want to touch meth, but he'll probably get me to do that to.
He's trying to blame others including me for him going to prison last time, and I did not do anything
I really can't trust him though - last time he was here, he told my sister personal things about me and my drug use even though he had promised to keep quiet about it and said a lot of other bad things about me, many that were not true. I don't tell anything about him that he wants kept between us or I think he'd like kept secret.
He is treating me bad a lot and just usually not nice. Nothing I say is right
I tried to give helpful advice and explain to him that our mom is not against him - she wants to see him stay out of prison and get an education. She does not want him getting in trouble or me getting him in trouble with drugs, but he thinks she is on my side and against him and she'd blame him for anything I do like overdose or something. I have not used much since he got here and told him that. He knows my mom knows about my drug use anyway, so why would he be blamed if I screw up with drugs?
He really hates my bird and I am afraid he is going to harm or kill him. He was just now kicking stuff around in the hall because the bird was there and he did not like it. He hurts any of my animals and there will be a homicide-suicide occurring.
If he starts making meth, he might try to put part of the blame on me even if I don't know about it or tell them about me having drugs to reduce his sentence - maybe I am wrong about that.
All of this stress and the way he is making me feel like trash has made me start feeling really depressed again. A couple of nights ago, I was barely able to stop myself from just doing really bad things to myself - just kept getting impulses but I guess I controlled that. Maybe I should have came to The Dark Side to talk about things or just vent. That was a really bad night - nobody to talk to and not wanting to bother anyone here or waste their time for what should be fairly insignificant.
Shortly ago when he was kicking things around my bird, cussing and yelling about the bird and saying it should be got rid of, I swallowed some roach killing gel and lice shampoo. I don't know why - I just did it without thinking. I don't think it was enough to hurt me though.
This is just stupid - I am probably overreacting. I just needed to say something because at times I am wishing I would die and having thoughts of doing something really dangerous with drugs.
I skipped college today because I was too upset. Now I'll probably have to take a class over because I don't think I can possible make a B now - that is my standard for a minimum score. If things deteriorate, I'll end up dropping out which might result in a one year suspension - I'll just give up permanently if it comes to that.
I don't want my brother back in prison, but if he keeps making me feel so bad with the way he is often just being kind of mean and blaming me and just saying mean things about me, it is going to make it difficult to handle my own situation and I don't want this brief period of depressed/worried/anxious/guilty mood to just stick.
I know I'll probably blame myself if he goes back to prison even if I am at little or no fault because he is already saying it will be my mother and I who cause it.
I hope he will change quickly, that it is just all the time in prison and he needs time to figure out how to act on the outside.
The italic quote is about the last time he stayed here after getting out of prison
I think he is being a lot more negative than I ever was by blaming people for things they did not do and generally being negative towards others - I think that is worse than being negative toward yourself and nice to others.
He obviously has problems of his own he needs to deal with and I think depression may be one of them - I don't know. It won't happen though since he thinks his problem is other people, especially family.
Right now, I want off this Earth or at least away from my brother. If he keeps being hurtful and making me worry about him hurting or killing my bird, it is going to likely put me back into a long depression.
I wish he would not be like this - I just find it hurtful.
I also don't want him making meth here - I don't want myself in trouble for something he might do and I don't want him in trouble for it either.
Another source of friction was when I told him I didn't say anything about his meth plan, he thought I said I did tell her (or possibly I misspoke) and he would not believe me. He says it is my fault if he goes back to prison. Anything I have done has been trying to get him not to go back.
If he were to kill my bird, I'd probably kill myself. I might also make sure he knows why so at least he can feel guilt (I would not kill myself for revenge, but if someone brings me to the point I'd kill myself, they should at lest feel guilty for pushing someone - they would deserve it.
I might tell my mom if he decides to cook meth on the property because he is not the only one who could get in trouble and I don't think it is too likely, but he might try to take some of the heat off himself by trying to blame me.
Lastly, if he wanted to hurt me or had the cops come out for some other reason and my raccoon is found, he would be taken away and probably killed.
I'm going to get a hunting license as I think the new law is that you may have one (whole live animals or parts of dead ones) legally as long as they aren't sold or exhibited. That is a new loophole that will allow me to have him legally. Before, it was only allowed for fur farms to kill them for fur, canned hunts where some lazy hunter wants to kill something in a large enclosed area from which it is very hard for an animal to escape, or for meat (very, very small market for raccoon meat). The government kills lots too and it seems like there is little or no restriction on hunting them.
That is fucked up - killing them often after miserable confinement or agony in a leg hold trap is perfectly okay, but someone with lots of knowledge about raccoons and their behavior who takes great care of one that seems very happy is doing something wrong or is cruel (unlike killing them slowly or putting them in tiny cages in fur farms with little or no environmental enrichment or anything to reduce the risk of insanity from such deprivation - nothing cruel about that, right?). It is not logical to me. Some people think it is cruel to keep raccoons and many other animals, but I disagree. If you can provide an animal with what it needs to be healthy and happy, the government should keep there noses out of other peoples business. Anyway, having him taken away could push me to suicide.
The above part about raccoons is kind of off topic, but I left it because I think a lot of those rules are insane and it shows why I am afraid of my brother getting revenge like that.
I don't think my brother is going to harm or get rid of either of my pets out of dislike of them or revenge against me, but the worry is there. He has been in a lot of physical fights and last time he was here, he kicked dogs when mad and knocked my bird off the top of my bedroom door with a broom on purpose twice (my room that I did not have to let him and his girlfriend use). The bird fell straight down once and managed to get a bit of slow down for a soft landing the other, though he does not fly.
I have no tolerance for anyone who does anything mean or cruel to my pets (or any animal, humans included, of course).
This post has a lot of negative feelings, fears, and thoughts about my brother and may sound harsh. I feel bad about saying these things about him, but it is correct or at least he pretends to be like that. That said, he can be a really good person, he is intelligent, and I do love him.
I yelled and said mean things after the incident with my bird shortly ago and now I feel bad about that. I hope I don't cause him to leave and go back to prison, but the more I think, the more I expect that this will happen - he is already wanting to do some things that could send him back.
If I start feeling overwhelmed and thinking of doing anything stupid, I'll try to find someone to talk with - probably on bluelight and maybe elsewhere.
I don't see why I am reacting so bad about this. There is some more to this I did not include in the post as it is long enough already.
Here are the fears and worries that I keep thinking about related to this:
I fear for my brother getting back in prison
A greater fear is that he'll talk me into doing something I'll end up locked away for
He will kill, injure, or emotionally traumatize one of my pets (maybe my biggest concern)
With his occasional barely controllable anger, he might hurt someone or destroy property (he likes to fight)
He was drinking 20-30 beers per day before he went back to prison last time and now there is something wrong with his liver - hope he'll be okay and he stays away from booze.
He has been out maybe 5 or 6 days - I think my brother will improve if he stays out of trouble for a while but it could take time. Maybe another week of being out of that horrendous environment of prison will be enough to start him fitting back into society and functioning more normally.
My brother is home with my mother and I on parole. I was looking forward to seeing him again, but all it is bringing is trouble.(Still glad he is out).
He blames me for things I have nothing to do with. He was asking questions about what my mom might have said to me about or asked about him. I told him the truth (left out the parts that I thought he'd take the wrong way - nothing bad meant by what was said, but I knew how he'd take those parts). The main thing with this was drugs.
I let him know that my mom did not want him using drugs and that she asked me not to give him anything if he asked because she did not want him failing a drug test and going back to prison. I should have left this part out - he had asked if I still smoked "synthetic weed" and I said I told my mom that was the only thing he asked about as far as that was concerned - it really isn't something that would bother her for him to do (except for possible fear he'd fail a drug test - something I had not thought of but my mom probably thinks most things would show up).
Apparently, that means it is going to be my fault if he goes back to prison because I am going to cause her to drive him away.
He blames her because he was paroled to this location, saying she talked them into doing so. He wanted to go to a halfway house in a big city. The truth of the matter is that there were no openings that he'd qualify for and there is a waiting list. It is also policy from what I have heard to place them with family whenever possible. I told him about that. That means to him that I am taking her side and that she is lying.
He said he couldn't trust anyone but thought he could trust me, but he saw I was just the same. I did not tell anything I promised to keep secret - I do not see how that was being untrustworthy.
He was earlier wanting to get me to get things for him to make meth with. I wanted no part of that, but he was pressuring me and just freaking me out. I am sure he'll try to work on me some more when he gets over that argument/his blaming me and others because he did not get things he wanted such as paroled where he wanted. I don't want to get involved in that but I am afraid he may just keep pushing me until I give in. He'd get caught and I'll end up locked away. I'd kill myself before I did that. He wants me to use some if he makes it and I don't know if I even want to touch meth, but he'll probably get me to do that to.
He's trying to blame others including me for him going to prison last time, and I did not do anything
I really can't trust him though - last time he was here, he told my sister personal things about me and my drug use even though he had promised to keep quiet about it and said a lot of other bad things about me, many that were not true. I don't tell anything about him that he wants kept between us or I think he'd like kept secret.
He is treating me bad a lot and just usually not nice. Nothing I say is right
I tried to give helpful advice and explain to him that our mom is not against him - she wants to see him stay out of prison and get an education. She does not want him getting in trouble or me getting him in trouble with drugs, but he thinks she is on my side and against him and she'd blame him for anything I do like overdose or something. I have not used much since he got here and told him that. He knows my mom knows about my drug use anyway, so why would he be blamed if I screw up with drugs?
He really hates my bird and I am afraid he is going to harm or kill him. He was just now kicking stuff around in the hall because the bird was there and he did not like it. He hurts any of my animals and there will be a homicide-suicide occurring.
If he starts making meth, he might try to put part of the blame on me even if I don't know about it or tell them about me having drugs to reduce his sentence - maybe I am wrong about that.
All of this stress and the way he is making me feel like trash has made me start feeling really depressed again. A couple of nights ago, I was barely able to stop myself from just doing really bad things to myself - just kept getting impulses but I guess I controlled that. Maybe I should have came to The Dark Side to talk about things or just vent. That was a really bad night - nobody to talk to and not wanting to bother anyone here or waste their time for what should be fairly insignificant.
Shortly ago when he was kicking things around my bird, cussing and yelling about the bird and saying it should be got rid of, I swallowed some roach killing gel and lice shampoo. I don't know why - I just did it without thinking. I don't think it was enough to hurt me though.
This is just stupid - I am probably overreacting. I just needed to say something because at times I am wishing I would die and having thoughts of doing something really dangerous with drugs.
I skipped college today because I was too upset. Now I'll probably have to take a class over because I don't think I can possible make a B now - that is my standard for a minimum score. If things deteriorate, I'll end up dropping out which might result in a one year suspension - I'll just give up permanently if it comes to that.
I don't want my brother back in prison, but if he keeps making me feel so bad with the way he is often just being kind of mean and blaming me and just saying mean things about me, it is going to make it difficult to handle my own situation and I don't want this brief period of depressed/worried/anxious/guilty mood to just stick.
I know I'll probably blame myself if he goes back to prison even if I am at little or no fault because he is already saying it will be my mother and I who cause it.
I hope he will change quickly, that it is just all the time in prison and he needs time to figure out how to act on the outside.
The italic quote is about the last time he stayed here after getting out of prison
I think he is being a lot more negative than I ever was by blaming people for things they did not do and generally being negative towards others - I think that is worse than being negative toward yourself and nice to others.
He obviously has problems of his own he needs to deal with and I think depression may be one of them - I don't know. It won't happen though since he thinks his problem is other people, especially family.
Right now, I want off this Earth or at least away from my brother. If he keeps being hurtful and making me worry about him hurting or killing my bird, it is going to likely put me back into a long depression.
I wish he would not be like this - I just find it hurtful.
I also don't want him making meth here - I don't want myself in trouble for something he might do and I don't want him in trouble for it either.
Another source of friction was when I told him I didn't say anything about his meth plan, he thought I said I did tell her (or possibly I misspoke) and he would not believe me. He says it is my fault if he goes back to prison. Anything I have done has been trying to get him not to go back.
If he were to kill my bird, I'd probably kill myself. I might also make sure he knows why so at least he can feel guilt (I would not kill myself for revenge, but if someone brings me to the point I'd kill myself, they should at lest feel guilty for pushing someone - they would deserve it.
I might tell my mom if he decides to cook meth on the property because he is not the only one who could get in trouble and I don't think it is too likely, but he might try to take some of the heat off himself by trying to blame me.
Lastly, if he wanted to hurt me or had the cops come out for some other reason and my raccoon is found, he would be taken away and probably killed.
I'm going to get a hunting license as I think the new law is that you may have one (whole live animals or parts of dead ones) legally as long as they aren't sold or exhibited. That is a new loophole that will allow me to have him legally. Before, it was only allowed for fur farms to kill them for fur, canned hunts where some lazy hunter wants to kill something in a large enclosed area from which it is very hard for an animal to escape, or for meat (very, very small market for raccoon meat). The government kills lots too and it seems like there is little or no restriction on hunting them.
That is fucked up - killing them often after miserable confinement or agony in a leg hold trap is perfectly okay, but someone with lots of knowledge about raccoons and their behavior who takes great care of one that seems very happy is doing something wrong or is cruel (unlike killing them slowly or putting them in tiny cages in fur farms with little or no environmental enrichment or anything to reduce the risk of insanity from such deprivation - nothing cruel about that, right?). It is not logical to me. Some people think it is cruel to keep raccoons and many other animals, but I disagree. If you can provide an animal with what it needs to be healthy and happy, the government should keep there noses out of other peoples business. Anyway, having him taken away could push me to suicide.
The above part about raccoons is kind of off topic, but I left it because I think a lot of those rules are insane and it shows why I am afraid of my brother getting revenge like that.
I don't think my brother is going to harm or get rid of either of my pets out of dislike of them or revenge against me, but the worry is there. He has been in a lot of physical fights and last time he was here, he kicked dogs when mad and knocked my bird off the top of my bedroom door with a broom on purpose twice (my room that I did not have to let him and his girlfriend use). The bird fell straight down once and managed to get a bit of slow down for a soft landing the other, though he does not fly.
I have no tolerance for anyone who does anything mean or cruel to my pets (or any animal, humans included, of course).
This post has a lot of negative feelings, fears, and thoughts about my brother and may sound harsh. I feel bad about saying these things about him, but it is correct or at least he pretends to be like that. That said, he can be a really good person, he is intelligent, and I do love him.
I yelled and said mean things after the incident with my bird shortly ago and now I feel bad about that. I hope I don't cause him to leave and go back to prison, but the more I think, the more I expect that this will happen - he is already wanting to do some things that could send him back.
If I start feeling overwhelmed and thinking of doing anything stupid, I'll try to find someone to talk with - probably on bluelight and maybe elsewhere.
I don't see why I am reacting so bad about this. There is some more to this I did not include in the post as it is long enough already.
Here are the fears and worries that I keep thinking about related to this:
I fear for my brother getting back in prison
A greater fear is that he'll talk me into doing something I'll end up locked away for
He will kill, injure, or emotionally traumatize one of my pets (maybe my biggest concern)
With his occasional barely controllable anger, he might hurt someone or destroy property (he likes to fight)
He was drinking 20-30 beers per day before he went back to prison last time and now there is something wrong with his liver - hope he'll be okay and he stays away from booze.
He has been out maybe 5 or 6 days - I think my brother will improve if he stays out of trouble for a while but it could take time. Maybe another week of being out of that horrendous environment of prison will be enough to start him fitting back into society and functioning more normally.
