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breaking

Mellabopper

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 16, 2000
Messages
3,811
Location
Boston
i give others advice
tell them to keep their heads up
tell them everything will be okay
i make sure they find a smile again
tell them to remember the good things about life
and how its worth living
i find myself writing words to others
words that i'm not sure i believe myself
to keep on going?
that everything will work out all right?
do they even know how empty some of these words are?
words that i dont even live by
its all just a lie
all this time i have watched out for others
but who is watching out for me?
i slowly give them my own strength
and i'm left weakened
fragile
ready to break
with nowhere to go
no one to turn to
alone
in this hell i have created for myself
and i'm not sure i'll ever leave this place
i'm in too deep
and i stay silent
telling nothing to no one
and they dont even know.
they dont even know
how much it hurts
how much i'm ready
to break
2-27-01
Mellabopper
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animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"
"damn the man, save the empire!" - empire records
Corruption is key.
 
Whoa there, sparky. You *know* you can talk to me, mel. I know what you are saying in that piece though. I've been there many a time. Too many times.
I can't get on IM at work, but shoot me an e-mail if you need to and I'll talk to you tonight? NO SLANTY FACE FOR YOU!
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Mel..I know we honestly don't talk much...but honestly I've been here WAY to much. I've been in this EXACT same position for 3 years now. Giving to much to to many people and not getting anything back. And it always seems they come back becausse they knoow you'll be there with your gentle heart and kind words. Even though they don't know far to often you're falling apart yourself..but anyway...if you ever want to talk..I'm here...*keep your head up sweetie*
Dymnd
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[email protected]
 
Mel,
I was reading each word of this poem like you had reached into my mind six months ago and pulled out every single thought. i used to think that pushing people away and just dealing with everyone else's shit would make mine go away, or maybe i wouldn't notice it as much, but unfortunately it's was still there.
but happy words, i have to say that life is 10 million times better now. it does get better <----doesn't that sound like bullshit
but it's truth, my dear. i know it's hard, and i know sometimes being depressed is easier than actually dealing with things and making them better.
i am always here, even across an ocean. drop me an email, anything, because i know exactly what you are talking about. you are loved and remember that. when you're ready there are lots of people that would like for you to lean on them, just as they lean on you.
love,
susan
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Ragman by Walter Wangerin, Jr.
I saw a strange sight. I stumbled upon a story most strange, like nothing in my life, my street sense, my sly tongue had ever prepared me for.
Hush, child. hush now, and I will tell it to you.
Even before the dawn one Friday morning I noticed a young man, handsome and strong, walking the alleys of our City. He was pulling an old cart filled with clothes both bright and new, and he was calling in a clear tenor voice: 'Rags!' Ah, the air was foul and the first light filthy to be crossed by such sweet music.
'Rags! New rags for old! I tak your tired rags! Rags!'
'Now this is a wonder,' I thought to myself, for the man stood six-feet-four, and his arms were like tree limbs, hard and muscular, and his eyes flashed intelligence. Could he find no better job than this, to be a ragman in the inner city?
I followed him. My curiosity drove me. And I wasn't disappointed.
Soon the ragman saw a woman sitting on her back porch. She was sobbing into a handkerchief, signing, and shedding a thousand tears. Her knees and elbows made a sad X. Her shoulders shook. Her heart was breaking.
The Ragman stopped his cart. Quietly, he walked to the woman, stepping round tin cans, dead toys, and Pampers.
'Give me your rag,' he said gently. 'and I'll give you another.'
He slipped the handkerchief from her eyes. She looked up, and he laid across her palm a linen cloth so clean and new that it shined. She blinked from the gift to the giver.
Then, as he began to pull his cart again, the Ragman did a strange thing: he put her stained handkerchief to his own face; and then he began to weep, to sob as grievously as she had done, his shoulders shaking. Yet she was left without a tear.
'This is a wonder,' I breathed to myself, and I followed the sobbing Ragman like a child who cannot turn away from mystery.
'Rags! Rags! New Rags for old!"
In a little while, when the sky showed grey behind the rooftops and I could see the shredded curtains hanging out black windows, the Ragman came upon a girl whose head was wrapped in a bandage, whose eyes were empty. Blood soaked her bandage. A single line of blood ran down her cheek.
Now the tall Ragman looked upon this child with pity, and he drew a lovely yellow bonnet from his cart.
'Give me your rag,' he said, tracing his own line on her cheek, 'and I'll give you mine.'
The child could only gaze at him while he loosened the bandage, removed it, and tied it to his own head. The bonnet he set on hers. And I gasped at what I saw: for with the bandage went the wound! Against his brow it ran a darker, more substantial blood -- his own!
'Rags! Rags! I take old rags!' cried the sobbing, bleeding, strong, intelligent Ragman.
The sun hurt both the sky, now, and my eyes; the Ragman seemed more and more to hurry.
'Are you going to work?' he asked a man who leaned against a telephone pole. The man shook his head. The Ragman pressed him: 'Do you have a job?"
'Are you crazy?' sneered the other. He pulled away from the pole, revealing the right sleeve of his jacket -- flat, the cuff stuffed into the pocket. He had no arm.
'So,' said the Ragman. 'Give me your jacket, and I'll give you mine.'
So much quiet authority in his voice!
The one-armed man took off his jacket. So did the Ragman -- and I trembled at what I saw: for the Ragman's arm stayed in its sleeve, and when the other put it on, he had two good arms, thick as tree limbs; but the Ragman had only one.
'Go to work,' he said.
After that he found a drunk, lying unconscious beneath an army blanket, an old man, hunched, wizened, and sick. He took that blanket and wrapped it round himself, but for the drunk he left new clothes.
And now I had to run to keep up with the Ragman. Though he was weeping uncontrollably, and bleeding freely at the forehead, pulling his cart with one arm, stumbling for drunkenness, falling again and again, exhausted, old, old, and sick, yet he went with terrible speed. On spider's legs he skittered through the alleys of the City, this mile and the next, until he came to its limits, and then he rushed beyond.
I wept to see the change in this man. I hurt to see his sorrow. And yet I need to see where he was going in such haste, perhaps to know what drove him so.
The little old Ragman -- he came to a landfill. He came to the garbage pits. And I waited to help him in what he did but I hung back, hiding. He climbed a hill. With tormented labor he cleared a little space on that hill. Then he signed. He lay down. He pillowed his head on a hankerchief and a jacket. He covered his bones with an army blanket. And he died.
Oh how I cried to witness that death! I slumped in a junked car and wailed and mourned as one who has no hope -- because I had come to love the Ragman. Every other face had faded in the wonder of this man, and I cherished him; but he died. I sobbed myself to sleep.
I did not know -- how could I know? -- that I slept through Friday night and Saturday and its night too.
But then, on Sunday morning, I was wakened by a violence.
Light -- pure, hard, demanding light -- slammed against my sour face, and I blinked, and I looked, and I saw the first wonder of all. There was the Ragman, folding the blanket most carefully, a scar on his forehead, but alive! And, besides that, healthy! There was no sign of sorrow or age, and all the rags that he had gathered shined for cleanliness.
Well, then I lowered my head and, trembling for all that I had seen, I myself walked up to the Ragman. I told him my name with shame, for I was a sorry figure next to him. Then I took off all my clothes in that place, and I said to him with dear yearning in my voice: 'Dress me."
He dressed me. My Lord, he put new rags on me, and I am a wonder beside him. The Ragman, the Ragman, the Christ!
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Vegetables? Thats what food eats!
Analogy- The scientific study of the human asshole.
 
I feel like throughout my life I have been felt the pain of everyone else. Many times other peoples pain was physically projected on me. Like you said, It made me strong. Yes Mel, I am 19 years old and I have been through so much. I have so much insight I can help others. I know how to listen and I know what answer to give so that light may once again shine. But I sit in the dark. WHo will save me? WHy can't anyone tell that something is wrong. Do I have to eat these pills so they will know?
Mel I was woken up today at 5pm(I stood up all night) by my girlfriend crying her eyes out. One of her friends commited suicide. No one knew what was wrong. We have become so good at being strong for everyone else and worrying about them that it has become impossible to let anyone know. Mel are we friends? I want you to seriously answer that. Because the fact that you dont talk to me says no. I am here for you, if you'd only let me be...
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Vegetables? Thats what food eats!
Analogy- The scientific study of the human asshole.
 
Thanx for cheering me up Mell..
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*~"Yeah, last night I had a pill that was cut with cocaine, heroin, specks of platinum and pure gold, diamonds, ground up 100 dollar bills, raccoon poison, worm entrails, fairy dust, Folgers, chicken feet, duck bills, Jason Priestly's spermitazoa, 8-track Diana Ross albums from 1972-1974, cheeseburger rinds and condom wrappers."~*
 
I feel as tho you wrote this poem for me. I am the one who is always there to pick people up when they are down but when I am down who is there for me? Will anyone ever be there for me? That was a beautiful picece of work and I hope that you find happiness soon. It looks to me like you really do have many people to turn to, maybe they just need to know you need them.
 
mell your talent and word never go un-noticed or appreciated you are much loved
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" Stay with me just for today and let your soul come rest for a minute. "
 
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