Breaking your own rules

[xburtonchic]

I made up this little questionnaire because... well, so many people say they'll never do ___ and then they end up doing it. I think breaking rules someone else sets out for you is one thing (since it's basically human nature to want to do things that other people tell you are forbidden), but breaking your own rules are a different story and there is usually a more personal, psychological influence behind doing so. From drugs to stealing to getting pregnant to breaking up with someone to something as simple as eating a food. It can be anything, really. It doesn't have to be about drugs. I just made this thread because I'm interested in what other people have experienced and what they think.

So... What's a promise of yours, to yourself, that you have broken?
Why did you tell yourself you'd never do it to begin with?
What led you to break that promise?
How did you feel about it afterwards/consequences?

My promise to myself was that I would never do crack or heroin, and also that I would ESPECIALLY never, ever take any sort of drug intravenously. I'd heard the horror stories, I'd seen what it can do to people from shows like Intervention and stories on BL and Erowid and etc., I didn't want to be another statistic, and I didn't want to be a part of the stigma associated with those two drugs. I always thought they were like, the Kings Of All Drugs (although I now give meth that title), so I promised this to myself when I very first started experimenting with drugs, and I held on to that promise and my reasons behind it quite strongly. Never did crack, never will - I hate stimulants - but I broke my heroin and IV rules at the same time. To top it all off, I shared the needle with my friend. Which was basically like a triple broken promise to myself, even though I made him show me proof that he had been tested recently and he was clear. But it was the principal of the thing. As to why I broke that promise... I was watching him shoot up like I always do, which normally has no effect on me other than mild curiosity... let's just say that some really fucked up shit has happened to me recently that almost killed me, and might as well have since it basically left me dead inside anyway. And on that day, my mental state was particularly bad, I was caught in a moment of weakness, and so I blurted out without thinking for him to fix me up with a shot. And he did, and once I decide I'm going to do something, I always follow through, so that was that. As for how I felt afterwards... well, the initial rush was amazing anyway, although he gave me a little too much so the actual high sucked... and I was hungover the next day... but I didn't feel guilty or anything. What I felt was a little bit better about my situation, because I didn't think about it at all for an entire two days and it erased all of my anxiety during those two days as well, which is normally an ongoing relentless thing. Maybe I felt a little shocked with myself for actually doing it. But the only thing I actually felt guilty about was the fact that I shared a needle and how fucking stupid it was to do that, even if I knew the person was clean.

No one is perfect, not even me. I'm sure we all have a similar story like that, but with different details. I'm interested in hearing other people's experiences with breaking promises to themselves and how it made them feel afterwards and why... I like psychology I guess... and really, who am I to judge anyone? So feel free to share yours if you're comfortable with it.

 

[szuko000]

Thats the one thing i did learn from using opiates, rules are meant to be broken. I remember when i first started doing 30s "never more then once a week" that was broken. Then of course "never twice in a row" broke that. Broke the never doing heroin. followed by the never shooting up, never pawning my shit, never overdrafting, always paying my bills all broken. I would say i broke them all in lightning speed too, like once heroin and i met i owed it as much as destroying my life in a sense. Its hasnt fully but it will if i give it the time it wants.

Not that it matters i was born to a middle class suburban family. My parents only wanted the best and did everything they could to give me the life they never had in the inner city. The childhood their parents couldnt give them. They moved out with the idea that our lives wouldnt be like the ones they saw but you cant hide from the streets forever i suppose. I got out of college started doing opiates started shooting and i dont know.

My point is dont make rules youll break them and get upset. You set goals, you fail you still try. Never say never because you cant plan like that.

And i suppose the great irony is i watched my dealer shoot up when we met. This foriegn act ive seen a handful of people do. I thought arg shooting that so odd and alien why would you do that. Now i smoke crack and shoot up like its nothing. The phase "yo i heard he was a crackhead" pertaining to someones trustworthiness is like going "man he smokes weed once in a while"

 

[Anomaly88]

Never do drugs, never do anything but smoke weed, never pop pills, never lose my self respect, never lose faith, never lose hope, never doing heroin, never do coke, never pawning my shit, never getting addicted, never end up like that.... Once i got hooked on dope i lost all respect for myself and just said fuck it.

 

[Dave]

I've heard a little saying once, that comes to mind: Whenever God wants a laugh, he listens for people saying "I'll never..."

Despite the theist overtone, I think that the message of the saying is a good comment on human nature. It's easy to set 'rules' and such for ourselves when we're young and secure, but we have no way of predicting the circumstances of our lives. Rules like that tend to give a binary view on life (i.e. black and white), when life is anything but. There are certain things that I know that I'll never do, except in extremis, like kill a person, but that doesn't mean that if the conditions were such that it needed to happen, then I dont' know how I would behave. Ideally, such a situation would never come up, and I hope that that will be how my life plays out, but we have no ways of really seeing what will happen, and I think that adhering to black-and-white rules can lead to unneccessary guilt.

 

[DexterMeth]

^Well put.

I'm saving enlightenment for when I'm dead.

 

[Znegative]

I swore I would never use heroin, I did. When I was sniffing heroin, I swore I'd never shoot it, well what do you know, six months later I'm shooting heroin,in rehab no less. I then swore that I'd never sell my things, 3 guitars, 2 iPods, a number of effects pedals, a video camera, and my laptop are now either in a pawn shop, are sitting on one of my dealers shelves. I swore I would never share needles/cookers, all I can say is thankfully I don't have HIV or Hep C, it truly is a miracle.

Addiction breaks down every barrier you put before it.

 

[itsok]

I have broken almost all of the rules mentioned (except killing someone). And Im still breaking little rules, or guidelines, as I am trying to stop h/opiates forever, which is seemingly impossible for me. I go from chipping and then having a no more than 3 days in a row rule, to no breaking a particular scamming law, to doing what I can to feel better, even if I am not even w/d (but just mentally uncomfortable). At year 10, I kind of feel hopeless or hope it will just ride out. I have actually been using less than my peak, but that isnt really an accomplishment.

 

[DexterMeth]

I swore I would never use heroin, I did. When I was sniffing heroin, I swore I'd never shoot it, well what do you know, six months later I'm shooting heroin,in rehab no less. I then swore that I'd never sell my things, 3 guitars, 2 iPods, a number of effects pedals, a video camera, and my laptop are now either in a pawn shop, are sitting on one of my dealers shelves. I swore I would never share needles/cookers, all I can say is thankfully I don't have HIV or Hep C, it truly is a miracle.

Addiction breaks down every barrier you put before it.

The only barrier it hasn't broken down is my middle finger. That still works, and I now use it against my addiction.

 

[Battyboi69]

Never do drugs, never do anything but smoke weed, never pop pills, never lose my self respect, never lose faith, never lose hope, never doing heroin, never do coke, never pawning my shit, never getting addicted, never end up like that.... Once i got hooked on dope i lost all respect for myself and just said fuck it.

i guess although methadone is shit if you can get on a maintainance script it does allow you to use when practical and not go selk/steal everyting. Still rules are a throwback to some biblical shit or school. As adults we know what is morally right and stay within our self percieved bounderies even if these appear outside society. Its like some people think cha guvara (sp) is a freedom fighter and others say hes a butcher. Its all about your moral viewpoint.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

after my last WD from ... every class of drug there is, a 3 months WD of hell. Each day worse. No sleep, constant pain, constant shacking, PARNOIA like you can't even make up in your head. I doubt most people could of made it. I did. I made it 9months at which point I felt just good enough to trick my self into breaking my promise of never drinking.

Even though I was never a alcholic I did get addicted to drinking by simple force of will. I made my self drink every day untill I got addicted then couldn't stop because WD is ... beyond what I knew. I thought FENT/OX wd was worst... no.... booze is horrible.. just horrible. 3 months I couldn't pick up a cup from the shacking.. 3 months ... omg. I swore I swore to everyone no more drugs no drinking NEVERRR...

then bath salts came out. legal mdpv at the store omg! I had done mdpv but bathsalts. well.. I never bought bath salts but it put drugs in the brain again then I drank I got caught up in it. I might of died but my roomate felt pits and got me dope to get me through the WD. it worked. I made it again. Im alive. but now i can't get dope off the head. its all I think about now.

Sure it got me past the WD of booze but it may of planted a seed of posin. it may end up being my undoing. I know that the next time I do meth may be the time that breaks me mentally. This last time I got so parnoid I fell alseep thinking I was dead. I woke up in the AM not knowing who I was. took twenty min to know I was me and I was alive. Some how after 6 days of not sleeping I bounce back amazing Im doing amazing.

My new thing is I don't promise what I know I will break. I swore to not drink. But thats all I can swear.

 

[xburtonchic]

Interesting responses in here.

Like, hitting an artery was an experience straight out of hell. We were using my hand, my friend accidentally hit an artery, and halfway through plunging, she might as well have been injecting lighter fluid and then setting it on fire... with some Drano to top it all off. She asked me if it hurt and so she took it out immediately. Thank God I had told her to go slow and only half of it had gone in. The second I tried standing up, a panic attack hit. The most intense panic attack ever, I could hear my heart POUNDING in my head, my pulse was erratic, I couldn't breathe, I was dizzy, I thought I was going to die, I was aggravated, the works. I thought it was because the dope was bad, but my friends quickly figured out that part of it was a panic attack and made me take a few benzo's. After a half hour of that hell - literally, I couldn't even walk because I was so shaky - it finally went away. But over the course of the next hour, my entire hand was a painful, swollen balloon. I refused to go to the hospital despite my friends' protests, although it would have been nice, but I'm not one to not stick it out unless I know I'm at death's door. And it did go away... three days later. But it was still the scariest experience I have ever had with a drug. Yet here I am, not even a week later, thinking it would be fun to have some dope right now.

Since I'm sure I'll end up doing it again anyway (after thoroughly researching where each and every artery is in the body), Dave's quote is rather amusing to me right now. It's sad but it's true, and that's what makes it kind of funny. Humans are fickle beings. You might say something one day and truly mean it then, but days, even minutes later, your resolve will change. I guess rules are never as black and white as they seem after all.

 

[Tynkk]

I guess the original "rule" I had for myself was that I wouldn't use anything. I used to be a pretty hardcore distance runner, so I wouldn't dream of doing anything that would screw up my training. Then my foot got all messed up, long story short: 5k in hospital bills and no diagnosis later my attitude was "Meh. I'm not getting better, and there's nothing else I really care about. Whatever." Haven't really set any rules for myself after that. No krokodil. But that's about it.