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breaking up with NA

simco

simco

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Aug 20, 2014
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Hoping folks might have some advice on a delicate matter.

As some of you know, I've been active in my local NA groups for about the last four months. It took me a while, but I did finally get a sponsor, about a month ago. During all of this time, I've been very involved in my home group and in close contact with my sponsor.

But also during this period, I have continued to relapse repeatedly. The reasons for this are complicated, and I don't think they bear directly on this issue (though I'm happy to expand if folks ask). Over time it has become clear to me that at least at this point in my life, I simply don't want to be a part of NA: it's not good for my recovery. Again, elaborations available on request.

For now, the important point is that I'm trying to figure out how to end my relationship with NA, at least for now. I don't want to burn unnecessary bridges. And many of the folks I met there are really nice and well-meaning. In particular, there's my sponsor: he and I didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. But he was really generous with his time and compassion. Who knows, at some point down the road, maybe my circumstances will change, and NA will seem viable to me; I'd hate to have made a bunch of bad will with an ungraceful exit.

Right now I'm in a bit of a holding pattern: I told folks that I needed a few days off in order to gather my thoughts. They didn't like this, but couldn't say much.

As I see it, I could do either of the following:
1. just bolt and don't look back. maybe i'm being narcissistic to think they'd even notice or care if i'm not there. and besides I don't really "owe" them anything.

2. tell my sponsor that I'm leaving and let him pass it along to the group if he wants.

I'm leaning towards option 2 and delivering the news by email or text. My hesitation (and my preference for remote interaction) is due to the fact that things have gotten really tense interpersonally over this issue, and I'm afraid I won't be clear if I try to talk to him in person or even on the phone.

So, BL friends... any thoughts on the etiquette here? I just want to put this drama behind me and get on with my recovery. I don't want to be cowardly in my exit. But I also don't want to put myself in a situation that will potentially trigger a lot of bad emotion (which is a quick path to relapse for me).

Any advice would be MUCH appreciated. Thanks.
-Sim
 
Hey Sim
Hi! Glad to see you posting again... I will pm you tomorrow... some temporary, but big changes are occurring to my lifestyle right now.. mostly all good.
Anyway, as you know, my first time in recovery, I had 10 years in the rooms of AA, CA, and some NA. So, I do have a little bit of experience.

First of all, you sound a little scared to tell your sponsor that you need a break from NA...if that is true, what is that about? (You don't have to tell me, just kind of reflect on it). Does he trigger issues with authority figures, or is he controlling? This is your recovery, and right wrong or neutral, it is your decision to make how you do your recovery.
If you are more comfortable telling him via email, then go that route.
I would keep it simple, for example, thank him for all the help and support, tell him you learned a lot; however, you are going to take some time to work your recovery through other avenues.
One thing I had to learn while in the rooms of the 12 steppers is how to set healthy boundaries, and I went to my therapist to learn that. Remember I told you it got creepy in CA b/c it turned out a lot of people switched addictions and became sex addicts, and some were charged with child abuse, etc., so I just left. Enough was enough. And yes, I now pop into a meeting I find very non threatening, it is an AA/Alanon meeting mixed together, I go a couple times a year.
DO NOT LET THEM SHAME OR GUILT YOU INTO RELAPSING...

I am sure you heard these sayings that float around the rooms, "Your opinion of me is none of my business"; "when I want your opinion on how I do recovery, I will give it to you." Again, thank him give him a genuine complement on the work together, tell him you are exploring other avenues of recovery (use your own language), and that is it. This way, there is no negativity, so you do not burn any bridges... you are making it about you, not him. Anyway, take what you want, and leave the rest. Peace, M.
 
Hi there simco
NA is based on its anonymity. They don't owe you anything, and you don't owe them anything. I'm sure in your months attending meetings that you have seen folks come and go. I do think you owe it to your sponsor to let him know you are taking some time away, but as far as the meetings themselves, I think you just stop attending. That way if you ever decide you would like to come back, you just do. There will always be personality conflicts in NA

if you are leaving because you don't want complete abstinence, then maybe you tell your sponsor that. He should at least appreciate your honesty. If you are leaving because you don't like someone, you will probably find that in every social situation, personalities will clash and there will be conflict. There could be a lesson in that if you are open.

I think you are right though, there is no need to burn bridges. You don't want to feel awkward if you ever wish to return. If you put in writing. Your fdeli gs about the reasons you are leating, you might regret it later

im not really good at giving advice, but I have spent some time in NA meetings over the years, as my brother had a home group, hels a service position, and was very committed. I know the good, the bad and the ugly.

May I ask if you plan on staying clean?
i do hope everythingis ok.. C
 
I've been in and out of participation in NA for many years. Usually I just back off for a while and then quickly get the message. But, if you just tell them that you're on your own path right now, that you appreciate their help and maybe your journey to recovery will lead you back one day. They'll likely be fine with that. If not, just stop going and let them think you've gone back to drugs. I've done if a few times and always been welcome back when I've sincerely come back to seek help. You and I are far from the first not to make it the NA way the first attempt.
 
First off, thanks SO much, everyone for the good suggestions and kind concern. My plan at this point is to let my sponsor know, in as un-dramatic a way as possible, that I'm going to take some time away. I'll post a follow-up on this thread if anything interesting happens after I do.

A couple of you asked questions that I'd like to answer...

@poke, you're right it does sound like i'm scared of my sponsor. i'm not, though. he's a super nice guy. but he is old-school and hardcore about recovery (his words). i know that once i open this can of worms, i'm going to be arguing with The Program as much as i'm arguing with him. i'll say a bit more about this in the last bit of this post.

@imtryin, yes, i *absolutely* plan to keep working on my recovery. i learned some important stuff at NA, particularly how important it is to be committed to recovery. for now i've switched over to the online SMART recovery forums. it's not the same as f2f meetings, but it's better than nothing. and of course there's the BL sober living forum :).

all of this makes me a bit sad. i liked the feeling of having a community of support in NA. and i liked many of the individuals i met at meetings. but with that said, my involvement with NA was moving in a direction that was more harmful than helpful. the very short version is that somehow i got a reputation locally for being arrogant/prideful and lacking the Spiritual Principles of open-mindedness and willingness. this was hurtful on its own. but over time it got more pernicious, to the point where i felt that following the advice of my sponsor or others in my home group would involve "surrendering" the few parts of myself that i actually like. feel free to PM me if you'd like a fuller story, but be warned: it's not as interesting as it might sound.

as JessFR said, it may well happen that in the future i'll be in a place where NA makes sense for me again. i think this all sounds like it will leave the door open for that.

ok, onward to face day 22.

thanks again, folks!
-Sim
 
in case anyone is looking at this thread, i thought i'd put a bow on it by telling you how things turned out.

kind of an anti-climax, but in a good way: i crafted an email to my sponsor along the lines of what folks here suggested. he texted me with a very nice message acknowledging what i'd said. i'm pretty sure he relayed the info to his sponsor (who is a big personality in my home group), because he called me on the phone. as luck would have it, i was in a meeting a work when he called, so i simply returned to find his missed call (no voicemail). so far, end of story.

i am still a bit sad: there were many good things about being involved with NA. ironically, one of those was learning that i have to "guard my recovery" at all times, in all ways... for now that means stepping back from involvement with them. props to them for being gracious about it.

thanks again for the advice/concern.

-Sim

PS, for now i'm trying out the online SMART recovery meetings. i don't like the online format, but we can't have everything in life, and SMART seems much more viable for my situation than NA did.
 
Hey sim
I sensed your sadness on leaving what was obviously a somewhat inspiring community.
Is there any way you can go and take what is good in your life and leave the rest?
i mean, the only requirement for NA membership is a desire to stop using. There are no other rules ( other than bringing in drugs or paraphanilia)-it might be hard if you are a strong personality-but if you can respect the opinion of others and let them have them, perhaps you can enjoy the rest of what you likid about it.
Just a thought. It seems nice that you didn't have to be alone. People in NA don't have to agree with everything you do to help you, support you, and like you....and vice versa for you
anyway, I keep you in my thoughts
peace
 
Hey Sim, I'm glad that you feel good about the change. The best thing is that you are willing to make a change that feels necessary for yourself. Things may change again, you may want to revive your participation somewhere down the line but for now at least, you looked at things clearly and decided on the best course for you. That's what recovery is all about. I also really admire the way you were considerate of others. Says a lot about you. Many people can't split from a group without vilifying it and that does no one any good.

I wish SMART would gain some momentum. I looked into becoming a group leader but then decided I just really do not have the time right now. They charge a small fee and you get the training online but they are always looking for people to take it so that they can increase their physical groups as that is one of the biggest challenges they face in being a viable alternative community of support. Let us know how it goes as time goes on with the online group-- I'm really curious and I know a lot of other folks probably are, too.

Wishing you the very best,
<3
herby
 
thanks, herby and imtryin. your support means a lot. i may well go back to NA meetings in the future. we'll see how things look with a little more time.

i'll keep folks posted as to how the online SMART recovery thing pans out.

all i know for sure is that i'm not going to use today.
peace,
Sim
 
Just politely tell (or text / email) your sponsor that you just aren't ready and let him tell whomever he sees fit to tell that to. Then simply quit going to meetings. Simple, really. Your sponsor and ex-fellow NA members shouldn't really be mad. After all, don't they say in meetings sometimes, "The program is not for those who need it; it is for those who want it" (an NA slogan)? Therefore, if you don't want it, it must not be right for you! :)
 
NA doesn't really owe you anything nor you to it, I would just tell your sponsor. Remember you can always come back. Hate to point this out, but people drop out all the time. Especially those with not a ton of clean time and/or people relapsing. It will likely just be accepted by everyone.

One of the biggest things I have learned about the 12 steps is it is not about totally rigid application, but it is about finding how it works for you. Of course, in order to do that you have to go to meetings, work steps, be of service and get involved. What you do not have to do is tailor your program to what works for others.

I did basically exactly what you did (including even the online SMART meetings) and ended up going back out for two years. Then I realized that the best success I had was with the 12 steps as part of my recovery.

As for your reputation, if people think that then so be it. I am sure they were not angels when they came around and probably are not still. When you talk to your sponsor, bring up all of these issues. Don't be afraid to talk to some other members as well. Don't let some assholes push you out if you do not want to go, it seems like overall you like the support.
 
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thanks, Phactor. what i ended up doing was telling my sponsor and one other guy (my sponsor's sponsor). i told my sponsor for the obvious reason: i felt i owed him at least an honest parting for now. the other guy is kind of a father figure in my tiny town's NA scene. he's a good enough guy, but he also *talks*, so i knew if i told him, word would get around.

i've had a few nice phone calls since this all went down. the door is definitely still open. so if i can figure out a way to make it work for me, i think it's likely i'll go back. (thanks for relating that bit about your history... kind of gave me chills... i.e. i hope i don't go back out).

for what it's worth, it's been six days now since i was at a meeting, and so far i've managed to stay clean. ...or at least clean-ish ;). no heroin, and that's the thing that matters to me.

last thing i'll mention on this topic: i had been feeling really uneasy in NA for about a month and couldn't figure out why. then i read Lance Dodes' book, The Sober Truth, and a lot of my free-floating anxiety suddenly made sense. be forewarned, the book is a total screed against 12-step programs. i'm not advocating for or against it. but i *can* say that i really identify with some of the people he interviewed while writing the book.
 
I know people who once they got sober stopped going to AA/NA, and these people are still sober. But AA and NA are not always meant to be life-long groups or things that someone who gets sober has to go to or attend for the rest of their life weekly, daily, etc.
 
I have difficulty with NA as well, and I find it difficult to identify why. I feel relief more than anything when the meetings finish, and I find myself zoning out and becoming somewhat agitated with repetitive shares and the psuedo-negraving which seems to be so ingrained in NA culture.

Do people think maybe the 12-step model doesn't fit for narcotics as seamlessly as they might have us believe because of the prohibition of drugs? I mean, alcohol is legal and there is considerably less stigma attached to moderate alcohol use than there is to recreational narcotic use. I know we go there because we aren't moderate users....but the program was designed by Bill W a long time ago and I can't help but ponder whether there's a fundamental flaw in applying the same ethos to a legal drug as there is to illegal ones, especially when so many of us have lived by the code of silence, been to jail, committed crimes and so on....

Any thoughts greatly appreciated.

Peace :)
 
I have to say recovery is a journey of self discovery. Find what works for you. It is as individual as why we became addicted and our patterns of use. There is no one size fits all treatment, and everyone in meetings is different.

Here are the things I don't like about meetings.
1. there are too many cliques.
2. active king-making in groups.
3. people spouting platitudes and slogans without appreciating what they mean.
4. people comparing your story instead of contrasting your story.
5. court ordered people that don't actually want to achieve sobriety.

Here are the things I enjoy about meetings
1. fellowship...there are also many good people in meetings that actually have good advice.
2. when you meet a good sponsor that you really feel comfortable with. It took me a few people to find my current sponsor.
3. when you have that "a-ha!" moment when someone is sharing, and can empathize their thoughts in your own story.
4. being of service to other addicts (this, I feel, is the most salient point of NA).
5. learning to take an inventory using rigorous honesty (self discovery and understanding your part in things).
6. some groups are extremely safe environments that you can actually talk about your problems and fears comfortably.

Here is what works to keep me sober. I keep in contact with my sponsor. I help other addicts through the person that bailed me out of jail (my bail bondswoman calls me and gives me addicts numbers and if they want to talk I make it a comfortable forum and share my experiences) I am working with two addicts she bailed out as of now. I always will listen and talk and give advice for those just leaving jail and wanting to achieve sobriety. I have taken up hobbies that I find therapeutic. I attend meetings every once in awhile to keep active in the fellowship and be of service to other addicts (helping the newcomer). I see a therapist and take my meds as prescribed.

Some meetings are very cult like and extremely rigid. I would try lots of meetings and go when you need it. Try different sponsors till you find one you like. The most important thing is; find what works for you. That is paramount to staying sober.
 
When it comes to using AA/NA/etc, that is very good advice chef.

And it someone wants to try something along with or in place of AA/NA, that's also a good idea. It's all about finding what works for you in the journey, discovery as was said. The journey is challenging too, but frankly I think I struggled the most in getting going in the right direction. Took a couple years for me frankly, but it's really nice to feel and know I'm doing well and am well on my way now.
 
Well, speaking as a person who has bolted over the years and told everyone I would suggest telling your sponser. But even if you don't and just bolt you'll get nothing but hugs if you come back. I recently had to have talk with my sponser that I'm not really into it anymore and I'm gonna ease up and he was really cool. I think so many people have the idea that recovery rooms are filled with old people who yell a lot, lol. Either way you go bro you can always go back. I prob left and came back to AA 20 times in last 9 years. I'm just trying some other things now but those programs work man. Good luck to ya and I hope you make it, either way
 
Sim, hey how are you? Just my thoughts on this-NA is supposed to be an unconditional type thing. Such as, if you and I were in the same group, and you told me you were leaving...I'd be sad, and tell you. Not bitch you out-as that is counterproductive. If you came back, I'd be thrilled and greet you with a hug.

I learned this from being treated this way once by a friend...I was homeless. I went to this friend, asked if I could stay with him, looking like a rag-picker I might add, and no questions asked, he let me stay with him. I have never forgotten that.

I'm not a huge NA person, not for any reason other than I feel pressured by rigid step work. I feel like I'm a failure...like I didn't get that spiritual breakthrough I should've, things like that. But I do love more un-conventional settings...that is fundamentally working the steps actually-but in a more relaxed way.

Whatever it is that is causing you to relapse-you sound intelligent, and experienced. I'm glad it turned out well...that shit really stresses me out too. I mean not wanting to disappoint people I really like.
 
Manboychef, that was a great post. I liked the part about helping other addicts. I get calls a lot from dudes in the program and it feels great to help them out and by calling me they help me out. It gets me out of my crazy head when I help. I was taught if you can't help one on one you help set up or clean up and do service work like that. I always stay late when I go to meetings. I'm going tonight cause I've been having a hard time with an issue and I need to go tell on myself. It's the only way this habit is gonna stop. I've been fortunate to have great sponsers and I have a yoda too. He's my best friend in program and I've worked thru steps with him and he knows me and calls me on my bullshit. But I have a love hate relationship with my program. I've left plenty of times and when I walked out of a meeting last week that was it. But I worked thru it with my sponser and I'm gonna keep going. It's not even about drinking or using anymore to me. It teaches me to live life in a proper way to get the most happiness I can out of life. Like I said, if you decide to go back you'll get nothing but hugs. That's it. Peace
 
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