Breakfast with David

Shortly here I should be meeting David for breakfast and I have so many fucking mixed feelings about the whole situation. David is a good friend of mine, the whole reason I went to treatment actually. He was the one when I was on my 4th day of kicking dope cold turkey said I looked like shit and gave me the choice of rehab and have his friendship or telling my whole family my habit and letting them deal with me. At least now I've been clean for a little while now though and I don't look like a hardcore junkie which tends to be my appearance after awhile of using.

----Update----​

Well I didn't get to write about how things went when I got back because my cousin came over and I ended up getting distracted with a bottle of alcohol...thank god I didn't get too hammered. I just drank a little to get my mind off all the memories and emotions that came up talking to him about shit...and it worked. Some would call this a relapse but I'm sorry to say it...my problem isn't with alcohol, it's with illegal drugs, mainly heroin. I have the control to say "just one drink" but I never could say "just one hit" or "just one shot".

While we were eating, it was somewhat awkward. It's like you see in the movies when the two people are trying so hard to have a conversation but they can't seem to really get one going. We were asking dumb questions like "how is the family" and it just wasn't what I was expecting. I can't say it was bad...but it could have been better. I had a feeling he knew I wasn't completely sober.

I'm not even sure to be quite honest. I think our friendship was ruined when I let him take me to rehab. Ever since I got out of treatment it hasn't been the same...but nothing has been really. It's like don't get me wrong, being sober has it's pro's and con's just like using but it feels like something is just missing.

Well I'm going to go have a smoke and eat breakfast now, I'm hungry as hell. Then I got to go to my suboxone doc and get a refill.

 

I'm not familiar with your situation....but I hope this went well.
Look forward to your update....

 

Thank you, it went a lot better then it could have. It still wasn't what I would have wanted it to be though. This was my good friend who took me to treatment, perhaps one of my only friends really which is why I value(d) him so much.

 

Well.....glad it went better than it could have.
Maybe now that you've had a chance to see each other again, it will give you the chance to renew your friendship????

 

Thanks. I am thankful too that it went good, honestly while I was driving to go meet him I was thinking it was going to be worse and too much emotions would come up causing me to get overwhelmed & break. In this case it would have been nothing more then an argument, but still I would like for our friendship to be strong and last. He had a huge impact on my addiction, even though I still use here and there it is nothing compared to when I was a hardcore addict so in a sense he really saved my life. Who would want to lose a good friend like that? Not even my family noticed my addiction so you can see why i value him so much.

I do hope that since we finally saw each other in person instead of the usual text every month or two that we start hanging our more frequently and have a stronger friendship because for some reason having him there as a close friend is like motivation for me to stay clean. I was sober for 4 months of everything...even alcohol when we did have a good friendship. It's when we fell apart that my using started becoming more frequent.

 

Well that is great that you are sober now.......
Try not to let any relationship bring you to that breaking point again though
I hope it works out for you guys and a stronger friendship can be formed......Sometimes it is those hard times that brings a tighter bond, ya know?
I look forward to the updates

 

It does feel good being sober. Especially when I was for that long period of time it really changed me back into a more positive person because I learned to face a deal with emotions properly instead of knocking myself out so I would forget...only to wake up and have it be no better. It really is a vicious cycle but any addict knows that.

I know I should try not to let relationships (of any kind) get me down and I'm learning to be more independent so I can be in control of my feelings entirely. Just being a loner most of my life I think that when I finally made a true good friend I let them in too much and gave them the power to hurt me. I do hope you are right and out friendship can be stronger then it was before. I will keep you updated.

So is there a name I can call you by other then Ocean? My name is Leroy.

 

^I would prefer not to give my name in Public......
But maybe privately.
Have you been in The Dark Side yet?
There are alot of people in similar situations as you there......
I think you may really like it......
If you haven't you might check it out.

 

Well perhaps we shall keep talking and in time I will have the privilege of knowing. You know, I haven't really been in The Dark Side yet. I have posted maybe a few times in there but never really looked through all the threads. I will check it out now that you mentioned it.

When you say people in my same situation, do you mean with my friendship?

 

I mean there are people there with the same sort of friendship situations, recovering users/alcoholics, (or wanting to recover) , loner type tendencies as you described....... We have a bit of everyone in there.
I think you would find a great sense of community there, like all of BL, but most in TDS do not use, so you will find it supportive of that lifestyle.

 

I need that kind of support, as I am really trying to get clean. I honestly want it, but I want to use too. Kind of like I'm torn, but I know which is right and better for me...I mean come on it's obvious.