bit of an update.
so after my last post we had a chat and she missed talking to me, we had a serious talk that afternoon and agreed to try to take things slow, and i understood how she felt overall.
over the last 2 weeks weve spent alot of time together, we took mdma a couple of times and really bonded, she had a sparkle in her eye and it was like we met for the first time again. I thought things are looking pretty good at the moment.
Then a few days ago we had a couple arguments about her mother looking after the kids one night and we would get to spend time together, in the end her mum didnt come through with the offer and i got abit angry and sad(i was half a bottle of wine in so that didnt fucking help..fuel to the fire) and we had an argument, she thought i was angry at her, which i wasnt i was frustrated and angry with her mum.
Also one of the nights we had sex on mdma i came in her vagina.. twice. and it turns out when she checked her period tracker app she was ovulating from a day or 2 before. I was really shocked, i was convinced shes pregnant(still waiting for her to get her period to see) and i said things like "i really dont think its a good idea to have another kid at the moment if you are" i mentioned to her if she should go on the pill and she reacted pretty badly to that, gave me a list of reasons as to why she didnt want to, weight gain, acne etc. Left the convosation on a real sour note and then said to me "youve put yourself back to sqaure one"
In recent days shes told me shes been fightning within herself, she feels like she just wants to be friends with me.
I accidently saw her phone and saw an old mate message her. I asked so your crush is with Corbin.. and she said yes, she didnt want to tell me because of what it will do to me. She said that the last 2 weeks shes been really trying with me, she stopped talking to corbin and ignoring his messages, but ulitmately under everything she did still think well "what if" and thats basically where qe are at at the moment.
Spoke a couple of hours ago, i spent the night at hers(no sex) shes clear she just wants to be friends but knows i feel more then that, and want what we had. she has more feelings towards corbin(i should add they met once at a bush doof while we were together 4 years ago and found him attractive) more feelings then she has for me, at the moment she says her feelings for me arnt there, thats not to say those feelings wont grow in time, its just extremely.. EXTREMELY hard to take. She said i need to be charming, which ive been trying, like ive really put alot ofenergy into the past 2 weeks to show her how much I care.
We spoke how its best to have a break of speaking, distance to let the heart grow fonder and relise we miss each other and want to be together. But my fear is if we stop talking(basically impossible having kids together we text everyday) she will have more time to think about him and not me, yeh maybe shell relise she wants me, but my feelings arnt good about that.
I spent the night with her last night, we cuddled and i could see she was sending long messages to someone, i asked who ot was and she had a pretty petty answer saying it was a friend and its nothing but I could just feel it, and her body language was speaking volumes. We did end up sorta passing out together untill we decided we need to get to bed (she sleeps with the kids in her bed)
knowing that its an old mate shes talking to, theyq talked about how they wanted to have sex(which turned her off immediately thats when she started messaging me more) and saying they both like each other.. its ripping me to peices.
She hasnt seen him in 4 years, theyre are no plans for them to meet up at the moment, shes been very honest. and he lives an hour away, and its hard for her to make plans with the kids etc. She says honestly its just friendly chat at the moment, nothing sexual has been spoken about since the night she was put off, they dont speak all day everyday, just here and there and they are just friends. The message i saw at 3pm feom him said "hows your day going" so i believe they dont talk all day everyday, but i believe theres more to it then just "friendly chat" if you say you like someone and they say the same thing back and then talk anout wanting to have sex, thats more then just friendly talk. Again, this was 2 or 3 weeks ago they spoke about that. She said she smiles when she gets a message from him aswell.
So i dont know what to do, i am absolutely riddled sick with anxiety, she has stronger feelings for him then me at the moment, she says there is a part of her that wants hang onto me because we have a family but right now she dosent have those same feelings, so its hard.
Ive been fucked up since the talk a couple hours ago, a real mess. I feel like im living the worst nightmare possible and theres nothing i can do.
I want to know what you guys all think.
Ive asked her all im asking for is to hang out mutually and for her to try to keep an open mind about us getting back together in the future, there is a part of her that wants to, but things are very complicated. And on top of this we are awaiting to see if shes pregnant, which i kind of hope she is(i know i said initially we/i wasnt ready but after i slept on the thought i woke up the next day accepting of the fact that if she does get pregnant its not the end of the world, and i would actually like a 3rd child) so that Corbin fucks off as she will never get an abortion and has always wanted 3 or 4 kids. Sounding selfish of me? probabaly so.
What do you all think? Whats my best line of action to go about this? I want her to get those feelings back, which she was showing abit the past 2 weeks but rhe arguments had a big impact on her. Obviously i dont want to put any pressure on her, but fuck me its so hard i dont know what to do..
I really needed to rant this out its been eating at me for hours now. Im prescribed valium, ive eaten 10 mg and feeling abit more calm, writing this out is distracting me aswell, you guys always have good advice and its good to get random peoples perspectives and experiences. Its why I love bluelight so much.
Help me out guys im really struggling.