4Karl2Hungus0
Bluelighter
My 3 options for this vent sesh/check in were basically this, a favorite HR group of mine that I am in on Facebook, or counseling/therapy. I don’t have a therapist or a counselor, and I just got plugged into this community yesterday, so I figured I’d throw something up. Lol having a key figure that’ll be mentioned in this being the one who introduced me to this site, & being in the HR group on fb that I speak of, and me basically having no friends or people to vent to, I feel like I am basically left with no choice but to say fuck the fact that some things might be seen, said or read that I obviously would prefer not to vent directly to this person about, but I really feel like I have a lot that I need to get off of my chest and I’ve been hurting pretty bad emotionally and mentally lately, so fuck it.
Bear with me, I might be a little all over the place due to being pretty foggy and it drained mentally and emotionally.
So basically, I recently dove back into this, for me at least, chaotic and rough ride, after 23 months of abstaining from narcotics, 14 of those months were completely abstinent with the exception of nicotine and caffeine, and then the past nine or 10 months I have been drinking, and I recently introduced the good stuff back into my life about six or seven weeks ago. This was post breakup with basically the most loyal, caring, beautiful, whatever tf else you want to say about her along those same lines, I’m sure it’ll fit. Just basically “the one”.
During the almost 2 years that I manage dto be abstinent and abstain from narcotics, I got this big ass head and ego, and once we started building stuff up together, I lost sight of the goal and what it is that we were trying to achieve and I basically let myself go on a downward spiral for the better half of 4 to 5 months. Basically the 4-5 months leading to us splitting. I managed to get pretty attached to not only her but her son as well. Up until this point, I’ve never been exposed to building a bond and gaining this connection with another being aside from my significant others, so once the shit hit the fan, that added another completely different variable and problem to the equation.
To make a long story short, during these 4 to 5 months that I let myself go downhill, I managed to get into this really big and deep depression. And eventually my self-esteem, image, and worth, got to basically the lowest point that it is ever been in my life. The connection between the two of us was no longer there, and we were basically living together because neither of us had any other options as to what we were going to do If we told the other to fuck off and that we were leaving them. Long story short, I end up messaging another girl that I’ve known for probably 10 or 15 years, and her and iMessage back-and-forth for maybe a day and a half or two, and I was being flirty. I would say to about 99% of people, that is considered cheating, and that is grounds for splitting up and telling the other person to go and fuck themselves, which is exactly what she did.
Fast forward a little bit, and at this point I am basically trying to get all of my stuff out of our house, and get it moved in to my moms house, which is where I will be staying, and I am currently staying at. For the past 7 to 8 weeks, I have woken up, or came to from being up all night on stims, and have basically just neatens the shit out of myself day in and day out about how I fucked up, and how I would give anything in the world to make it better and to be given a second chance to prove that I am worthy of having both of them in my life, and that since being made aware of my fuckups, what I did, what I didn’t do, what I could’ve done differently, etc. that I would make sure to fuckin cherish what I have if a second chance opportunity were to present itself.
So, basically I have been going through a pretty rough time mentally over the past almost 2 months, and on top of throwing heroin and math on top of it and into the equation, my mental health has gotten a little bit better, but I have not seen a noticeable change in it.
Fast forward a little bit, and I am bailing this girl out of jail, and she is coming to live with me because both her mom and stepdad, and her dad and stepmom, basically abandoned her, turn their backs on her, and weren’t there for her when it mattered and she needed most. So, now I have my ex girlfriend, who mind you, I am still very much in love with and want back, living with me. We have both talked about and agreed on us just being friends right now, and for me to do my best not to have any sort of expectations whenever it comes to us getting back together. That shit is easier said than done, and when a few other variables were added into the mix, it became really confusing and I feel like I basically did not know what was going on, what I wanted, what was real, what was done out of guilt, basically what actions between the two of us were real, enjoyed by both parties, genuine, etc etc. As much as I want to sit here and say that I don’t have any expectations whenever it comes to the two of us, I would be lying if I said that there was not one ounce of my being that did not help that we ended up back together when everything was said and done.
So now we are about to add another complication in variable into the mix. She had also been abstaining from narcotics, and now we started doing them together. I know that I shouldn’t, but that added yet another complication to the mix. Grown or not, I reintroduced her back to dope.
It’s been a week or two, maybe even three now, and I feel like as the time goes on, my feelings get further and further suppressed, and I end up more confused every day then what I was the previous. It is hard not to live with an ex lover and someone who you were still madly in love with, and not want to get that sense of touch and physical connection, and bonding or even stuff as simple as rubbing one another. I found out today, that all of that is a no-no, and that the green light was only given so that I would be happy or wouldn’t get upset about being told “no, you can’t rub my back,” and other stuff along those lines. Which is another reason why I mentioned just a few moments ago about being confused as to what was genuine, and what was not, and what was real, and what was fake, and so forth.
I have a lot of stuff to continue to think about and process as the time goes on. And I really need to try and move away from the fact that if I work towards getting her bag that I will eventually do and get just that. Which, is basically what I have been doing. I have been trying to work the system and show her that I am willing to do what it takes. I also found out today, that me doing that is not going to be what ultimately decides whether or not we end up back together. And as of now, as much as I want us to, I’m not holding my fucking breath. And thinking back on it, I am not really sure why I ever was, considering that I have basically been told without being told that there is no chance of us ever getting back together and working things out. I don’t want to, but it would probably be a good time to take any mixed and unsure if feelings as a no. And just be in my fucking way. For me to do that though, I am going to have to re-experience being hurt, and re-experience going through what I went through whenever I was in jail and I got told the fuck off and that she was leaving me. And I don’t know if that is something that I’m willing to go through again right now or if I am even mentally and emotionally capable of handling having to go through that again right now.Moving forward, I have been making the conscious effort and decision to treat her exponentially greater now than what I did while we were together and living with one another, so I have no intention on stopping doing that. But I think I am coming up on being due for a decent little break and to give my head Some time to rest and recover, while doing the same thing for my mental and emotional state, as well as my current physical state.
I am a harm reductionist to my core, so I’ve been doing my absolute best to practice principles that I have learned through running a harm adduction organization/syringe access program, and I feel like I have been doing a pretty good job whenever it comes to moderation, and basically just my consumption in general. The reason I mention a break though, is due to the fact that I don’t think the drugs are bringing anything positive to the table, but also I’m not sure if they’re bringing anything negative either. This is honestly the first time that I have ever been actively using and I have basically just felt indifferent about continuing to use substances or about my current substance use. This is also the first time that I have not had a whole bunch of shame and guilt associated with and surrounding my drug use, basically acting as fuel for me to continue going on or what I would usually be on, which is a downward spiral towards wiping out and taking everything in my path with me.
****I didn’t want to go ahead and say I apologize if any of this information is not something that you wanted me to put out there, but I was sure to leave out quite a few things, leave out your name, and keep it pretty G rated compared to how I would’ve like to express everything and talk about it. You know who you are
****
Bear with me, I might be a little all over the place due to being pretty foggy and it drained mentally and emotionally.
So basically, I recently dove back into this, for me at least, chaotic and rough ride, after 23 months of abstaining from narcotics, 14 of those months were completely abstinent with the exception of nicotine and caffeine, and then the past nine or 10 months I have been drinking, and I recently introduced the good stuff back into my life about six or seven weeks ago. This was post breakup with basically the most loyal, caring, beautiful, whatever tf else you want to say about her along those same lines, I’m sure it’ll fit. Just basically “the one”.
During the almost 2 years that I manage dto be abstinent and abstain from narcotics, I got this big ass head and ego, and once we started building stuff up together, I lost sight of the goal and what it is that we were trying to achieve and I basically let myself go on a downward spiral for the better half of 4 to 5 months. Basically the 4-5 months leading to us splitting. I managed to get pretty attached to not only her but her son as well. Up until this point, I’ve never been exposed to building a bond and gaining this connection with another being aside from my significant others, so once the shit hit the fan, that added another completely different variable and problem to the equation.
To make a long story short, during these 4 to 5 months that I let myself go downhill, I managed to get into this really big and deep depression. And eventually my self-esteem, image, and worth, got to basically the lowest point that it is ever been in my life. The connection between the two of us was no longer there, and we were basically living together because neither of us had any other options as to what we were going to do If we told the other to fuck off and that we were leaving them. Long story short, I end up messaging another girl that I’ve known for probably 10 or 15 years, and her and iMessage back-and-forth for maybe a day and a half or two, and I was being flirty. I would say to about 99% of people, that is considered cheating, and that is grounds for splitting up and telling the other person to go and fuck themselves, which is exactly what she did.
Fast forward a little bit, and at this point I am basically trying to get all of my stuff out of our house, and get it moved in to my moms house, which is where I will be staying, and I am currently staying at. For the past 7 to 8 weeks, I have woken up, or came to from being up all night on stims, and have basically just neatens the shit out of myself day in and day out about how I fucked up, and how I would give anything in the world to make it better and to be given a second chance to prove that I am worthy of having both of them in my life, and that since being made aware of my fuckups, what I did, what I didn’t do, what I could’ve done differently, etc. that I would make sure to fuckin cherish what I have if a second chance opportunity were to present itself.
So, basically I have been going through a pretty rough time mentally over the past almost 2 months, and on top of throwing heroin and math on top of it and into the equation, my mental health has gotten a little bit better, but I have not seen a noticeable change in it.
Fast forward a little bit, and I am bailing this girl out of jail, and she is coming to live with me because both her mom and stepdad, and her dad and stepmom, basically abandoned her, turn their backs on her, and weren’t there for her when it mattered and she needed most. So, now I have my ex girlfriend, who mind you, I am still very much in love with and want back, living with me. We have both talked about and agreed on us just being friends right now, and for me to do my best not to have any sort of expectations whenever it comes to us getting back together. That shit is easier said than done, and when a few other variables were added into the mix, it became really confusing and I feel like I basically did not know what was going on, what I wanted, what was real, what was done out of guilt, basically what actions between the two of us were real, enjoyed by both parties, genuine, etc etc. As much as I want to sit here and say that I don’t have any expectations whenever it comes to the two of us, I would be lying if I said that there was not one ounce of my being that did not help that we ended up back together when everything was said and done.
So now we are about to add another complication in variable into the mix. She had also been abstaining from narcotics, and now we started doing them together. I know that I shouldn’t, but that added yet another complication to the mix. Grown or not, I reintroduced her back to dope.
It’s been a week or two, maybe even three now, and I feel like as the time goes on, my feelings get further and further suppressed, and I end up more confused every day then what I was the previous. It is hard not to live with an ex lover and someone who you were still madly in love with, and not want to get that sense of touch and physical connection, and bonding or even stuff as simple as rubbing one another. I found out today, that all of that is a no-no, and that the green light was only given so that I would be happy or wouldn’t get upset about being told “no, you can’t rub my back,” and other stuff along those lines. Which is another reason why I mentioned just a few moments ago about being confused as to what was genuine, and what was not, and what was real, and what was fake, and so forth.
I have a lot of stuff to continue to think about and process as the time goes on. And I really need to try and move away from the fact that if I work towards getting her bag that I will eventually do and get just that. Which, is basically what I have been doing. I have been trying to work the system and show her that I am willing to do what it takes. I also found out today, that me doing that is not going to be what ultimately decides whether or not we end up back together. And as of now, as much as I want us to, I’m not holding my fucking breath. And thinking back on it, I am not really sure why I ever was, considering that I have basically been told without being told that there is no chance of us ever getting back together and working things out. I don’t want to, but it would probably be a good time to take any mixed and unsure if feelings as a no. And just be in my fucking way. For me to do that though, I am going to have to re-experience being hurt, and re-experience going through what I went through whenever I was in jail and I got told the fuck off and that she was leaving me. And I don’t know if that is something that I’m willing to go through again right now or if I am even mentally and emotionally capable of handling having to go through that again right now.Moving forward, I have been making the conscious effort and decision to treat her exponentially greater now than what I did while we were together and living with one another, so I have no intention on stopping doing that. But I think I am coming up on being due for a decent little break and to give my head Some time to rest and recover, while doing the same thing for my mental and emotional state, as well as my current physical state.
I am a harm reductionist to my core, so I’ve been doing my absolute best to practice principles that I have learned through running a harm adduction organization/syringe access program, and I feel like I have been doing a pretty good job whenever it comes to moderation, and basically just my consumption in general. The reason I mention a break though, is due to the fact that I don’t think the drugs are bringing anything positive to the table, but also I’m not sure if they’re bringing anything negative either. This is honestly the first time that I have ever been actively using and I have basically just felt indifferent about continuing to use substances or about my current substance use. This is also the first time that I have not had a whole bunch of shame and guilt associated with and surrounding my drug use, basically acting as fuel for me to continue going on or what I would usually be on, which is a downward spiral towards wiping out and taking everything in my path with me.
****I didn’t want to go ahead and say I apologize if any of this information is not something that you wanted me to put out there, but I was sure to leave out quite a few things, leave out your name, and keep it pretty G rated compared to how I would’ve like to express everything and talk about it. You know who you are
****
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