verablue
Bluelighter
Arissa Volk
Creative Writing: Non-Fiction
26 March 2002
How To React to Pickup Lines
A Women’s Guide
Though a measly nineteen years of age, I have had the displeasure of experiencing an unusually high quota of the strangest come-ons ever invented by the male gender. With all the bizarre questions, pickup lines, and advances that have been directed my way by people who exceed the oddity of the questions they ask me, I grow strangely fond of the option of moving to Siberia. If someone manages to find me in Siberia living under a large mound of frozen dirt, surely they don’t speak my language anyways, so my problems would be solved.
With all the above considerations, I believe myself to be an expert in the field of exactly how to react in such situations. I can also accurately enlighten any component of the opposite sex on ways not to attain the pleasure of having experienced the company of a fine young specimen like myself. So, in consideration of all who’ve patiently endured embarrassing situations provoked by an abnormal member of the male gender, I’ve included a list of situations and the three most polite (or the most appropriate, because the most appropriate is not always the most polite) ways to react to such situations and rid yourself of such mongrels in an expedient manner. You will find one might be a more viable option than the other two depending on your personality, or how much revenge you want to invoke on the perpetrator. Without further adieu, I present my list:
*all situations based on previous personal experience
Situation 1.
You were having a very nice conversation with this guy until he begins singing his own praises of his ability to make any woman orgasm not only once but several times. It is extremely obvious this fellow believes he is bragging on the sly. You:
a) Laugh at his pitiable theory on sex. An orgasm is a subjective matter.
b) Give him a whirl and tell him how bad he is; even if he can live up to his prior boast, it does wonders for the ego.
c) Nod your head and refuse to make eye contact.
Situation 2.
You are sitting on the bus on a relaxing trip home from shopping downtown. The bus is relatively empty, yet this man who is considerably older than you finds it his life mandate to sit by you and bore you with conversation. You make attempts to be friendly to this man, nod your head, etc, until he starts asking you how old you are; wjat are your interests; do you have a boyfriend- what? Fortunately, he is only trying to hook you up with his son. You find his genuine interest in getting his son some boody amusing, but inefficient in captivating your interest, even after he has shown picture upon picture and irked you with incessant blabber on how you and his son would get along so well. You can:
a) Tell him you’re a practicing Satanist, and you eat little boys like him for supper.
b) Begin showing interest in his son, and then tell him how you ‘banged this one dude so hard last night’ and give an extensive synopsis on the 37 sexually transmitted diseases you’ve acquired since you lost your virginity three weeks ago.
c) Get off on the next stop. If he follows you, you’re screwed.
Situation 3
You were having a very nice conversation with this guy online about how you were making ghost lollipops with your niece from an article you saw in Highlights magazine, and he tells you, “I’ve got something quite tasty for you to suck on,” You:
a) Lead him on, because it’s going to be damn funny to post the conversation on a popular online forum.
b) Change online personas; pretend you’re the mother of an eleven year old that just saw the message and go berserk on him, because it’s going to be damn funny to post the conversation on a popular online forum.
c) Put him on your “ignore” list, because you’re a square…
Situation 4.
You are at work and some chap, whom you’ve never met, whom is old enough to be your father and far less attractive asks you out to dinner. You:
a) Decline and spread highly amusing workplace rumors about his missing toes…doesn’t have to be true
b) Give it a whirl, perhaps he’s filthy rich
c) Tell him no, but in a nice way, cuz he’s a friend of your dad’s…
Situation 5.
A friend begins to show an excessive interest in your love life. He is always curious about how sex with boyfriend x was; “Was he good in bed?” “How did you like it?” You can:
a) Don’t talk to him for a very long time. If a chance encounter occurs, enlighten him on how you’ve recently joined the Jay Kordich “Juiceman” cult. Lecture him for three monotonous hours on how his book Juicing for Life has revolutionized the way you perceive everything around you!
b) Bring above said friend, as well as above said boyfriend/ex-boyfriend to a large upscale social gathering and introduce the two like so: “Hi, this is ____________ and ___________. Don’t they just make a darling couple?!
c) Start hitting on his mom.
Situation 6.
You are an industrious purple-haired employee, busy at work handling customers, and a drunken biker walks in. As you scan the items he wishes to purchase, he comments on your purple hair like many other customers do…then he proceeds to make an inquiry whether your muff is purple too, which is repeated by the phrase, “C’mon, show me your muff.” You:
a) Get his phone number…so you can have your burly boyfriend (or someone pretending to be), Butch to give a friendly ring
b) Yell at him to leave the premises …and keep the money he just handed you as a reparation fee
c) Pretend you have multiple personalities, and Jim Bob the Baptist holyflamer just took over.
Situation 6
You have a flourishing weekend career as a disk jockey. A guy has already booked you to play at his upcoming event, but hasn’t heard you play yet. He’d like to hear you play in public prior to anyways, so he provides transportation for you to/from a party and allows you to play there. When your set is over at the party, you waste some time, patiently waiting for your ride home. The wait becomes much longer than you had expected; the guy is still talking to many people. Eventually this guy offers a backrub as an apology, to which you accept. Much to your dismay, his idea of a backrub is more like a butt rub. During the backrub he continually attempts to acquire more skin to rub. You’re not necessarily worried about this, considering people are watching, including people large enough to beat this guy up if all of a sudden you kicked this person where the sun don’t shine. Your mind actually begins to drift back to the moment he was asking to give you a backrub and you imagine him asking instead, “Hey, can I give you a buttrub, er, I mean back rub?” You find much of this exceedingly disturbing because during the ride to the party, this particular member of the male gender told you he has a fiancé at home, watching their little girl. Much later, during an uncomfortable ride home, he proceeds to make a long night even longer (and more uncomfortable) by asking incredibly personal questions and making lewd comments. For example:
“Do you like pleasuring or being pleasured?”
“I notice you shave- most girls as modest as you don’t shave”
Upon nearing his house, he stops at the end of the street and asks, “Can I kiss you?”
This is the absolute last straw. You can:
a) Ask him if you can borrow his cell phone, and watch his face as you dial his fiancé’s number from inside the car!
b) Ask him if you can borrow his cell phone, and watch his face as you call the police from inside the car!
c) Ask him if you can borrow his cell phone, step outside, and call your house—so you can have a good laugh as your dad runs out the front door and chases him down the street, screaming bloody murder!
If such a situation occurs as is listed above and another coincidental situation occurs, such as a dropped bag, an accidental nudge in the direction of the perpetrator, or god forbid you lose your contact lens in such an inopportune moment, you will be left with the option of “d) run…fast!”
Creative Writing: Non-Fiction
26 March 2002
How To React to Pickup Lines
A Women’s Guide
Though a measly nineteen years of age, I have had the displeasure of experiencing an unusually high quota of the strangest come-ons ever invented by the male gender. With all the bizarre questions, pickup lines, and advances that have been directed my way by people who exceed the oddity of the questions they ask me, I grow strangely fond of the option of moving to Siberia. If someone manages to find me in Siberia living under a large mound of frozen dirt, surely they don’t speak my language anyways, so my problems would be solved.
With all the above considerations, I believe myself to be an expert in the field of exactly how to react in such situations. I can also accurately enlighten any component of the opposite sex on ways not to attain the pleasure of having experienced the company of a fine young specimen like myself. So, in consideration of all who’ve patiently endured embarrassing situations provoked by an abnormal member of the male gender, I’ve included a list of situations and the three most polite (or the most appropriate, because the most appropriate is not always the most polite) ways to react to such situations and rid yourself of such mongrels in an expedient manner. You will find one might be a more viable option than the other two depending on your personality, or how much revenge you want to invoke on the perpetrator. Without further adieu, I present my list:
*all situations based on previous personal experience
Situation 1.
You were having a very nice conversation with this guy until he begins singing his own praises of his ability to make any woman orgasm not only once but several times. It is extremely obvious this fellow believes he is bragging on the sly. You:
a) Laugh at his pitiable theory on sex. An orgasm is a subjective matter.
b) Give him a whirl and tell him how bad he is; even if he can live up to his prior boast, it does wonders for the ego.
c) Nod your head and refuse to make eye contact.
Situation 2.
You are sitting on the bus on a relaxing trip home from shopping downtown. The bus is relatively empty, yet this man who is considerably older than you finds it his life mandate to sit by you and bore you with conversation. You make attempts to be friendly to this man, nod your head, etc, until he starts asking you how old you are; wjat are your interests; do you have a boyfriend- what? Fortunately, he is only trying to hook you up with his son. You find his genuine interest in getting his son some boody amusing, but inefficient in captivating your interest, even after he has shown picture upon picture and irked you with incessant blabber on how you and his son would get along so well. You can:
a) Tell him you’re a practicing Satanist, and you eat little boys like him for supper.
b) Begin showing interest in his son, and then tell him how you ‘banged this one dude so hard last night’ and give an extensive synopsis on the 37 sexually transmitted diseases you’ve acquired since you lost your virginity three weeks ago.
c) Get off on the next stop. If he follows you, you’re screwed.
Situation 3
You were having a very nice conversation with this guy online about how you were making ghost lollipops with your niece from an article you saw in Highlights magazine, and he tells you, “I’ve got something quite tasty for you to suck on,” You:
a) Lead him on, because it’s going to be damn funny to post the conversation on a popular online forum.
b) Change online personas; pretend you’re the mother of an eleven year old that just saw the message and go berserk on him, because it’s going to be damn funny to post the conversation on a popular online forum.
c) Put him on your “ignore” list, because you’re a square…
Situation 4.
You are at work and some chap, whom you’ve never met, whom is old enough to be your father and far less attractive asks you out to dinner. You:
a) Decline and spread highly amusing workplace rumors about his missing toes…doesn’t have to be true
b) Give it a whirl, perhaps he’s filthy rich
c) Tell him no, but in a nice way, cuz he’s a friend of your dad’s…
Situation 5.
A friend begins to show an excessive interest in your love life. He is always curious about how sex with boyfriend x was; “Was he good in bed?” “How did you like it?” You can:
a) Don’t talk to him for a very long time. If a chance encounter occurs, enlighten him on how you’ve recently joined the Jay Kordich “Juiceman” cult. Lecture him for three monotonous hours on how his book Juicing for Life has revolutionized the way you perceive everything around you!
b) Bring above said friend, as well as above said boyfriend/ex-boyfriend to a large upscale social gathering and introduce the two like so: “Hi, this is ____________ and ___________. Don’t they just make a darling couple?!
c) Start hitting on his mom.
Situation 6.
You are an industrious purple-haired employee, busy at work handling customers, and a drunken biker walks in. As you scan the items he wishes to purchase, he comments on your purple hair like many other customers do…then he proceeds to make an inquiry whether your muff is purple too, which is repeated by the phrase, “C’mon, show me your muff.” You:
a) Get his phone number…so you can have your burly boyfriend (or someone pretending to be), Butch to give a friendly ring
b) Yell at him to leave the premises …and keep the money he just handed you as a reparation fee
c) Pretend you have multiple personalities, and Jim Bob the Baptist holyflamer just took over.
Situation 6
You have a flourishing weekend career as a disk jockey. A guy has already booked you to play at his upcoming event, but hasn’t heard you play yet. He’d like to hear you play in public prior to anyways, so he provides transportation for you to/from a party and allows you to play there. When your set is over at the party, you waste some time, patiently waiting for your ride home. The wait becomes much longer than you had expected; the guy is still talking to many people. Eventually this guy offers a backrub as an apology, to which you accept. Much to your dismay, his idea of a backrub is more like a butt rub. During the backrub he continually attempts to acquire more skin to rub. You’re not necessarily worried about this, considering people are watching, including people large enough to beat this guy up if all of a sudden you kicked this person where the sun don’t shine. Your mind actually begins to drift back to the moment he was asking to give you a backrub and you imagine him asking instead, “Hey, can I give you a buttrub, er, I mean back rub?” You find much of this exceedingly disturbing because during the ride to the party, this particular member of the male gender told you he has a fiancé at home, watching their little girl. Much later, during an uncomfortable ride home, he proceeds to make a long night even longer (and more uncomfortable) by asking incredibly personal questions and making lewd comments. For example:
“Do you like pleasuring or being pleasured?”
“I notice you shave- most girls as modest as you don’t shave”
Upon nearing his house, he stops at the end of the street and asks, “Can I kiss you?”
This is the absolute last straw. You can:
a) Ask him if you can borrow his cell phone, and watch his face as you dial his fiancé’s number from inside the car!
b) Ask him if you can borrow his cell phone, and watch his face as you call the police from inside the car!
c) Ask him if you can borrow his cell phone, step outside, and call your house—so you can have a good laugh as your dad runs out the front door and chases him down the street, screaming bloody murder!
If such a situation occurs as is listed above and another coincidental situation occurs, such as a dropped bag, an accidental nudge in the direction of the perpetrator, or god forbid you lose your contact lens in such an inopportune moment, you will be left with the option of “d) run…fast!”
