Boyfriend VS Best friend

[Pretty_Diamonds]

What do you do?

My boyfriend of five years vs my best friend of twenty.
They both work together (2 yrs) at a bar, he's her manager, and this is what "happened":

He tells me:
She was slacking off, taking cig breaks every 15 minutes, and chatting with all her friends that came in. After HOURS of this, he pulls her into the back, and tells her exactly what she's doing wrong (i.e. not putting away glasses, not serving customers, etc). She breaks down sobbing because "she's a cry baby and can't handle the truth". She leaves mid-shift.

I tell him, that's strange... I mean, it doesn't sound like her at all. I mean, yes the slacking to an extent, but the crying? So, I ask, was she drunk? No, she only had one shot. Was she high? No. Hm, well, you sure you didn't say anything really mean to her..? NO. Did you maybe, by chance, raise your voice at her? NO, I SAID NO. Were you drinking? NO WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THESE QUESTIONS??!!? Okay, geez, I'm just trying to get the whole story..... TALK TO HER, TALK TO EVERYONE I WORK WITH!!! YOURE PISSING ME OFF!!!

She tells me:
She was slacking off, she admits it. She even told me that she apologized to my bf, and told him that she won't take any tip for the night since she agrees that she doesn't deserve it. He was WASTED and asked to speak to her in the office. She was scared already because she knew he was going to yell at her, so she declined but he persisted and even "promised that he wouldn't yell at her". He proceeds to yell at her and she sits quietly. He chews her out for a few minutes and she can't get a word in edgewise. After a bit she finally begs him to stop, telling him that she can't take anymore and she's going to break down. She asks if she can leave and if he would just send her home. He replies, No you're going to hear this and refuses to let her leave. She breaks down and runs out.

She calls their manager and tells him that he was drunk, yelled at her, and doesn't think she can work with him anymore.

He later tells me that he had 5 shots throughout the night....
His manager talks to him... and now he's really pissed believing that she was trying to get him fired by saying such things (but he really wasn't going to get fired, their manager is like super chill (& he knows they drink on the job), he's been working there for like ten years, and is the number 2 guy at the bar, one of the top workers really.) He really, really hates her at the point.

Now, his story is that SHE was more wasted than him, he was SOBER. He spoke calmly to her, and she just gave attitude, and walked out. (No tears). I confronted him about his different versions but that only led to more anger and me "becoming confused with the lies that my best friend has fed me".

This was WEEKS ago and my bf and I still fight every other day about this... because I'm still friends with her. I told him, there's no way, I would end my friendship because of ONE fight. I mean, she is practically my sister and we've been close ever since preschool, not just known her, but literally BEST FRIENDS.

He wants me to believe him and his side, and yes, I do, but that means, I cant believe her as well, AND I have to call her out for being a liar. This morning we fought again and he said, if he doesn't get an answer soon, he doesn't think he can be with me. I told him that if that's how he feels, then that says what I need to know about him.

Basically, how can I talk to him? How can I reason with him? It's an impossible decision... I love them both.

 

[pofacedhoe]

he's being childish. there are both sides and then there is the truth prob somewhere in the middle between both sides stories they told you

she doesn't want to be told that she has blatant flaws to her behaviour that annoy the fuck out of her co-workers (taking the piss with free booze and being lazy) so cry's, he was drunk so probably came off more aggressive possibly because she always does this and he says nothing so when it blew up it blew up badly. either way they are both drinking at work and had a row get over it and i dont see why anyone would want to draw another person who wasn't there into making a judgement about which one is in the right. it seems kinda childish.

 

[Lysis]

ultimatums are really bad. It's OK to express that you don't like something or you're hurt or something like that, but if you end with "or else..." it's a shitty thing to do.

It's silly for him to make you choose when you can be friends with her even if he doesn't really like her. I don't agree that girls should get in between bros and I certainly wouldn't like someone trying to force me to stop being friends with someone after 20 years! 20 years is a long time to drop.

what does he want you to do? Never talk to her? I don't understand why he wants to drag you into business that really isn't yours aside from you being a shoulder to cry on and an ear for those who want to talk about it.

 

[Ligaturd]

That's so unfair and wrong. Regardless of what problem they had, that is nothing to end a relationship over. You should never even be put in a situation where you would have to choose. If this makes or breaks the relationship for him, it's a really shitty position for you to be in already and he is putting his weight on you, trying to make you bend to his will.

Does that really make sense? That your relationship is worth as much as this disagreement?

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

he's being childish. there are both sides and then there is the truth prob somewhere in the middle between both sides stories they told you

she doesn't want to be told that she has blatant flaws to her behaviour that annoy the fuck out of her co-workers (taking the piss with free booze and being lazy) so cry's, he was drunk so probably came off more aggressive possibly because she always does this and he says nothing so when it blew up it blew up badly. either way they are both drinking at work and had a row get over it and i dont see why anyone would want to draw another person who wasn't there into making a judgement about which one is in the right. it seems kinda childish.

Yeah, I agree. I'm not trying to play investigator and find out the truth. It doesn't really matter, imo. I just want to be there for both and support BOTH. Although, I don't think she was drinking since she's been working there two years, and very rarely drinks. Whereas, I know my bf drinks everynight and has been for 9 years.

I mean, I was surprised that he came at me like that, expecting me to chose a side.. I mean, it's just ridiculous. He gets so mad and I just don't know what to say. All I can do, is just hope that he never brings it up again, I guess. I don't even talk to my friend that much anymore, and any time I do, I delete text msgs and call logs, paranoid that he's going to yell at me.

ultimatums are really bad. It's OK to express that you don't like something or you're hurt or something like that, but if you end with "or else..." it's a shitty thing to do.

It's silly for him to make you choose when you can be friends with her even if he doesn't really like her. I don't agree that girls should get in between bros and I certainly wouldn't like someone trying to force me to stop being friends with someone after 20 years! 20 years is a long time to drop.

what does he want you to do? Never talk to her? I don't understand why he wants to drag you into business that really isn't yours aside from you being a shoulder to cry on and an ear for those who want to talk about it.

Yeah, he basically wants me to call her and yell at her for disrespecting him, "being a liar", and a bitch. And to not be friends with her because she's trying to get him fired, ruin his life, and break us up (which isn't true since she's not like that). He said it's "for my own good because it's only a matter of time before she tries to ruin and sabotage my life". It's just so ridiculous. He's known her for only 2 years, and only in a professional setting. I've known her for 20, grew up with her, know her family, my family knows her, she's practically my sister. I've actually known her twice as long as my actual, blood sister.

That's so unfair and wrong. Regardless of what problem they had, that is nothing to end a relationship over. You should never even be put in a situation where you would have to choose. If this makes or breaks the relationship for him, it's a really shitty position for you to be in already and he is putting his weight on you, trying to make you bend to his will.

Does that really make sense? That your relationship is worth as much as this disagreement?

Yeah, I know it's wrong. But it's like, what do I do when he's yelling at me about it? I'm almost to the point that I should just agree to him and be like, yeah, fuck that bitch! I hate her. But then I don't want to add to the negativity, or I don't want him going and telling all his co-workers that I said that, you know? If that gets back to her, she'll be super hurt. I just tell him he needs to forgive and move on. It's not healthy to harbor such ill feelings toward someone. But he makes threats like, oh she'll never find another job, if it's up to me. I'll make her life a living hell. She won't find success, if I can help it. I'll make sure she can't find work in my town.
(Just makes me so uncomfortable and I'm like, ew, what kind of person are you?)

 

[Ligaturd]

Talk it out with both of them together. It gets confusing when people are relaying messages to eachother and not just talking directly to each other, it gets confusing. Then everyone will know where the other stands and no one can peddle any bullshit.

I've been in a similar situation recently and a whole group of people have completely removed me from the situation and just lied to me, literally over 20 people. They've been all talking amongst themselves about me and I've been stuck trying to piece things together and understand what's happening but no one will just talk to me and show me what's happening and that just makes me really confused and hurt.

It's just the weirdest situation I've been in and for me the only way forward is actually being able to see what's happening and talk to people so that there aren't misconceptions but I've been going through psychosis which adds another layer of confusion. If people in this situation actually talked to me and let me see the truth and tell the truth, there wouldn't be any room for any misconceptions from myself or them.

This person insists that I am a liar, is able to act with absolute impunity and has made sure I don't ever get to defend myself. I told him I was going through psychosis and was suicidal and he has been doing things to aggrivate it and make me more confused. Just the way this person absolutely insists that he is right and doesn't allow any challenge to his version of events should show that it is true, he is a dominating and only interested in winning. Having his way. It's caused me to suffer greatly, why does it make sense to completely remove someone from a situation and only insist that they are right and the other person is wrong? Maybe it isn't true that your friend is trying to break you up and all they tried to do was show that they are telling the truth? Maybe your boyfriends actions right now are a sign that your friend is maybe telling the truth?

Why can't everyone get together and talk it out and formulate their own consensus on who is right and wrong?. I have been begging for this to happen from the start in my situation and that not happening has left me confused and stuck and defenceless. I want to see where I am wrong and for others to see where they are wrong and at the very least be constructive about it. Everyone wins in that situation, everyone grows regardless of the end result.

Communication is extremely important in any situation and so is removing any barriers to communication, if you talked to them both about it together it would illuminate a lot. You would be able to see who is lying or not and there could possibly be resolve or understanding spawned from it. You could communicate how shitty of a position it has put you in and ask them to just deal with it once and for all and put it behind them.

What hurts my feelings in my situation is telling the truth, and having this person take control of every situation in my life. Getting my doctors to break the law and getting them to accuse me of things that aren't true. People making things happen in such a way that I can't get out of this constant state of frustration, confusion and anxiety. He keeps insisting I was somehow trying to break them up when it's physically impossible for me to have even known they talked to each other and he was exhibiting similar domineering behavior to ways he has always acted and I only wanted control back. He keeps parroting this to get sympathy from people and justify humiliating me and torturing me and so he can come out on top. I never tried to do that and I would never want that and I expressed that constantly.

He was the one who got people to abandon me when I was suicidal, my doctors could not have done that. I know for a fact that he did that with Stephanie. She was the last person I had and she agreed to be my friend and I didn't splurge on her, I wasn't needy with her. He talked to her on the phone and next thing I know she also tells me "I have my own problems" and abandons me. When everyone in your life does that and you have nothing and you are suicidal, it tends to break you. It was just over and over constant proof for my self loathing. This person has been exhibiting control and a lack of empathy since the start and Ive been trying to stop him. People just communicating face to face would have at the very least let me actually know what was happening. I was going through psychosis on top of all of this and im sorry for ranting but this reminds me so much of what has been happening to me. I just am at a loss as to why people allow this to happen, communication is so essential in any given situation and anyone who insists otherwise has alterior motives.

I do this a lot too. I've been desperately trying to find relief by explaining the things that I think are happening and they are completely real to me. People look at it and they are like "this guy is trying to do x" or "this guy is lying or trying to trick us" but I'm having legitimate attacks and people writing me off and never just communicating with me and showing me what is actually happening makes it real for me. Dealing with psychosis and having hallucinations, the way everything has been happening has made it exponentially worse and it justifies any delusions I might be having. In my situation I absolutely needed communication and empathy but what I got was people calling me a liar and going around and making things unbearable for me.

This just reminded me so much if what's happening to me. Full and direct communication is always the answer. Its what I've been fighting for for 8 months now. My voice has literally been stolen from me and ive been blinded and confused and thats why I've been acting so erratic with these people.

The way I see it there is no choice to make, no place for an ultimatum. There is either just empathy and understanding and everyone seeing the negative effects this situation is having on each other and either dealing with it constructively, or just really getting a picture of who everyone is and deciding where to go from there.

 

[zephyr]

The big boss might be chill as hell BUT he still is the big boss and step in and sort it out.

It should have been done when it happened.

Its because shit like this happens that managers like your boyfriend and bar staff should not be drinking.

Its got nothing to do with you really . If he insists on involving you then you can insist he no longer drink at work.

Tbh if I were you Id call him on the ultimatum and see what he does.

 

[pofacedhoe]

(Just makes me so uncomfortable and I'm like, ew, what kind of person are you?)

good point

 

[China Rider]

this is a situation that your friend and boyfriend should have kept private and is something they need to resolve on their own

it's effecting your life and it's not fair, but at the same time you are allowing this to blow up into something way bigger than it should be

the separation of personal, professional and family life is something i strongly believe in, have some self respect and learn basic privacy techniques

sorry if i'm being too blunt, but if the 3 of you were adults this would have been cordially resolved within a day or two,tops

if it's not taken care of ASAP expect the lying, exaggerations, false accusations, general paranoia, loss of trust, and emotional separation to grow stronger, creating an incurable situation

has it crossed your mind that maybe this incident at the bar/workplace is just a silly distraction/indication that there's bigger problems ?

start asking real questions and hopefully some transparency over legitimate issues will be addressed and taken care of

good luck

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Ligaturd,

I think them talking it out is a good suggestion. I know my best friend would be willing to since she does want to forgive and forget. She wants to be able to be professional and be able to work with him at a later time. She actually holds no animosity towards him and has moved on. My bf, on the other hand, still a work in progress. He's still pretty angry and doesn't really like confrontations. He's not really the type to talk about things. He'll just play fake nice, and dismissive. I think if I asked him, he would be like, why? What am I going to gain? In the end, I won. I hate her, she tried to get me fired, and now I don't have to work with her anymore. In fact, I don't even see her. I don't want to be cool with her. I don't want to work with her again, so why should I sit down and talk with her? She's a liar.

I'm so sorry to hear about your story, that sounds horrible. Must have been tough to go through all that and lose your support. Why does he harbor such hate? Like when you try and ruin someone's life or try and make them MORE miserable... it's just horrible. :hug: You went through all that and lost your support, yet still made it out that other side so that shows a great deal of YOUR strength and character.

I agree with understanding and empathy. People have to have it though or at least strive for it. My bf is really not super understanding, sometimes. He's really not empathetic too. Like I noticed, when I cry, he doesn't ever feel my pain or try and comfort me. Which is odd really.

The big boss might be chill as hell BUT he still is the big boss and step in and sort it out.

It should have been done when it happened.

Its because shit like this happens that managers like your boyfriend and bar staff should not be drinking.

Its got nothing to do with you really . If he insists on involving you then you can insist he no longer drink at work.

Tbh if I were you Id call him on the ultimatum and see what he does.

He's very handsoff, so yeah, he should have brought them together, but didn't really do anything but just take her off the shifts that she was working with him.

Yeah, and I do tell him not to drink at work. But he has a hard time being a bartender and it's just a bad habit. He just feels like, he has more fun, customers have more fun, he gets more tips, people buy him shots, he need something to help him deal with all the B.S., etc. He just has a lot of reasons....he's trying though.

good point

:/ Disturbing.

this is a situation that your friend and boyfriend should have kept private and is something they need to resolve on their own

it's effecting your life and it's not fair, but at the same time you are allowing this to blow up into something way bigger than it should be

the separation of personal, professional and family life is something i strongly believe in, have some self respect and learn basic privacy techniques

sorry if i'm being too blunt, but if the 3 of you were adults this would have been cordially resolved within a day or two,tops

if it's not taken care of ASAP expect the lying, exaggerations, false accusations, general paranoia, loss of trust, and emotional separation to grow stronger, creating an incurable situation

has it crossed your mind that maybe this incident at the bar/workplace is just a silly distraction/indication that there's bigger problems ?

start asking real questions and hopefully some transparency over legitimate issues will be addressed and taken care of

good luck

How am I allowing this to blow up into something bigger? I've just tried to comfort and support them both. I've really tried my best to not get super involved. It's just been difficult with my bf literally demanding that I take his side, and call my friend a liar, and cut her out of my life, etc. I tell him that, of course I believe him, and love him, etc, and yes it was wrong for her to "exaggerate" the truth, but I honestly think she has no bad intentions and that she honestly believes that's what happened and was genuinely VERY affected by it, so I understand.

"Learn basic privacy techniques" -- What do you mean by this?

I understand that you're trying to help but your post just seems super vague. ??? I think it's a small incident that's just blown up. I don't know what "real questions", I should be asking.

 

[China Rider]

how's this for a clarification

i'm under the belief that an adult(s) in this situation should step up take accountability for their actions, apologize, and execute an aggressive solution towards a happy ending without any lasting negative side effects

if neither of them can patch this up i feel your choices are to just accept it for the train wreck it's become or completely remove both people from your life...gotta accept that throughout your life friendships come to an end without warning allowing for new, and hopefully stronger ones arise

it's probably not fair to play hypothetical but i'm assuming you did create this thread to seek out help resolving your relationships or just simply to better understand why this is happening

i just can't imagine myself or my friends letting a situation like this escalate into anything that would jeopardize the long term status of our relationship

i realize i'm kind of being condescending but i really am just trying to hep

i'm not being judgmental in the slightest because when it comes to maintaining cohesive relationships i'm guilty and fully aware of my flaws

 

[Scuzzy]

It sounds like he was right about everything except the part where he lost his temper. Still and all, he is no position to demand that you end your friendship with her. Just because she's a crappy coworker does not take away from how important a longtime friend like that is to you.