Boyfriend threatens suicide, report me to police

[spiraldragon]

I've been a BL 'lurker' for quite sometime and am posting now because I really need some advice :/

I have been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now. When we got together, we both knew about each other's mental illnesses: I deal with bi-polar, social anxiety, chronic depressing and ADHD while he has schizophrenia, depression and anxiety. At first it worked really well because, aside from all the usual awesome things we had in common, we were able to help each other when the other wasn't feeling so hot because we'd both been there and done that.

However, things have gotten out of hand. I've come to realize he is an extremely jealous and manipulative person. Every time I want to have some me time or spend time with friends, he goes ballistic. We end up having this 6+ hour long arguments that basically consist of him telling me how I never try and all these things he's given up to be with me. My friends keep texting me, asking to hang out and I'm afraid that they'll soon get tired of me saying no. When we first got together I told him I really enjoy my space and being able to be by myself sometimes and now I'm only alone when I'm asleep, waking up or getting ready for bed - and that's only when I DON'T spend the night with him. Which is rare because when I say no to that, he again goes off. He constantly wants to know who I'm talking to and demands to read my texts. I can't talk to anyone about our issues because he got furious last time I did it and he found out. He's made threats against my male friends even though he's only met one of them.

Aside from all that, he also constantly threatens to kill himself or to call the cops and report my drug use. Both of these things have kept me from breaking up with him. However, tonight I finally had to call the police because he sounded more serious than usual about suicide and they took him to JPS (a hospital near us that deals with suicide threats and attempts and is where police take you if someone calls them and tells them you've threatened to harm yourself). I was worried he'd make due on his threat about telling the cops and when he called from there, I was too afraid to ask. He started to also guilt trip me and even though we had agreed that I could have my alone time tomorrow and see my girl friend that night, I basically ended up promising him I'd see him once he got out.

So I guess I'm asking what should I do? I still love him but the relationship has been hell on me and my own illness. What if he does tell the cops that I've been doing drugs? Can they drug test me and / or arrest me and / or search my house? I live with my parents so can they consent to a search? What if he makes good on his threats and harms one of my friends or me or my family?

Also, we are both 27.

 

[RedLeader]

If he really wanted to die, he'd do it regardless of how you felt about it.

The cops would only possibly pay attention to him if he painted a believable picture of you dealing/moving weight. Unless you live in one of those small towns where a possession case would make the front page.

Take a minute and forget about who's been diagnosed with what, who's using what, who knows who, and so on, and focus on what's really going on: the guy does not agree with you on space or privacy, and he's going to emotionally blackmail you until he gets his way. That's not cool, regardless of whatever happened to him in his past or what's going on in his mind. If he's got that many problems, then he's not at a place where a relationship should be in his cards.

I understand that he's your boyfriend and you have strong emotional connections with him. And I'm sure that with each of you having a host of psychological issues, you two probably bonded a lot over this in the beginning. You didn't feel as lonely or as crazy in each others' arms. That's great for a few nights, but in order to really go the distance with a person, you need to be able to connect and bond over positive things. Don't bond because you're both anxious and depressed. Bond because you're both fighting your anxiety and depression in the same productive ways. Don't bond because you both were lonely as children. Bond because you're each helping younger siblings have better childhoods. You see what I mean? Misery might love company, but the pursuit of happiness loves healthy relationships.

See how he is when he gets out of treatment, but don't hold your breath. If you need to, leave and don't look back. He can only hurt you if you let him.

 

[BabyGurl3171]

Please let me tell you my story...
I was with a guy just as you explained yours. He had his issues, I had mine (similar to bith yours). At first it was amazin. I was 3 months pregnant when we started datin and he claimed my son as ours.
At first I thought it was kinda nice havin someone bein jealous of me. It actually made me feel so wanted (my mom was pysco so this was a new, wanted feeling). Anyway, slowly over time I lost friends, family. It was so gradual I didn't notice til it was too late...but anyway.
So we're 3+ years in and I'm havin his baby. We had our fights, his jealousy and basically puttin me in solitude.
Then it happens...I start gettin my ass handed to me at least twice a weak. At this point I was scared to leave bc he'd always say he'd kill himself and beat me.
Well, fast forward to 4 years and 3 months...I had our daughter and 3 weeks later I literally lost my life.
Our baby, HIS child, is in the hospital bc beatin me was no longer good enough. He broke 5 bones on my precious, innocent child. I lost all my kids. They got adopted, he and I went to jail.
Fast forward again 178 days...he finally admits his guilt and I'm asked to testify against him. I can't say I saw him hurt her bc I wasn't there but I testified to his behaviours and beatings.
This was in 2003. God had mercy on me and I got my miracle. 5 yrs later the Supreme Court over throws ALL the adoptions and I have my babies back...ugh ok I'm cryin...anyway I missed EVERYTHING my kuds did. All their FIRSTS! Words, steps, school...
But that prick is long gone and we're learnin more and more about each other everyday.
Sorry this was so long, but I've been there. I didn't even touch base on the ex who fire bombed my house...
If you take anything from this, take my experience and save yourself from the unexplainable pain,my children and I have suffered.
My prayers with you!

 

[spiraldragon]

Thanks for replying.

RedLeader - I agree. In fact, when we first met I told him I DIDN'T want a relationship right then.. yet I did it anyway because he seemed like such a good guy and I didn't want to 'pass it up'. Now I wish I had. He's promised me before that he'd see his case worker and psychologist more often but I don't see that happening. And I never see him take his medicine either. I've told him repeatedly I think he needs to go somewhere for inpatient or outpatient and even suggested the place I went to but there's always an excuse. The most frustrating thing is that I feel as if he is blocking my own recovery. I'm just afraid of what will happen if I -do- leave.

BabyGurl3171 - How heartbreaking I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My ex-fiancée beat me as well so believe me when I say the thought of my current boyfriend crossing those lines HAS crossed my mind. He has no friends right now and I know that the reason he keeps making a fuss over me wanting to spend time with my own friends is because of that. In fact, he's even gotten mad at me if I don't want to hang out with anyone on nights that he does - as if it's my responsibility to get him social time. Like I mentioned to RedLeader, I'm mostly afraid things will escalate if I honestly break it off.

 

[BabyGurl3171]

Do you hun. You are the most important person here. I don't want to sound cold but he's a big boy and God forbid he isn't just tryin to guilt you, you can't let that be your responsibility.
Look 5 years ahead...where do you see yourself? Are you where you thought you would be? Do you feel a hatrid against him for holdin you back? And if you want children, do you truly want them havin a dad who won't even help himself, let alone be there to support a family?
Just make YOU happy, ok? You can't go wrong there. You may feel the weight of the world leave you literally in an instant.
I won't lie, it will hurt. I loved my ex, but I promise you it DOES get better!

EDIT: Just something someone told me at my low..
If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

 

[paranoid android]

If your b/f is constantly threatening you like that you should really look for another b/f and get rid of his sorry ass. Who the fuck goes around threatening to rat on their g/f? Obviously he's not very loyal to you or he would never threaten such a thing. Also if he wants to kill himself badly enough he will and i hope for your sake he's not one of those cunts that seem to do it out of spite to get back at someone. Those types are pure cunts.

I suffer from bipolar disorder and i gated a girl with DID so you can only imagine what that was like! I know all about sitting up wondering if the one you love is ok or in hospital or dead and i would never wish that on anyone. Holding the suicide threat over someone you supposedly love shows them you don't love them at all really and just want to control them. Or atleast that is how i took it.

Good luck to you OP.

 

[Kerrigan]

Get a new place.
Buy a new phone.
Get rid of any criminal evidence.
Tell him you're over and that he's a monstrous sponge of a human being.
If he threatens anything, know that it's just bullshit.

 

[DexterMeth]

If he really wanted to die, he'd do it regardless of how you felt about it.

I disagree.

 

[n3ophy7e]

spiraldragon, I really hate to have to say this but I honestly think you need to end this relationship. I know you love him and I know it's going to be hard to break it off, but it sounds like such a toxic environment for you!! You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. The longer you leave it, the worse he is going to make you feel, and he could possibly begin to get physically violent with you. Do what Kerrigan suggested, get a new place and a new phone number, get rid of anything incriminating (just in case he snitches on you), try to move on with your life.

Take care hun, and let us know how you're going okay?

 

[DexterMeth]

Couldn't have said it better myself. It doesn't always help to be nice to others. Some people will drag you down at all costs, even if they're not consciously aware of it.

 

[RedLeader]

I disagree.

Rereading that, I think I did kind of rush through that sentence.

Do you disagree because you think that his love for her, despite all of his problems, and how he does not want her to suffer in the aftermath of his suicide, is effectively keeping him from pulling the trigger even if he really wants to die? "The only reason I am not doing it is because of the people I'd hurt." I just find it hard to accept that a person could love/care for someone that much and then at the same time would emotionally blackmail them, through threats of suicide, to maintain a romantic relationship. It just seems like an extremely selfless thing contrasted with an extremely selfish thing. Just my opinion, though, and of course I don't really know the guy so I could be waaaay off.

If you disagree with the reason I thought you disagreed with me, I am sorry for assuming as much.

 

[DexterMeth]

Well that, and you just said it yourself, "I could be waaaaaaaa off". He could easily not give 2 shits about her, but she cares a lot about him. That's just not healthy.

OP needs to leave him imo.

 

[mareseatoats]

Everyone else had good, sound advice for you; if he's making you uncomfortable, so consistently, then he isn't right for you.

Just remember; you can do bad all by yourself...(you know-you don't need someone else to make things worse for you and harder on you/someone who's going to make your life more bad then good).