Hey guys.
I honestly don't know if this is the most appropriate section of the forum or even the most appropriate forum to be posting this in general. I guess I just thought it might be helpful because I am having a really hard time trying to find anyone else with this problem through a generic web search, and I thought maybe someone else on here might have gone through something similar..
So... basically I'm 25, and about 14 months ago I quit Cannabis cold turkey after being an almost daily user for the best part of a decade. I stopped taking LSD and other psychedelics some time before this, after a fair amount of use since the age of 16. I used to take a lot of ecstacy and other various uppers from that age too, and still did up until maybe just under a year ago, a few occasional times since then, the last one being 2 or 3 months ago when I had some speed at a festival. Been clean since then.. I have hardly even drank alcohol in the last 2 months (which is pretty good goin for a young Irish person).
I was pretty happy with this. Without going into detail about the reasons why I stopped taking everything, it was just the right time for me and I knew it. It made me feel like I had self discipline that I'd never realised before, knowing that I was able to stop doing things that I once thought I could never give up, and it was a spiritual awakening for me also. I was feeling really great about it actually, like I was discovering a new part of myself, like my life was changing massively and that I was becoming a person who could be more comfortable just being conscious in their natural state, or happy with trying to achieve altered states through dedication to meditation and other practices without the need for drugs.
So everything was great. Really great.
Then, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend that I have been with since around January...told me that he thought I had been on a cocaine binge. He said my moods had been all over the place. I was flabbergasted tbh... no idea why he would think such a thing. Firstly, I've taken coke twice in my life and didn't think it was that great. Second, there's no way I could afford it. Third, he knew what I'd been through with drugs, knew that I was stepping back from the party lifestyle and that I wanted to keep a sober mind for the next while. At least, I thought he did..
I was pretty much like wtf, why would you think that? I admit I got kind of angry, I felt like he didn't know me at all. I also started questioning why on earth he would think this about me? Was it because of how I'd been acting? I've suffered from depression and anxiety a lot since I was younger, a LOT, much of it was exacerbated by drugs, which is partly why I stopped taking them. And I knew my moods could be up and down and all over the place at times. I thought maybe I was bipolar a few times, or clinically depressed, but it never seemed to be that extreme so I never got diagnosed. I was diagnosed with GAD though. But I honestly thought that I had been better, happier, and mentally healthier than I'd ever been before. And now I'm questioning it.
Weeks went by, I thought he had gone away from the idea after me telling him that he was wrong. But it came up again. I just didn't understand... because I'd been feeling motivated, having ideas for art, and spending lots of time working on them. But apparently this was just another piece of evidence of my addiction??
Now he says that he has seen me wipe coke off my nostril and sniff it, and that he heard me say "sorry I'm an addict".... neither of which actually happened. He thinks I've been leading a double life, going out and partying with our mutual friends and leaving him out. Which is extra hurtful because I've spent most of the last 8 months with him instead of doing a lot of stuff with other people.
I know, you're probably thinking that he is probably a bit crazy and this is his problem. I think he is delusional but I can't help wondering if there is something wrong with my behaviour too. Of course, I know no one here can really tell me whether there is or not. I guess I'm just posting about this to ask if anyone has had something similar to this happen to them, and how they dealt with it? I really have no idea how to.
I actually almost begged him to believe me and trust me a few days ago. I thought I had started to get him to see that he was imagining things. We made up and went for food, and today he said that he thought I had taken more drugs while we were at the table eating....that my eyes were really intense and that I seemed like I was coming up because I was being hyper and saying funny things. It's so upsetting when someone is constantly watching your behaviour and judging it. I feel like I can't relax around him at all. We have pretty much broken up now. But there's a part of me that wants to be able to make him see that he is being crazy so we can work it out. But maybe I'm just being stupid.
It's just a real dampener on the positivity I had been feeling lately. This is the first time in my entire adult life that I've been sober for this long and actually enjoyed it, and felt empowered, and the person I was closest to has seemingly taken that power away from me... To think that my natural bahaviour and personality are akin to the signs of a long-term user of cocaine... That my eyes are so intense that I looked like I'm constantly on drugs.... he even said I couldn't brush my teeth without rattling around in the bathroom (I have no fucking idea what he's talking about tbh).
I don't know if anyone here can help, but thanks if you read this and thanks to anyone who can share anything. I just feel really kind of alone right now and really, really fuckin confused.
I honestly don't know if this is the most appropriate section of the forum or even the most appropriate forum to be posting this in general. I guess I just thought it might be helpful because I am having a really hard time trying to find anyone else with this problem through a generic web search, and I thought maybe someone else on here might have gone through something similar..
So... basically I'm 25, and about 14 months ago I quit Cannabis cold turkey after being an almost daily user for the best part of a decade. I stopped taking LSD and other psychedelics some time before this, after a fair amount of use since the age of 16. I used to take a lot of ecstacy and other various uppers from that age too, and still did up until maybe just under a year ago, a few occasional times since then, the last one being 2 or 3 months ago when I had some speed at a festival. Been clean since then.. I have hardly even drank alcohol in the last 2 months (which is pretty good goin for a young Irish person).
I was pretty happy with this. Without going into detail about the reasons why I stopped taking everything, it was just the right time for me and I knew it. It made me feel like I had self discipline that I'd never realised before, knowing that I was able to stop doing things that I once thought I could never give up, and it was a spiritual awakening for me also. I was feeling really great about it actually, like I was discovering a new part of myself, like my life was changing massively and that I was becoming a person who could be more comfortable just being conscious in their natural state, or happy with trying to achieve altered states through dedication to meditation and other practices without the need for drugs.
So everything was great. Really great.
Then, a few weeks ago, my boyfriend that I have been with since around January...told me that he thought I had been on a cocaine binge. He said my moods had been all over the place. I was flabbergasted tbh... no idea why he would think such a thing. Firstly, I've taken coke twice in my life and didn't think it was that great. Second, there's no way I could afford it. Third, he knew what I'd been through with drugs, knew that I was stepping back from the party lifestyle and that I wanted to keep a sober mind for the next while. At least, I thought he did..
I was pretty much like wtf, why would you think that? I admit I got kind of angry, I felt like he didn't know me at all. I also started questioning why on earth he would think this about me? Was it because of how I'd been acting? I've suffered from depression and anxiety a lot since I was younger, a LOT, much of it was exacerbated by drugs, which is partly why I stopped taking them. And I knew my moods could be up and down and all over the place at times. I thought maybe I was bipolar a few times, or clinically depressed, but it never seemed to be that extreme so I never got diagnosed. I was diagnosed with GAD though. But I honestly thought that I had been better, happier, and mentally healthier than I'd ever been before. And now I'm questioning it.
Weeks went by, I thought he had gone away from the idea after me telling him that he was wrong. But it came up again. I just didn't understand... because I'd been feeling motivated, having ideas for art, and spending lots of time working on them. But apparently this was just another piece of evidence of my addiction??
Now he says that he has seen me wipe coke off my nostril and sniff it, and that he heard me say "sorry I'm an addict".... neither of which actually happened. He thinks I've been leading a double life, going out and partying with our mutual friends and leaving him out. Which is extra hurtful because I've spent most of the last 8 months with him instead of doing a lot of stuff with other people.
I know, you're probably thinking that he is probably a bit crazy and this is his problem. I think he is delusional but I can't help wondering if there is something wrong with my behaviour too. Of course, I know no one here can really tell me whether there is or not. I guess I'm just posting about this to ask if anyone has had something similar to this happen to them, and how they dealt with it? I really have no idea how to.
I actually almost begged him to believe me and trust me a few days ago. I thought I had started to get him to see that he was imagining things. We made up and went for food, and today he said that he thought I had taken more drugs while we were at the table eating....that my eyes were really intense and that I seemed like I was coming up because I was being hyper and saying funny things. It's so upsetting when someone is constantly watching your behaviour and judging it. I feel like I can't relax around him at all. We have pretty much broken up now. But there's a part of me that wants to be able to make him see that he is being crazy so we can work it out. But maybe I'm just being stupid.
It's just a real dampener on the positivity I had been feeling lately. This is the first time in my entire adult life that I've been sober for this long and actually enjoyed it, and felt empowered, and the person I was closest to has seemingly taken that power away from me... To think that my natural bahaviour and personality are akin to the signs of a long-term user of cocaine... That my eyes are so intense that I looked like I'm constantly on drugs.... he even said I couldn't brush my teeth without rattling around in the bathroom (I have no fucking idea what he's talking about tbh).
I don't know if anyone here can help, but thanks if you read this and thanks to anyone who can share anything. I just feel really kind of alone right now and really, really fuckin confused.
