Boyfriend fresh out of rehab for alcohol relapses on weed

[Scrupscrup]

My BF and I have been together for almost 5 year, battling alcohol problem. Im 23 he is 26. He never seen it as a problem even tho everything was crashing around him, we been thru it all. Drunk , no work, cheating. Fights. He's a good person but corrupted. Battling his demons finally he decided to go into rehab. It changed him around. No more drinking smoking. It's great, a weight off my shoulder because being that I'm with him all his tribulations became mine. I can finally trust him, knowing he isn't drunk, lying. I felt better. I was going to leave him. But I can only imagine how hard it is dealing with an addiction to substance. I decide to still stick around, with the terms that no more substance.
He has been moody and rude but I try dealing with it cause I know it's hard .
I don't want to leave his side but it's hard for me to.
He finally got a job , a place, and has been doing well, it's only been a month since rehab. He stopped going to IOP or AA due to his "schedule" Latley he's been mentioning weed. How he wants to smoke, I don't press the subject cause he knows he shouldn't . I don't think weed is bad but when you have an addictive personality it's no good. He over did everything before rehab. Cigs, weed, alcohol. He goes out one day I don't question his motives cause I figured he knows he shouldn't . He hangs around bad people still and I keep forgetting he is fresh out and temptation occures. They all drink and smoke. He hasn't fell in since he has been out.
He texts me that night saying he's going to smoke . Like it's nothing. I drill him trying to be supportive like " no don't do it, don't open up that door again. Don't donit " after 30 mins he tells me "just kidding lmao" I laugh and tell him he scared me and drop it. He keeps going saying " but I really do want to" only a few pulls and then I won't ever smoke again" he tells me lets
Compromise. Let him smoke one last time and he won't do it. Like really? How can he have the nerve to tell me to compromise when I'm still on his side like a mother to her child . I felt like it was dejavu all over again except with weed not liquor. I keep telling him no. He agrees. When we meet back up I see his eyes all red ...... He smokes. I get so upset cause it's like a slap in the face. I try so hard to keep Him steady and strong. And he does this to me. He denys it and lies in my face like I don't lmao! We argue and I can get a little crazy when I'm mad but it just hurts cuase for the first time in my whole relationship I starting feeling secure like we can actually get somewhere together with out this in our way and he fell right back in. So soon only a month in. He finally confess to me and said he told 3 pills he didn't think it was a big deal, he was addicted to liquor not weed. He wanted to see how it was, he relapsed and he won't do it again. I'm crushed. I know people use weed after recovery bit with him it's different . He can't handle things like this. I'm so lost . He did t want to let me leave home. Saying I need to be an adult about this. But how? I feel like his problems take over my thoughts and actions and mood. I feel suffocated and lost. I went home and he texted me saying he is a failure and messed up. I can't believe his cousins and friends let him relapse knowing how hard he worked just to get to where he is. He called me in the morning saying can I take him to an AA meeting. I really don't want to. I feel like he uses those excuses just to get me back.whay should I do? Should I keep trying to make this work and help him or realize he is still going to do what he wants? He's so rude when he wants to be. And before rehab he abused weed, he goes to the next thing. Even in rehab I would notice him telling he they gave him nicotine patches for cigs and he would wear it to sleep cause it would give him crazy dreams and he liked it . Sometimes I think that just Might be him. I just need advice. I'm not very rational

 

[CrazyBirdGuy]

He is human. A LOT of people relapse after rehab no matter what the rehab is for. And, I don't mean to be rude but I can't think of a kinder way to say it but, well, you do come off as a tad overbearing in your post. Maybe it's just because you're upset which is understandable. I've seen people go to rehab and fail a few times before getting it right, sadly rehab and often the year or two after someone starts going to rehab is a very hellish time for everyone involved. If you think he's the type of person who belongs in your life then you have to be understanding that he will fall out the saddle a few times, I have never known ANYONE who managed to kick the habits first try. If he really wants to go clean and dry, he's gonna need your support, not your anger.

Not saying it's not OK to be angry, it is, but you need to look at it from his side too. It's so easy to get so wrapped up in our own wants and emotions that we can overlook the emotions and struggles of those around us that we care about.

 

[Scrupscrup]

Yea, you're right. I agree, thanks for the input

 

[Kaden_Nite]

Minus the rehab part, I was in a similar situation when I was younger. I was using lots of ganja, started seeing someone (she clearly didn't have a problem with my cannabis use) and wanted to be able to go out with them without being high, so I decided to quit smoking. Two and a half months down the track, she goes home early one night and I'm offered some weed. I'd really been craving it, so I figure why not? Next morning, she is angry at me, making me feel like I'd fucked up, like all the effort that I'd put in to change was wasted etc. She was really upset and so was I. Within a month I was back to smoking daily.

The reason I started smoking again was because it felt like my choice, the same way that deciding to stop was my choice. The second that someone tries to control something about me -I'm not saying that it what is happening in your case- I feel powerless. I felt like the effort I'd put in to make her a more significant part of my life had been wasted and that she was thankless for it. I now realise she was just worried about me, but it has to be a choice that people make themselves and I honestly feel that a some people use drugs because it gives them some 'sense' of control over their own life (despite the reality of addiction seeming the exact opposite).

This is why I don't like the AA, 12 step model of handling addiction. Where people need to admit they are powerless, where people turn their back on you if you are using because they consider it 'enabling' etc. I believe that we all have power of these substances and that we need to find that power through personal growth rather than being shamed and made to feel bad and made to feel powerless which, in my oppinion, just perpetuates the problem.

Explain the way you feel, tell him that at the end of the day- it's his choice, the same way that sticking around is your choice. Try not to be judgemental or think too much about the what ifs because the future is anyone's guess. Hope you both can work things out