Mental Health Borderline Personality Disorder, and did drugs make my sober life dull forever?

[Darksidesam]

Back in april i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder/ Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder.

I believe i have been living with this mental illness for many many years though. Anxiety, irritability, Depression, Mania, Insomnia, Self mutilation, suicidal thoughts, bad interpersonal skills, lack of girlfriends in my life, lack of friends , and no close bonds with vast majority of my family either, all which I think are due to this illness.


Ive not used drugs for about 2 months or so now. Ive been completely clean apart from my prescribed medication 10mg olanzapine Anti psychotic (I take half) and 25mg lamotrigine mood stabiliser , bipolar and epilepsy medication (i dont have epilepsy

Since 2010 I started using drugs, I'm 22 years old now, and was 19 when I first tried drugs properly. In order of what I tried Top to bottom is first to last (anything in Bold i used a fair bit)



Ecstasy
Cocaine
Speed
Ketamine
DXM
Valium
2cb
Methoxetamine
Codeine
Cannabis
Nitrous Oxide
Magic Mushrooms

prescription drugs ive been tried on:

Citalopram SSRI anti depressant
Mirtazapine anti depressant
Sertraline SSRI anti depressant
Zopiclone Sleeping tablet

The anti depressants made me too manic and crazy and stay awake for days on end and got me arrested for first time in my life.
I found they made me more depressed in the long run


So yeah i been clean of all drugs apart from my prescribed olanzapine 5mg a night and 25mg lamotrigine and i still feel brain fogged spaced out out of touch with reality,

did i fuck up

 

[spork]

It takes time. Often with a BPD diagnosis things even out a bit as you get a little older as well. I was diagnosed in my mid twenties and now that I'm 32 a lot of the symptoms no longer apply to me. Drug use can amplify BPD as well and sort of blur everything together. I haven't used any recreational drugs since probably April and things are a lot clearer for me than they were before. Does your psychiatrist know about your drug history? Are you getting other therapy besides medications?

 

[Darksidesam]

Ive also heard of the BPD getting better as you get older, i guess this is due to independence im not really finding mine getting better, not that its getting worse but life is exposing it all the more, i find stress makes my symptoms much worse until im in a state of cutting myself and wishing i could die, its like a huge emotional pain.

my psychiatrist knows about my drug history and they are sorta blaming my drug use on it, i agree to an extent if instead of getting on it i worked on repairing my life, but ive been told i lack life skills by the psychiatrists.

no other therapy i was promised some but never got it so far.
I think they wanted to try and level me out with medications then approach it if not im just like a ticking time bomb that keeps going off.

Im about to be evicted and end up homeless soon so that will have a profound impact on me id say.

 

[spork]

Push on the therapy and if you have to find another provider to get it, do so. Behavioral therapy did so much more for me than medications ever did and it will help teach you those life skills that doctors are saying you're lacking. In the meantime, I highly recommend you check out a couple links that might be of help.

TDS Mindfulness Thread
DBT Self Help (I don't really like how this site is organized, but there's a TON of good info/advice here)

If you are evicted, will you have a place to stay? Even if it's just a friend or family member's couch it's better than being on the streets. Talk to people that are close to you now and let them know what's going on and that you might need their help when the time comes.

Feel free to PM me, Sam. I know how hard this is for you right now and am here if you ever want someone to talk to.

 

[Darksidesam]

ill try and sort somewhere to live in the meantime, trouble is im very attached to my white german shepherd i will not leave he's side, never have never will.

Ill check those links out thanks for the support