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Bondage and Domination fixes relationships!!

psychoblast

psychoblast

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 11, 2000
Messages
3,695
Location
So. Cal.
It turns out, when women want a man who is confident and takes charge, they really mean they want a master / slave sexual relationship. And maybe they don't even know it themselves.

I was raised to be a very feminist-type male, very "nice' and deferring. I had a lot of girlfriends who could not climax, though they'd rave about my looks, size, prowess, it was a mental thing.

Recently decided to address this issue of boring sex life by proposing role playing, she agreed. After one "session," we were both blown away. Once I had her agreement that I was 100% in charge, that I could be completely selfish, I found myself taking charge in a way I did not know was possible. I also wound up being very lavish in my attention on her, communicated to her what I loved about her, what I found sexy about her, etc. Also, when she surrendered any choice in the matter, it let her mind relax, all she had to do was follow orders, and suddenly she FELT a lot more from her body, like she had taken some kind of sense-enhancing drug. Our sex became a lot more creative, in session and outside. Even our interactions outsdie of anything sexual became more loving.

We also learned that harmony is found by us both having set areas of our life where we each have final say, and the other ONLY has the power to suggest or request. A ship cannot have two captains or it is disaster. In a relationship, in a household, you can divide up areas, topics, and say , "Your in charge of this, I'm in charge of that." And it works SO much better than trying to be equal and do everything by partnership or committee.

I was meditating on this and it occurred to me that humans evolved to have this kind of dominant / submissive male/female relationship over hundreds of thousands of years, maybe longer. It has literally been a few hundred years we have tried to stupidly pretend that is not organically evolved into us, that was an error of our ancestors and can just be set aside by choice, causing us all to have confusion about our gender roles, to have sexual dysfunction, etc.

I'm not saying men should be in charge or women should be second class citizens or anything like that. I'm saying once we RECOGNIZE that we are swimming upstream, that our gender equality in daily living is contrary to something hardwired into us, we can then make ACCOMMODATIONS. For example, an hour of master/servant play can unwind a lot of knots that get into your psyche. So rather than go back to a male-dominated society, I think the solution is to make sure you incorporate dominance and submission in your relationship in a balanced way.

I actually don't even think it must be the man in charge, or the same person always in charge. As long as you have well-defined roles, with one person in charge, it will make everything go more smoothly and love will flow.

I'm definitely not into pain or grossness in sex, but I do think the BDSM lifestyle can be literally enlightening and can help couples ascend in spiritual maturity. Because when you accept a new truth that you have been told to reject over and over, it lifts you up. Forget politically correct, follow your heart and follow what feels true to you.

Oh, also, as a couple, my lover and I have a lot of baggage and have hurt each other in the past, emotionally. In our sessions, I get to explore this, punish her as I think is appropriate for what she has done, then tell her she is forgiven, and the slate is emotionally cleared. And she gets to take charge when she wants to clear baggage over what I've done.

I guess I'm not really thinking you have to be into leather or bondage, the real key is the Power Exchange. You make an agreement,you set boundaries, and then you TRUST and LOVE without those boundaries, and it is really liberating.

We'll I'd explain more, but I am short on time.

~psychoblast~
 
This might be more a blog thing but perhaps we can see where it goes for a bit anyway.

Many females are more dominant and many males are more submissive so I don't think this goes for everyone.
 
llama12:

Is a forum just for information requests? How is an thread about bondage and domination not appropriate for the "sex, love & relationships" forum? The appropriateness of a thread is not judged based on how many responses it generates. Plenty of appropriate threads come and go with 2, 1 or even zero responses because, while appropriate, they did not stir any reader to respond. The very fact you would even consider this thread being inappropriate shows you need to grow as a moderator. YOUR ROLE IS NOT TO CURB FREE SPEECH. You should encourage as much on-topic posting as possible, and ONLY consider getting rid of posts that are off-topic, not posts that are simply not typical. How boring, if you only allow on-topic threads that match YOUR preconceived notions of what kind of threads should be in this forum! What are you even doing moderating a forum with an attitude like that?!

And if you read carefully, you will see that I say it probably does NOT matter if the roles are reversed (i.e., dominant female, submissive male). However, the theory I am postulating that seems to best fit my real-world observations (and my degrees) is that humans evolved to have the male be dominant and that men who SEEM submissive have simply not yet DEVELOPED that part of themselves, and so they are incomplete, and women may sense the need for a dominant personality in a relationship and may try to fil that roll, but that too is contrary to our evolved nature as a species. Can it work? What does it mean to "work"? That you can put up with it? That you can bear it? That the universe does not explode if you live that way? Sure, it may work. But is it OPTIMAL. Does it lead to MAXIMUM FULFILLMENT and PERSONAL GROWTH?! My theory says no, unless you are literally born with reverse hardwiring (like gay men, say), then it might work. I think the key is to ADMIT the hardwiring is there and then work with it as you see fit, but know that if you spend your life denying or fighting your hardwiring, you may be shortchanging your personal development.

~psychoblast~
 
Well the hard-wiring might not be fully one way or the other, there's all sorts of possible hard-wiring options, that's the point llama made I think, but I agree with your basic premise that people should explore themselves more fully in the bedroom. Trying new things is never bad, IMO, but just because the total dominance thing worked for your girl, and it does in fact work for many, if not most, girls, doesn't mean it's the only way. I do agree that many of today's male's submissive traits are simply the result of cultural/psychological confusion in light of the feminist movement, and it's simply easier and more polite seeming to appear docile when that's not really your true nature, but that's not the same as saying it's wrong for a straight male to be submissive.
 
psychoblast - your opinions may very well be somewhat valid, however, the way you soap box and ram them down our throats is counter-productive.

Have a think about how you come across, and remember: what works for you does not necessarily work for everyone as you always claim it will. Sure, you may have fixed up something in your relationship, but don't let yourself think that you are discovering a universal relationship "fix" that you must inform everyone of every time this happens.
 
psychoblast said:
llama12:

Is a forum just for information requests? How is an thread about bondage and domination not appropriate for the "sex, love & relationships" forum? The appropriateness of a thread is not judged based on how many responses it generates. Plenty of appropriate threads come and go with 2, 1 or even zero responses because, while appropriate, they did not stir any reader to respond. The very fact you would even consider this thread being inappropriate shows you need to grow as a moderator. YOUR ROLE IS NOT TO CURB FREE SPEECH. You should encourage as much on-topic posting as possible, and ONLY consider getting rid of posts that are off-topic, not posts that are simply not typical. How boring, if you only allow on-topic threads that match YOUR preconceived notions of what kind of threads should be in this forum! What are you even doing moderating a forum with an attitude like that?!

And if you read carefully, you will see that I say it probably does NOT matter if the roles are reversed (i.e., dominant female, submissive male). However, the theory I am postulating that seems to best fit my real-world observations (and my degrees) is that humans evolved to have the male be dominant and that men who SEEM submissive have simply not yet DEVELOPED that part of themselves, and so they are incomplete, and women may sense the need for a dominant personality in a relationship and may try to fil that roll, but that too is contrary to our evolved nature as a species. Can it work? What does it mean to "work"? That you can put up with it? That you can bear it? That the universe does not explode if you live that way? Sure, it may work. But is it OPTIMAL. Does it lead to MAXIMUM FULFILLMENT and PERSONAL GROWTH?! My theory says no, unless you are literally born with reverse hardwiring (like gay men, say), then it might work. I think the key is to ADMIT the hardwiring is there and then work with it as you see fit, but know that if you spend your life denying or fighting your hardwiring, you may be shortchanging your personal development.

~psychoblast~
Click to expand...
I think the concept of hard wiring you can throw out the window, every partner I have had has been quite different; peoples sexuality seems to be a bit of a mixed bag. Just because one aspect of BDSM is of interest it doesn't necessarily follow that they will or wont enjoy other aspects of the same.

People will continue to surprise you too, don't make the mistake of thinking you have it all worked out. Certainly not in general for all humanity and not even for a current partner.

Its great that you guys are exploring, but don't worry about putting a theory behind it - just have fun. Be sure to communicate and that mean you need to listen and REALLY listen properly. Just because all the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place for you, perhaps there is something missing or a piece that doesn't quite fit for her. Given your attitude in the quoted post, this may be an area you need to focus on.
 
Yeah so you think couples should stay together for the children and if the relationship is failing, enter S&M. I am not likely to follow your advice, man. If it is broken and you cannot fix it.....let it go.
 
this thread is full of random hate. lol. quite entertaining

OP whatever works for you i guess. s&m as a way to take out your frustrations? hmm. dont think it will work for me.

power is an aphrodisiac, the absence of power and control is for me a turn off

^^also weapons tend to fall into the hands of people who like to use them, thus is the nature of violence as a profession. has been and always will be the way.

advert for army- "ever wanted to kill someone and get away with it? join the army.."
 
Bondage and domination doesn't fix relationships, open and honest communication of your needs and desires fixes relationships. If Bondage and Domination is how your relationship creates a space for unrestrained communication, kudos. Other people have found other ways to do the same.
 
well im aroused

theory is the key word im looking at in his posts
it makes for good perspective when commenting on someone's thoughts

ive been reading and watching a lot of documentaries lately about evolution and there is indeed something carnally sexy when the male is in total control of a certain situation. i dont believe men can have any more of a thought than women, it's not that...it's the expression of total male domination because it's their nature to dominate. if you look at it in terms of the here and now the perspective gets all screwed and it looks chauvinistic. im hardly a follower so mixing that into my daily life would be troublesome, but sex is entirely different.
 
pofacedhoe said:
this thread is full of random hate. lol. quite entertaining

OP whatever works for you i guess. s&m as a way to take out your frustrations? hmm. dont think it will work for me.

power is an aphrodisiac, the absence of power and control is for me a turn off

^^also weapons tend to fall into the hands of people who like to use them, thus is the nature of violence as a profession. has been and always will be the way.

advert for army- "ever wanted to kill someone and get away with it? join the army.."
Click to expand...

Or, it ends up that those who are repulsed by doing so avoid it.

I was just offering him a good wholesome BDSM experience, sure, you might call severe brain damage not safe or sane, I call it edge play.

For the record, I enjoy BDSM, just OP's post hit me in the face with so much smug I figured an equally over the top post, a la rangrz, was in order.
 
rangrz said:
Or, it ends up that those who are repulsed by doing so avoid it.

I was just offering him a good wholesome BDSM experience, sure, you might call severe brain damage not safe or sane, I call it edge play.
.
Click to expand...

lol!

if i could get away with murder and do it to someone i disliked but didn't have to risk a combat situation, of course it would be very tempting but there's no one that fills me with that much bile at the moment. i do think it would give a juicy rush tho
 
Back by popular demand is this here thread. I promised the OP I'd open this today. For some reason, I thought it had more posts, so it wasn't as bad as I thought.

To the OP, usually, we close ranty stuff that is just talking about something without asking some type of question. In the future, please keep stuff that is just telling people things or ranting without really opening conversation in your blog. That's what llama is talking about when she said she might close your thread.

For instance:
"Women should stay with abusers." RANT/Blog material
"Should women stay with abusers?" Question and left open for people to respond.
 
Lyisis:

Your distinction above is meaningless semantics, as BOTH posts open a discourse about a legitimate SLR topic. The CORRECT distinction is between DIARY-type posts verses posts that open up debate. My original post proposed a cultural-wide phenomenon and invited debate on that topic, it was NOT a mere diary entry or rant. I certanly hope the people on SLR do not read or agree with the above distinction you are making as it will reduce the SLR forum to nothing more than a fluffy Dear Abby forum when it has more potential.

I had posted a lengthier reply on this point, but I am removing it at Admin's request, so I'll leave it at that.

~psychoblast~
 
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Back on topic...

First, I disagree with those responders who seem to take the position that everyone is different, so any attempt to find a cultural-wide remedy or approach for sexual dysfuction is necessarily false. Just becauase every person is different on some levels does not mean each of us is 100% unique, or there was never be ANY legitimacy to any human science from medicine to psychology to sociology.

The fact that we all share a largely overlapping evolutionary history, and a largely overlapping cultural influences. To the extent those cultural influences do not gibe with our evolutionary make-up, disfunction results. It is neither unreasonable, not unlikely, that we can employ similar tools to address such disfunction. So, it is not unreasonable to think that if I found a way with my wife to access and resolve some disfunction through power exchange, that this may very well work for a large number of others in our society. Could there be other tools that address the same disfuction? Maybe. I don't happen to see anyone throwing out any proposal for what has worked for them along these lines. Rather, the critics seem to assume there is another approach, but no one is actually saying they found one, or what it is.

[content removed, alasdairm]

Perpetual Indulgence: You say if it is broken and you cannot fix it, let it go. What I'm telling you (and others) in my posts, is that IT IS ALL FIXABLE. This notion that relationshps cannot be fixed is like the notion that criminals cannot be redeemed. Everyone can be rehabilitated. Everyone can be redeemed. All relationships can be fixed. But in this lazy, short-sighted society, people like you give up if the going gets touch, so you never see it through and realize the personal growth that awaits a person who does NOT give up. And you wonder why you are single again?

Panda Bear: I agree that open and honest communication is key, maybe THE key. Perhaps it DOES all come down to finding a space in which the people can be completely open and honest. However, it is possible that that space REQUIRES some form of power exchange. For example, I have always fancied myself more submissive than dominant, shied away from assuming a dominant role in bed, fantasized about submissive roles. However, once it was put to me to be the dominant one, I chose to embrace that role and find that part of me. What resulted was me finally being confronted with the question, "What EXACTLY do I want if it is COMPLETELY up to me without concern of being too selfish or being judged for my desires?" Then the answers started to come. I learned, and am still learning, much about myself in this fashion. Honestly, if my wife and I had just sat down and she said, "Tell me what you really want sexually," while we were having a conversation, I might have said, "to be submissive," or I might have floundered. The process of power exchange, if you fully commit to it for even a brief time, creates a space and a tool for self-knowledge and shared knowleged that may be unique or uniquely effective. Is there a way to gain the same kind of self-knowledge, and to effectively share it, without power exchange? Maybe, or maybe not. Again, no one seems to be suggesting, "Oh, I got to the same place doing x, y or z." It's like I have tapped into some knee-jerk denial that people feel "Oh, that cannot be!" without any real coherent counter-arguments or alternative theories on human sexual psychology.

I don't mean to sound arrogant, I just approach life always looking for commonalities, for universal truths (or at least subjective truths that may apply beyond the individual, such as culture-wide truths). I happen to have degrees in psychology and philosophy. I have taken post-graduate courses at the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco. I'm offering my thoughts on here, as they occur to me, because (1) I sincerely believe these things may help others achieve personal growth and relationship success, (2) I sincerely want to here reasons -- well-articulated reasons -- why people might disagree, since I am completely open to the possibility that my opinions may require revision (i.e., I am proposing theories that explain what I am observing in life, but the more I observe, I expect the theories to evolve).

It is like the physicists who look for the natural laws of the universe. I am looking for natural laws concerning human sexual behavior, and if some one can have a dialogue on that level, great.

My ego does not require that I be right, only that I be honest in my belief and in my recognition of my own fallability (sp?). I would have literally LOVED if some one had come on here and said, "Oh, you are on the tip of the ice berg, but there's a whole lot more you have not yet realized, as you are new to this" or "I understand why you believe what you believe, but there is a limiting factor you are not recognizing and here it is...." We ALL go through life with blinders on. And sometimes we cannot take our own blinders off because we do not even know they are there. I'm trying to help others take off their blinders, and I'm wishng others would do the same for me, but it seems it is largely a one-sided endeavor.

Nevertheless, I persevere, with the optimism that here may be others who live life in this style, in this pursuit of self-growth and sharing the fruits of that self-growth with others in case it resonates with them and allows them to personally or spiritually grow.

I feel like we are poised at a precipice where so many people are living like sheep, just going with the herd, following what is P.C., ignoring what they dont' want to see, not stepping back and taking responsibility for thinking about the long view, the big picture. Between the questions (1) what is best for me, and (2) what is the fundamental truth of the universe, there is a middle ground, a gray area, that people seem to ignore, at least the people I know of and interact with, the people responding in this thread, where you ask, "Where is humanity headed? Where SHOULD we be headed? Where do we WANT to be in 5000 years and how do we get there?" It seems 99% of people just want to shrug it off, and ignore what is perhaps the MOST critical type of personal and societal inquiry. Once people lift their heads up from looking 1 to 5 to 50 years in the future, and do NOT get caught up looking a billion years into the future (Oh my god there's no hope for us!! Some disaster will surely wipe us out by then! Our star will burn out!! We'll be hit by a comet!") there is a middle ground of WISE EVOLUTIONARY PLANNING on a scale of thousands of years. Without that, we are basically running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

I think the sex drive -- and the love drive -- are critical in addressing this, which is why much of my life's attention to honest assessment of the sex drive (and love drive) in human nature. Well, that and it's a lot more fun than studying dirt or bugs IMO.

Anyway, sorry if my sincerity comes across as smugness. I really would LOVE to be proven wrong, because that would mean the state of knowledge as been advanced, and that is truly my goal. Because knowledge eradicates ignorance and ignorance gives rise to a lot of unhappy shit.

~psychoblast~ .
 
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Op in all honestly I like your whole sex idea style, but there's one thing that I think everyone else can agree on here......
YOUR TOO Cocky!
Mr.know-it-all seems like you need to get tied up and shown who's boss;)
Bondage is not a common style of sex! It's not vanilla it is a fetish and
NOT EVERYONE IS INTO IT.
I attend fetish parties, and I enjoy getting tied up and choked out, but I don't expect just any or every guy to be Into It or fuck me that way. I know it takes a certain guy to do this and more importantly know what he is doing
Do you seriously think i can go about telling all my girl friends what im in to, I don't even talk about sex because my mind is in the gutter:) when it comes to sex.
So keep your little sick tricks to your self this is the dark side of sex and it seems like you really enjoy it! I don't know how far you have experimented with bondage and submission but you seemed to be fancied by it so it must be kinda new to you.

With bondage and submission YOU MUST HAVE AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION with your partner
That's why you and your wifey opened up so much which is good! seems like you guys had a communication Issue
but not everyone is into what your into and you have to respect that
and not everyone communicates through bondage
very rare
 
It's funny..I really enjoy somewhat rough sex and all that jazz but my significant other seems uncomfortable with it. I'm a female and he's a male BTW. He keeps saying that he'll try it (he's never done it before) but he hasn't. I have to admit, I'm unfulfilled sexually because of this.
I told him prior to us getting serious that I enjoy roleplaying in bed once in awhile (in the submissive role usually) and he said that even though he had never tried it, he was fine with it and willing to learn. Now that we are together, he gets everything he wants in bed (and I do mean everything, lol) but I don't because of this. I don't know..is it possible to stay in a long term relationship and be happy even if you're not sexually fulfilled?
 
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