Bluelight Singles thread "Living without justification" Part 2

[Wacky]

Less chatter and more um..less justification, I guess.

Sorry,Raz




For myself,I'm been single for quite a while.Too use to it,which probably isn't a good thing .

But,when it comes to finding a girl.I know I want a quality relationship,NOT quantity of partners.I guess,quality over quantity .

Anyway,at the moment I'm just happy living my life :D,can be lonely being single sometimes .But,I'm greatful for what I do have! .

 

[Raz]

If someone uses it as an escape from relationships, then so be it i say. There must be a reason for that. If you need to be by yourself and had enough of the opposite sex.. then take a break! I HIGHLY recommend it. You learn more about yourself than any other time. No point in getting to relationships when you aren't ready .... it will only turn into a mess.

See, to a degree I think this is really healthy. I was in this position for a long time, where I did actually run from relationships a million miles an hour, but I was totally aware that I was doing it because I didn't feel that I was in a space to be able to be in a healthy relationship at the time. I compare this to friends of mine who meet someone, fuck a couple of times and then suddenly it's the world's greatest romance until they realise a week or two later that it isn't, and then they break up to continue the whole messy cycle ad infinitum. Of those two options, I know mine is way better on everyone involved.

The problem comes though when you get so used to behaving in that manner that you have to teach yourself not to; I'm not that fucked up anymore, but I've been chasing guys away for so long that I'm not really sure how to move beyond that. I know I'll figure it out and I'm not worried about it in the longterm, but it's still kind of annoying.

In the meantime though I get to have lots of drama-free sex, so there's an upside to everything really...

 

[drEaMtiMe*@#]

Originally posted by Mary Poppins
oooooooh yes

i know where you are coming from there raz, you have to ask yourself when you are constantly attracted to the unattainable whehter this is an inner defence mechanism preventing you from having relationships, or a conscious decision on your behalf not to settle for 2nd best

i'm like raz in that i am totally happy with myself, and though am not actively pursuing a r/ship, i'd like to think if i met someone who i dug, that I wouldn't make it hard for myself

exactly. although i know that i do like to make it hard for myself un- fucking- fortunately

 

[endlesseulogy]

When it comes to being single there are days where i love it and there are days where i feel asthough i want someone closer to me.

It really depends on alot of factors. But when it comes down to it... why do we feel the need to call a relationship a relationship? Sometimes to me having a girlfriend seems to be extreamly ego-indulgent and self-centred and unnessesary. Do we really need someone to make US feel better? But see if you figure yourself out you will realise you dont need anyone. SEX and RELATIONSHIPS i class as two totally inter-dependant factors which sometimes get muddled up in a mish-mash of conflicting emotions. Either way its all extreamly complecated.. however i still cannot justify why i always question what i believe and end up thinking its time for me to get serious... I just brush it all away and call it a phase i guess... Temporary lonliness? Winter?! I admit i sometimes confuse having intense feelings of connectedness to an individual with the urge to be tied down with someone.. But they are separate..Ive never really wanted someone to control and justify my own existance and make me feel good(lust)... I want someone to open up to and connect with on many many many different levels. However since these two different scenarios are extreamly similar in their manifestation, it becomes confusing for me.

Only people of intelligence, energy and patience will find that still point on which the universe turns. Unfortunatly life for those who cannot or will not face the present moment is often violent and punishing; it's not nice; it dosnt care. Still, the truth is that it's not life, it's ourselves who are creating this misery. But if we really refuse to look at what we are doing - and i'm sorry how few people will - then we're going to be punished by our life. And then we wonder why it's so hard on us.

However, for those who patiently observe the now - for those people there will be more and more a taste of the joy in a relationship in which no-self meets no-self. In other words openness meets openness. It's very rare, but it does happen. And when it happens i dont even know if we can use the word 'relationship.' Who is there to relate to whom? You can't say no-self relates to no-self. So for this state there are no words. And in this timeless compassion (love is too vague) there is, no yesterday, no tommorow and no today. All there is in this situation is pure appriciation of each other's presence.. not thinking about what the other is thinking or or no motives or anything like that... (this is alot harder then it may seem believe me)

Nomatter how many times i find myself getting lonly or unhappy by myself,or getting attracted to someone, deep down inside i still stand by my belief that the best 'relationships' come about by pure intention, zero politics, and 100% self-less motivation....If you are doing it for yourself then you will slip up somewhere along the way... This dosnt nessesarily mean i practice what i preach.. like everyone, confusing conflicting emotions sometimes take over and create havoc for me... but this sometimes makes me wonder... do humans have an unexplained subconscious attraction to emotional upheaval?

 

[Mary Poppins]

i don't believe that any action can be 100% selfless

i wouldn't say relationships and sex are completely seperate entities either....i believe love and sex are completely mutually exclusive - but relationships i believe need sexual contact, if not sex itself, to inherently survive.

in context of love and sex. i think this is why i'm not an advocate but.....i guess not firmly entrenched AGAINST cheating - [contextualised of course ] because i can completely understand purely lustful feelings, that can occur regardless of deep love and affection [as well as lust even] that you hold for other people.....

EE in regards to your question - do humans have an unexplained subconscious attraction to emotional upheaval? I would tend to say in a lot of cases, yes. Some of my friends who prima facie seem to be "so laid back" "lovers not fighters" are insidiously and in the most passive agressive way, drama/conflict addicts. By steadfastly maintaining the hard line on being laid back they seem to cause more upheaval than if they had acquiesed slightly and shown more emotion.....

it's something i think about a lot

 

[endlesseulogy]

^^ Zen Buddhists would give a very convincing account of why this happens...

1. Social conflict creates a gap between you and that person. "them and us". We need "them" to clarify the position of "us". Without "them" there would be no "us", therefore the ego of "us" suffers greatly.

2. Social conflict is avoidance of reality and we have been trained to ignore reality and look to the past and future. Reality is now, this second. Reality isnt tommorow. Tommorow is a fairytale created by your mind. Hypothetically, the argument that happened last week is also a fairytale because its not real because reality is now. Social conflict enables us to avoid the now because somehow we are scared of it.

"Arguing justifies your existance. it gives you the feeling that you are you. However the you in you is the same as the you in me"

 

[Mary Poppins]

point one i think is an incredibly astute observation.

i definitely think the motive for conflict for 50% [blatantly fictional figure ] of people is to "remind" the other person that they exist...hence picking fights, silent treatment...blah blah blah balh

the other 50% [again - blatant generalisation ] are those who incite conflict passive agressively by not involving themselves with "healthy" emotional...or at least involving themselves less than the other person in the conflict....

hope this makes sense

 

[endlesseulogy]

^^

These observations made are all subconscious ofcourse.. We dont consciously figure about them. But thats like most things in life, things we consciously hate, we end up following. It shows the true hypocritical nature of the human being.

I believe strongly that there are two forces inside us that confuse and manipulate us greatly when it comes to relationships. We have nature and society. Nature refers to our natural urges. I believe humans are naturally compassionate and caring. However the society we live in conditions us to think otherwise. Culture has a big part to play however we never realise this. We are forced to act the act and ignore our natural urges. Sometimes acting that act may seem instictual and natural however thats how well disgused this baby is. This is where the confusion starts. The majority of us sadly continue to have these spiritually-devoid "politically correct" relationships that follow rules, guidlines and criteria. We complicate things and get bogged with notions and terminology. Is this freedom?

I once had a girlfriend who told me she wanted to have sex with other women and I saw absolutly no problem with that because she was genuinly wanting to quell her natural urges. However its when it dosnt make sence that I start to freak. Its when people change their attitude based on superficial things like "what other people will think". This isnt a relationship. This is political correctness.

You can use the same theory for sex. Why is it that alot of women like being dis-respected in bed? Well bascially because its their natural attraction to masculinity. Its natural for men to dominate, not shameful. But society, TV and magazines will tell you otherwise. According to society women want gentle and emotional. This may be true as well but a fine balance must be observed in this case of conditioning vs nature. I often find myself falling into the trap of political correctness and ignoring my masculinity as if it were a bad thing. Why would women want men who are exactly as emotional? You can be masculine without being a jerk.

Either way in a perfect world it wouldnt be complecated. There wouldnt be confusion, complecation, competition, excessive emotion and jealously. There would just be what is. That is free unconditioned compassionatness and connection.

But then again, maybe we need all these negitive things like confusion and complecation to contrast them with the positive when they come about?

 

[Mary Poppins]

^^

I once had a girlfriend who told me she wanted to have sex with other women and I saw absolutly no problem with that because she was genuinly wanting to quell her natural urges. However its when it dosnt make sence that I start to freak. Its when people change their attitude based on superficial things like "what other people will think". This isnt a relationship. This is political correctness.

You can use the same theory for sex. Why is it that alot of women like being dis-respected in bed? Well bascially because its their natural attraction to masculinity. Its natural for men to dominate, not shameful. But society, TV and magazines will tell you otherwise. According to society women want gentle and emotional. This may be true as well but a fine balance must be observed in this case of conditioning vs nature. I often find myself falling into the trap of political correctness and ignoring my masculinity as if it were a bad thing. Why would women want men who are exactly as emotional? You can be masculine without being a jerk.

Either way in a perfect world it wouldnt be complecated. There wouldnt be confusion, complecation, competition, excessive emotion and jealously. There would just be what is. That is free unconditioned compassionatness and connection.

But then again, maybe we need all these negitive things like confusion and complecation to contrast them with the positive when they come about?

EE - fantastic points!!! I totally agree with what you say regarding your ex-gf......sex with other people does not necessarily represent a crisis of faith in their feelings towards you, more I feel, a natural representation of their sexuality - and one which does not NEED to be detrimental to the r/ship.

In regards to masculine vs. feminine roles and fighting against said roles - i have argued this point SO MANY TIMES with people, and it is actually surprising how many people end up agreeing with it. Women wonder why they're attracted to "assholes". Said assholes are normally men who act stereotypically "masculine" and disregard society's attempts to quash masculinity and encourage the SNAG syndrome.

Men who adopt SNAG technique are often, after a few small, short-lived successes, left wondering what they've done wrong to turn women off - afterall - they've become what they wanted haven't they?

Wrong. Women's inherent nature is of course to not "understand" or sympathise with the masculine viewpoint - hence why the two genders are constructed differently - and inequally - so in trying to "understand" it - women endeavour to change men, or think they want to change men, into replicas of themselves.

When the transformation does occur - lo and behold...YUK YUK what is this monster I have created? I want a "real" man. Le sigh. I'm trapped in a gender who knows not what they want. 8) [and of course i don't speak for all...just a disarmingly large number of them]

They say it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind. It would want to be

 

[CHiLD-0F-THE-BEAT]

Originally posted by Mary Poppins
Men who adopt SNAG technique are often, after a few small, short-lived successes, left wondering what they've done wrong to turn women off - afterall - they've become what they wanted haven't they?

^Exactly right - - - it's when men become something they're not - - - ie: adopting traits and ideas they didn't work up to in their natural course of relationships when it all becomes short-lived, insincere and fake.

Nobody can adopt a mode of thinking like the SNAG model consciously - - - you're either born that way, or you travel through life and come to that emalgamation of character traits - amongst other various traits of course.
You don't choose to become a SNAG. .

-=Runs back out of thread=-

 

[endlesseulogy]

But i think people confuse "spirituality" with "snagism".

I have emotions at the appropriate time. I dont cry unless i have a goddam good reason to do so. Many SNAGS have a tendency to force themselves to cry because they want women to like them. This gets back to what i was talking about earlier regarding selfish goals. They are projecting a certain image because they WANT something from it, when all along just being themselves maybe would have been best. Everyone does this. Well not everyone, but the majority of people on the face of this Earth are all living in totally spiritually-deviod WANTING relationships. We are always searching for something better.

But what is yourself...?

Sit in a dark quiet room and listen to your breathing and then you will find out who you are. Its as simple as that.

 

[Backo]

I used to be a pussy too, then I stopped taking drugs and talking shit. I got my libido back and women seemed to be more interested in me cause I wasn’t that shy guy who sat in the corner of the room talking about feelings through disjointed cliché similie and imagery.

Ive been seeing a girl for a few months now, I feel its easier to be yourself when u actually feel like yourself and not constantly struggling to be yourself.

Winners dont use drugs

 

[Munchee]

I used to be a pussy too, then I started taking drugs and talking shit. I got my libido back and women seemed to be more interested in me cause I wasn’t that shy guy who sat in the corner of the room talking about feelings through disjointed cliché similie and imagery.

Ive been seeing a Mrs Palmer for a few months now, I feel its easier to be yourself when u actually feel yourself and not constantly struggling to beat yourself.

Winners dont drug users


Sorry backo, I just had to.

 

[katmeow]

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs


As for me... some days (like today) I'm still kicking myself for walking away from something which had the potential to be great. Others, I'm certain I made the right decision for me right now, cos I know I have alot of things to work out before I'm ready to try a relationship again.

Question: Do you think being on your own makes you become selfish?

 

[leecie]

Question: Do you think being on your own makes you become selfish?

Not necessarily 'selfish' but you do fall in to a certain way of thinking. You are so used to only having to think about yourself that when you initially start to see someone you find yourself weighing things up and trying to balance your own personal time with what you want to invest in someone else.

I had been single for almost a year and i was so set in my ways that it took a little bit of time to adjust to having to think about someone else. Although now I have no regrets.

 

[420star]

Question: Do you think being on your own makes you become selfish? [/B]

i don't think being on my own has made me selfish. i just don't have a girlfriend to share things with. when i'm in a relationship i expect that there are things that we both enjoy together & other things we may do apart. though lil leecie i think i'll find it a little strange at first having to think of another person (if i ever meet someone that is )

 

[Mary Poppins]

i think it "technically" makes you become more selfish - as in some people could term it that. some unknowledgeable hacks that is

no...in all seriousness, i think that [ideally - i realise doesn't work like this for everyone, some people truly are lost without someone else] it teaches you that you are worth a lot, as one person - without an intimate partner to validate you. It teaches you to appreciate yourself, and therefore put your own happiness first, more so than you would probably do if you were in a relationship.

I don't think this is a negative way of thinking, and probably makes people better in relationships after, as they may not be so quick to pander to other people's demands, as they realise that acquiesing isn't the key to happiness - it's about getting some things that YOU want as well, not just everything that someone else wants, or even worse - convincing yourself that it's what you want as well

oh dear. i could go on for hours. 8)

 

[Pop Popavich]

I still think you gotta be selfish in a relationship as well, you have to maintain your own person or you'd be completely fucked if the relationship ended.

Exactly. Not only that but if you don't maintain your own person while in a relationship, it could be exactly that that causes the end of it all. I know when I have been in a relationship in the past and my GF hasn't done her own thing, (she essentially shaped her life around me and expected me to do the same), it caused far too much stress on things and in the end meant that neither of us were happy.

I think being on your own helps you learn how to be selfish, which is an extremely important thing, especially if you are someone who naturally gives an awful lot of yourself in a relationship. As Mary Poppins said above, I think it teaches you to appreciate yourself and what you need to be happy. Ultimately I think this will lead to healthier relationships down the track as you are able to find a happy medium.

Interesting question Kat.

 

[kandyraverchick]

I'm 100% positively single (no fuck buddy, nothing...)

It's fine, I guess. I intend on remaining this way for quite some time now... No particular reason really - I'd be fine to get up and continue with relationships. I just cbf - went into my last fuck buddy relationship after coming straight from another relationship, could probably do with some 'real' single time now .

 

[ozbreaker]

to 'lil leecie, iamtha1, 420Star, Mary Poppins and Pop Popavichs posts.


I don't want to be responsible for my girlfriend feeling trapped and unable to do her things as much as i don't want to be this situation myself. As that trapped feeling leads to unhappiness, unhappiness leads to resentment, resentment leads to hate and hate leads to bad plot lines.

It's an interesting challenge to balance your own personal interests and your collective interests and theirs as well.

Sometimes it's easy to feel that I am 'obligated' to do things when it's not actually the case.

The expectations you have on your partner, or their percieved expectations of yourself is probably what breaks most relationships. Having expectations is what leads to most arguments.

Its a hard thing to juggle and get right at times .