Blood of the Unborn - open for criticism

[New]

The stench of metal undeveloped
Viscous textures down my throat
The art of aborting and de-souling
Slowly became my managed rote

The past becomes my future meal
My present to my current lust
Rage and heat flow through my fingers
As I devour its liquid rust

The innocence and purity
Make the kill that much sweeter
Those ignorant of truth and love
Are my sustenance, by the liter

Beings with no recognition
I rend outward from their core
My adrenal surge of high approval
Makes me hunger all the more

These unknown lives, these shadow humans
Those without womb - the worst offense
I seek their essence without abandon
And drink their souls - yeah, that makes sense

I feed off the souls of the unborn damned
Those beings made from scorn and hate
Devouring antichrists, two-by-two
Redeeming your race from its very fate

 

[IXinX]

I never knew misanthropy could be so sexy

 

[New]

You know, you can tell me you hate it if you want to. It's open to critique. I understand that my poetry is not exactly top-notch and a tad trite and conventional, but I'd like to hear your opinions as well!

 

[(Wordy)]

From a technical point of view, your command of rhyme, rhythm and metre is pretty good, although the fourth lines of the first and third stanzas ("Slowly became my managed rote" and "Are my sustenance, by the liter") are stretching the rhythm a little. They work if they're enunciated in a certain way, but the rhythms aren't as natural as the rest of the poem.

I think the theme and subject matter have plenty of poetic potential, and the style you've employed is a pretty good fit. Although "yeah, that makes sense" seems a little sloppy because it breaks with the "highly wrought" style, and seems to be there for the rhyme more than anything else.

In my opinion the poem could be improved by adding more sensory detail and imagery. The first two lines are the most sensory of the poem, and this is what makes them appealing to me:

The stench of metal undeveloped
Viscous textures down my throat

Maybe you could aim to bring more of this into play... because otherwise the poem is a little abstract, and you're not offering much to the mind's eye of the reader.

 

[New]

So, what you're saying is that the poem is too ethereal, and that some of the lines seem to be there just for the sake of themselves?

Yeah...I could see that...thanks!

 

[(Wordy)]

So, what you're saying is that the poem is too ethereal, and that some of the lines seem to be there just for the sake of themselves?

I suppose you could call it ethereal... but no, I'm not really saying that some of the lines are "there just for the sake of themselves", apart from "yeah, that makes sense". Most of the lines seem worthwhile because they're building the character of the protagonist (the "I" of the poem). I just think you could try to make your descriptions and imagery more vivid. To me the subject matter lends itself to sorcery, necromancy and incantation, so if I were you I'd aim for conjuring... in a poetic sense. After all, isn't poetry a series of magic words?

 

[exoiced]

You put maybe a little too much effort into it...
but I enjoyed reading this poem, I often picture the writer behind the poem while I'm reading and I thought of someone heroic while reading this. (stoned)

 

[New]

I suppose you could call it ethereal... but no, I'm not really saying that some of the lines are "there just for the sake of themselves", apart from "yeah, that makes sense". Most of the lines seem worthwhile because they're building the character of the protagonist (the "I" of the poem). I just think you could try to make your descriptions and imagery more vivid. To me the subject matter lends itself to sorcery, necromancy and incantation, so if I were you I'd aim for conjuring... in a poetic sense. After all, isn't poetry a series of magic words?

Yes, I see that now. I read it over now, and it doesn't seem "real", it feels like a thought that was never formed. Words need life to express meaning, and you've shown that very clearly. I will keep that in mind. Thank you for your time.

You put maybe a little too much effort into it...
but I enjoyed reading this poem, I often picture the writer behind the poem while I'm reading and I thought of someone heroic while reading this. (stoned)

Yeah, I feel I put too much effort into a lot of my shit. I'm glad you enjoyed it, though.

Sorry I keep bumping this, this is just the first honest critique of my work that I've taken part in - it's kind of exhilarating to recognize and admit that just because I made it doesn't mean I can't learn and improve from it.

 

[indelibleface]

It would totally work as lyrics to a death or black metal song.

That's my way of saying I like it.