Blink of an eye.

[*Cosmic Mist*]

This is the latest set of lyrics i've written for my band... please let me know what you think.
Everyone is here today -
They've arrived content and now sit in my shade.
I came seeking peace,
I thought my thoughts would allay
But this turbulent disturbance
This glowing of the pines
Leads me further to myself -
That child internally crying

I could be 1000 people
Drawn into the blink of an eye.
I could enchant you with loving devotion
Then leave you alone - high and dry...

I sit in my park full of empty sun
Breathing the stale air,
Waging a war of deception and trust
Against all holding me here.
Behind this fence i watch them at play,
Running so blind and so free -
Never a lonely emotion displayed -
Minds so cold and empty.

I could be everything you've ever wanted -
All gone in the blink of an eye.
I could be with you from your very inception,
But only if you choose to comply...

I breathe in the airs of my lonely enchantment -
I'm sure that you know, and don't give a damn.
I believe in your truths - honest dismemberment -
And finally realise that i understand...

 

[harraser]

misty my dear do you listen to a band called Lacuna Coil? coz this reminded me a lot of them. and i approve!! like all the other songs, you have to contact me when youve put music to this ok!!

 

[*Cosmic Mist*]

If you're interested in hearing some recordings of us that we did about 6 months ago (read: they're not very good recordings, but we were on a limited budget and needed a demo) then click here and you'll be sent to my band's website. Go to the "Multimedia" link at the bottom of the main screen.

 

[smileyfish]

*Cosmic Mist* - I think it'll make a great song - really love the chorus lines, love the feel og the whole thing. Just a suggestion though: two lines I felt could use a little tweaking to get the rhythm just right...
I thought my thoughts would allay
I sit in my park full of empty sun
Although they fit ok into the verse structure, they don't run smoothly within themselves - the lines aren't properly balanced, if that makes any sense.
But then again, I'm no critic, so tell me to shove it if you so please.

 

[*Cosmic Mist*]

^^ No, i appreciate others' critiques... it allows me to see my weak points.
I agree with you now, having read them over... but if that is the only problem with the song, than i'll leave it, because our singer will find a rhythm that suits her best, and she often tweaks the words to fit the melodies anyway.
Thanks though...