Blind-sided by addiction... Now what?

[casual44]

I've always had a great willpower. Even through my few experiences with methamphetamine, supposedly one of the most addictive drugs, I made it through okay.

Then someone introduced me to mephedrone... and it fucking grabbed me and pulled me down like nothing I've ever experienced. I was completely blindsided by this quasi-legal stuff!

The past two weeks have been utter bliss and utter hell, as I alternated between the best highs in the world (I like the high much better than X or meth combined, my previous favorites) and the worst periods of craving as I tried to stop using it. I missed work, missed sleep, missed parties, and pissed off my boyfriend and others just so I could get high. After a week, while coming down in a moment of clarity, I told my boyfriend to hide the rest and we would save it for a special occasion. When he went to work just 12 hours later, I tore up the house trying to find where he hid it. When he got home, I begged him until he gave in and gave me the rest of the stuff.

Yesterday I threw the shit out and braced for the worst.

This morning the cravings were so bad I dug through my drawer to find empty baggies of mephedrone and licked them clean of the dust left in them. Then, not getting the high I wanted, I started doing whatever other drugs I could find, making myself sick, fucked up, and missing work again. And not doing anything for the craving.

Ordering more meph is just a mouse click away. I only haven't done it yet because I'm looking for more instant gratification than the 2-3 day delivery time an order entails. But I'm scared it's just a matter of time before my willpower gives out.

What do I do? I've never experienced a complete and total collapse of my willpower like this. The thought of just sitting at home with a big bag of the stuff getting high all week long makes me tingle with excitement. I know that's completely sick, but in my mind it feels so beautiful and so perfect...

 

[itsok]

well do u really want to keep going?
if not, consider some other options for support.
admitting i needed outside help was the hardest thing for me. but maybe u can do it on ur own if u so choose.

 

[casual44]

Things are quite a bit brighter in my mind today, though still feeling the dark shadows passing by. It's like someone else has been in my body for the past few weeks and I'm finally coming back in control...

 

[itsok]

glad to hear things are better. u r lucky u didnt transition into full blown psychosis and not know it. do u have social support who know about ur struggle?

i remember giving up all access to my money first to a bf and later to my parents so i. wudnt score heroin.. it didnt really work.

also when i had an iv coke and smoking crack addiction getting on adhd meds curbed my craving for stimulants. now i dont abuse or seek them unless im speedballing of course..

 

[chitown rollin]

I'm glad you are feeling better, that's awesome! I was an addict not too long ago myself and it may be difficult, but you can do it. Abusing drugs all the time will not get you anything but hurt.

 

[TheLostBoys]

I'm glad you are feeling better, that's awesome! I was an addict not too long ago myself and it may be difficult, but you can do it. Abusing drugs all the time will not get you anything but hurt.

^^^^^

I agree with this statement. I believe if you wanna get high, do it now & then, you will enjoy it alot more. For the people with an addictive personality, its gonna be tough to pop an oxy or snort a line once a week.

Even the richest & most famous people fall victims to heavy drug use & sometimes they take their own lives because of the severe depression caused by the drugs. Like I said before, if you wanna dabble in drugs, do it once in a while or they will get you.

There are people that can do drugs successfully for decades & keep it under control. Those are very few that can but it can be done.

 

[anterrabae]

I would try staying away from it. From what you wrote, it doesn't seem that you can use this drug in a responsible and reasonable way. The longer you keep from it, the easier it will be. My advice? Time and sobriety.

 

[casual44]

Thanks for the support everyone. I had an interesting experience since I posted last... I'm not even sure I should post it because I don't think it is at all a recommended course of action for someone with an addiction problem. Maybe it's even a little unbelievable... But it is working for me, so I will put a few notes about what happened.

As I mentioned, when I have been craving the mephedrone, I take whatever I can find to try to replace it. Well I stumbled on a lucky accident... I happened to get access to some magic mushrooms. I haven't tripped in about a year, but I was craving some kind of euphoria because I had been so upset without the drugs, so I took some.

Well, I mis-dosed. What I intended to be a few giggles and colorful patterns turned into an all-out spiritual journey that literally felt like it went on a lifetime. I'm not religious or spiritual AT ALL, so what I'm about to say sounds silly to me in retrospect, but it was so real... A "mother spirit" appeared to me and lead me through the process of being reborn (literally - I hallucinated being born again as a baby) and rebuilding myself and my life. She taught me that I have the strength I need to stop relying on drugs and alcohol like I have been.

There was a lot more that happened, but suffice it to say that it was one of the most profound experiences of my life, and it's changed me. The next morning I felt completely different, in control, and much stronger. And what's more, the cravings were completely gone, and they still are. I don't even want to use mushrooms or alcohol any more, except on special occasions.

I think this is a lucky accident for me. I certainly wouldn't recommend a drug addict to do more drugs... But... For now I feel like a new person, and I am confident for once in my strength to control my own life...

 

[anterrabae]

Actually it is not all that uncommon for psychedelics to alter one's addiction and pattern with drugs. That is why I love mushrooms so much, they give you much insight and a refreshing outlook on one's life. And while I do enjoy and love the experience, it has been well over two years since I have used them.

 

[campaigns]

That's great! Mushrooms are the best.