Blessed by Distance--getting away from everyone and everything

[Ozekat]

I recently moved out of my hometown city, the one I grew up in fragmented doses and also the same place I spent during the era of 2001-2015.

Anyway, I used to get on bluelight two or three years ago when I had first started using meth, and before. Maybe some of you remember me, maybe not. Regardless, since I have moved out of the "city" that I had so many terrible drugged out memories, to give you a glimpse me and my dad would almost always have some insanely drugged out bums living in our house with us-- the worst that it ever got was when an "old friend" came to stay with us and had brought his girlfriend and 1 year old son with him--whilst cracking our house up continuously every waking moment of everyday. I'll never forget how I felt when he was staying with us and I would be coming home from work-- I had a damn good job but I knew that it did not matter whatsoever because once I would get home there he would be waiting, sitting in my room and sickeningly eager to push crack or coke on me.....bear in mind I realize that I AM RESPONSIBLE for the drugs that I consume, HOWEVER.....situations such as these are absolutely demoralizing and debilitating.....I eventually kicked him and his family out, where she and the son moved far away...

Now, I am the one who has moved away. It can be painfully boring and quiet out here where I live now, but through the months that I've been here I have been able to summon up this kind of inner peace....it is truly remarkable that I can finally REFLECT on what all has happened in my life since the end of 2012! This would not have been possible if we had not moved away from the doom and gloom of that old house, and the countless people in my old city that I NOW CHOOSE to have nothing to do with because I can finally see clearly who is a "friend" and who is merely "misery loves company." I even quit my last job because, 1. my boss ripped me off, 2. this guy I tried to help out and got him a job ended up relapsing way bad and would bring dope into work too often. Fuck that shit. Maybe I will be strong enough in the years ahead to not be swayed by "dope at work" but no, for now fuck that shit.



Though I am still fighting somewhat with meth use I truly believe that the longer I can soak in this self-reflective environment and just be totally myself out here....that my use of meth will dissipate more and more as time goes on. I was always so willing to accommodate the most terrible human beings not only in my life but even letting these fools have free room and board at my home....just openly inviting the darkest energies into my life. Its like I'm still learning who I really am and what I really want to be....like a clean, blank slate.

I've been through hell....and its time to move on. I hope that you guys can get clean, too, and hopefully, if you don't already eventually will have a "safe-haven" type of place to call your own.

Moving out here was the best thing that has happened to me in YEARS.

 

[herbavore]

Of course I remember you Ozecat (in my mind your user name always morphs to Ocelot--one of my favorite animals). I am so happy to hear that you got the courage to move away and that it is working out for you. It sounds like you must be out in the country. I really do believe that nature--being close to nature for at least a part of everyday--is an insanely overlooked "treatment". Our problems--whether they are with addiction or something else that impacts our lives so thoroughly, convince us that the entire world/universe/existence is all about us and our own nagging minds--but it is bigger and there is a part of us that can be at peace knowing this. It is a knowledge that we all once had as children. Being in the slower rhythms of nature can link us back to that awareness. It doesn't make problems disappear, it just equips us to see those problems through a larger lens.

I'm really happy for you and I hope you will share more of what this experience has been like for you--both what has been difficult and what has been good.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I hope you stick around Ozecat, I would really like to get to know you. You seem like a very cool human being

 

[SunSpot]

Hi Ozekat I'm so jealous! Your new living place sounds like some nice farm in the country, which is exactly what I want. Being stuck in a multi-million city sucks, at least to me and my family.

Your story about the house is quite interesting, but sad too, that poor toddler! I guess you're working up to quitting, that's a wonderful thing to do. I'm struggling right now get off kratom after kicking an opium habit. Btw do you have any plans that will make you stay busy during your detox? I guess if you're out in the boondoogles there aren't a lot of stimulating jobs when you first get there and no one knows you. But there's always the internet, and if you're a good writer you can earn good money.

Anyways, hope everything works out for you!

 

[Ozekat]

Thanks for all the good vibes, everyone. I'm glad that I am remembered!! I tended to still be young and naive in a lot of my past threads, for instance I would just use SoberLiving as a temporary "confessional" (LOL) to get how bad I'd been recently bingeing on meth off of my chest....just to turn around and go relapse at a moments notice. I think thats why I backed off of bluelight for awhile.

Herbavore-- almost that entire post you made was some enlightened stuff to say....I have the feeling you've been through the shit and figured a few things out. I am finding out that human-to-human interaction and dialogue is crucial to one's happiness....wisdom will be gained as a matter of course whilst engaged in compassioniate dialogue...My point is people are too distant, withdrawn and judgemental thesedays. Smartphones are killing tangible social interactions.

nope, not living on a farm (though I'd like to experience that again) I'm just far enough away from the only other big city in ky that isn't louisville hahaha...down south a ways.

Anyway you guys rock, yeah and guess what? since being unemployed since january it looks like I am finally going to be working with my dad (construction materials sales mostly) in about 1-2 weeks. One of the new guys is quitting to go be an electrician so I lucked out on having a job land in my lap AGAIN. I'm glad.

Will post again in a few days. Thank you guys.