Blank Expressions. Emotionless. Hopeless. Once again I sit at the crossroads.

[OpiateKiller]

It's 2:36 PM, Eastern time. My facebook timeline is full of old friends at various parades and bars, celebrating the Irish tradition of St. Patrick's Day. I happen to have a good bit of Irish in me, but my celebration of my roots is one of solitude. I just finished a shot of cocaine, the last that I had, a habit I started merely 4 days ago.

Flash back to Friday night, my girlfriend says she is going to bed. I head to the downstairs bathroom and load up a shot of #4 Heroin. Very pure, a little on the big side because I had been abstaining all day. Half way through the shot I stopped because I knew I was going to at the least go out for a few hours. The last concious thought I had was I should clean up these drugs, spoon, cotton, etc. But I didn't get the chance, boom, out.

I awake to my girlfriend on the phone with 911, something I have told her hundreds of times to never do. I didn't care if I was shot, I have told her to never dial that number. The police are not my friend in my town. Plus we had Narcan in the house, which I guess she forgot about. The first responders are already en route, which means 10 cop cars would be at my house in a matter of minutes. I grabbed a sweatshirt, my phone and shoes and sprinted for the nearby woods. I don't deal with cops well.

A few hours pass and I return home, she still awake. She didn't know I was back using. The drugs were flushed, and my spirit was demoralized. I also cut myself deeply on barb wire running through the dark, icy woods.

So now I sit here on this Irish holiday, once again broken and defeated. Partially dope sick, but not too bad since my habit was fresh. Heart beating, sweating the cocaine from my pores. Wondering what is next in this life of sin. I'm not sure if I can get sober again, I can't kill myself because I just won't do it, and I have no options except $140 in my bank account and half a semester left to my bachelors in Finance.

So I sit here, reflecting on all the choices I've made in this life, and I can't help but wish I had that heroin to blast off into oblivion one last time, maybe a shot too big for me to handle, so I could finally put this nightmare to a close.

God Bless the Irish eh?

 

[Mafioso]

It always blows me away when I hear all the crazy shit druggies do followed by the statement that they don't believe they can do something as hard as getting clean. Like trying to stay high all the time is an easy life or something.

Yet I held the same disbelief myself for almost a decade. It's been a little over a year and a half since daily opiate and benzo use. I still struggle with the same type of thoughts with cannabis, but to a much lesser degree. The truth, even if it seems unbelievable, is that if you have what it takes to keep up with the mania and madness that is addiction, then you also have what it takes to get yourself clean.

It's really hard to change directions when you have so much time invested in going one way. That's probably been one of the most challenging aspects of my recovery. Seeing old friends or even people live how I used to live provokes a visceral jealousy in me at times. Certain images can trigger thoughts for a week. The question "does art influence life or does life influence art?" can be applied here, just replace art with social media. Sometimes you just have to break free and let the past stay where it is. I deleted my facebook and don't follow anyone I don't hang out with anymore for this reason. I think it is one situation in life where ignorance can truly be bliss, and in this instance it might be best to remain blissfully ignorant of trivial affairs that only cause you trouble. If they are not going to be a part of my future, then they are only a distraction from the present.


Today is a crossroad you will keep coming back to every day, so long as you keep going around on the circle of addiction. You'll always have the option of getting clean or turning on to the path of recovery. The path will always be there, although some opportunities will not. You can always quit doing drugs so long as you have life left to live, but things like your health, family, and friends might not always be there.

The question becomes how many days are you willing to waste. The idea of one beautiful last send off is romantic, but break ups are never pretty. So long as you keep savoring the taste you'll never be able to let it go. There are greater pleasures than the euphoria of the high. Things like love and truly pursuing your passions. Don't let go of loved ones for something that can never love you back. Don't let go of your passions for something that destroys all passion in you. Love that that loves you, and pursue that which nourishes you.

 

[OpiateKiller]

It always blows me away when I hear all the crazy shit druggies do followed by the statement that they don't believe they can do something as hard as getting clean. Like trying to stay high all the time is an easy life or something.

Yet I held the same disbelief myself for almost a decade. It's been a little over a year and a half since daily opiate and benzo use. I still struggle with the same type of thoughts with cannabis, but to a much lesser degree. The truth, even if it seems unbelievable, is that if you have what it takes to keep up with the mania and madness that is addiction, then you also have what it takes to get yourself clean.

It's really hard to change directions when you have so much time invested in going one way. That's probably been one of the most challenging aspects of my recovery. Seeing old friends or even people live how I used to live provokes a visceral jealousy in me at times. Certain images can trigger thoughts for a week. The question "does art influence life or does life influence art?" can be applied here, just replace art with social media. Sometimes you just have to break free and let the past stay where it is. I deleted my facebook and don't follow anyone I don't hang out with anymore for this reason. I think it is one situation in life where ignorance can truly be bliss, and in this instance it might be best to remain blissfully ignorant of trivial affairs that only cause you trouble. If they are not going to be a part of my future, then they are only a distraction from the present.


Today is a crossroad you will keep coming back to every day, so long as you keep going around on the circle of addiction. You'll always have the option of getting clean or turning on to the path of recovery. The path will always be there, although some opportunities will not. You can always quit doing drugs so long as you have life left to live, but things like your health, family, and friends might not always be there.

The question becomes how many days are you willing to waste. The idea of one beautiful last send off is romantic, but break ups are never pretty. So long as you keep savoring the taste you'll never be able to let it go. There are greater pleasures than the euphoria of the high. Things like love and truly pursuing your passions. Don't let go of loved ones for something that can never love you back. Don't let go of your passions for something that destroys all passion in you. Love that that loves you, and pursue that which nourishes you.

I want to thank you for taking the time to write this. It really hit me hard. I?m gonna set the last 2 paragraphs to my lock screen.

Truer words have never been spoken my friend. My relationship with my girlfriend and family are on thin ice, and I?m lucky they?ve even stuck it out this far with me.

As you said, ?don?t let go of loved ones for something that can never love you back.? Damn I got chills, and I don?t think it?s just the withdrawals speaking.

Thanks for the glimmer of light. And you?re right, as if getting clean is so difficult compared to the daily struggle of an addict.

 

[Mafioso]

I'm glad my words spoke to you.

Unfortunately, when it comes to this disease, an emotional reaction or desire for change isn't enough. I've watched someone shoot up and then start talking about getting sober. Without a plan and constant follow up, it is no different than fantasy- just an idea floating around in your head.

The fact that your girlfriend hasn't left you behind like a burden probably says a lot about her. You've probably got quite a bit to work through with her after you get yourself detoxed. Appreciate the people around you while they are still there and take the help if offered. Don't be afraid to reach out for help even. Getting clean is one thing that seems to only get harder as time goes on and fewer people are by your side.

You can either keep planning out how to get high, or you can start planning on how to stay clean. If things get overwhelming just set todays goal to do better than yesterday. The only way to walk is one step at a time.

 

[kevo1243]

It always blows me away when I hear all the crazy shit druggies do followed by the statement that they don't believe they can do something as hard as getting clean. Like trying to stay high all the time is an easy life or something.

I have not been on this forum for very long or even all that much but Mafioso always has GREAT input. I totally agree with what was said and especially this quote.

About 10 years ago I was 19 years old, in college and felt like I had the whole world ahead of me. Little did I know those 10 years would be just a huge spiral of addiction, depression, extreme anxiety and much more. Around 6 1/2 years ago I was finishing up rehab, a month sober, feeling unstoppable and like I had the whole world ahead of me. Again, little did I know the next 6 years would be much of the same except worse and much more hopeless. I have now been completely sober for around 2 months, the longest I have been my entire adult life. The 2 best words to describe the turn around would be impossible and profound. I choose these words because I would have told you 2 months and 1 day ago that this would be impossible and I constantly think to myself no one truly understands how absolutely profound this accomplishment has been other than myself.

I can tell you my story, what worked for me, etc., etc., but I don't think it really matters to you. Everyone is different and on their own journey. While I agree with what Mafioso said about, "how many more days are you willing to waste", I also think everything has two sides and it can also been seen as part of the journey of life and into the eventual person/Being you want to become.

The advice I'd like to give you for now are in the form of rhetorical questions:
What do you(sober, straight, normal thinking you) really want out of your life - what makes you "happy" or at peace?
What do you need to do to achieve that and what can you do RIGHT NOW to start?
Finally, what or who can help you achieve this?

 

[Shady's Fox]

Only you and yourself can get you out from this because you are your own master. What makes you happy or keeping you at bay? Depends. For everyone it's different, for some people there are relationships which keeps them away from the edge of depressions, sadness & darkness, for some people if not most, there are hobbies, look at how much you are missing 'There it's a fire-camp there', you would think 'ow shit I don't have a lighter that would be perfect', the other side of yourself which keeps you positive would say 'I should grab a cup of coffee and chat with those people ( pressume there are people) to form friendships and being able to take life kick and knees when needed ( being sober).

Regards,

Winter

 

[Mafioso]

While I agree with what Mafioso said about, "how many more days are you willing to waste", I also think everything has two sides and it can also been seen as part of the journey of life and into the eventual person/Being you want to become.

I like that. It's only truly a waste if you don't make anything of it, because there is always plenty to learn even from our mistakes.

Hope you've been doing ok.