Blameless Victim

[anterrabae]

Ever played the victim in a game you had no control over? That began and was started out of nothing besides the kindness of your own. Being generous to make others happy...somehow it backfires, even when you don't expect to be paid back in return. Everything explodes in your face. Suddenly, you're the bad guy. You're the one who's done something wrong. When you have your head up in the clouds, floating about with new relationships and feeling wonderful about what the future has to offer.

And then it all comes crashing. Crashing down to the ground. This palace of beauty and new opportunity has been smashed with the reality that generosity to near strangers will get you absolutely no where besides even further behind where you started at. The world was not meant for the kind hearted and those who want to help others be it physically or monetarily. All you get in return is bullshit. Dislike and resentment. Who cares if you helped them pay some bills or paid for a new piece of equipment needed to get a career going or simply the money to get back and forth, transportation, to help people listen and know of the new idea and perspective the individual has to offer.

I just can't stand living in this world anymore. I am really on the verge of suicide. I know I've said this before, but I cannot live this awful existence anymore. I simply care too much. My empathy is way too large for the types of people I have to deal with day and day out. I cannot separate my empathy and feeling for others between my own emotions and it's just getting more and more difficult to deal with.

I just want out. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to be me anymore. And my own option I beleive, is to off myself. Acquire a shot gun put the thing in my mouth and see where my face goes. I can't do it. I really can't. Someone put me out of my misery.Because I've tried doing it myself and it never works.

 

[Strongheart]

I feel ya, Ive been in the same mindframe before. But you shouldnt do anything drastic. Theres always tomorrow, things will be different and it has to stop raining at some point. Theres more to life and you can enjoy it if you try. Just dont beat yourself up about the past, dont let your memories eat away at you and haunt you. Just work on making new ones. Dont do anything that will hurt yourself. I hope theres someone you can confide in and talk to to get some support.

 

[anterrabae]

Thank you for your kind words. You are really generous with your time and empathy. I'm afraid I don't have anyone to talk to. My desire to end it all grows stronger by the minute. I just wish I had a fool proof method that I haven't already tried.

 

[suessmayr]

Without wanting to appear to be prompting you, there are many 'foolproof' methods. So I think the fact that you're still here would have to indicate uncertainty on some level.

The 'nice guys finish last' idea has been a problem in philosophy for thousands of years. I think that maybe the only way to resolve it is to focus on the way you feel when you do the 'right thing', independently of the sorts of responses you get to it. Practising kindness and honesty for the purpose of receiving kindness in return is illegitimate, though I admit it's something we expect and usually desire. It's a difficult problem.

Maybe a more helpful way to look at it would be to ask yourself whether you think you're the only compassionate person on the planet - surely not, right? Then the issue isn't that you're destined to deal with assholes for the rest of your life, but that you're simply not around the right people at present. Unless you really do think you're alone, then it makes sense to hold onto the idea that it is at least theoretically possible to find like-minded people.

Our world is a crazy, fucked up place, and I really think that it eats up and spits out more people than ever before. But lots of people are aware of this. It's not as though you'll never have edifying relationships.

 

[anterrabae]

Thank you for your reply, suess. No, I obviously don't think I'm special and that I'm the only person with empathy out there. Nor do I think that everyone is a selfish prick. I just think my emotional intelligence is too great to survive in this world. Sure, I get prescibed drugs to dumb me down such as klonopin so I can better deal with being in the company of soulless fools, but it's not enough.

I just want to help people, it gives me satisfaction at the end of the day to know that I've done something right, that I've helped someone accomplish their goal and get where they want to be. That's why I want to get back to working with animals, because it's so rewarding, even the abused ones, the appreciate everything you do for them, and in a big way.

The world is a crazy fucked place. But I'm not sure I'm one for it. I don't think I can handle living in it anymore. It's all too much for me.

 

[Help?!?!]

What does it matter really? For my entire life everyone has stated that i'm an asshole but i'm actually fairly selfless and often hurt/hinder myself in order to help others. I know this truth in my mind and it doesn't really matter if anyone else sees it as it is or not. People are usually blinded up until the moment the flash has dissipated and sight isn't clearly important anymore. In other words, we never see what really matters until its disappeared and long gone. Such is the human condition. Just think about how much happiness you most likely brought to others lives a cherish it, even if they don't. You very well may have been their guiding light or only bastion. Which is pretty meaningful in my book.

 

[arctica]

I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I'm too sensitive to live in this world of senseless tragedy. Right now that empathy and the daily tragedies of life have left me feeling so raw and thin-skinned that I'm hunkered down in survival mode. The flip side of being so empathetic is that you have so much to offer. Not everyone out there is going to stomp on your heart. I think you're a brave person to keep your empathy instead of totally shutting yourself off from the world, despite being burned in the past.

Depression can really warp your thinking. I look back on some of the conclusions I've drawn in the past regarding suicide and other things, and although they seemed perfectly rational at the time, in hindsight it was because the tunnel vision of depression was blocking out everything besides my immediate pain. Try to get through this crisis and align yourself with the small part of you that doesn't want to commit suicide -- the part that led you to post your story here. The world will be a better place with you in it.

 

[anterrabae]

I suppose it doesn't matter that much in the long run...but it would be nice if people gave you the time of day and some fucking respect, you know? Like if they would just acknowledge you, and recognize the trials an tribulations you've been through in order to get to this present moment.

like, despite the atrocities you'e been through, you're still willing to help people with their problems, mostly because you can recognize a bit of yourself in them. You want to prevent others' suffering if you think you can just by knowing how things turned out with your own experiences.

And hey, you seem a lot like me. You want to be friends, eh? Add me!!! Maybe well find some damn help?!? in this world for ourselves.

 

[anterrabae]

Hey, arctica, I think you hit the nail on the head as well. The world is just so bitter. So full of hapless souls that take pleasure in destroying others esteems and livlihood. It's just so ugly.

Are there any redeeming characteristics left to our race? Any good samaritans that want to see others heal and get better? Empathy is dead in my opinion, except for those who are iron willed. To have empathy today is to be able to deal with a lot of scumbags and people out for blood out to gain energy and strength from those who don't have it to spare in the first place.

Man, I often wish I wasn't so smart. Fuck emotional intelligence. Where has it gotten me? Nowhere. I wish I were dumb as fuck so I could enjoy life better. Dumb, or maybe better off, dead.