never gray. its all or nothing with me, it seems. this weekend, and pretty much all the time lately, was such a shitshow. there's a few hours on friday and most of saturday night that cannot be accounted for. its becoming more and more common i wake up in bed and have no idea how i got there. luckily I was with two good friends who wouldn't let anything bad happen to me all weekend. but it's still very unnerving and potentially embarassing to black out and act belligerent. it's not usually my style. i thought that i had left all my trainwreck behavior back in high school and college.... to be honest I am not even sure why I feel the need to get soooo fucked up lately. like just a little bit is never ever enough. i have to go big or go home. and it doesnt matter what other people tell me or what responsibilities i forgoe. I go through these wild phases sometimes. I think this one needs to end now though. I dont like where it is going. and im starting to feel a bit out of control.
