PuristLove
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 11, 2000
- Messages
- 1,694
Ruth 1: 16 "And Ruth said, Intreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God."
Despite the odor of stale urine wafting out from the room, he pushed the door open with his elbow and stepped in. She lay on top of the covers, dressed in a gown so stained he could no longer tell what color it was originally. The television was on with the sound muted.
"I brought you some Baby Ruth bars," he said, setting the plastic bags down on the bed and rifling through them until he found the package of candy.
Naomi's eyes fluttered open. "Get out of my room you faggot." The oxygen tubes running into her nose distorted the words, but he knew what she said. It was the same thing she always said.
"After I give you a bath, you can have one of these candy bars, but only one. Then I'm fixing dinner," he told her. He put the bag of candy down on the bed beside her, a physical reminder of his promise. Then he continued to remove his purchases, unloading soap, toothpaste, and a package of adult diapers.
"You ain't gonna do shit. Get out of my house, gayboy."
Continuing to ignore her, he carried some of these items into the bathroom and turned on the water. He tested it against his wrist every few seconds, slightly turning the knob until the water was perfectly adjusted to lukewarm.
When the tub was half-filled, he went back into her room. Leaning over her, he tried to carefully ease the breathing apparatus away from her nostrils. For short periods of time she was alright without it. Once the doctor finally talked her into giving up smoking, the emphysema halted in its tracks.
She shook her head, resisting him. When she bit into his hand, he cursed, and immediately regretted it. But he couldn't help getting frustrated sometimes. If it wasn't that he loved her son so much…
He jerked his hand away from her, making sure to snatch the tube as well.
"Trying to suffocate me?" She snarled at him, now fully awake. "Kill me off like you killed my boy?"
That was too much, he fled the room. He stumbled into the kitchen and pulled down a glass from the cabinet. Filling it with water from the tap, he set it down on the counter. It took several deep breaths to get himself under control enough to take a drink without choking.
Once the tears were fought back behind the armor where they belonged he started towards Naomi's bedroom. Before he'd taken two steps the alarm on his wristwatch went off.
Time to swallow more pills. Taking what was left of the water with him, he went to the living room. He sat down on the couch, which served as his bed, and began removing pills from bottles on the coffee table.
One, Two, Three, he counted them out as he read the labels to insure he was taking the correct medications. There were eleven in all, not counting all the herbal crap. If you counted those, and he really didn't, there were easily two dozens.
But he had a promise to keep. So he threw back his head and dropped the gel caps down his throat. Didn't even bother to take them one at a time anymore.
It didn't matter that he didn't want to live anymore. Someone had to stay here and take care of Naomi.
He took the shortcut to the bathroom, bypassing her bedroom, and cut the water off. It was half an inch from overflowing. Christ, she'd really give him hell if he got water on the floor.
When he entered her room, after draining a little water from the tub, Naomi appeared to be sleeping again.
"I hear you in there, running that water. You better not think you're taking me anywhere near that water."
He didn't hesitate. Placing his hands in her armpits, he lifted her easily from the bed. She was wasting away. Not being able to breathe left her with little appetite.
Holding her body against his chest, he carefully untied her gown.
"Thought you were queer?" she mocked him.
He slipped her arms through the sleeves, which wasn't an easy task when she couldn't stand on her own.
It was even more of a struggle peeling the wet diaper off of her. It squished when it hit the floor. He realized he'd need to change her more often or she'd start chafing.
The actual bath went by as easily as possible for an uncomfortable task like that. She didn't like it and neither did he, but eventually they just resigned themselves and got it over with.
"Want some spaghetti for dinner? It's that or fish sticks," he asked once he'd slipped a clean gown back onto her.
"Can't taste either one. Doesn't matter."
He started towards the kitchen, holding his breath for the insult that would surely follow.
"Long as you aren't gonna ruin it by making me eat it with you."
The door slammed behind him.
*
He awoke the next morning, rubbing the grit from his eyes and trying not to remember anything that had happened the day before. A reminder was calling to him from the bedroom. Or groaning. Anything louder than whispery rasping and that cigarette-ruined-throat of hers turned words into inhuman noises.
It wasn't until after he'd brewed coffee, had a cup, and taken his morning medicine that he opened the door to her bedroom.
"We're gonna be late for Church," she said. "But I guess a Sodomite like you wouldn't know anything about that."
"Service starts at 12:00. We've got two hours. Now as long as you don't make things difficult we can get there on time."
It had been a longtime since he'd entered a Church. The thought of spending time in one made him queasier than usual. He spoon fed oatmeal to Naomi, and forced himself to eat despite the horrible nausea.
She didn't resist as he got her into the flowered Sunday dress. He was nearly done with her hair when she suddenly snapped. "Why are you doing this?"
He pulled the bobby pins from his mouth and answered, "Because he loved you."
She was silent after that. He stopped the van on the way to church and picked up a couple candy bars for her. "In case you blood sugar gets low during the service," he said.
Approaching the church caused his palms to sweat. As he pushed her wheelchair up the steep walkway painful memories jerked him from the present. He watched in his head, over and over, as the preacher condemned him in front of the entire church.
His embarrassment and shame had turned to anger over the years. How could a just God allow such hatred to be spewed in his name? He didn't allow himself to consider the worse option, that God himself was the hateful one.
When he dropped Naomi's oxygen tank on his foot, it brought him out of his memories. A young man flashed a smile his way and grabbed the door. "Glad you could make it today, Miss Naomi. We've missed you."
She nodded, and motioned for him to continue pushing her inside. It was difficult, but after a long drink at the water fountain he brought his nerves back under control. Parking Naomi's chair beside one of the pews, he sat down. Then he though to ask her if they were close enough. When she didn't answer he assumed that they were.
The service began in the usual way. There were prayers and hymns, and he vaguely remembered the words to some of the songs. When the preacher stepped behind the podium, he started to get nervous again. He wasn't sure he could handle hearing about hellfire and brimstone.
"Now I suppose y'all are expecting to hear a bit about sin today?" The preacher asked, his voice deep and booming.
"Amen," a few people replied.
"And I know we often talk about sin. How the wages of sin is death."
"Amen."
He felt the bile rising in his throat as he began to lose the grip he had on himself. Naomi would never forgive him if he embarrassed her here. So he fought down the urge to run and continued to sit.
"But we aren't going to talk about sin today. Because God's love has washed that all away."
"Amen!" It was loud this time.
"God loves each and every one of you."
"Amen!"
"Any sin is between you and him."
"Amen!" Was that his throat that just opened up and joined in?
"We're going to talk about God's love today. His unconditional and infinite love."
He felt something stir inside him, it was a feeling he'd shut off ever since…
Naomi passed him half of her Baby Ruth.
When they got back to the house, after they'd had lunch, Naomi spoke. "There's a shoebox under my bed. I want you to go get it."
After a little fishing around, he found the box amidst the dirty tissues and clutter. When he put it in her hands she told him to open it up.
Inside it was filled with photographs. Laying on top was a picture, his love wearing his graduation gown and cap.
"I want you to have these."
He felt his mouth go dry. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. Barely able to speak, he asked, "Why?"
"Because he loved you."
Despite the odor of stale urine wafting out from the room, he pushed the door open with his elbow and stepped in. She lay on top of the covers, dressed in a gown so stained he could no longer tell what color it was originally. The television was on with the sound muted.
"I brought you some Baby Ruth bars," he said, setting the plastic bags down on the bed and rifling through them until he found the package of candy.
Naomi's eyes fluttered open. "Get out of my room you faggot." The oxygen tubes running into her nose distorted the words, but he knew what she said. It was the same thing she always said.
"After I give you a bath, you can have one of these candy bars, but only one. Then I'm fixing dinner," he told her. He put the bag of candy down on the bed beside her, a physical reminder of his promise. Then he continued to remove his purchases, unloading soap, toothpaste, and a package of adult diapers.
"You ain't gonna do shit. Get out of my house, gayboy."
Continuing to ignore her, he carried some of these items into the bathroom and turned on the water. He tested it against his wrist every few seconds, slightly turning the knob until the water was perfectly adjusted to lukewarm.
When the tub was half-filled, he went back into her room. Leaning over her, he tried to carefully ease the breathing apparatus away from her nostrils. For short periods of time she was alright without it. Once the doctor finally talked her into giving up smoking, the emphysema halted in its tracks.
She shook her head, resisting him. When she bit into his hand, he cursed, and immediately regretted it. But he couldn't help getting frustrated sometimes. If it wasn't that he loved her son so much…
He jerked his hand away from her, making sure to snatch the tube as well.
"Trying to suffocate me?" She snarled at him, now fully awake. "Kill me off like you killed my boy?"
That was too much, he fled the room. He stumbled into the kitchen and pulled down a glass from the cabinet. Filling it with water from the tap, he set it down on the counter. It took several deep breaths to get himself under control enough to take a drink without choking.
Once the tears were fought back behind the armor where they belonged he started towards Naomi's bedroom. Before he'd taken two steps the alarm on his wristwatch went off.
Time to swallow more pills. Taking what was left of the water with him, he went to the living room. He sat down on the couch, which served as his bed, and began removing pills from bottles on the coffee table.
One, Two, Three, he counted them out as he read the labels to insure he was taking the correct medications. There were eleven in all, not counting all the herbal crap. If you counted those, and he really didn't, there were easily two dozens.
But he had a promise to keep. So he threw back his head and dropped the gel caps down his throat. Didn't even bother to take them one at a time anymore.
It didn't matter that he didn't want to live anymore. Someone had to stay here and take care of Naomi.
He took the shortcut to the bathroom, bypassing her bedroom, and cut the water off. It was half an inch from overflowing. Christ, she'd really give him hell if he got water on the floor.
When he entered her room, after draining a little water from the tub, Naomi appeared to be sleeping again.
"I hear you in there, running that water. You better not think you're taking me anywhere near that water."
He didn't hesitate. Placing his hands in her armpits, he lifted her easily from the bed. She was wasting away. Not being able to breathe left her with little appetite.
Holding her body against his chest, he carefully untied her gown.
"Thought you were queer?" she mocked him.
He slipped her arms through the sleeves, which wasn't an easy task when she couldn't stand on her own.
It was even more of a struggle peeling the wet diaper off of her. It squished when it hit the floor. He realized he'd need to change her more often or she'd start chafing.
The actual bath went by as easily as possible for an uncomfortable task like that. She didn't like it and neither did he, but eventually they just resigned themselves and got it over with.
"Want some spaghetti for dinner? It's that or fish sticks," he asked once he'd slipped a clean gown back onto her.
"Can't taste either one. Doesn't matter."
He started towards the kitchen, holding his breath for the insult that would surely follow.
"Long as you aren't gonna ruin it by making me eat it with you."
The door slammed behind him.
*
He awoke the next morning, rubbing the grit from his eyes and trying not to remember anything that had happened the day before. A reminder was calling to him from the bedroom. Or groaning. Anything louder than whispery rasping and that cigarette-ruined-throat of hers turned words into inhuman noises.
It wasn't until after he'd brewed coffee, had a cup, and taken his morning medicine that he opened the door to her bedroom.
"We're gonna be late for Church," she said. "But I guess a Sodomite like you wouldn't know anything about that."
"Service starts at 12:00. We've got two hours. Now as long as you don't make things difficult we can get there on time."
It had been a longtime since he'd entered a Church. The thought of spending time in one made him queasier than usual. He spoon fed oatmeal to Naomi, and forced himself to eat despite the horrible nausea.
She didn't resist as he got her into the flowered Sunday dress. He was nearly done with her hair when she suddenly snapped. "Why are you doing this?"
He pulled the bobby pins from his mouth and answered, "Because he loved you."
She was silent after that. He stopped the van on the way to church and picked up a couple candy bars for her. "In case you blood sugar gets low during the service," he said.
Approaching the church caused his palms to sweat. As he pushed her wheelchair up the steep walkway painful memories jerked him from the present. He watched in his head, over and over, as the preacher condemned him in front of the entire church.
His embarrassment and shame had turned to anger over the years. How could a just God allow such hatred to be spewed in his name? He didn't allow himself to consider the worse option, that God himself was the hateful one.
When he dropped Naomi's oxygen tank on his foot, it brought him out of his memories. A young man flashed a smile his way and grabbed the door. "Glad you could make it today, Miss Naomi. We've missed you."
She nodded, and motioned for him to continue pushing her inside. It was difficult, but after a long drink at the water fountain he brought his nerves back under control. Parking Naomi's chair beside one of the pews, he sat down. Then he though to ask her if they were close enough. When she didn't answer he assumed that they were.
The service began in the usual way. There were prayers and hymns, and he vaguely remembered the words to some of the songs. When the preacher stepped behind the podium, he started to get nervous again. He wasn't sure he could handle hearing about hellfire and brimstone.
"Now I suppose y'all are expecting to hear a bit about sin today?" The preacher asked, his voice deep and booming.
"Amen," a few people replied.
"And I know we often talk about sin. How the wages of sin is death."
"Amen."
He felt the bile rising in his throat as he began to lose the grip he had on himself. Naomi would never forgive him if he embarrassed her here. So he fought down the urge to run and continued to sit.
"But we aren't going to talk about sin today. Because God's love has washed that all away."
"Amen!" It was loud this time.
"God loves each and every one of you."
"Amen!"
"Any sin is between you and him."
"Amen!" Was that his throat that just opened up and joined in?
"We're going to talk about God's love today. His unconditional and infinite love."
He felt something stir inside him, it was a feeling he'd shut off ever since…
Naomi passed him half of her Baby Ruth.
When they got back to the house, after they'd had lunch, Naomi spoke. "There's a shoebox under my bed. I want you to go get it."
After a little fishing around, he found the box amidst the dirty tissues and clutter. When he put it in her hands she told him to open it up.
Inside it was filled with photographs. Laying on top was a picture, his love wearing his graduation gown and cap.
"I want you to have these."
He felt his mouth go dry. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. Barely able to speak, he asked, "Why?"
"Because he loved you."
