I have had a bad case of writers block for the last couple months. Which is funny since I am not a writer. Its not that I dont have anything to say its just that when I start writing it sounds contrived and bitchy. I keep trying to pour my feelings into these neat words and it just gets messy I realize I dont know how I feel. I am not comfortable in my own skin. In fact I repulse myself I wouldnt be my friend and I sure as hell wouldnt fuck me. I am an embarrassment to myself and no amount of xanax can blot that fact out. The last time I felt whole was when I was jamming needles into my arm chasing divinity. Hell I am not even sure I felt it very often then. I often think about moving somewhere no one knows me and starting over but I realize that I am the problem and there is no way to separate me from me.
Man I have lived such a blessed life I am not a virgin I have had a lot of friends. I have had experiences that I couldnt even explain fun that most people counldnt comprehend. I am just not happy and I havent been for a long time. I need a change I need to change. I am scared of so many things it feels like I am drowning in this self doubt, self hatred, self loathing I am dying the slowest most agonizing spiritual death. So I pop another pill and pretend it will be ok. You say what do you want? How can you live up to this image you have for yourself? Its never as bad as it seems the truth is somewhere in the middle.
I want to have the courage to be me. I want to have the wisdom to know who that is. I want the fire to change the world. I want the will to live for me to do for me without thought to other peoples perceptions and wishes. I want to live without this weight dragging me down. I thought it would come with age but it hasn't. I thought drugs would fix it they didn't. I thought therapy would fix me it hasn't. At what point is it rational to realize that happiness is unattainable that the best thing I can hope for is controlled misery? A comfortable cage I can live my life in perhaps a job and a ugly boring women who doesn't intimidate me. See I realize that I have created a self-fulfilling prophecy I have no confidence so I hate myself, then I hate myself because I have no self confidence. This cycle has been destroying my social life since I was a child. I seem powerless to change it.
Man I sound like a whiny bitch.
Man I have lived such a blessed life I am not a virgin I have had a lot of friends. I have had experiences that I couldnt even explain fun that most people counldnt comprehend. I am just not happy and I havent been for a long time. I need a change I need to change. I am scared of so many things it feels like I am drowning in this self doubt, self hatred, self loathing I am dying the slowest most agonizing spiritual death. So I pop another pill and pretend it will be ok. You say what do you want? How can you live up to this image you have for yourself? Its never as bad as it seems the truth is somewhere in the middle.
I want to have the courage to be me. I want to have the wisdom to know who that is. I want the fire to change the world. I want the will to live for me to do for me without thought to other peoples perceptions and wishes. I want to live without this weight dragging me down. I thought it would come with age but it hasn't. I thought drugs would fix it they didn't. I thought therapy would fix me it hasn't. At what point is it rational to realize that happiness is unattainable that the best thing I can hope for is controlled misery? A comfortable cage I can live my life in perhaps a job and a ugly boring women who doesn't intimidate me. See I realize that I have created a self-fulfilling prophecy I have no confidence so I hate myself, then I hate myself because I have no self confidence. This cycle has been destroying my social life since I was a child. I seem powerless to change it.
Man I sound like a whiny bitch.