when i lived abroad i never told anyone when my brithday was coming up. i made a point of not saying anything and much prefered my birthday to pass without any fuss or anyone wishing me a happy birthday.
this year has been no different, only accept i'm no longer abroad i am living back when i grew up and family keep mentioning my birthday coming up, friends keep mentioning what am i doing for it and to be totally honest i would rather not acknowledge it and just the day pass like it was just another day.
i am so good at trying to avoid celebrating and acknowledging my own birthday that i forget about it myself. the one thing that reminds me that it's my birthday is that fathers day is always near, which just passed on the weekend.
i would be lying if i said it's not a nice feeling when people, friends, family, etc.. write a happy birthday msg on your facebook wall, or send you a txt msg, especially from people that you haven't heard from in a while. it feels good, sure... but deep down i don't really feel like it's anything worth celebrating... celebrating a birthday is about another year of your life that you've lived on this planet, the past year since your last birthday... when i stop and think about it, the past year of my life on this planet isn't much celebrating about.
i have gained nothing and lost so much at th esame time.
i was cleaning through some stuff just a few days ago and found a birthday card for my last birthday from a person who means so much to me. she wrote:
thanks for being you, don't ever stop being you every moment with you is cherished. love xxxx
now as my next birthday comes around, that same person is gone... gone as a result of my at actions.
she's still alive living her life, but i'm as good as dead to her.
i would trade in all the birthday wishes and messages in the world just fo rher to talk to me. say yellow. it's th eonly wish i have this birthday is for her to talk to me but i know it wont happen and the thing is i don't blame her.
if anything i hate to celeberate my birthday is because of the disappointment i have within myself. i'm supposed to be happy about another year lived on this planet when really it has been nothing less than the biggest disappointing year of my life.
don't get me wrong, i will be forever greatful for the friends i do have, and the family that has always been there for me, but the fat i managed to destroy the best relationship, the best bond i have ever had, far greater than i ever thought would be possible, is a burden i struggle to deal with every single day.
i am so angry and disappointed, the only faith i can find is artificial. faith that i managed to create within my own head, but deep down in my heart it's shattered, empty, helpless.
the only thing that keeps me going is my head, my natural instrinct to fight another day and continue to fight and try to believe in something great.... but at the times when i become exhasuted from consciously trying to fool myself, i realise that my pursuit for happiness is relentless, especially when i had it with someone and somehow chose to destroy it so goddamn well.
this year has been no different, only accept i'm no longer abroad i am living back when i grew up and family keep mentioning my birthday coming up, friends keep mentioning what am i doing for it and to be totally honest i would rather not acknowledge it and just the day pass like it was just another day.
i am so good at trying to avoid celebrating and acknowledging my own birthday that i forget about it myself. the one thing that reminds me that it's my birthday is that fathers day is always near, which just passed on the weekend.
i would be lying if i said it's not a nice feeling when people, friends, family, etc.. write a happy birthday msg on your facebook wall, or send you a txt msg, especially from people that you haven't heard from in a while. it feels good, sure... but deep down i don't really feel like it's anything worth celebrating... celebrating a birthday is about another year of your life that you've lived on this planet, the past year since your last birthday... when i stop and think about it, the past year of my life on this planet isn't much celebrating about.
i have gained nothing and lost so much at th esame time.
i was cleaning through some stuff just a few days ago and found a birthday card for my last birthday from a person who means so much to me. she wrote:
thanks for being you, don't ever stop being you every moment with you is cherished. love xxxx
now as my next birthday comes around, that same person is gone... gone as a result of my at actions.
she's still alive living her life, but i'm as good as dead to her.
i would trade in all the birthday wishes and messages in the world just fo rher to talk to me. say yellow. it's th eonly wish i have this birthday is for her to talk to me but i know it wont happen and the thing is i don't blame her.
if anything i hate to celeberate my birthday is because of the disappointment i have within myself. i'm supposed to be happy about another year lived on this planet when really it has been nothing less than the biggest disappointing year of my life.
don't get me wrong, i will be forever greatful for the friends i do have, and the family that has always been there for me, but the fat i managed to destroy the best relationship, the best bond i have ever had, far greater than i ever thought would be possible, is a burden i struggle to deal with every single day.
i am so angry and disappointed, the only faith i can find is artificial. faith that i managed to create within my own head, but deep down in my heart it's shattered, empty, helpless.
the only thing that keeps me going is my head, my natural instrinct to fight another day and continue to fight and try to believe in something great.... but at the times when i become exhasuted from consciously trying to fool myself, i realise that my pursuit for happiness is relentless, especially when i had it with someone and somehow chose to destroy it so goddamn well.